This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Friday, 17 November 2017


Good evening,

Well I am tired. I didn't want my supper much, I just ate the potatos and veg and now I want to sleep.

I didn't work hard today, I was still aching from yesterday.

I had nightmares last night and woke up upset.

I woke up coughing this morning, I have a chest infection.

Just been running idle errands and doing idle tasks today.

I got food from  the welfare, but I let a little schoolboy have the only donuts, I had got them but he looked so sad at no donuts, that I let him have them, he was ever so respectful waiting his turn for food, it makes me sad when the little ones come in on their way from school, to get food for their families, it shouldn't happen in the UK in this day and age, but here there are many poor families and I am lucky not to be a mother, not to have to worry about feeding anyone else. I only take a reasonable share from the food, bread, vegetables and potatos, and sometimes a little pack of donuts. In a few months, when spring comes, I won't need much or any welfare, all depending on Max and if I can replace him before he dies.

Thursday, 16 November 2017


Hey peeps,

My arm is screaming with pain and I am exhausted.

Today I worked on the farm, worked very hard.
The ride on mower is working so I was mowing the orchard. I caught my face on a branch, I have a scratch, and probably a bruise by tomorrow.
Wow I worked hard, I am aching but I have no idea why the good arm is pretending to be the one that was injured when I came off my motorbike, it is hurting in the same place and same way as the other one does in wet weather.

I got home having had no lunch and it was too early for tea, so I did beans on toast, and I baked my vanilla cookies, someone came round just in time to try and appreciate them.

Hollyoaks isn't much good at the moment, and it is raining, so I will go to bed and hopefully be too tired for the distress that has haunted my sleep recently, I just distress though the night about the church, asleep, not consciously, but it affects me in the morning and makes it hard to get up and get going.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017


Good evening peeps,


Hard work.

This morning I did hard work garden clearance.

I was given biscuit dough today, so I have baked chocolate biscuits, they smelled excellent and turned out OK for an amateur, so I will do some vanilla ones tomorrow.
I was also given gourmet teapigs, so I feel like a Queen at the moment with my gourmet tea.

This afternoon I went to work at the community gardens, that is called giving something back, because the welfare feed me at the moment.
I did go shopping at the welfare and got bread and salad.

I am so tired.

I am boiling potatos for the same sort of meal as yesterday.

Hollyoaks is grim.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017


Hey peeps,

High statting from the UK, welcome to new readers.

Well I worked hard today in the cold chill, and did well. And even enjoyed my work.

Got home, and had to wait anxiously for a contract to pay me so that I could pay the rent. Got that done.

Watched Hollyoaks, Street Mate, and put 'Home for Christmas' on.

Did all the housework, bins, laundry, dishwasher, hoovering, mopping, surfaces.

Now I am hot, tired and sweating, I need to jump in the shower and have soap suds.

I did me a good meal again, boiled potatoes with butter, fish cakes and Italian salad, but same as yesterday, I lost my appetite and didn't want to eat, I chomped the potatos and salad, and put the fish cakes in the fridge.

Last night after I ploughed through my supper, I had to get up in the night because I had tummyache when my dinner hadn't bothered to digest. Maybe winter does this to you.

I hear that the Jersey Deanery is masturbating it's ego in public rather a lot, including pretending to be 'Christians' outraged about same sex marriage, don't worry about it, you won't find a Christian among those duplicitous and arrogant people who have suffered nothing in their well-fed lives.
Their destruction of me is the final verdict on the matter. They are in no position to speak, let alone judge others.

Monday, 13 November 2017


Good evening peeps.

It feels good to come home from a hard day's work, muddy hands, aching, knowing you done  honest work.

Despite the ailing car, I got my day's work done.
I came home, eager to see if the snowman in the hall had scared the life out of my mate when he finished nightshift, it had, so that was OK.

The snowman is a massive fibre optic thingy and I love it!
There is that snowman and two other Christmas toys, just because the loft needed sorting out, you remember last year I had no money until the last minute so there was nearly no Christmas, and I love Christmas, this year if I live and the church's police don't attack again, there will be lots of decorations, tons.

And hopefully no murder like last year, that was not funny at all, I should think his family have a life sentence of unhappy Christmases now, and that makes me sad.

It will be my third Christmas with my church, and that makes it two years since Bob collapsed as well. This week, I think.

Anyway, today I got fresh meat and some cheese for the welfare potatos, I can't really afford these things but I really wanted some fresh meat and cheese, and then when it came to eating, I have no appetite.

I am watching Airplane while I wait for Hollyoaks.

Sunday, 12 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well I woke wide awake at 7am, which will never do for a Sunday, so I went in for a double helping of church.
Church was good, we don't do parades or war memorials but we remember respectfully.
And the person leading was very good.

It was nice to see my peeps, and I got an invite to a Christmas meal, and an invite to tea for this week.
I also got reminders of various other events.
And my shoobox has to be in by next week.
Shooboxes are very important, even if you are very poor, you have to do shoobox and toyappeal to make life better for people who are even worse off.
When I was sleeping rough I got given shoobox for me, but someone nicked it from my storehedge, but when the Lions club heard that, they replaced it with much more stuff.

I don't have much money for me, but I will finish my shoobox by hook or by crook.

I came back for lunch, and then went to the welfare, they patted my head and fed me, as they do.

Now I am bored, watching Self/Less and being bored, the evenings drag at the moment.

Saturday, 11 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

I was very lazy this morning, well to be honest I was suffering from doing that hard work yesterday.

At about midday I went down the welfare to get my daily bread, and vegetables and potatoes.

Someone turned up saying 'Does anyone need a computer desk?'

Awesome, they were moving house, they had a computer desk and I needed one, so I had fun wheeling this computer desk back, taking it apart and putting it back together.

It has rained a lot, and I have had a quiet, boring day really. I can't get into another writing project, so anxiety and trauma get too close. That is the problem with weekends and time off. I need rest, but too much time resting and alone raises all the trauma.

Last night and recently I have vivid dreams about the damage done by the church.

I am reading books, and trying to start the new book.

I already did the housework for the weekend.

Tomorrow is remembrance Sunday, another day when the church of england show off and forget the Bible.
I am all for honouring those who died for us, but a yearly show involving graven images and a lot of showing off, is not so good.

Friday, 10 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well, it was a better day in a way, if you ignore the cat poo and thorns.

It was a garden clearance for some people I used to know, they moved house a few years ago, then I have moved a few times, but they emailed me and asked if I could do a garden clearance as they have sold and are moving a very long way away.
It was so nice to see them again, they are such nice people.

The garden was very hard work, and after horrible cigarette bins at work yesterday, today's aroma was cat poo. Have you ever emptied cigarette bins by the way, full and wet, they smell like sewage.

Anyway, I worked hard, and had lots of coffee.

And as they are moving, they gave me their gardening tools and barrow. It all helps me, they also gave me a box of chocolates, which are on the kitchen table if you want them, (not for long!) and they also gave me loads of advice and leads on possible work, and phoned people about things for me.
It was a very helpful and productive time.
But my hands are still full of thorns.

Forgot to say, 'Lala Land' is on Netflix now, and it is still trashy but I watched it anyway. It really would have benefited from the characters having some depth and a bit more happiness. It drudges.

Thursday, 9 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

Not much to say.

I have been doing winter pruning and clearing today.

And all the housework.

I got bread and donuts from the welfare. And crumpets.
Gorst reading my blog as he swans off on holidays paid for by the poor in Jersey, as 'Christian' he should be in Jersey, making sure that those poor, the real Jerseypeople, get a better deal.
Or rather he should be resigning for his destruction of me to cover up for the Jersey Deanery.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

I went to the welfare earlier, they were kind, I had a donut and some tea. No one can mend what the church have inflicted and won't put right, all the welfare can do is pat me on the head and feed me, feeding me is always a good idea, I am good at eating, skilled in fact.

I am really struggling, It has been some time now since the Bishop and Archbishop publicly destroyed me and there has been no justice and the national safeguarding team who set it all up and didn't have any answer as to the differing statements of the duplicitous Bishop and Archbishop, continue to do nothing except destroy me.

Things don't get better as the church continue to deny me, make me out to be nuts, condemn me and try to pray me away, their prayers are contemptible, do they think their God approves of them?
Here's my prayer.
God of the Church of England, cast their prayers back down on them with violence and destroy them for their destruction of me, may their prayers ridicule them. Amen

The Bishop doesn't like me telling people he abused and destroyed me, because he wants to pretend that that isn't reality, Which is another reason that the church of england needs to go, the church isn't about Jesus or Christianity or even integrity, which is a part of Christianity. The Bishop's dishonesty and hiding behind lawyers and PR firms isn't Christianity, or integrity or humanity.
Remember that when the Bishop tries to have me put away to silence me.

yak yak yak.


