This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 21 September 2017


Hey peeps,

My old lady on the cliff top is away today so I am not yet at work. I will go and do the care home if the weather allows.

Not much happening, yesterday I worked while the rain threatened but came to nothing.

Still having infection problems despite the hydrogen peroxide.
Funny, I could be a mad scientist, I know about Hydrogen Peroxide and Potassium Permangatate or however you spell that.
It is useful stuff potassium permagutate, I used to use that when I was homeless, it turns your skin brown, or purple.

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

I have the police trawling the blog again like they did last year before they attacked my home.

Police, either get it over with or go away, your harm to me is unhealable and lifelong, I am sick of you whining about budget cuts while you continue to harm me and other vulnerable people.

You don't have a credible charge to bring, you openly allowed harm to me, again, and again, while you did nothing about my abusers.

You are b*stards.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Tuesday Evening

Good evening peeps,

It is dark, probably night time then.

I was working earlier but it felt like I was getting a migraine. It hasn't got too bad, but I think it is because I wasn't sleeping well last night, night terrors about Welby and his church, difficulty getting comfortable or sleeping, and a sad dream that I was in hospital and my dad was there, I always know in dreams that he is dead, however comforting his presence is, and I always want to hang on to the dreams.

I need my massage machine. That will help with the tension, and hopefully I will be tired enough to sleep tonight.

I said yesterday that there were internet issues, but those seem resolved for now.

I have been in a clumsy mood today, which again, would indicate migraine, but hopefully the migraine is coming to nothing, earlier it looked really looming, but then it faded again. I have dropped a few things today, thankfully nothing serious.

Not much else to say, can't concentrate on university prep today so I am leaving it and just watching films, Hollyoaks is a bit crappy at the moment.

I was working for my old lady earlier and I asked her not to give me shortcake as I am trying to watch my weight. She replied that I look like I am losing weight already as I have lost my bum.

I got worried, I have no idea where I left my bum and I need it for sitting on.

My old lady says funny things.

A video postcard from Smyth abuse victim 021 to Ailsa Anderson, Archbish...

A video postcard from Smyth abuse victim 021 to Ailsa Anderson, Archbish...

Monday, 18 September 2017


Hey peeps,

Brief update to say I will be offline most of this week, nice of me to warn you for once isn't it? Usually I just snicker and vanish. Which is really unfair.

Hydrogen peroxide helps but hasn't made the problem go away.

Today is nothing special, more laundry, some housework, some work, a trip to the bank. Paying in, paying bills.

The stats on the blog shot up from Jersey and when I asked why, I was told, Ashenden is picking fights, the new Dean is being a new Dean to himself, and Bailhache had a fart attack.

Well, maybe I will be able to come home sooner if Bailhache is on his way out. I can imagine all the nonsense and froth that will be written when he does die, but none of it will change Jesus' mind about sending him to hell. None of it will change what Bailhache really is, no matter how thick they lay it on. Good riddance.

Here's to Jersey:

See you all soon peeps, I will blog when I can.

Sunday, 17 September 2017


Hey peeps,

Yeah, not liking the high stats from Jersey, always indicative of an attack.

Yesterday my friend insisted on meeting for coffee. Which was good, it helped me to feel a bit better.
It was good to talk, and we did some window shopping as well.
Her husband came to meet us and he was telling me about a book, the book he described sounded so interesting that I looked it up and I will get a copy eventually.


Feeling a bit better today, not awesome but a but better. Using Hydrogen Peroxide solution to help with infection. Allowed to, of course.
Still haven't skyped the doctor again yet.

Today I wasn't going to church because I don't like the visiting preacher's preaching, but I decided to drop in on another church that our church had links with.
It was a novel experience, my first visit to another church since things changed, but they treated me well and I was perfectly happy with the service.

Then I came home and did a roast dinner, turkey, roast potatoes, and broccoli.

Then I have been cleaning and things. And I nipped to the farm, the hens followed me interestedly as I went in the barn. The hens think I exist to feed them. I was telling my friend yesterday about how I thought the geese and ducks would be scared of the strimmer but instead they followed me round the paddock, commenting interestedly. The geese put themselves to bed several times too, because when they see me, even in the middle of the day, they think it is bed time. They insist too.
Pied Piper of Poultry.

I am just watching self/less on DVD again.

Friday, 15 September 2017


Hey peeps,

I am still not well, I have continued to drag myself to work though.

Yesterday was a rotten day, because after enduring the cliff top, which is not my favourite, I went back to strimming the farm, and the strimmer got so bad that I made myself more ill trying to force it to start, in the end I gave up and the man said he had had trouble starting it too, which wasn't good as it was only serviced a month ago (when it was playing up before).

So I had to quit the strimming and try and  mow some of the paddocks on a high cut, and then I mowed the lawns and orchards, but I was knackered and in pain from the effort, it's tough cheese when you have heavy work and a bad strimmer when you are ill and have no choice but to work.

Today the sun was shining again and I was in pain so I didn't want it to, I went and worked at the care home, and then for the old lady.

Then I came home and sat in bed and watched Self/less, and then Hollyoaks, and didn't do much.

My friend wants to go for coffee tomorrow but I feel so ill.

I went to the shop and sat and looked at the sea for a while.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Wednesday evening

Good evening peeps,

As my twitterpeeps and some others will know, I haven't been well. I am still not well.

It's funny, I was just thinking about my friend, two years ago she came round to see me, and she was not feeling great, she was coughing, she said she had a chest infection, she said she would go to the doctor, and when she did, she was sent straight to hospital, she died four months later.

I am not dying, I just feel as if I am. The infection and fever were bad enough, but then the reaction to the tetanus jab, and a lot of other stresses all at once. 
And I have to try to keep working and  the weather is making that difficult.

Today I had the farm and another job, but the other job cancelled due to the weather and so I was strimming at the farm.
That was a bit of a disaster too.
I managed to do what all gardeners eventually do, but I had thus far avoided, despite both my workmates doing it recently.
I broke a window, and not one, but two! 

The strimmer threw up some stones and broke two greenhouse windows, ask any gardener, we have all done this at one point, and some do it quite a lot, both my workmates have recently, but my smug clean record was broken today.

When the lady got back, I went and said 'You won't be very pleased with me today!' 
but she took it in her stride and said the last gardener had done the same.

The strimmer was being an utter devil, it was hard to start, lost it's wire, and replacement was hard to find, I swear I spent more time trying to get the strimmer running than I did strimming.

But I got some time with the livestock too. When I arrived, the duck house roof had wandered off in the gale and the ducks had followed suit, the geese were yelling as they were still in, and one embarassed hen was out because it had forgotten to go in the barn the previous night while the other hens were still in. 
So I sorted them all out.

By the time I called it a day, I was so ill and tired, I wanted to go and do another job but when I got there I realised I was not in a fit state to be out, so I came home and have been in bed.

It is a difficult time, peeps, I have to work, I have to support myself, but it isn't easy in the bad weather and with illness.

Oh, university prep has started, and if I wasn't so ill I would be enjoying it. The ladies were giggling because my materials parcel was small for this term and I said I usually got a big box of things, and they said 'Well it is all hard work condensed into one book this time!' They liked my back to school comments I think. 

My postcard to Graham Tilby

I will update the daily blog when I can. Still fighting health problems here.

Monday, 11 September 2017

Smyth victims postcard to Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury


Hey peeps,

Nearly a week since I blogged, on the anniversary of the police destroying my life again.

I have been battling another infection.

I am not willing to go into the local hospital for any surgery, the local hospital is under special measures and is a death trap basically. My friend was left with fluid draining from her lung onto the floor there when she was dying, and I know of other horror stories. And anyway, because of the NHS treating me terribly courtesy of the church and police, I am non-NHS but the operation I need would cost £2,500 private. A head scan will be cheaper and I need that first.

I tried to skype the doctor on Saturday but the signal is bad here in bad weather so I couldn't, anyway, all they would say is antibiotics, incision and operation, and they would try to persuade me to go NHS and get it done, but I won't.

Anyway, never mind that, it is not life-threatening, just disrupting.