This afternoon I did some satisfying work, clearing borders for the winter, cutting things back.
It is cold and clear and I wish I could go out, but I can hardly walk or breathe.
I got worn out by walking and working earlier.
I wish life had a point.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

It has been a rainy day, and I have been buried in deep depression.

I did publish some things though.

The more I look at that post on the other blog, the one someone else did, the more I am amazed at how succinct it is.

The Bishop's camp is rumbling, they want me wiped out to silence me.
The Bishop's camp? Yeah, he is actually.
His police are after me, so I am nearly at the end of my life.

I have had tuna and rice.

I feel very low.

Hollyoaks is on.

My dream last night was a wonderfully blended mixture of being bullied by my siblings and being destroyed at Canterbury, so many similarities.

Monday, 6 November 2017

Monday evening

I get so tired, so tired, I have been so tired.

Today was mainly leaf sweeping and cutting spiky things that bit my hands.

Max needs repairs, the bill is the last thing I need.
He will be done on Wednesday but I have no idea how I will pay the rent.

It is winter hours now, and without sub contract or a car fit to earn extra through delivery driving, I don't know how I will get by.

I am so tired all the time, I just want to sleep, and not have to wake up to the horror of everything.

Monday morning

Good morning peeps,

Not too well right now, I could sleep again, the after-effects of the trip to Winchester are worse now because I didn't do proper pain management yesterday.

I have tried with my heavy neck thing, but I just want to go to sleep, my head is bursting and I can feel the strain.

I am updating before I forget my dreams.

I dreamed that I was driving near my old house, and the stupid lady with the blue car was blocking the road and I overtook her and went over the junction but my car turned into a bike and I went into a cemetery that isn't usually there. I thought it was a closed cemetery too, but I found new interrments and graves.
There was one grave that was rainbow colour and it said on it 'The world will have to take me as I am'.
And even in my dream I wondered why such a life statement was on a dead person's grave.

Then I dreamed about beautiful boats.

Then I dreamed that the church were flinging me into court without a voice again and they wanted me to be forced to plead guilty as they had done before.
But I decided that their time for having me forced upon while I had no voice was over, and I was going to tell the judge exactly what was going on.
In reality, the church will get away with what they have done as many times as they like, as all the authorities are on their side and I will never be recorded as me or have a voice.

I feel sick, I really want to go back to bed.

Sunday, 5 November 2017


Hey peeps,

I slept most of the day.
Not in terrible pain but certainly feeling the after effects, and struggling to walk.

This evening I staggered to the welfare, and they patted me on the head, fed me roadkill stew and some sort of hot drink, and sent me on my way with a substantial food parcel, much needed.

The trip to Winchester had been booked in advance, I can't afford trips anywhere except the expenses paid ones that I sometimes make. But I have very little money, it is winter hours at work now and people keep cancelling and it keeps raining.
Not good.
Combined with the bleak situation of recent events, it is hard to cope.

Anyway, so I went to Winchester yesterday, it will always be my home town, even if I am exiled, but my people are gone.
It is funny, I recognize so many people in Winchester, a lot of them I can't remember where from, some are church people, so I cheerfully flip the bird at their departing backs. So many people living the lie of the church of england.

I am watching Goldmember and trying to type out another Circle post on the other blog.
The Bishop is trying to set his police on me.

Norf Wolls

The brands early on, Winchester High Street dow to the Broadway.

I can't get the North Walls Videos to upload and play, sorry.

The brands are on the move. Buttercross. Sorry my cheap smartphone camera isn't the best for this.

From Jewry Street, the brands are still all the way down to the Broadway despite me filming from the Buttercross for some time.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

North Walls 2017 - briefly

I am on my way home, with a bit of assistance from a few kind people.
I couldn't really stand or walk any more, so I am grateful for the help.

Well it started at 4am this morning, so I am tired. I live a long way from Winchester, for my safety, not because I want to be exiled from my home town, although it is a sad and useless home town since the Bishop and his personal pit bull estranged me from my friends, churches and community there.
There isn't any way of ever putting that right, which is why Jane Dodds' stupid comment about making things 'like they were before' made me so angry. She really didn't have a clue about what I had been though.
It always annoyed me that Bob Hill didn't take in or understand any of what had happened, and thought I still lived at Winchester and kept telling people so. I was driven violently from Winchester by Jane Fisher and the Bishop in 2010/11 to protect the Bishop's reputation, and they didn't stop but kept driving me when I fled.

Anyway, it was heavy rain as I set off this morning, and it rained until 10am.
I had a spare jumper and spare socks with me and I was glad I did.

It was nice to see my Southampton again, my special precious Southampton. Southampton is like a hug, a hug with too much walking, but a hug nonetheless.

Then it was on to Winchester.

Winchester was dozing, so I poked it and it woke up, coughed and said 'Oh, JJ is home'.

I had breakfast, as it was now 8am by the time I had kicked Winchester into wakefulness.

The morning went by peacefully, and I enjoyed tea in a favourite cafe at lunchtime.

I enjoyed popping round to St. Peters, who helped Fisher and Scott-Joynt to destroy me, just to scare the hell out of some of their old gossips.

I wrote a nice letter to some of the people who aided Fisher and Scott-Joynt in destroying me, and wished with all my heart that the Winchester of before then could still be my Winchester, my home town, the Winchester of rolling down the Arbour bank with Poppy in the snow, that was my home town. But it remains the stained and shamed and unsafe Winchester of the church destruction of me.

Here is my nice letter

I would not have been a rough sleeper and open to rapes and assaults if those people had not aided the Diocese of Winchester in destroying me.

At some point the police turned up, so I strategized, legged it, and watched with great interest as they didn't find me. They continued to not find me until they were busy with North Walls.

An addict collapsed in the road outside McDonalds and the police were there as well, trying to revive him.

I sat on the wall by the site of the old police station, the police brutalized me and abused me there and behaved appallingly, nothing will ever heal that, but if I sit there and pray, it helps.

I found some really good tea before going to North Walls, I didn't have drinks and snacks with me, and it is my last North Walls, so it is no good saying be better prepared next year.

I walked down, I used to be there for hours, like many people, getting all hyped up and excited. But now I am too tired and can't stand, so by 6.15 I was playing with the light sculpture rather than down at the Broadway. There were a lot less police this year.

I splatted happily at the light sculpture for a while, and cried a bit, the light sculpture, the 'pillar of light' is interactive and if you splat it's middle, the lights dance and play with you and I love it so much, I adore bright LED colour lights.
But some children came along and they wanted the sculpture, so they were using the text service to choose the colours and light patterns. I just watched.

Then I had to go and join North Walls.

But I didn't even try to get to the Broadway, it was packed. I stayed up by the Buttercross.
It felt funny, I was doing North Walls differently.

I stood on a bench and I did photos and videos of the brands. I didn't have a brand this year, to symbolize that the flame has gone out and the light is fading.

The crowds and brands grew and grew.

I couldn't believe it when the blues started to move, they have never in my life started North Walls on time!
But yes, the marshalls were shouting everyone to move, and the fire engine was coming through.
There was little by way of bands and parade following it this year, but never mind.

I stayed where I was for some time, the crowds were so thick and I just didn't feel able to walk, normally I would be at the front, and would look back from Jewry Street at the brands all the way to the Broadway.

I videod from the bench for some time and then joined the brands.
And even when I reached Jewry Street, the brands were thick back to the Broadway, it will never get old, that sight, the pride of Winchester. The sight that a terrified seventeen year old saw for the first time and overcame her fear of fire from an upbringing of petrol bombs and malicious fires.

'Winchester! My heart! My Home! My Heritage! Nothing they do will take you away from me!'

As I did the video from Jewry Street, some lovely people, new in town, asked for directions, I had to tell them with a grin that they would have to walk against the crowds to get to their destination, the crowds remained thick and solid down to the Broadway.

I walked Jewry Street, and stopped at City Road for more video and pictures. The usual trapped traffic on City Road was fuming.

And then it was onto North Walls.

Down to the Fire Engine.

And down past River Park.
Someone fell over, but they were OK.

In the old days you didn't have to hold your wristband up on the bridge, because there weren't wristbands, back when I were a lass.

Oh, the strangest last North Walls for me.

I had made an effort to be later in the parade so that I wouldn't have to stand and walk around on the muddy field, it is such a stress, and now alone, there is no excitement or party atmosphere for me in waiting. No.

There was still some time, as the bonfire was late being lit!
Another bloody tradition.
And then they did this stupid disco stuff, making the fireworks really late.
I was hopping mad because I was sure I would miss the fireworks now, as I had to start heading back.
Eventually the fireworks started.
And they were as good as ever.
I had actually got a seat, on a step, which is a never for North Walls. No seats.
But even so, I had to get walking up the road part way through, and watched as I walked.

I hoped to get a train before they got too crowded, and hurry on home, but no such luck, the points and network failures meant it was chaos, and the crowds poured in from North Walls.

I was panicked. But Passenger assistance flung me into first class on the first train that was running and I had a nice journey thus far.

I am still on my way home, I have maybe 90 minutes or so of travel, and I am utterly exhausted and aching. I am worried about falling asleep before I get home.

Tomorrow I hope to transfer some of the photos and video, maybe, there is always a first time, then you will see what North Walls has been.

And when I am dead, they will still march with their brands, and the pride of my home town will echo, but that seventeen year old who overcame her fear of fire, will no longer be there with them.

Friday, 3 November 2017


Please believe me and don't let me down. The Bishop is using the police to hound me and try to silence me again. He was quite happy to destroy me publicly for three years, but he doesn't like a teeny taste of his own medicine when I have reported him for his remorseless destruction of me.

That last letter contains an incredible bystander's observation, but I can't for the life of me remember who wrote it. I can't for the life of me remember. No, I can't. But it is pretty sharp.


Hey peeps,

The Diocese of Winchester have the police after me, again. I did say last year when the police attacked my home without charges, that now the church-police harassment had restarted, I may as well be dead, as it wouldn't stop. I was correct.

Anyway, it has been another day starting with trauma, and going on to work.
I washed the bed linen as well.

I went to do a garden and they hadn't phoned me to cancel, very annoying, then I was doing the care home, and was extremely surprised when one of the directors, who was visiting, came out and shook hands and said they were delighted with my work on the gardens there.
Sometimes the care home drives me nuts because I have a time budget there and there is so much to do, so it encouraged me a lot.

This evening I have been watching Hollyoaks and films.

Thursday, 2 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well it has been a quiet day, my old lady is away so this morning I didn't work, I was battling depression and trauma anyway.
This afternoon I did the care home. I have had to rethink my winter bedding, the new hanging baskets have small clips so they don't fit, so the winter pansies are all going in planters and tubs.
That made my mate laugh a bit when I grumpily told him.

This evening I have got on with writing the circle blogs on the other blog, yes the full horror of the violence aged 12 is on there now if you are feeling in the mood for horror.

I have watched two films this evening, and Hollyoaks, the first film was a sweet little film about a black couple who adopted a white baby, it's called 'He has your eyes', the second film, just finishing, is Titanic. I recommend the first film, beautiful.

It is cold and foggy, I like fog but it is dangerous.

I dreamed about Jersey last night, and the islands, clear and sharp again, that I was dying and was allowed to come home in peace. I hope I will be allowed.
Do you know something I never mentioned? When it was early days into the massive press stunt that the Bishop and Archbishop launched on me, a number of people offered me a home in Jersey.
You have no idea how much I wanted to accept those offers, but I knew better than anyone how unsafe and untenable it would be.

My letter to the Bishop has statted 1,111 in the past 10 days.

Wednesday, 1 November 2017


Good evening peeps,

Not much to say, I was struggling with heavy mowing today.
Continued to write the circle story on the other blog.

Just watching Airplane! Before Bed.

I still get some Jersey premonitions at the moment.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017


Hey peeps,

It is harder to update these days, life has even less point to it than it did. The trauma has been too much.
The public discrediting of me by the Archbishop and Bishop with the help of their complicit and unquestioning media last year was the last straw, then they had my home attacked and destroyed by the police six months later, and of course it just hasn't stopped.
I cannot imagine the minds of those psychopaths who have inflicted this suffering on me while they continue to officiate and use the name of Jesus all the time, although you may have noticed that the Archbishop avoids Jesus Name and says God instead.

Anyway, I did some work today, but I am having trouble with pain, and nowhere to go for help with that.

I have been watching movies this evening, and Hollyoaks, the drama in Hollyoaks where the school blew up.

And I have been writing, using the other blog to write chapters of a last account of my background that led to the church being able to abuse and destroy me.

Sunday, 29 October 2017


You know what they say about the clocks changing?
You get an extra hour in church.

One of my phones updated, the other didn't, but I got up anyway, it was strange going to the farm in the light rather than the dark.

I finished the farm duties and headed for church. I don't normally go to the earlier service but I did today, they thought they knew what had happened, that I hadn't set the clocks, but no, it was the farm duties, not the clocks that made me early.
So I survived two services and a hell of a lot of talking to people.

I came home and watched 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas', the film is the same as the book.

I did the housework and then went to the welfare.

The welfare cheerfully fed me slop and mash and something resembling tea, and checked that I was being me and possibly alive. They do that, as you know, you will remember I used to go there regularly to be fed, patted on the head and booted out with a food parcel of dubious quality. Bless them.

This evening I have continued housework, had a pain in my side again, and watched 'Here Comes the Boom', but I have been battling trauma, as I do.

Saturday, 28 October 2017


I have enjoyed the early mornings on farm duties, I have had the farm, morning and evening this week, and I have enjoyed it.
I have loved getting up in the pitch dark, 5am, and going down to the farm, waking the sleepy hens in their clouds of fluffed feathers and startled clucks.
The ducks seem to find the torch bewildering, and they do mad dances.

Tomorrow is my last farm duty, and I was too tired today to finish the mowing, so I will have to scandalize the CofE hypocrites who don't know their Bible, and finish the mowing tomorrow, Sunday isn't the Sabbath anyway.


Today I was up at pitch dark o'clock, my mate 'A' was up, drinking tea and worrying about his situation, so we drank tea, it is always good to drink tea and worry with someone else at some unearthly hour.

As I said, I was tired, and had a headache from recent challenges, so I did the farm and came home to bed, Saturday is the only day I get to do such a thing.
I lay down and was asleep, I hate sleeping in the day, but I knew I needed to.

Recently the premonitions from Jersey have been loud and clear, almost screams. Premonition from Jersey indicates trouble, and it usually comes in the strange form of clear pictures of Jersey accompanied by a feeling of deep sorrow that seems to be someone else's sorrow and not mine. Anyway, Jersey premonitions always signify trouble.

But as I slept, I dreamed of the Channel Islands, very clear and sharp dreams that seemed to go on forever, I was there, I was home, and I was happy, home at last. The dreams were comforting, joyful in the midst of my despair, but unfortunately they were, the same as the premonitions, a bad sign, something harmful to me will happen from Jersey again.

When I was battling whooping cough and pneumonia in that cold February of 2013, I lay there as the snow fell, and I dreamed of Jersey, sharp and clear, and then the massive-scale press and media hate attack was launched against me by the Bishop of Winchester and Archbishop of Canterbury, with a bit of help from their friends.

My letter to the Bishop of Winchester has leaped 500 views in the last few days.
Hm, if they can kill me to silence me, they will, they have tried so hard, and yet I am still here, destroyed, but here. I want to see my abusers removed before I die.

Stepping out of the circle was a recent profound experience I had. I hope to write about it somehow, and eventually it may make a good book title. Authors always look for new ways to present work, and actually that was a great way to present my life, and it may work as a book, it will take more thought though.

My friend who emailed earlier, yes I am coping, not great but coping, just get those cups back at  and I will come and have a cuppa. No cups, no me coming round for tea.

It has been one of those weeks, the warm wet weather has led to rapid grass growth, everyone wanted mowing done and the grass being long and wet, with rain still falling, has been a nightmare to mow.

I have been watching Rain Man on repeat this week, great film.  I am now watching Hancock, I like Will Smith, my favourite of his is '7 Pounds', which as well as being very emotional, reminds me of my story and how I went on living after life ended.

I will post on the pages section of the blog at some point, the statements recently about the damage to me by the church and police this month. Yeah, while I am alive, they will go on destroying me.  But I won't shut up, because what they have done is a travesty, Bishop Tim Dakin and Archbishop Justin Welby should not still be in their positions, and using other survivors, Macsas or the police to destroy me and drive me to death won't change that. No amount of church lies flung back at me will change that. Attacking my home with the police and leaving me homeless again didn't change that.  Nothing will.

The attacks on me and discrediting and smears of me have had a profound and lasting effect, I am sure any of you subjected to a complete undermining of your lives, with nowhere to turn for help, would suffer. And if you had a background like mine rather than a solid foundation, you also may not survive. I wouldn't wish what I have suffered on anyone, except Jane Fisher of course.

Another thing as well as the Jersey premonitions has been troubling me and causing flashbacks, the horrific damage to me by Jersey Police in their dishonesty and brutality, nothing has been done about it, and the church and states did that terrible 'serious case review' whitewash of it so that I can be terrorized and never see justice and thus never heal.