The weather has been wind and rain, as it has for most people, and so I have been rained off a lot, which is not good.
It has been an unremarkable time, just struggling to live because of the unresolved church injustice and the impact on me.

Yesterday I finally had the time and energy to attend my church, it was quiet there, a few people still away, the people who I sit with were away and had suffered a bereavement as well.

It was funny though, because the old ladies who sit back right came out with one of their er, bloopers.
They said to me 'Oh, it's nice that you are here when your friends are away!'

You see, I don't attend church to see my friends, although that is a nice side effect of church. But the oldies at the back think that I don't know about God or Christianity and that I come for the social side. I think back right provide comedy for the whole church sometimes.
But anyway, my friend was on door duties and I told him what they had said and we laughed.

I guess I should have said to the old ladies, who are very old really, that everyone at the church is my friend, but I said 'I come for the worship, not because my friends are here'.

Anyway, so I was chatting with my friend on the door and when he was asked to help with prayers, I went on the door and did bright smiles and handshakes, and charged the customers a shilling for the books, no I didn't charge a shilling really.

I normally sit front right with the peeps, but as they were away, I was going to sit on my own, but my friends in centre right decided I was too norty to be alone in case I danced in some aisles or was wandering around under the seats looking for gum, so they squashed me in the middle of them in centre. :( notypeople are free range, not too keen on the squashness, but liking being included.

The service was OK, it will be a long time before I can completely stop the flashbacks, but it was informative, good bread and butter, as they tend to be at that church, and afterwards people made a fuss of me :( but my friend asked if I would meet her for coffee this week, we haven't been for coffee for ages, as you may have noticed, I like coffee with her because she is similar to my adoptive mum, coffee means a long chat and then a tour of town and window shopping as well, which is fun.

Oh I forgot to say earlier, after the service another old lady came hurrying after me, not one of the back right, she is quite nice, she brings her blind friend every week, but anyway, she said to me 'I always think your hair is so beautiful!'
That was so nice of her to come and say that. As some of you know, my hair has always been difficult for me, but in the past year, with it thinned and cropped to shoulder length and bleached beautiful honey blonde by the sun, my hair is actually not bad, I have made peace with my hair at last, as long as I can keep it at shoulder length and thinned.
So it is nice to know that someone else likes my hair. I don't know many people with natural hair who are my age, my hair parts in the middle and normally has no styling and of course no chemical dye, the sun bleaching is lovely, in the past I sometimes tied my hair back, but I am not keen on that, it stops the wind from blowing it so much at work though.

Today is a slow start, with the weather and the lingering infection. At least the flat is clean and there will be food.
Tomorrow, and I am sure I will be OK for it, I am having vaccinations.
The NHS messed up, as they did with everything so I am not vaccinated like most people, but the one that I need, which they have let me down on is the tetanus, polio and diptheria, or however you spell it.
They did a tetanus when I was late teens, early 20s, as I was working on the land, they never did a booster, too busy failing me in other areas, and they only did part of my polio, and as for the other thing, the never vaccinated that. So I have tetanus jab in full tomorrow, with polio and the other stuff.
And yes, the NHS were reminded repeatedly, didn't give a damn, so yes, it is a private vaccination. I am a gardener, sick and destroyed as I am, and I have to look after myself.

University prep starts in two days. And what am I doing? Well as you know I deferred a module, and I can't retake yet, so I am taking another module in it's stead, just one module this year, to get me to 240. Which, as you know, will only be 60 away from a degree, or 120 from an honours, and I am going for honours, so I will hopefully end up with a BA Honours. I will die from the church, police and NHS first, but at least I tried. And I am not taking any music exams this year.

And regarding the psychologist, the referral was fine, I will be seeing her when she gets back from holiday.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well I am trying to use the newer orthapedic pillow with the head support, but it is only partially successful. It is a bit too firm.
I didn't have such bad terrors in the night, although it is never good to be terrorized, I woke in fright from a bad dream and mainly I just re-lived the police seige of my home a year ago today, another mischief by the unregulated and dangerous church of england.

I will tell you about it, I guess, because I never did.

But first I will catch you up on yesterday. Yesterday I didn't work on the estate with the boys, I worked down at the marina with the peace and quiet and the fishes and boats.

I was mainly doing heavy work, using the heavy hedgecuter to cut hedges. It was a damp and muggy day, not nice to work in, but for the occasional breeze blowing the rain and sweat and cooling me down.

It was peaceful, and I had coffee and lunch when I needed.

I did ache though, but because of this machine I have, I can work hard and ache without getting sick.
Although my shoulder did ache in the night.

I was so tired last night, I watched Hollyoaks and had an early night.

Am tired now, and the weather is dodgy, I have the care home and one of my old ladies if the weather allows.


It was the day after the horticultural show, I had stewarded, I had shadowed the judge, and I had been told to start growing and competing again for next year, but I saw little point in any of it after what the church had done to me.
It was an ordinary day. Or so I thought. Monday September 5th 2016, 6 months after the Church of England had me publicly and finally destroyed and presumably hoped that I would suicide.

A year ago today it was raining in the morning, not heavy rain, but the weather had been wet enough to leave the ground too wet to work, so I delayed work.
Incredibly the rain a year ago today is exactly the same as today.

I had Max, the car, parked outside the front, and I was running errands, doing laundry and loading junk into Max to take to my store.

My landlord was getting two unemployed tenants, a couple who lived in the flat opposite me, to clean the house, this happened sometimes and I think he paid them.
I was dodging round them to load my car, and we laughed and joked.
I was hoping to go to work in the afternoon as the weather was due to clear. I had no idea what was about to happen.

I went to the laundry and the store, and I came home to get lunch and work things.

The world ended.

My landlord was working on the old shop that he was converting to a laundry room. He would always stop and talk but I didn't expect what he said.

He told me that the silver car outside the house was a police car and that a male and a female officer had come to see me, and he told them I was probably at work now, and they had said they would go away and come back in an hour. I will always wonder where they actually went, presumably to rally the troops to beat me up.

He said they had walked into the flats and he had found them there,  but they had no warrant. He said they were claiming to be 'concerned' about me. Well why did the police allow the church to destroy me despite my claims for help if they were 'concerned' about me?!

I told the landlord that when the police came back then I had said that they were to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

As he had said they would be back in an hour, I thought I had time to get a backpack and flee the property. But he must have called them as they came back as soon as I went into the flat.

I was trapped in my flat with the police, landlord and the various nosey neighbours and drunkards outside the pub outside, and the police had no respect for my privacy and welfare as they tried to force my old name and identity back upon me and on my community and landlord. The police have always treated me with contempt and behaved badly to me, and this was no exception.

My landlord stupidly gave the police my private number - he later said it was to get rid of them as they refused to leave.
The policewoman tried to phone me and I told her to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

She then tried to text me, wittering about not wanting to cause me distress and alarm - don't be stupid, the police have not only aided the church in destroying me, but have refused to stop serious, evidenced, and criminal harm to me by the church and have even tried to tell me that the church aren't doing anything illegal when they have been doing. The police are outright liars and will lie to get what they want, they are callous dishonest brutes, and telling me they didn't want to cause me distress and alarm was a repeat of ever police lie I have heard, and I have heard many.

I texted back that she was to leave or I would make a harassment complaint. I was shocked and broken, destroyed and in collapse, as these police remained outside, having destroyed my new identity and life and left me knowing I would have to leave my home and community.

I feared for my life as the police refused to leave, and I got my backpack, the police were downstairs outside the flats with my landlord and the nosey neighbours, one of the police was sitting in the car, drawing big lines through a paper document.
 I went upstairs in the flats and climbed out on the roof. I am scared of heights and it was a long way and I was terrified.

I didn't know what was going on down there, I heard people mowing about, the female police officer was wearing stilettos, would you believe it? They were plain clothes, but why was that even allowed? I heard her stilettos clopping up to the door of the flats, and clopping back again, presumably the landlord closed the door so they couldn't just walk in.

I didn't know what was going on as you can't see much from the roof without tumbling over and I get vertigo and am scared of heights. But I knew the car was still there.