Some of the bad memories at the moment are about the illegal actions of Jane Fisher and the Korris report, Fisher and the Diocese had no right to liaise with police and social services to destroy me and create an inaccurate report, they also had no right and were told so expressly, as were autism Jersey, that I didn't consent to interference and liaison.
There was a wonderful lie in the Korris report about the police sending me a nice letter. If they did so, they knowingly sent it to the wrong address, and the church of england had no right to know about such a letter and I certainly didn't tell them, as I never received it.
The Korris report was an attack on me, publicly, and the church spewed it's lies internationally, destroying me, but why? As yet I have no explanation as to why they had me branded and destroyed to the whole world, and proceeded in that vein for three years before culminating their attack in attempted murder, and nothing whatsoever has been done, as no-one holds them to account.

For me, the nightmare will never be over, there is no sign of justice, all there is is suffering.

Friday, 27 October 2017

Friday early

Hey peeps,

I didn't feel loke blogging anymore after the church used the Canterbury protest to catastrophically destroy me, but this blog is my voice and my life while I wait to die, and hopefully after I die it will mean I am heard.
I shouldn't have let the nasty little shills do the damage that they did, but to be honest, I took a leap of faith and I trusted, and that is what happened.

Two of the protesters at canterbury were church employees, acting for the church and harming me, one was a member of Macsas, the organization which helped the church to destroy me, and between them, they rubbished me and my story, left me destroyed, and acted with the church to try to set the police on me.

The police complaint is currently with the IPCC, the protest was a sham, mainly just attended by church of england employees, and they destroyed me, and I managed to preserve my life, shattered and damaged, and go on living and asking for justice, which the church don't like, of course.

I am just waiting to go and do early morning farm duties, hence the early post.

I still don't feel much like blogging, but as you know, the church have tried to silence me before, destroyed me, and eventually I sellotape the gaping wounds and crawl on, each time is harder, but never mind.
The church-police attack last year left me walking in the dark, with nothing left, they took everything, and everything since then has seemed like nothing.
But now I am escalating the matter, each police attack now has to be fully explained, names named properly, and no lies or excuses, and each attack makes a formal complaint.
The church tried another police attack last week, and I immediately told the attacking officer that I would like to make a formal complaint against the church - you couldn't see the police for dust when I said that!
So there is a complaint about that too, and a number of statements have gone to the police and their overseeing bodies.
The church are down to the dregs in attacking me now. They have to record their attacks, and when they lie about them and a complaint is made, it looks bad on them.

None of this brings me any sort of happiness or satisfaction, when the church harm me rather than take responsibility for harm already done, the damage is forever.

I will, before long, post in depth about the Canterbury attack,

Wednesday, 4 October 2017


Good evening peeps,

Still pulling thorns out of my hands from vicious rose bushes.

I was lucky. Two purple polo shirts, £5 each, new, end of season sale at Marks and Spencer.

I got some work done today, and the wind picked up.

I am just sorting stuff out to do with moving house, I am still in this prolonged house move.

It was interesting to see Stats from Canterbury on the blog today.

I have no doubt that whatever the UnGodly have in store, it won't be nice.
Even a pretence of care won't be nice. The UnGodly are scared and too powerful, whatever they do will either be a flop like their attack on the BBC or catastrophic.
But there is no choice any more. And Tilby still has two days, and isn't going to do a thing.

Do you remember in 2013 I did my series Comparing the Church to Efrafa in Watership Down, and the story of Hazel and Woundwort's meeting on Watership Down?
That whole chapter applies.

“At that moment, in the sunset on Watership Down, there was offered to General Woundwort the opportunity to show whether he was really the leader of vision and genius which he believed himself to be, or whether he was no more than a tyrant with the courage and cunning of a pirate. For one beat of his pulse the lame rabbit's idea shone clearly before him. He grasped it and realized what it meant. The next, he had pushed it away from him.” 

― Richard AdamsWatership Down

‘ “Ah ha,” said the fox, “tell my fortune, eh? And what do you see in the water, my friend? Fat rabbits running through the grass, yes, yes?” ’

‘ “No,” replied El-ahrairah, “it is not fat rabbits that I see in the water, but swift hounds on the scent and my enemy flying for his life.” ’

Tuesday, 3 October 2017


Good evening peeps,

High stats, but not a lot to tell you.
Hard work, tired, hens, assessed new work, lots to do there.
scratched to bits from pruning roses and strimming.

Washing powder, laundry.

Oh, I got new pyjama leggings, very nice, and reluctantly threw the holey old ones away.
I got new jeans as well, charity shop, perfectly good.

I am having trouble finding a decent polo shirt, but I will try again tomorrow.

Just watching TinTin before bed time.


Monday, 2 October 2017


Hey peeps,

Briefly, I am very tired.

Hard work, rain, hens, preparation for the pilgrimage, and tired now.

Sunday, 1 October 2017


Hey peeps,

I went to church this morning and was made a fuss of. It was harvest, so there was harvesty thingys.

After church my friends grabbed me and dragged me off to lunch at a  restaurant, which was very nice, so with lack of sleep and a big meal, I was sleepy.

I came home after lunch, and slept until 6.15pm!

I had to hurry to farm duties, the hens were already going to roost, muttering among themselves about lazy farm workers.

The tension mounts with the Canterbury protest, and survivors are learning to be bold and speak to the church as I have for so long. I am impressed.

This evening, to my surprise, some work that I bid for but didn't get, became mine, because the people have been so let down. Two gardens. Funny isn't it?

I watched some of crocodile dundee, my fave bit is that ending at the subway.

It has been a very rainy day again, so my work at the farm is falling behind a bit, I will see if I can catch up tomorrow.

Early Sunday

Good morning peeps,

I woke too early at about 2.30 this morning, I was having a bad dream, there was a girl having hysterics in the dream, about abuse, something to do with her brother, and I was trying to reason with her, I was saying to her about a visiting order when I woke up, so I then went into flashbacks about Ian LeMarquand and his abuse of power in my case. Which the church failed to respond to.
I couldn't sleep so I have been doing housework and marching possessions around.

As some of you know, I was in a temporary rental, and it came to an end, so I am here for now, and moving to my new place after the Canterbury Protest.

I have had my shower and breakfast, and am just waiting for it to get light so I can do farm duties, you can't let poultry out in the dark due to foxes still being active. Plus the rats like a share of the food when it's dark.

Justin Welby got a good reply to his double standards statement yesterday, victims answered him and were heard, and I am happy with that. I liked Holly Greig Justice's Headline, simply 'Pot, Kettle, Tw*t'.
Well said.

I got Max's interior cleaned yesterday, it has been left for a while and got messy.

The weather is rainy so trying to get any work done is hard.

The new Canterbury clothes all fit alright. I just need a new bra and pyjama leggings now. I threw my pyjama top in the bin this morning, it was a nice heavy cotton, £1 from the charity shop, now full of holes, the new one is very similar but not from the charity shop.

Saturday, 30 September 2017


Good evening peeps,

It has been a rainy day.

I slept for 9.5 hours without dreams, waking or distress.

I woke achy because deep sleep kicks off neck ache.

I have had a quiet day, answering back to Welby's crap in the news. And moving possessions, and I went for my canterbury haircut. They set the trainee on me, she was slow, it looks OK I guess.

I went to get clothes as well as mine have been going to rags.

I am watching a film, getting sleepy, had sandwiches, don't feel like a full supper.

The rain is set to continue, and I will go to church in the morning.

Friday, 29 September 2017


Good morning peeps,

I had to be up at the crack of dawn to do do farm duties before I went to my early physiotherapy appointment.

The physio laughed about my hen chasing, and said that when an injury occurs and recurs in the back, the core muscles weaken. So he gave me core muscle exercises and says that with my work it is important.
He did ultrasound on the injury, as before, and as before it has helped already.

My hip had been hurting and I mentioned it, he examined, and it is bursitis, again. Of course, it makes perfect sense, didn't even think of it, but I am prone to it, presumably because of the connective tissue disorder.

I have my exercises and am all set.

I had opticians next, I chose a pair of glasses, and she said they were 'modern', maybe cos I didn't choose a monacle or eyeglasses this time.

Then, I finally went to breakfast!

1 sea view with brekky later, I was off to work!

I was working for the property managers, clearing the flats yards, I hate it but it is money.

Then I had my old lady, I cut shrubs down and raked leaves.

Then it was time to come home.

Forgot lunch today, had a chippie tea, and watched Hollyoaks and now have a movie on.

Oh I got a hairdresser appointment tomorrow, doing all these appointments!

I am so tired, early night and fairly quiet weekend I think.

Trying to use almond milk again some of the time, not easy.

Thursday, 28 September 2017


Hey peeps,

I am back. Please excuse the lack of blog, I have been distracted and everything stacked up.
I am clearing the backlog.
I managed to do the washing, wash the car, get the housework done, do some banking and bills and shopping, and get work done today.
My back is a bit better and I have physiotherapy first thing tomorrow, annoying as I have to get through the school traffic.

A lot of people are viewing my blogs to see my reaction to Ashenden or to see what is written about him.


Well. He has been made a Bishop!...In a sect with 300 members.

err, yeass, well.

Anyone silly enough to think I don't like the idea, I find it hilarious. He is a bishop in a 300 person sect. He is lower than a curate in the church of england. Fitting and deserved.

Yesterday I had an optician appointment, I was working near there, so I changed my shirt, took a jacket potato break and wandered in for my appointment, my boots smelled a bit sweaty and I had no shoes with me so I felt a bit self-conscious. But there were funny magazines to read, so I didn't mind.

The eye doctor said my prescription wasn't too much changed, slightly stronger, and I finally had the confidence to ask him about my eye infections.
He told me it is called blepheritis or something, and you won't believe the first stage of trying to cure it!
I have to use baby shampoo, and wash my eye-lids with that every day!

As for other infections, still an issue, still on hydrogen peroxide.

I have physio tomorrow, the opticians again, to choose my glasses, and next week I have dentist. I was due to see the psychologist for the first time this week but due to circumstances, I have postponed that. Lots of appointments. Haha.

Life is like that sometimes, you are plodding along smoothly and it plays roller coaster.

My back is improved and I have been on farm duties as well as work, the rebel hens are still playing.

I go and scoop them up when it gets dark, a hen under each arm, to the barn.

There they sit going
'Cluck! what happened?!'

'The clucking human got us!'

'Cluck that!'

Hens are rude. They are also awkward to carry.

Tomorrow I have two jobs if the weather allows, the property managers want me to do  the flats, and I have the old lady, if that isn't cancelled.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017


Good evening peeps.

Bad news, as if my world wasn't gloomy enough.
This morning I went for farm duties and did my back in.

Yes. It just went. It is obviously a chronic weakness now as that is the fourth time, same place and symptoms. Not good news.

I am walking but it hurts, and when I sit, it seizes so I am bending when I stand and walk.

I did the farm though, and went to work.

I had two gardens booked, the mansion and one of my old ladies, but I was struggling with the mansion, and the old lady said her lawns were too wet anyway, so I crawled home, watched Hollyoaks and things, did supper, did the farm, rebel hens has to be carried to the barn, haha.
You would have laughed to see me chasing them round the car.

Now I am watching a film before bed.

Monday, 25 September 2017

JJNortyperson's Postcard to Graham Tilby


Good evening peeps,

Thankfully I am so tired I may sleep.

Today didn't turn out at all as expected.

I thought I would be rained off in the morning and work in the afternoon, but paperwork and other issues were still affecting me when the afternoon came, so I didn't get to work today at all, it remained damp pretty much all day anway.

Yesterday a survivor contacted me, and I meant to comment on the blog that I was and am surprised about survivors who pop up, who haven't been connected with other survivors. But I forgot.

Anyway, the survivor, a male victim of Peter Ball, was new to twitter and didn't know the other survivors, so I did my best to put him in touch with them, and enjoyed talking to him at length.

But today the real surprises hit.

The Church recently responded, at last, to the Smyth survivors, after more than 200 days of ignoring them, and they responded because of the publicity that the postcards are generating, and also the 5 live interview. But the church aren't responding because they care, they are responding because they are being put under pressure.

Anyway, the church today started phoning round survivors, apparently they are panicking over the negative publicity that the Canterbury protest may give them. Honestly, they are idiots.

Now as the day went on, the survivor who has been in contact with me, messaged, telling me that he had been contacted, about me, by Lambeth palace, and he had been 'advised' that his interaction with other survivors ' might not be helpful'. Now as you know, the church achieved slandering me round my friends and, support and community in this same way in the past, and were successful in lawlessly harming me very severely to protect themselves,  and are yet to be brought to justice for it, although the damage can never be put right.

But anyway, I responded with another letter to Lambeth Palace, which is on the other blog, but I will just show you this:

Incredible isn't it? They have got away with this behaviour so much in so many circles for so long, to protect themselves, but things have to change now.

Anyway, this evening I have been able to get on with housework chores, and got a wash on, but it is on the wrong wash so it is taking ages.

I did farm duties today, the ducks have got very pushy now they are grown up, the attack my legs, I remember them being nervous ducklings.

Sunday, 24 September 2017


Hey peeps,

Funny how the stats go up and down on the blogs.

It has been a funny old day, a bit rainy.

Church was a bit emotional, with someone admitting to not being very well, and people praying for me and making a fuss.

I still have infection problems.

I am watching Goldmember, I must be bored. I watched Titanic and various odds and ends earlier.

I must try to pull myself together and get some university work done, and again, I must speak to the doctor and get antibiotics, I still haven't.

Tomorrow morning is due rain, but I will  work in the afternoon, and I have farm duties at the moment.

Saturday, 23 September 2017


Hey peeps,

I slept through the night, felt better, and then felt really ill for a while.

It has been sunny today, and I have had a quiet day, watching films.

I went to the shop this evening and have been watching Airplane 2, which while it isn't like the original - different producers, it is amusing enough.

Thursday, 21 September 2017


Hey peeps,

My old lady on the cliff top is away today so I am not yet at work. I will go and do the care home if the weather allows.

Not much happening, yesterday I worked while the rain threatened but came to nothing.

Still having infection problems despite the hydrogen peroxide.
Funny, I could be a mad scientist, I know about Hydrogen Peroxide and Potassium Permangatate or however you spell that.
It is useful stuff potassium permagutate, I used to use that when I was homeless, it turns your skin brown, or purple.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Tuesday Evening

Good evening peeps,

It is dark, probably night time then.

I was working earlier but it felt like I was getting a migraine. It hasn't got too bad, but I think it is because I wasn't sleeping well last night, night terrors about Welby and his church, difficulty getting comfortable or sleeping, and a sad dream that I was in hospital and my dad was there, I always know in dreams that he is dead, however comforting his presence is, and I always want to hang on to the dreams.

I need my massage machine. That will help with the tension, and hopefully I will be tired enough to sleep tonight.

I said yesterday that there were internet issues, but those seem resolved for now.

I have been in a clumsy mood today, which again, would indicate migraine, but hopefully the migraine is coming to nothing, earlier it looked really looming, but then it faded again. I have dropped a few things today, thankfully nothing serious.

Not much else to say, can't concentrate on university prep today so I am leaving it and just watching films, Hollyoaks is a bit crappy at the moment.

I was working for my old lady earlier and I asked her not to give me shortcake as I am trying to watch my weight. She replied that I look like I am losing weight already as I have lost my bum.

I got worried, I have no idea where I left my bum and I need it for sitting on.

My old lady says funny things.

A video postcard from Smyth abuse victim 021 to Ailsa Anderson, Archbish...

A video postcard from Smyth abuse victim 021 to Ailsa Anderson, Archbish...

Monday, 18 September 2017


Hey peeps,

Brief update to say I will be offline most of this week, nice of me to warn you for once isn't it? Usually I just snicker and vanish. Which is really unfair.

Hydrogen peroxide helps but hasn't made the problem go away.

Today is nothing special, more laundry, some housework, some work, a trip to the bank. Paying in, paying bills.

The stats on the blog shot up from Jersey and when I asked why, I was told, Ashenden is picking fights, the new Dean is being a new Dean to himself, and Bailhache had a fart attack.

Well, maybe I will be able to come home sooner if Bailhache is on his way out. I can imagine all the nonsense and froth that will be written when he does die, but none of it will change Jesus' mind about sending him to hell. None of it will change what Bailhache really is, no matter how thick they lay it on. Good riddance.

Here's to Jersey:

See you all soon peeps, I will blog when I can.

Sunday, 17 September 2017


Hey peeps,

Yeah, not liking the high stats from Jersey, always indicative of an attack.

Yesterday my friend insisted on meeting for coffee. Which was good, it helped me to feel a bit better.
It was good to talk, and we did some window shopping as well.
Her husband came to meet us and he was telling me about a book, the book he described sounded so interesting that I looked it up and I will get a copy eventually.


Feeling a bit better today, not awesome but a but better. Using Hydrogen Peroxide solution to help with infection. Allowed to, of course.
Still haven't skyped the doctor again yet.

Today I wasn't going to church because I don't like the visiting preacher's preaching, but I decided to drop in on another church that our church had links with.
It was a novel experience, my first visit to another church since things changed, but they treated me well and I was perfectly happy with the service.

Then I came home and did a roast dinner, turkey, roast potatoes, and broccoli.

Then I have been cleaning and things. And I nipped to the farm, the hens followed me interestedly as I went in the barn. The hens think I exist to feed them. I was telling my friend yesterday about how I thought the geese and ducks would be scared of the strimmer but instead they followed me round the paddock, commenting interestedly. The geese put themselves to bed several times too, because when they see me, even in the middle of the day, they think it is bed time. They insist too.
Pied Piper of Poultry.