After a while I heard a car, didn't know if it was theirs, I texted the officer and asked if they had gone as I needed to pack a  bag and flee my home. She replied that they had, and I said don't come back, I will be making a harassment complaint.

I was so humiliated that I never wanted to see my landlord again, but he seemed unruffled, but because I didn't know what the bastards had said to him, I couldn't trust him. He told me that the police car had broken down and the clueless lady in stillettos hadn't been able to understand a bump start so he and the male officer had to do the bump start.

I told the landlord that the police had worked with my abusers to hound and destroy me, and I was a fugitive and I was going to have to move.
The landlord asked if freemasonry was involved and I said yes, to a certain extent at least. He said it all made sense and the local masons got away with murder, he had plenty of time to tell me all about it but I felt in immediate danger. He told me it was a 'Masonic Warning' and I told him I wished the Masons would get on with it as my life is worthless.

The landlord asked if I was just going on the run? I told him I didn't know. I had my backpack of clothes, food and medicine, and I was going somewhere, but I didn't know where. He wasn't the type to worry, or even care, as long as the rent was paid or I gave notice.

I went, I took Max, but I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know if I could safely cross any borders, I didn't know if the police were on the lookout for me, I was afraid and started to get confused, every flashback to police injustice and violence and lies and jeers overwhelmed me.

I texted my adoptive mum, and she asked where I was, but I didn't know. I didn't know what to do or if I had eaten or anything, those who read my blog know that I get like this when the church harm me and cause me shock with their vile lying press and media releases about my case.

I wasn't sure I should be driving. I took my things to the store. I don't know what I did. I went home late that evening, expecting trouble, but it was all quiet, and I tried to sleep. I didn't know how I was going to live and work any more, I was shattered. I didn't put any lights on in the flat and I went to the window every time a car went past.

For a few weeks it was like that, I pretended not to be there, I told the people I worked for that I had a virus. And I worked when I could. But my world, my life, the safe new identity life, was over, and seemingly for no reason.

There had been no warning to the police attack, and there was seemingly no reason to it either.
The people I told about the police behaviour said it was utterly wrong and inexcusable.

The police then tried to send me a letter in my old name, thankfully I was in charge of the post box and the post for the flats, and found the non-delivery slip for recorded delivery. I could not believe the police's cruelty or criminal harm, they knew both that my name had changed -they had used my legal name when they seiged the property, and they knew that anyone at the house could see the letter in my damned, condemned old name, the name of the person they and the church had destroyed.

I had made a complaint on September 5th 2016, when the police attacked the flat, and professional standards had tried to rubbish me but I had sent the complaint to the IPCC so professional standards had stopped trying to rubbish me, but now the matter was getting more serious, and the police then tried to force this wrongly addressed letter on me by email, coldly as well.
I escalated the complaint.

Professional standards, the police and the IPCC amused themselves by sending letters to my flat addressed to anyone but me, and I kept escalating the complaint.

A year later I have continued to endure harm and denial from the police, there has been no credible excuse for their harassment of me, presumably they can't say outright 'The church told us to harass you but they daren't bring charges because of the evidence against THEM!'

The formal complaint is not settled and I endure regular bullshitting from professional standards and the IPCC, but the police have broken the law and left me broken too, and I won't stop fighting them for justice not just for the attack a year ago, but for the decade of police brutality and jeers and imprisonments while they refused to stop the church's open and evidenced criminal harm to me. It is lifelong damage that can never be healed though.

I did leave the flats where the police had me shamed and destroyed, I was afraid 24 hours a day and never re-settled, and I live still in terror, because if they can do that once, they can do it again, and as they hate and brand me and aid my abusers, they will. I was safer on the streets and I slept better on the streets. I am trapped in trauma and fear now, a real fugitive, waiting for them to find me again and wondering just what damage they did in illegally and violatingly tracing me before.

Sunday, 3 September 2017


Good evening peeps,

I have been battling depression so thick and dark that I can hardly do anything.

It has rained all day.

I got the farm done.

I spoke to the doctor via skype this morning, I am please that my earphones helped me to hear the doctor better. It was a different doctor this time.

She was very helpful even though there isn't much that can be done.
I am non-NHS because of their atrocious treatment of me, and the local NHS are in serious difficulties and can't even help people in more serious trouble than me.

So the doctor listened, and she said she could understand, that it is important to stop the rebuild of my life collapsing altogether because of how I am struggling with trauma and depression, and because of my serious reaction to all anti depressants, I can't be allowed those even though it has got to a point where I want those, because usually she would prescribe those.

She said that all she could think of to do was write a general referral letter for a psychiatrist and include the fact that I can't have medication, and I should arrange to see a consultant psychiatrist and get a therapy action plan in place.

We only have about 2 or 3 private psychiatrists within 30 miles, so I emailed the most likely one.

He emailed back within a few hours, very polite and helpful, and told me what I know, I need a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I knew that, but I went with what the doctor said.

It's funny, it reminded me of Jersey and the lies of the Korris report.

The Korris lies still injure me, and nothing has been done about them or Korris.

In the end of my time in Jersey, I was in a collapsed state from the Jersey Deanery and Fisher and the Scott-Joynts harm to me, which is not recorded anywhere of course, and so I was paying to see my doctor every week, twice a week I think, and I was on the waiting list to see the specialist psychologist who had finally been brought to Jersey, and had been brought partly because of autism Jersey and my press and media release on their behalf when I and other autistic people were refused mainstream psychology treatment, discriminated against basically. Do any Jersey readers remember my broadcast and article?

Anyway, so in the end times in Jersey, I was seeing my doctor and waiting to see this new psychologist.
Do you remember what the Korris rubbish said? That I was refusing treatment and denying my condition? Jane Fisher's lies will affect me for life. Lies printed as fact, broadcast over the world and sent to the police as fact. Horrific.
But, the belated point of this is, there in Jersey, August 2010,  in my distressed state, I phoned my doctor and asked if I should actually be getting psychiatric treatment, and he said no, wait for the psychological treatment, he said he saw no sign that he needed to change me from psychological to psychiatric despite my state.

Consider now the depth of damage by the church of england and police in trying repeatedly to force my distress to be madness and for me to need to be put away!

Today the psychiatrist read my referral and said I need a psychologist not a psychiatrist.
To be honest, the damage to me by the church and police is such that I don't believe that anything can help me, and I am still not safe from harm, but I can't let things get worse, because I have had a number of near misses at work, my job needs full concentration, and the disturbed sleep and tiredness, flashbacks and lapses of concentration, are not safe in my work. And so many times I nearly go off sick just because of depression and despair.

The psychiatrist recommended two of his colleagues, one I knew wasn't the right person, the other I don't know, so he gave me her contact details and I have emailed her.

This feels like the end times in Jersey again, I am in that destroyed state, a year after the police yet again seiged my home for the church, I am depressed, distressed, destroyed, and yet I keep trying to pull back from the darkness, with ever decreasing hope.
I don't know how I will fund treatment, especially as winter is coming. All I can do is go on making the same steps in the hope of finding a way through.

But if the police, who aren't liking my formal complaint, attack my home again, I am finished. And living in fear is part of why I am deteriorating. They had no warrant, no charges, no reason to seige my home, release my old identity and smear me to my landlord and neighbours, and it was six months after the Archbishop and Bishops had me utterly and publicly destroyed to culminate their three year public destruction of me.
The police who seiged my home, and professional standards, refuse to do anything about the church's harm to me, as they have from start to now.

That sounds like a lot of rant. But it is all real and all horrifying. No human being can survive all this, and therapy is basically just a comforter while I wait.

Saturday, 2 September 2017


Good evening peeps,

The stats went up on the blog, especially from the channel islands, which is never a good sign.

I have been tired with bad nights so I haven't updated. I am off to bed now but will update briefly.

Yesterday I did the marina in the morning, nice and peaceful, and then the old lady in the afternoon, I was a bit worried that she is usually there to greet me and wasn't, but she had fallen asleep. Well she is in her 90s, she has earned her daytime naps. She woke up when the dustmen came round and made me tea.

I got home early and put the bed linen in the wash, and that was dry by bed time so I put the clothes wash on and hung that out overnight.

I had patches of severe distress in the night so it was hard to get up this morning and I had a lie in for once, as I didn't have the farm until this evening.

There were various events on today but I didn't go out, I just went to the shop and stayed home, lazily did a few tasks, not much, until I went to do the farm, I got some of the mowing done at the farm and did the animals. Then I went to the supermarket on the way home and did a big shop, so the fridge is full and there is fruit and snacks.

I watched Mrs Doubtfire this evening, and haven't done much else, lazy weekend, nearly bed time.

Thursday, 31 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well, I slept reasonably well. I actually woke at 5.30, which in the old days used to be a good thing, I used to love early mornings, but now they extend the misery of being awake and alive.

I didn't do much with the extra time, just a few chores before work.

I went to work, first the cliff top and then the mansion, peaceful and steady work.
Then I came home late lunchtime for a cuppa, and then I went and did the care home.

When I got home I watched 'The Cuckoo' again and then Hollyoaks and then 'Airplane!' was on tv.
I still watch it even though I have the DVD, and I still cry. Because it is my channel islands story.
Someone said this evening that they would pray that I could go back.
And until I can and do, safely go home to the channel islands, I will be waiting rather than living.
The Bailhache Brothers will make their way to deserved rotting in hell within the next 10 years or so, but Gorst will continue to gorge himself on power and wealth  and corruption for as long as he can. And he has done me as much damage as the Bailhache Brothers.
There needs to be justice and resolution for me, otherwise I am just waiting.

Anyway, life goes on.
I have the marina in the morning and then probably an hour for my old lady, an easy enough Friday.
But I have the farm to look after from Saturday evening to Sunday evening, all the animal duties and all the mowing. Darn. Although the money helps.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Last night was the same, slightly more sleep, but waking tired and late in the morning.
The fact that I had planned for a rained off day meant that didn't matter.

I didn't do much today, collected my new DVD - 'The Cuckoo' the Russian film that saved my life in 2012, it was what decided me to go on living. So I watched that.

Everything feels strange, sad, drifting, the bank holiday always disrupts my autistic world, and yesterday working alone instead of with my mate, and then today, rained off.

I haven't done much, when I went out earlier I got stuck in traffic and was forced to stop and have a McDonalds lunch and get some essential groceries before turning round and coming home a different way.

I watched Hollyoaks, dealt with a lot of twitter activity, which generally made me feel worse, and went down to the sea in the dark, briefly. I haven't done that in a while but I can't feel what I used to feel, it all seems useless and pointless to me, the things I used to love or want to do are of no worth, my life is a wait for the church and police to finish killing me,

Tuesday, 29 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Tired and aching and nearly ready for bed. Here's something that is making me smile to hear it again, I was looking for a good version and this will do:
If you want to think about  antecedent and consequent this is a good piece for that.

Well last night I had a bad night. Upsets over Welby and his rubbish. It was a bad night to have a bad night, with Monday's work always being the heaviest, and bank holiday making monday's work today's work.
And worse, with the forecast today in the high 20s, I wanted to start and finish early.
No chance of that after the bad night. I couldn't wake up to the early alarms because I had finally got into a deeper sleep.
So as it was, I woke at 7.50, and work normally starts at 8.30!

At least everything was ready for work, apart from the mower. So off I shot, and because I was working alone today, it didn't matter what time I arrived as long as I remained within our sub-contract framework of times and hours and work, which of course I did. 8.30 is a guideline that comes from the estate work.

It was strange to do a monday without my mate, but I worked steadily despite the heat, the fact that there was cloud some of the time helped me.
I didn't slack, I mowed, weeded, trimmed, and most of all I used the heavy hedgecutters to do the long hedges. Usually my mate's job, but there I was, showing the miracle of full recovery of my career and strength and I swung that hedgecutter above my head and ached but never faltered as sweat soaked my light cotton work clothes.

It was a good day's work despite the bad night, and I had plenty to eat and drink. The sea was flat calm and many craft were out, and people on the front watched in amazement as I did my workmates job of the long hedges.

I was glad to get home to supper, shower, Hollyoaks, and my massage machines, which are proving miraculous, I feel liberated because I can work to full strength again now as long as I put the massage machine on my shoulders and neck when I get home. It doesn't take away the normal ache and tiredness of hard physical work, but it means I won't be in agony any more, well, hopefully.

Over the weekend I read 'Altar Boy', a very insightful book about how abuse by a Catholic clergyman affected a young man's life and relationships. It made so much sense to me, as his sexuality and relationships seemed affected in a similar way to mine, and his insights into what went wrong and how the Catholic church failed to safeguard, made so much sense. When I finished that book I started the one I am on, which is called 'Mother's Ruin' about a girl who grew up with an alcoholic mother.

Tomorrow is due heavy rain so I may be rained off, rats! Oh well, hopefully my DVD of 'The Cuckoo' will arrive, the Russian Film that saved me and turned me from suicide and back towards life in 2012. I will recount all that to you again one day. I am looking forward to watching the DVD again.

Monday, 28 August 2017

Monday Bank Holiday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Well, yesterday was a bit of a non-day, I didn't do much, very little.
I meant to go to church but someone emailed me and by the time I had answered it was too late.

I did some shopping and had a drive but I didn't feel like doing that or anything else.
I had a ghastly excuse for a roast chicken dinner at the supermarket cafe, well what do you expect from a supermarket cafe.

Today I am still slow but I am getting some housework done, the fridge was bad so I have cleaned it.

I am moving some furniture around, hope to help my sleep if I move the bed, and hope to make the flat easier to navigate and use.

I wish there was a way out of this hell.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

I have had a difficult day at work, I didn't want to work today anyway but it all went wrong anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, I finished the garden clearance in the morning, then worked down the marina a while, then did my old lady's garden in the afternoon.

I got my new massage machine for my neck and shoulders, and it is very efficient without making things worse like some massage machines have done in the past. It is like having physio, that can make the pain worse.
I am glad the new machine means I can come home in pain but not end up ill and can relieve the pain, it is a step forward while the rest of my life collapses.

I went to the samaritans this evening and maybe it helped a little, even the samaritans can't do much for me any more, it has been really difficult to live since the police came to my home a year ago.

Thursday, 24 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Getting tired now. I hope I will sleep.

Yesterday I worked with the boys at the marina, did a good day's work after a very bad night, it was a bad night with pain and discomfort rather than trauma.

Last night was a bit better, although I woke at 3am, whimpering and lying on my left side, neither of which are normal, I didn't feel well, so I got up and sorted myself out and went back to bed and slept.

My dreams are very sad at the moment, mainly about my family, and although I would never want them back, the mind doesn't forget 17 years in a family.

Today I did a good day's work, one garden after another.
The phone never stopped ringing and beeping, it is all go. I now have an extra emergency job for the property managers, to prepare a garden for an inspection, and because of the bank holiday and how it pushes the sub-contract and thus all my work up, I will have to work saturday.

My work went well today despite flashbacks.

I feel tired and defeated at the moment, but I will go to bed and sleep.

Tomorrow I have sub-contract and my old lady, and Saturday I have this emergency job and the care home. I may well get Sunday and Monday off though.

Tuesday, 22 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Just trying to wind down.

It has been a bit of a soddy day.

It started as normal, I was up in time to procrastinate before work, don't worry peeps, that does not mean anything norty, anyway, I headed for work, I was going to do the old lady's garden.

Then it all went wrong.

The radio warned of an accident up ahead, and I heard it in time to plan to take the other route, but the problem was that traffic was gridlocked.

So I turned the car round and headed out into the wilds, and haha, got stuck behind a grockle can doing 20mph.

To cut a long story short, I realised I couldn't get to my old lady and went to do another job. I stopped to phone the old lady, realised that my phone was playing up, fixed it, and she had been trying to contact me to cancel as she isn't well and the ground is saturated.


So I went to get on with some other work, the gridlock meant I wouldn't go and buy trousers today, but anyway, I started having flashbacks as I worked, and they were bad.

Eventually I came home, intending to have a lunchbreak, but I just felt too awful. Until the injustices are addressed, there is no way of getting the horror to stop.