I am just watching self/less on DVD again.

Friday, 15 September 2017


Hey peeps,

I am still not well, I have continued to drag myself to work though.

Yesterday was a rotten day, because after enduring the cliff top, which is not my favourite, I went back to strimming the farm, and the strimmer got so bad that I made myself more ill trying to force it to start, in the end I gave up and the man said he had had trouble starting it too, which wasn't good as it was only serviced a month ago (when it was playing up before).

So I had to quit the strimming and try and  mow some of the paddocks on a high cut, and then I mowed the lawns and orchards, but I was knackered and in pain from the effort, it's tough cheese when you have heavy work and a bad strimmer when you are ill and have no choice but to work.

Today the sun was shining again and I was in pain so I didn't want it to, I went and worked at the care home, and then for the old lady.

Then I came home and sat in bed and watched Self/less, and then Hollyoaks, and didn't do much.

My friend wants to go for coffee tomorrow but I feel so ill.

I went to the shop and sat and looked at the sea for a while.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Wednesday evening

Good evening peeps,

As my twitterpeeps and some others will know, I haven't been well. I am still not well.

It's funny, I was just thinking about my friend, two years ago she came round to see me, and she was not feeling great, she was coughing, she said she had a chest infection, she said she would go to the doctor, and when she did, she was sent straight to hospital, she died four months later.

I am not dying, I just feel as if I am. The infection and fever were bad enough, but then the reaction to the tetanus jab, and a lot of other stresses all at once. 
And I have to try to keep working and  the weather is making that difficult.

Today I had the farm and another job, but the other job cancelled due to the weather and so I was strimming at the farm.
That was a bit of a disaster too.
I managed to do what all gardeners eventually do, but I had thus far avoided, despite both my workmates doing it recently.
I broke a window, and not one, but two! 

The strimmer threw up some stones and broke two greenhouse windows, ask any gardener, we have all done this at one point, and some do it quite a lot, both my workmates have recently, but my smug clean record was broken today.

When the lady got back, I went and said 'You won't be very pleased with me today!' 
but she took it in her stride and said the last gardener had done the same.

The strimmer was being an utter devil, it was hard to start, lost it's wire, and replacement was hard to find, I swear I spent more time trying to get the strimmer running than I did strimming.

But I got some time with the livestock too. When I arrived, the duck house roof had wandered off in the gale and the ducks had followed suit, the geese were yelling as they were still in, and one embarassed hen was out because it had forgotten to go in the barn the previous night while the other hens were still in. 
So I sorted them all out.

By the time I called it a day, I was so ill and tired, I wanted to go and do another job but when I got there I realised I was not in a fit state to be out, so I came home and have been in bed.

It is a difficult time, peeps, I have to work, I have to support myself, but it isn't easy in the bad weather and with illness.

Oh, university prep has started, and if I wasn't so ill I would be enjoying it. The ladies were giggling because my materials parcel was small for this term and I said I usually got a big box of things, and they said 'Well it is all hard work condensed into one book this time!' They liked my back to school comments I think. 

My postcard to Graham Tilby

I will update the daily blog when I can. Still fighting health problems here.

Monday, 11 September 2017

Smyth victims postcard to Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury


Hey peeps,

Nearly a week since I blogged, on the anniversary of the police destroying my life again.

I have been battling another infection.

I am not willing to go into the local hospital for any surgery, the local hospital is under special measures and is a death trap basically. My friend was left with fluid draining from her lung onto the floor there when she was dying, and I know of other horror stories. And anyway, because of the NHS treating me terribly courtesy of the church and police, I am non-NHS but the operation I need would cost £2,500 private. A head scan will be cheaper and I need that first.

I tried to skype the doctor on Saturday but the signal is bad here in bad weather so I couldn't, anyway, all they would say is antibiotics, incision and operation, and they would try to persuade me to go NHS and get it done, but I won't.

Anyway, never mind that, it is not life-threatening, just disrupting.

The weather has been wind and rain, as it has for most people, and so I have been rained off a lot, which is not good.
It has been an unremarkable time, just struggling to live because of the unresolved church injustice and the impact on me.

Yesterday I finally had the time and energy to attend my church, it was quiet there, a few people still away, the people who I sit with were away and had suffered a bereavement as well.

It was funny though, because the old ladies who sit back right came out with one of their er, bloopers.
They said to me 'Oh, it's nice that you are here when your friends are away!'

You see, I don't attend church to see my friends, although that is a nice side effect of church. But the oldies at the back think that I don't know about God or Christianity and that I come for the social side. I think back right provide comedy for the whole church sometimes.
But anyway, my friend was on door duties and I told him what they had said and we laughed.

I guess I should have said to the old ladies, who are very old really, that everyone at the church is my friend, but I said 'I come for the worship, not because my friends are here'.

Anyway, so I was chatting with my friend on the door and when he was asked to help with prayers, I went on the door and did bright smiles and handshakes, and charged the customers a shilling for the books, no I didn't charge a shilling really.

I normally sit front right with the peeps, but as they were away, I was going to sit on my own, but my friends in centre right decided I was too norty to be alone in case I danced in some aisles or was wandering around under the seats looking for gum, so they squashed me in the middle of them in centre. :( notypeople are free range, not too keen on the squashness, but liking being included.

The service was OK, it will be a long time before I can completely stop the flashbacks, but it was informative, good bread and butter, as they tend to be at that church, and afterwards people made a fuss of me :( but my friend asked if I would meet her for coffee this week, we haven't been for coffee for ages, as you may have noticed, I like coffee with her because she is similar to my adoptive mum, coffee means a long chat and then a tour of town and window shopping as well, which is fun.

Oh I forgot to say earlier, after the service another old lady came hurrying after me, not one of the back right, she is quite nice, she brings her blind friend every week, but anyway, she said to me 'I always think your hair is so beautiful!'
That was so nice of her to come and say that. As some of you know, my hair has always been difficult for me, but in the past year, with it thinned and cropped to shoulder length and bleached beautiful honey blonde by the sun, my hair is actually not bad, I have made peace with my hair at last, as long as I can keep it at shoulder length and thinned.
So it is nice to know that someone else likes my hair. I don't know many people with natural hair who are my age, my hair parts in the middle and normally has no styling and of course no chemical dye, the sun bleaching is lovely, in the past I sometimes tied my hair back, but I am not keen on that, it stops the wind from blowing it so much at work though.

Today is a slow start, with the weather and the lingering infection. At least the flat is clean and there will be food.
Tomorrow, and I am sure I will be OK for it, I am having vaccinations.
The NHS messed up, as they did with everything so I am not vaccinated like most people, but the one that I need, which they have let me down on is the tetanus, polio and diptheria, or however you spell it.
They did a tetanus when I was late teens, early 20s, as I was working on the land, they never did a booster, too busy failing me in other areas, and they only did part of my polio, and as for the other thing, the never vaccinated that. So I have tetanus jab in full tomorrow, with polio and the other stuff.
And yes, the NHS were reminded repeatedly, didn't give a damn, so yes, it is a private vaccination. I am a gardener, sick and destroyed as I am, and I have to look after myself.

University prep starts in two days. And what am I doing? Well as you know I deferred a module, and I can't retake yet, so I am taking another module in it's stead, just one module this year, to get me to 240. Which, as you know, will only be 60 away from a degree, or 120 from an honours, and I am going for honours, so I will hopefully end up with a BA Honours. I will die from the church, police and NHS first, but at least I tried. And I am not taking any music exams this year.

And regarding the psychologist, the referral was fine, I will be seeing her when she gets back from holiday.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well I am trying to use the newer orthapedic pillow with the head support, but it is only partially successful. It is a bit too firm.
I didn't have such bad terrors in the night, although it is never good to be terrorized, I woke in fright from a bad dream and mainly I just re-lived the police seige of my home a year ago today, another mischief by the unregulated and dangerous church of england.

I will tell you about it, I guess, because I never did.

But first I will catch you up on yesterday. Yesterday I didn't work on the estate with the boys, I worked down at the marina with the peace and quiet and the fishes and boats.

I was mainly doing heavy work, using the heavy hedgecuter to cut hedges. It was a damp and muggy day, not nice to work in, but for the occasional breeze blowing the rain and sweat and cooling me down.

It was peaceful, and I had coffee and lunch when I needed.

I did ache though, but because of this machine I have, I can work hard and ache without getting sick.
Although my shoulder did ache in the night.

I was so tired last night, I watched Hollyoaks and had an early night.

Am tired now, and the weather is dodgy, I have the care home and one of my old ladies if the weather allows.