I have felt bad, but I put 2 5HTP in my coffee, and eventually I went into efficient mode, I sorted the flat out a bit, wrote letters, and prepared tomorrow's lunch, and I watched Hollyoaks.

Now I am just trying to head towards sleep without too much distress.

Monday, 21 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well last night I slept until 2.50am, and woke distressed, but I recorded my distress on the tape recorder and slept again, I can't remember my distress or what I recorded.

I woke this morning to something strange, it felt like there was water running down my lower leg, alarming because we have a flat roof and it had rained in the night, but there was no water on my leg at all! I looked this up and it is a neurological symptom, I know I have felt strange recently but I do not have any of the neurological conditions associated with this, so I may have been dreaming.

Anyway, it was estate day today, I always try to actively make it less hellish, so I had a shower and dressed in clean black jeans and a crisp blue shirt, and I had already packed litre bottles of squash, 500ml bottles of hydration salts, and a nice lunch of sandwiches, crisps and fruit, as well as painkillers and I thought I had packed a pain pen and cream, but no sign of those, they have vanished.

I managed to park at work, and the boss had nicked my workmate's space, and laughed at him when he arrived, but the boss wasn't feeling well, we have a joke about how we all turn up no matter what the weather and even if we have broken a leg, and it isn't that far from true.

But despite the boss feeling ill, and having had some time off, he was working today, he and his daughter did the top half of the estate and me and my workmate did the lower half.

Despite some repairs the mower was still too vibratey, and I said I would do some of the mowing but didn't want to get sick, and everyone said that was fine, but I did all the mowing down there, and it rained and it was damp and humid and horrible and I ended up covered in sticky wet grass cuttings.

At lunchtime I sat in my car and had my nice lunch and painkillers, I couldn't find the pain pen or heat cream so I had to make do with that. Then I got coffee. I had a problem today that the black jeans have worn at the seams and the wearing was pinching and rubbing my leg, which was nasty and has left a blister-bruise thing, but I couldn't do anything about it, unfortunately my work trousers have just given up. So tomorrow I will have to go get trousers.

Anyway, so it was my last day on the estate, not because the stupid management company have fired us, they couldn't get anyone else to take the job on under their terms, unsurprisingly, no it was my last day because I said that it is too much strain on me and I can't do it any more, the others wish they could quit too and also hate it, but I am the one with the injuries that aren't enduring it.

So, I have a new monday routine, I take the big holiday estate that I normally spend a morning on with my workmate, and I do that alternate mondays all day, and I do the Marina all day on the other alternates. So all change, and I don't mind too much.

Although it felt slightly sad in the afternoon, because everyone knows us, and various people shouting me over by name and chatting to me, I won't really see them any more.

I did some good clearing work in the afternoon, working alone, and watching a load of cats trying to get into my workmate's van, no idea what he has got in there but they want a piece. His van is a joke to us, as he never clears it out and we make up scare stories about what may be living or growing in there.

The end of the day was happy and sad, my last day on the estate and it has been a long time now, since my first day there, we were standing by the vans and laughing, talking about the marina and someone who lives there, and someone stopped to talk to us, the guy who I have known since I was a teenager, and he said 'They haven't got rid of you then!' It felt funny to me, because no, the estate didn't get rid of us, but it was still my last day.
We told him no-one else would take the contract on the hours and money, and he ranted about the management raking in fees and not using the money for what it is intended for, the residents have tried to force change, but it hasn't worked.
It is funny I will not see him again,  or all the other people who have been so appreciative of our work.

It's possible to get used to a place even if you can't stand it.

Anyway, at last it was home time, aching and tired, I came home, and started trying to do something about the pain, I can't find the pain pen or cream that I put on the rail and was sure I packed this morning, gone. Mysterious.

When I got home I had a shower and supper and watched some TV, not focussing really, Monday is a dud day once work has finished, there is only tiredness, and painkillers and massage seat and acupressure etc, I also did the rolled towel spine thing that the physio taught me, it is quite good, all I have left is some neck pain, and I am ordering a new neck massage thing.

There was supposed to be an eclipse, but it wasn't very good due to the fact that it was just before sunset. I remember the full eclipse, you won't believe how old that makes me feel, I was at work at the time and we went out to watch the full eclipse, but the one today just took a bite out of the sun and the sun was heading for sunset anyway so it was no good. I will write to the Prime Minister and complain and ask for a better one.

I am tired but as usual I am afraid to sleep, because of the distress.

Tomorrow I have my old lady, then some trouser shopping, then the care home.

Sunday, 20 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Bed time, tomorrow we have the estate, they haven't got rid of us yet, grr.

A quiet day here, an unremarkable service at church, and then home, I wasn't deeply sociable, said hi to my peeps, and been home, just doing chores, watching films, preparing for the working week. Not much.

Not been feeling great, physically not great, and mentally distressed and flashbacks as well.

There is a suggestion that this unknown illness is early menopause, which would be perfectly reasonable, would explain the night sweats etc.

Saturday, 19 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well last night wasn't too turbulent, I did wake at some point, I did have some dreams and distress but it faded into oblivion. I got up this morning to find I had opened a window in the night - I usually wake up too hot when I am distressed - but the air coming into the flat was cool, crisp and scented, autumnal, lovely.

Well today was a funny day, because I decided not to top up my work at the care home but to leave them until Tuesday (yeah, right, no, I promise I will). So no work, no work could mean just being here and being distressed, well in a way that is what happens at weekends and in the evenings and nights, so yeah, some distress, but I was focussing on major cleaning and sorting out, the new mop and hoover have inspired it, as well as my whiteboard task list reminding me of everything that needs doing.
So I did a major clear-out and took things down to the lockup.

Then I have been watching DVDs and cleaning and clearing the flat, cleaning the car inside and out, sorting tools and equipment and possessions, and it is all beginning to shape up a bit now.

Nothing worth watching on TV today.

I have what appears to be an automated stalkerstat viewing the blog every few hours, unless it is the police. I would like it to stop as it is annoying and is messing up my stats.
I am not suicidal you stupid police, go and beat my abusers up.

I am just cooking some steak, and tomorrow will be church, and some writing. I have written a few lines of Castle on the Hill today, I don't feel like writing, but with a quiet weekend and a distressed mind, I need to write.

Friday, 18 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Last night was slightly better. I did have one nightmare but I generally slept through.

Today I worked down the Marina, and there were big fish doing fish things in the water, fish do not do much, they just swim and open and close their mouths, I would like to bring one home and fry it with butter.

Then this afternoon I did the old lady's garden, and she enticed me in for tea for once, and her neighbour was saying lots of complimentary things about me and calling the other gardener a mini hippo, which is dead rude.

I came home and started the housework, only one lot of washing this weekend and that is out on the line, half the house is hoovered and mopped, yay, and the big shopping is done.

I watched Top Secret and Hollyoaks and now I am tired enough to sleep. maybe.

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Bored waiting for Emma to comment on my blog, lets do Janet Averty's theme and solemnly acknowledge how twisted it all was, whatever was going on up there.


Good evening peeps,

I had a terrible night, full of nightmares and severe distress.
I got up this morning and it was raining and I didn't want to go to work.

I went anyway, running late, got stuck behind a tractor.

Got to work, on the cliff top, and my old lady wasn't too well, she had been quite ill, so the doctors had taken her off some of her meds and she looked ill and was coughing a lot, she was waiting to go and have a gastroscopy, and she has to have them without anasthetic like I do.

I got her garden done, went to collect my parcels, which included my new hoover and mop, and went to the next garden.

I was surprised how well I worked, and I finished there and came home to get my mower for the care home, but Hampshire Blasted Police had been sending me emails, so it took me an hour to tell them to go to hell and I was shook up, as I always am when I deal with the nazis.

Eventually I went back to work, and worked myself to an exhausted standstill just as it started to rain again.
I came home and have been doing very little apart from watching Hollyoaks. I can't seem to throw off the depression and despair any more, it is set in, there was no hope for me after the Bishop and Archbishop had me publicly destroyed, and their police seige of my home in September last year was the last straw, all that is left is suffering.

Guernsey have spent the evening checking if I blogged about airplanes. Go to hell Guernsey.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday's physio was painful and had quite an impact on me, I still feel wrecked.

So I didn't work yesterday afternoon.

I went down to the salon by the sea to get a hair appointment and was surprised to bump into my old housemate, who seemed really pleased to see me.

She told me that she has a strange housemate now, but we are all strange to her, she has such problems herself with emotions and issues. Her housemate sounds like me, but she likes me now, was happy to see me.

She told me that sadly she is having to consider returning to Poland as the falling pound means money she sends home isn't worth as much.
It makes me sad, she has worked so hard, to learn English and train as a carer, and now she is being forced out of the life she built.
She also told me that her disabled friend needed tree work done and no-one would help, so I giggled and gave her the boss's number. She can't get his name right any more than she can get my name right. I am sure he will have fun talking to her.

Anyway, she seemed so happy to see me, it was funny. And off I went to make a hair appointment, get the bedraggled mop thinned, it looks so bad when I leave it.
The salon gave me an appointment for today, which was quicker than expected.

I came home and watched 7 Pounds, which is a sad film but very moving.
Then Hollyoaks.

I spent the evening writing, and crying, I felt ill and sad and tired, the physical trauma of the physio and the years of harm to me from the church just overwhelmed me.

I didn't sleep too badly though, although I had a nightmare about the church and Littleton. I am always relieved to wake and know that at least I am free from the old bigots and their fake church.

This morning I went to work, the garden clearance that I started last week, it went well although I am still in pain from physio. The lady was so happy with it, she came out and gave me a £10 that she insisted I accepted. It is sub-contract work, so the boss pays me, but the extra £10 that she insisted will come in handy.

I headed for my haircut, and got it done OK, thinned and trimmed.
Then I had lunch at a seaside cafe, one that I like. Jacket potato and a mug of tea.

I am still wrecked from physio, so I came home, I still feel physically and emotionally wrecked. I am watching 7 Pounds again. I will watch 'Top Secret' next, to lighten the mood.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well it is nice and early as my work today doesn't start until 9.

I wrote that 15 minutes ago and wandered off.

I just ordered a new hoover and mop for the flat, normally I sweep the whole things and skate around on cloths but that is hard work and this flat is a devil for dust bunnies, so I decided to upgrade.

On Sunday I got the whole flat very clean, and that was about all I did, apart from preparing for work, washing Max and watching some movies.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I went to work with my mate, the mower is so bad that the vibrations have seized up my shoulder and neck, worse than it has been in a while as I have done such good pain management for so long, but I have been suffering.

As I write, I have just belatedly got my physio reminder through, belated because the physio is today and I was wondering what time, as the reminder had not come. 2pm, just the right time to ruin any working day. I have my old lady this morning and then I will have to come home for lunch and a shower before physio, and as physio takes 40 minutes, I end up with less time to get another job done in the afternoon, how annoying, but hopefully physio can release the neck and shoulder injury somewhat.

Yesterday was a long day, supposed to be warm and cloudy, yeah, right! As always it was hot and sunny. And with the hard work, it made me tired and ill. We did have a nice long lunch on the beach though, and I had coffee with my lunch, which always cheers me up. I did meds all day and drank 2.25 litres of squash and 1 litre of hydration mix, and tea and coffee, but I felt awful anyway.
The mower blade is broken, hence the vibration, so it is impacting badly on my shoulder, they will have to fix it now.

Last night I was exhuasted and went to bed at 7.30, which of course meant I was waking in the night, more in pain than distress though, well, maybe.

So today is supposed to be a light easy day, take it easy Tuesday, but physio kind of complicates that.

I am curious as I have a new reader who is viewing the blog every few hours. Hello. If you are looking for contact details, shout me on twitter. If not, welcome to the blog.

Sunday, 13 August 2017


Good lunchtime peeps,

I am sitting in my shower robe, with my lunch cooking in the kitchen, there is nothing on television.

Last night I was tired enough to sleep, and to sleep through the night without distress.

I woke up this morning and as usual the distress came back, it takes some hours to override it and try to live normally, so I did very little for some time, I finished reading a book and watched Hollyoaks without interest.

Then I started the housework, just to annoy the dirty church of england, the housework is currently at chaotic stage, the stage before you start pulling it all together and it all looks good.

It is a warm sunny day, so I should go out, to a cafe or something by the sea. I don't feel enthusiastic.

Tomorrow we have the holiday homes run, and it will be cloudy and not too warm if the forecast is right. I look forward to coffee on the sea wall at break time.

I guess I had better do my work diary and schedule, a week of solid plodding, comfortingly routine and normal. Hopefully. You never know what the church and their complicit idiots will do next.

Saturday, 12 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

It has been a hard day due to being awake with trauma in the night, and I am tired.

I didn't do much at all this morning, watched TV, not much.

This afternoon I went to work for a few hours, felt lazy but worked anyway.

This evening I have watched Liar Liar, done housework, and emails, and cooked a proper supper. And I went for a sunset drive along the coast, which I don't often do.

I am getting sleepy now.

The trauma and distress are so constant because there has been no resolution to anything.

Trauma, awake in the middle of the night because of trauma.
I guess going to bed early when I know this happens, doesn't help, but I was too tired to stay up, and I was asleep within minutes of lying down.
But here I am, awake and trying to go back into coping mode.
I have taken 2 5HTP, which isn't great if I do sleep, because it causes vivid dreams.

Friday, 11 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well I am tired.
I am sure you can imagine, London was a long day for me. It went well but took a lot of energy and management of everything so that I didn't get sick.

I got home at 11.40 last night, and was in bed at about midnight, and woke free from pain this morning, but I am tired.

I have worked a light and easy day today, then done the shopping, and now that Hollyoaks is over, I am having an early night, I hope that won't make me ill with flashbacks and nightmares.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

It is Wednesday rained off day.
I found fruit and nut chocolate.

Last night I had a bad night of nightmares, the worst were about the Lihous. I am always relieved to wake up and remember that the disturbed and harmful church of england people who affected my life for so long are gone. Nonetheless, my sleep was disrupted and unhappy and I woke a number of times and had to do meds and open windows and try to cool down and calm down.

I am still battling depression and trauma, these days I don't get much relief from it.

This morning I fell asleep again at 5am and woke late, I had to wash and dress quickly and go and get a ton bag from my workmate, and give him the hedgecutter.

But work looked doubtful and I felt bad.

In the end I did two hours of heavy clearance and got soaked through.
I left a lot of heavy garden waste for the boys to collect.

I had to just give up and come home, and the rain has been relentless.
When I got home, I put my soaking work clothes in the wash, and hid in a duvet in front of the TV and watched Mel and Joey.

I had to do a wash despite the rain as I am going to London and I need clean smartish clothes.

I did a fry-up for lunch, sausage, eggs and bacon, with bread and coffee. And Then I printed and worked through tomorrow's paperwork.
Eventually I was cold enough to have a shower. I am really bad at getting in the shower after being out in the rain.

I am drinking coffee laced with 2 5HTP, and hoping it will help. I think I will watch Self/less now until Princess Diaries are on later, yesterday I watched 'Me before You'.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Just winding down for the night.

Last night I slept better, being very tired helps. And thankfully no residual pain from yesterday's work, aches and tiredness, but not real pain.

This morning I went to work for my old lady, hoping the rain would allow it. But she was unwell, and her husband came out and asked if I would do the lawns and a general tidy up, he said he would make tea later.
The old lady had a lot of pain from spine problems so she gets ill a lot, but she says the doctors and hospital don't really help her.
Her husband is an old fashioned man, who hadn't heard of lady gardeners when I appeared, and their last gardeners were cowboy men who did little and demanded much, so he is still a bit astonished by my work, but he has got used to me, and he is very appreciative and grateful for my work, he had a heart attack 18 months ago, so he can't do much in the garden now.

I got their garden done before the rain, and headed into the supermarket on the way home for some shopping, my workmate turned up there, and looked surprised to see me, he was working at the retirement complex nearby, and he looked tired, so I asked him it his harem were wearing him out, he grinned, but he is sad that they won't allow him to build a compost bin to save taking so much waste away.