It was the day after the horticultural show, I had stewarded, I had shadowed the judge, and I had been told to start growing and competing again for next year, but I saw little point in any of it after what the church had done to me.
It was an ordinary day. Or so I thought. Monday September 5th 2016, 6 months after the Church of England had me publicly and finally destroyed and presumably hoped that I would suicide.

A year ago today it was raining in the morning, not heavy rain, but the weather had been wet enough to leave the ground too wet to work, so I delayed work.
Incredibly the rain a year ago today is exactly the same as today.

I had Max, the car, parked outside the front, and I was running errands, doing laundry and loading junk into Max to take to my store.

My landlord was getting two unemployed tenants, a couple who lived in the flat opposite me, to clean the house, this happened sometimes and I think he paid them.
I was dodging round them to load my car, and we laughed and joked.
I was hoping to go to work in the afternoon as the weather was due to clear. I had no idea what was about to happen.

I went to the laundry and the store, and I came home to get lunch and work things.

The world ended.

My landlord was working on the old shop that he was converting to a laundry room. He would always stop and talk but I didn't expect what he said.

He told me that the silver car outside the house was a police car and that a male and a female officer had come to see me, and he told them I was probably at work now, and they had said they would go away and come back in an hour. I will always wonder where they actually went, presumably to rally the troops to beat me up.

He said they had walked into the flats and he had found them there,  but they had no warrant. He said they were claiming to be 'concerned' about me. Well why did the police allow the church to destroy me despite my claims for help if they were 'concerned' about me?!

I told the landlord that when the police came back then I had said that they were to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

As he had said they would be back in an hour, I thought I had time to get a backpack and flee the property. But he must have called them as they came back as soon as I went into the flat.

I was trapped in my flat with the police, landlord and the various nosey neighbours and drunkards outside the pub outside, and the police had no respect for my privacy and welfare as they tried to force my old name and identity back upon me and on my community and landlord. The police have always treated me with contempt and behaved badly to me, and this was no exception.

My landlord stupidly gave the police my private number - he later said it was to get rid of them as they refused to leave.
The policewoman tried to phone me and I told her to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

She then tried to text me, wittering about not wanting to cause me distress and alarm - don't be stupid, the police have not only aided the church in destroying me, but have refused to stop serious, evidenced, and criminal harm to me by the church and have even tried to tell me that the church aren't doing anything illegal when they have been doing. The police are outright liars and will lie to get what they want, they are callous dishonest brutes, and telling me they didn't want to cause me distress and alarm was a repeat of ever police lie I have heard, and I have heard many.

I texted back that she was to leave or I would make a harassment complaint. I was shocked and broken, destroyed and in collapse, as these police remained outside, having destroyed my new identity and life and left me knowing I would have to leave my home and community.

I feared for my life as the police refused to leave, and I got my backpack, the police were downstairs outside the flats with my landlord and the nosey neighbours, one of the police was sitting in the car, drawing big lines through a paper document.
 I went upstairs in the flats and climbed out on the roof. I am scared of heights and it was a long way and I was terrified.

I didn't know what was going on down there, I heard people mowing about, the female police officer was wearing stilettos, would you believe it? They were plain clothes, but why was that even allowed? I heard her stilettos clopping up to the door of the flats, and clopping back again, presumably the landlord closed the door so they couldn't just walk in.

I didn't know what was going on as you can't see much from the roof without tumbling over and I get vertigo and am scared of heights. But I knew the car was still there.

After a while I heard a car, didn't know if it was theirs, I texted the officer and asked if they had gone as I needed to pack a  bag and flee my home. She replied that they had, and I said don't come back, I will be making a harassment complaint.

I was so humiliated that I never wanted to see my landlord again, but he seemed unruffled, but because I didn't know what the bastards had said to him, I couldn't trust him. He told me that the police car had broken down and the clueless lady in stillettos hadn't been able to understand a bump start so he and the male officer had to do the bump start.

I told the landlord that the police had worked with my abusers to hound and destroy me, and I was a fugitive and I was going to have to move.
The landlord asked if freemasonry was involved and I said yes, to a certain extent at least. He said it all made sense and the local masons got away with murder, he had plenty of time to tell me all about it but I felt in immediate danger. He told me it was a 'Masonic Warning' and I told him I wished the Masons would get on with it as my life is worthless.

The landlord asked if I was just going on the run? I told him I didn't know. I had my backpack of clothes, food and medicine, and I was going somewhere, but I didn't know where. He wasn't the type to worry, or even care, as long as the rent was paid or I gave notice.

I went, I took Max, but I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know if I could safely cross any borders, I didn't know if the police were on the lookout for me, I was afraid and started to get confused, every flashback to police injustice and violence and lies and jeers overwhelmed me.

I texted my adoptive mum, and she asked where I was, but I didn't know. I didn't know what to do or if I had eaten or anything, those who read my blog know that I get like this when the church harm me and cause me shock with their vile lying press and media releases about my case.

I wasn't sure I should be driving. I took my things to the store. I don't know what I did. I went home late that evening, expecting trouble, but it was all quiet, and I tried to sleep. I didn't know how I was going to live and work any more, I was shattered. I didn't put any lights on in the flat and I went to the window every time a car went past.

For a few weeks it was like that, I pretended not to be there, I told the people I worked for that I had a virus. And I worked when I could. But my world, my life, the safe new identity life, was over, and seemingly for no reason.

There had been no warning to the police attack, and there was seemingly no reason to it either.
The people I told about the police behaviour said it was utterly wrong and inexcusable.

The police then tried to send me a letter in my old name, thankfully I was in charge of the post box and the post for the flats, and found the non-delivery slip for recorded delivery. I could not believe the police's cruelty or criminal harm, they knew both that my name had changed -they had used my legal name when they seiged the property, and they knew that anyone at the house could see the letter in my damned, condemned old name, the name of the person they and the church had destroyed.

I had made a complaint on September 5th 2016, when the police attacked the flat, and professional standards had tried to rubbish me but I had sent the complaint to the IPCC so professional standards had stopped trying to rubbish me, but now the matter was getting more serious, and the police then tried to force this wrongly addressed letter on me by email, coldly as well.
I escalated the complaint.

Professional standards, the police and the IPCC amused themselves by sending letters to my flat addressed to anyone but me, and I kept escalating the complaint.

A year later I have continued to endure harm and denial from the police, there has been no credible excuse for their harassment of me, presumably they can't say outright 'The church told us to harass you but they daren't bring charges because of the evidence against THEM!'

The formal complaint is not settled and I endure regular bullshitting from professional standards and the IPCC, but the police have broken the law and left me broken too, and I won't stop fighting them for justice not just for the attack a year ago, but for the decade of police brutality and jeers and imprisonments while they refused to stop the church's open and evidenced criminal harm to me. It is lifelong damage that can never be healed though.

I did leave the flats where the police had me shamed and destroyed, I was afraid 24 hours a day and never re-settled, and I live still in terror, because if they can do that once, they can do it again, and as they hate and brand me and aid my abusers, they will. I was safer on the streets and I slept better on the streets. I am trapped in trauma and fear now, a real fugitive, waiting for them to find me again and wondering just what damage they did in illegally and violatingly tracing me before.

Sunday, 3 September 2017


Good evening peeps,

I have been battling depression so thick and dark that I can hardly do anything.

It has rained all day.

I got the farm done.

I spoke to the doctor via skype this morning, I am please that my earphones helped me to hear the doctor better. It was a different doctor this time.

She was very helpful even though there isn't much that can be done.
I am non-NHS because of their atrocious treatment of me, and the local NHS are in serious difficulties and can't even help people in more serious trouble than me.

So the doctor listened, and she said she could understand, that it is important to stop the rebuild of my life collapsing altogether because of how I am struggling with trauma and depression, and because of my serious reaction to all anti depressants, I can't be allowed those even though it has got to a point where I want those, because usually she would prescribe those.

She said that all she could think of to do was write a general referral letter for a psychiatrist and include the fact that I can't have medication, and I should arrange to see a consultant psychiatrist and get a therapy action plan in place.

We only have about 2 or 3 private psychiatrists within 30 miles, so I emailed the most likely one.

He emailed back within a few hours, very polite and helpful, and told me what I know, I need a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I knew that, but I went with what the doctor said.

It's funny, it reminded me of Jersey and the lies of the Korris report.

The Korris lies still injure me, and nothing has been done about them or Korris.

In the end of my time in Jersey, I was in a collapsed state from the Jersey Deanery and Fisher and the Scott-Joynts harm to me, which is not recorded anywhere of course, and so I was paying to see my doctor every week, twice a week I think, and I was on the waiting list to see the specialist psychologist who had finally been brought to Jersey, and had been brought partly because of autism Jersey and my press and media release on their behalf when I and other autistic people were refused mainstream psychology treatment, discriminated against basically. Do any Jersey readers remember my broadcast and article?