I headed home for lunch, intending to do the care home in the afternoon if the weather allowed, but no such luck, I was rained off. So other chores were to be done, more shopping, housework, homework for Thursday, because, yes, I am going to London after all.

I am very tired now, but the flat is clean and I have wiped out half a whiteboard of chores and tasks.
I watched Hollyoaks and read a short story as well, and started getting the London material together, and tomorrow I will be doing a new property sub-contact, if the weather allows, as the Holiday cottage remains fully booked. I would be doing the marina in the afternoon but the weather looks pretty bad.

Monday, 7 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Tired but not in too much pain.

Last night I slept shallowly and had nightmares about the church and homelessness, very vivid and upsetting.

I woke this morning and dragged myself through the routines.

I headed for the estate, not leaving myself much time, but with it being school holidays, I arrived in good time.

The team today was my workmate, myself, the boss and his daughter.
None of us like the estate, the work is soul destroying and the management company are horrible.
I was dreading it even more than usual. Having had the diagnosis and assessment of my shoulder and neck makes me more reluctant to do that high impact and futile work to maintain a massive estate with only one day a fortnight. We hate the estate but it has been year round reliable work.

Well it seems that it may be coming to an end. Another firm had been brought in to plant up the desert areas of builders soil, and yes, they had planted directly on the builders soil, against our advice and despite the demise of the plants we put in, the managers have been such cheapskates they refuse to listen regarding the soil being no good, and they have refused to budget for topsoil, so basically those new plants will die.

Anyway, we got on with the mowing, got the estate done. And then onto the weeding, the day dragged, and I drank bottles of squash and hydration solution, as well as keeping the painkillers and anti-inflamatories at top dose.
I also had coffees at breaktime, and endured the day.

In the afternoon I went to get some bags from the vans for my weeding, and all of us except the boss's daughter, who felt unwell, ended up in a kind of confab with some of the residents.

The residents generally like us and our mad hard work, and they don't like the management company.
One of the residents was discussing the site and situation with us, and another, who, believe it or not, I have actually known since I was a teenager, small world eh, came to talk, and he told us the management company had been showing another gardening team round the estate.

We laughed. We rely on the estate for income in the winter but we hate the way the management company treat us and we work flat out and make ourselves ill because they only give us one day a fortnight to do everything, and then they grumble. We have tolerated this and we have run out of patience. Good luck to them if they want to make another team endure it.
The only thing is, according to the residents, the amount of money the management team are taking from residents for maintenance is not being reflected in what they pay us or in any promised work being done, so the residents are sympathetic to us and furious with the management, who are raking in enough to have us there a lot more, as well as budgeting for topsoil and other things that they refuse to.

So it was a heated and sympathetic conflab, where ousting the management team was raised by the residents, one of whom would be more than capable of chairing a new management team, indeed that line of work has been his life, and we would work well for him.
But, it looks as if the current management want shot of us so that they can blame and wear down another team, they just haven't told us yet, so we are waiting with grins on our faces, and when the boss says if they wear the other team down and ask us back, he will charge double. And believe me if they stick to one day a fortnight another team won't last, we have done the impossible for a long time now. I hope I never go back there. I dread and endure it.

Anyway, I finished promptly and went to do my final duties at the farm, phew what a relief! That has been too much for me as well!

Then I came home, traffic crawled and it was 6pm when I got home.

I have had a quiet evening, supper, TV, a book, pain prevention, and now just finishing the day and preparing for bed. I did the invoices and write-up for the farm, and they will have come home to find that. Not that I am impatient but they sometimes take their time to pay for work and I could do with the money.

Tomorrow a quieter day, one old lady, one care home, no farm!

The London trip is uncertain due to the severe disruptions caused by engineering, we are just seeing what alternatives can be worked up, so it is 50-50 at the moment.

Sunday, 6 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

I am watching Night at the Museum. I have given Max a wash.

Well Friday evening out was generally good, a bit dodgy with the transport home, but that was my annual outing. I survived it.

But, getting back at Quarter to one in the morning did make the weekend harder. I had to be up early for the farm as well.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur, I went back to bed after the morning farm duties, slept until lunch time, wasn't hungry, went back to the farm and worked, not much else happened apart from a bit of TV and reading.

Today I went to do the farm, then I went to church, struggled though church, but it was nice to see my churchpeeps. Although a lot of people were away and it was very quiet.

After church I came home, didn't do much, and went back to the farm for the evening.

I am only just starting my weekend chores, cleaning, preparing for the week etc. Tomorrow evening I hand the farm back over, phew! I am glad it is over!
But tomorrow we have the estate, which I outright hate. Since finding out how bad my shoulder and neck are, I am sure I should not work on the estate.

Anyway, I feel tired and useless, the church and police damage will never go, and it is hard to live. I wonder why and how I get through each day, just waiting for them to harm me again. It is hard and it never gets easier, the police and church and their complicit services and authorities have destroyed me, and no matter what I do, that remains.

Thursday, 3 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday I had an unfortunate accident.
I was working at the farm and the rain was pouring down and the railway sleepers were wet and slippery and I fell hard.

I landed on my hand, which is bruised, but the impact was above my elbow, so I have a hurty arm and changing gear when I drive is a bit awkward. I also strained my leg, but mildly. and all that just after physiotherapy.

I am walking wounded though, and this morning on the cliff top, I was using the heavy hedgecutter without too much difficulty.

I went into town at lunchtime, got the household shopping and lunch, and then worked at the farm for the remainder of the day. I cannot express how glad I will be to hand the farm back, I can't cope with it with all my work, I mean I am coping with it, but it is not having a good effect on me.

The wind made work difficult today, and unforecast rain at times didn't help.

I worked too hard, and got home worried about being ill, I am aching, but tomorrow will tell, and I hope very much I will not be ill tomorrow as I have a special evening.

I have felt very depressed, but I have done some housework, watched TV, done a load of washing and hung it out.

Twitter tolls haven't helped my mood, but they are very stupid and ignorant and have no base for their silly whining.

Tomorrow I have the mansion for the morning and one of my old ladies for the afternoon. Then the farm.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017


Good afternoon,

I have not updated properly for several days. I don't know why.

On Sunday evening I watched Nanny McPhee and Home alone, and my landlord and his son came to try to fix the washing machine, but we don't know if it is fixed until next time I try to use it.

On Monday it was sunny and I worked with my mate, we had lunch on the sea wall in the sun, and I had coffee from the kiosk, but then I felt ill in the afternoon but didn't know why. I worked still, and then went and did the farm.

Yesterday I started at my old lady's house, she told me it takes her two weeks to get a doctor's appointment even though she is in pain.
When I had done her garden I went and started on the care home, and stopped halfway through to come home and change and go to physiotherapy.

The physio did ultrasound on the sciatica, which is actually a strained ligament and facet joint, but he was much more serious about my neck and shoulder.

He says the injured trapezius has wasted a bit despite my work, and that can happen with pain, and the muscle is tight as well as wasted, but worse, the neck problem isn't just muscle tightness or degeneration, it is whiplash, all the way along, which went untreated, and is untreatable now. Damn. Permanent, although, peeps, you know I knew that the pain I live with is permanent, I stopped looking for cures and accept that treatment when it is bad is the only option.

Anyway, so I left there a bit poorer and with pain in my neck and shoulder from treatment.

The 'sciatica' has responded well to treatment, but the neck and shoulder have been painful today.

Today was a washout, it has been pouring with rain.
I have to go and do the farm, and some shopping in a while. Traffic has been horrendous recently and the weather won't help. I am very tired and I will be glad to hand the farm back soon.

I have been testing my new orthapedic pillow, it seems OK, it doesn't need a support under it yet as it is too bouncy.

I think I should go shopping and do the farm now, then I can have a hot shower when I come home wet and soaked.
I hope it dries out there for tomorrow, I need to do the grass there and there is a lot of it!

Sunday, 30 July 2017


Good afternoon peeps,

I woke up feeling better.