Anyway, so in the end times in Jersey, I was seeing my doctor and waiting to see this new psychologist.
Do you remember what the Korris rubbish said? That I was refusing treatment and denying my condition? Jane Fisher's lies will affect me for life. Lies printed as fact, broadcast over the world and sent to the police as fact. Horrific.
But, the belated point of this is, there in Jersey, August 2010,  in my distressed state, I phoned my doctor and asked if I should actually be getting psychiatric treatment, and he said no, wait for the psychological treatment, he said he saw no sign that he needed to change me from psychological to psychiatric despite my state.

Consider now the depth of damage by the church of england and police in trying repeatedly to force my distress to be madness and for me to need to be put away!

Today the psychiatrist read my referral and said I need a psychologist not a psychiatrist.
To be honest, the damage to me by the church and police is such that I don't believe that anything can help me, and I am still not safe from harm, but I can't let things get worse, because I have had a number of near misses at work, my job needs full concentration, and the disturbed sleep and tiredness, flashbacks and lapses of concentration, are not safe in my work. And so many times I nearly go off sick just because of depression and despair.

The psychiatrist recommended two of his colleagues, one I knew wasn't the right person, the other I don't know, so he gave me her contact details and I have emailed her.

This feels like the end times in Jersey again, I am in that destroyed state, a year after the police yet again seiged my home for the church, I am depressed, distressed, destroyed, and yet I keep trying to pull back from the darkness, with ever decreasing hope.
I don't know how I will fund treatment, especially as winter is coming. All I can do is go on making the same steps in the hope of finding a way through.

But if the police, who aren't liking my formal complaint, attack my home again, I am finished. And living in fear is part of why I am deteriorating. They had no warrant, no charges, no reason to seige my home, release my old identity and smear me to my landlord and neighbours, and it was six months after the Archbishop and Bishops had me utterly and publicly destroyed to culminate their three year public destruction of me.
The police who seiged my home, and professional standards, refuse to do anything about the church's harm to me, as they have from start to now.

That sounds like a lot of rant. But it is all real and all horrifying. No human being can survive all this, and therapy is basically just a comforter while I wait.

Saturday, 2 September 2017


Good evening peeps,

The stats went up on the blog, especially from the channel islands, which is never a good sign.

I have been tired with bad nights so I haven't updated. I am off to bed now but will update briefly.

Yesterday I did the marina in the morning, nice and peaceful, and then the old lady in the afternoon, I was a bit worried that she is usually there to greet me and wasn't, but she had fallen asleep. Well she is in her 90s, she has earned her daytime naps. She woke up when the dustmen came round and made me tea.

I got home early and put the bed linen in the wash, and that was dry by bed time so I put the clothes wash on and hung that out overnight.

I had patches of severe distress in the night so it was hard to get up this morning and I had a lie in for once, as I didn't have the farm until this evening.

There were various events on today but I didn't go out, I just went to the shop and stayed home, lazily did a few tasks, not much, until I went to do the farm, I got some of the mowing done at the farm and did the animals. Then I went to the supermarket on the way home and did a big shop, so the fridge is full and there is fruit and snacks.

I watched Mrs Doubtfire this evening, and haven't done much else, lazy weekend, nearly bed time.

Thursday, 31 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well, I slept reasonably well. I actually woke at 5.30, which in the old days used to be a good thing, I used to love early mornings, but now they extend the misery of being awake and alive.

I didn't do much with the extra time, just a few chores before work.

I went to work, first the cliff top and then the mansion, peaceful and steady work.
Then I came home late lunchtime for a cuppa, and then I went and did the care home.

When I got home I watched 'The Cuckoo' again and then Hollyoaks and then 'Airplane!' was on tv.
I still watch it even though I have the DVD, and I still cry. Because it is my channel islands story.
Someone said this evening that they would pray that I could go back.
And until I can and do, safely go home to the channel islands, I will be waiting rather than living.
The Bailhache Brothers will make their way to deserved rotting in hell within the next 10 years or so, but Gorst will continue to gorge himself on power and wealth  and corruption for as long as he can. And he has done me as much damage as the Bailhache Brothers.
There needs to be justice and resolution for me, otherwise I am just waiting.

Anyway, life goes on.
I have the marina in the morning and then probably an hour for my old lady, an easy enough Friday.
But I have the farm to look after from Saturday evening to Sunday evening, all the animal duties and all the mowing. Darn. Although the money helps.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Last night was the same, slightly more sleep, but waking tired and late in the morning.
The fact that I had planned for a rained off day meant that didn't matter.

I didn't do much today, collected my new DVD - 'The Cuckoo' the Russian film that saved my life in 2012, it was what decided me to go on living. So I watched that.

Everything feels strange, sad, drifting, the bank holiday always disrupts my autistic world, and yesterday working alone instead of with my mate, and then today, rained off.

I haven't done much, when I went out earlier I got stuck in traffic and was forced to stop and have a McDonalds lunch and get some essential groceries before turning round and coming home a different way.

I watched Hollyoaks, dealt with a lot of twitter activity, which generally made me feel worse, and went down to the sea in the dark, briefly. I haven't done that in a while but I can't feel what I used to feel, it all seems useless and pointless to me, the things I used to love or want to do are of no worth, my life is a wait for the church and police to finish killing me,

Tuesday, 29 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Tired and aching and nearly ready for bed. Here's something that is making me smile to hear it again, I was looking for a good version and this will do:
If you want to think about  antecedent and consequent this is a good piece for that.

Well last night I had a bad night. Upsets over Welby and his rubbish. It was a bad night to have a bad night, with Monday's work always being the heaviest, and bank holiday making monday's work today's work.
And worse, with the forecast today in the high 20s, I wanted to start and finish early.
No chance of that after the bad night. I couldn't wake up to the early alarms because I had finally got into a deeper sleep.
So as it was, I woke at 7.50, and work normally starts at 8.30!

At least everything was ready for work, apart from the mower. So off I shot, and because I was working alone today, it didn't matter what time I arrived as long as I remained within our sub-contract framework of times and hours and work, which of course I did. 8.30 is a guideline that comes from the estate work.

It was strange to do a monday without my mate, but I worked steadily despite the heat, the fact that there was cloud some of the time helped me.
I didn't slack, I mowed, weeded, trimmed, and most of all I used the heavy hedgecutters to do the long hedges. Usually my mate's job, but there I was, showing the miracle of full recovery of my career and strength and I swung that hedgecutter above my head and ached but never faltered as sweat soaked my light cotton work clothes.

It was a good day's work despite the bad night, and I had plenty to eat and drink. The sea was flat calm and many craft were out, and people on the front watched in amazement as I did my workmates job of the long hedges.

I was glad to get home to supper, shower, Hollyoaks, and my massage machines, which are proving miraculous, I feel liberated because I can work to full strength again now as long as I put the massage machine on my shoulders and neck when I get home. It doesn't take away the normal ache and tiredness of hard physical work, but it means I won't be in agony any more, well, hopefully.

Over the weekend I read 'Altar Boy', a very insightful book about how abuse by a Catholic clergyman affected a young man's life and relationships. It made so much sense to me, as his sexuality and relationships seemed affected in a similar way to mine, and his insights into what went wrong and how the Catholic church failed to safeguard, made so much sense. When I finished that book I started the one I am on, which is called 'Mother's Ruin' about a girl who grew up with an alcoholic mother.

Tomorrow is due heavy rain so I may be rained off, rats! Oh well, hopefully my DVD of 'The Cuckoo' will arrive, the Russian Film that saved me and turned me from suicide and back towards life in 2012. I will recount all that to you again one day. I am looking forward to watching the DVD again.

Monday, 28 August 2017

Monday Bank Holiday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Well, yesterday was a bit of a non-day, I didn't do much, very little.
I meant to go to church but someone emailed me and by the time I had answered it was too late.

I did some shopping and had a drive but I didn't feel like doing that or anything else.
I had a ghastly excuse for a roast chicken dinner at the supermarket cafe, well what do you expect from a supermarket cafe.

Today I am still slow but I am getting some housework done, the fridge was bad so I have cleaned it.

I am moving some furniture around, hope to help my sleep if I move the bed, and hope to make the flat easier to navigate and use.

I wish there was a way out of this hell.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

I have had a difficult day at work, I didn't want to work today anyway but it all went wrong anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, I finished the garden clearance in the morning, then worked down the marina a while, then did my old lady's garden in the afternoon.

I got my new massage machine for my neck and shoulders, and it is very efficient without making things worse like some massage machines have done in the past. It is like having physio, that can make the pain worse.
I am glad the new machine means I can come home in pain but not end up ill and can relieve the pain, it is a step forward while the rest of my life collapses.

I went to the samaritans this evening and maybe it helped a little, even the samaritans can't do much for me any more, it has been really difficult to live since the police came to my home a year ago.