I went and did the farm.
Debated whether to go to church from there, but decided that I needed to rest and sort the flat out.

Which I have been doing, slowly.

The washing machine is leaking all over the floor. That is not good. That is the replacement washing machine which has been a bad replacement for a perfectly good machine, but they though this one was younger, I think it was a needless and bad move, especially as the floor is soaked, but they are out, so it will wait.

I am so tired, I just have to go on cleaning and have a shower and later I will go and put the farm to bed. I am not really able to concentrate very much on writing.

It is a breezy day, sunny and cloudy.

There is nothing decent on TV and I haven't wanted to go out anywhere or do much, I should do music and writing but a lot of the time I see no point.

Saturday, 29 July 2017


Good evening peeps,

I am watching Evan Almighty, Sister Act 2 was on before.

This morning I fell out of bed and into work clothes, and headed for the farm.
The animals were pleased to see me and their breakfast, the breakfast mostly.

The weather was staying dry at first but was due to turn bad, so I didn't leave the greenhouse open or anything.

I nipped in town for some breakfast, and then I was due to do the care home, but realised I would have to go home for my mower!
I can't wait to get a van.

I did the care home until the rain began, and then it was time to get petrol and shopping, an annoying Saturday thing, but the weeks are so busy, I end up as if I was a normal person, doing chores on the weekend.

I have been feeling really low, as you know, and very depressed and angry. Sometimes the horrific injustices override the dissociation which keeps me alive, and I stop coping.

Anyway, the rain continued, and I tried to cope, read the paper, watched a DVD, thought about sleeping.

I decided to skype the doctor, I pay monthly for access to advice from doctors, because the NHS have destroyed me and left me with no access to help. So I pay for private doctor advice. The three-ring evil of church-police-NHS costs me a lot of money when I am still in poverty, and I still can't afford therapy, it is cheaper to pay for the doctor with a monthly fee.

This was to be the first time I dared to actually use the online service, and I was terrified, of course, but after a few problems with the system, I spoke to a very down-to-earth doctor, I told him about my recent problem with sciatica, and he said 'lay off the heavy lifting for a while' (It has been using my workmate's heavy hedge trimmer that has triggered it), and the doctor wrote me a referral letter for physiotherapy. So I have emailed the physio clinic.

Talking to a doctor without being hurt really helped me. I was so anxious, and problems with the sound meant I had to switch to my tablet from the laptop, but I felt much better for having spoken to the doctor, I didn't talk about my state of mind, give it time and I will, but my confidence in medical staff is so shattered that it will take time. It is another thing that needs rebuilding.

Then I finally cooked lunch at nearly 5pm, and went to put the farm to bed, in the pelting rain.

Home again, it really was time for a hot shower and some nice films.
I am all clean and in clean clothes, and feeling a lot better.

The flat really needs tidying, everything is all over the place.

I can't get writing, even though I have a few things I want to write.

Friday, 28 July 2017


Hey peeps,

Well I slept through the night but with vivid dreams, then this morning the flashbacks relating to the police, church and NHS were horrific and it was hard to work.

The weather was wet and windy and the traffic was bad. But I worked at the marina with the boys.

They were mowing and I was planting, weeding and hedge trimming.

They didn't have a good day, one broken mower and one broken window. Not happy.

I got a good morning's work done despite the desperate distress. Then I finished at lunch time and came home for my lunch.

Unfortunately it started raining, but I headed back out, hoping for the best, but as well as the continued rain, traffic was horrendous, so I didn't get my old lady's garden done, I went and shut the farm up early. Got the animals fed and out of the weather.

Came home, Titanic was on, so I watched that and then Hollyoaks and did meat and bread for supper.

I had arranged with the director of the samaritans to go in and see them this evening. I always think I will be too tired but if I have an arranged time, it helps. There is only one samaritans branch in the district, some miles from home, and they can be short of volunteers, so I arrange in advance to go and see them.

Before I headed out into the rainy night, I offered my landlady some fresh eggs from the farm, I wasn't sure of myself, shy, I didn't know if they ate eggs, but they like eggs, so that was good.

Sometimes talking to the Samaritans helps, sometimes it doesn't. This time I had to try, because this horrible depression and flashbacks won't lift without action. It helped to talk to a samaritan today. He listened and I talked, and he kept saying it was all amazing and incredible, it doesn't feel amazing or incredible to me, but it helps to be reminded that everything, the rough sleeping, the rebuild of my life, are remarkable and it isn't surprising I have bad patches.

I came home through the rain and wind, which are both heavy now, and talking helps my mind to quiet down, so that is why I go to the samaritans occasionally.
So now I will sleep.

Tomorrow looks wet, but I will do the farm, and hopefully the care home as well.

Thursday, 27 July 2017


Good evening peeps,

Here comes the boom is on Movie Mix, so I am watching that, old favourite.

Yesterday I went to work down the marina when the rain eased a bit. It was still damp and miserable, with the wind howling in the masts.

I felt tired and grotty.

Recently I come home and sit in the dark, so I did that. And I went to bed early.

This morning I crawled unwillingly to work, started on the cliff top, when my old lady got home from the doctor, she made me a cup of tea. There was a hard rain shower and I sheltered in her porch.

Then I went to the mansion, they had gone away and forgotten to tell me or pay me. And they had bolted one of the gates, so I could only do some work. For some reason the flashbacks are terrible when I am there, and they were today, but I woke to flashbacks and they have been bad all day, all week actually.

Then there was another rain shower.

I had Max booked in for testing at the service station at 2pm, so I had time to get lunch and tea up on the cliffs.
The wind was blowing the waves and my favourite cafe didn't mind seeing me in grubby work clothes and boots rather than the day clothes and study books that they usually associate me with. I enjoyed some time on the cliffs before taking the car in.

I like the service station, they greet me by name and offer me coffee. They took Max, which always makes me anxious, and Max seemed sulky. But he was OK, we have ruled one thing out.

After that, I headed for town, I usually order 5HTP online but I am severely depressed and can't wait, so I got some in town. I looked all round the shop and then found it by the counter, got some on special offer as well.
I always leave things, don't realise, until it becomes a problem, running out of 5HTP, needing a new pillow, needing to use an inhaler, I guess I must still dissociate a bit.

I have ordered a new pillow by the way, there is improvement in my sleeping, but I do need to keep my neck supported better as I don't think the worn down pillow is helping my health.

Anyway, I ended my working day at the farm, I mowed the orchards.
Then I fed the animals and put them away.

I came home, did fish and rice, put the washing on, and it is just lazy tv, I feel a bit better, maybe.

The washing is out, and I am gambling on being up early and getting the washing in before it rains tomorrow.

I am working down the marina with the boys in the morning, and I should be working for my old lady in the afternoon but I am likely to be rained off.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps.

Well I am rained off, but hopefully not for long.

I almost slept through the night, woke briefly but after a minute of distress, I was asleep again.

I woke this morning, wanting to hang on to the vague but comforting dreams, but I felt rested, I also had lingering pain from yesterday. But not too severe.

It was raining as promised, I headed for work anyway, but it was too rainy, too wet, so here I am home, just for another hour and a half, as I will try to work this afternoon.

It is no bad thing being home, as I was tired and in pain. Extra rest is good. I am watching 'Are you being Served'. I did fried egg sandwiches too, the house is full of eggs. I must start distributing them. Did I hear something about a protest at Lambeth Palace?

On the way home I was startled by a large object in the road, I was afraid it was a person, but it was an empty ton bag!
Of course I did my civic duty, I put Max's hazards on and grabbed the ton bag, and seeing as there was no owner in sight, I had to bring it home, so the boys will have a new ton bag with no holes in.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017


Good evening peeps,

Today wasn't the usual Take it Easy Tuesday, I worked hard today and I am aching too much, I could end up ill if I can't get the muscles to relax.

It was hot today as well.

I woke up this morning having slept through the night, which was awesome, but I was also depressed, as I was yesterday, so it was hard to think.

I went and did my old lady's garden first, she was happy as she was being taken on a day out, and she was just happy, so that was good, she went off and I mowed the lawns and cut things back.

Then the routine changed from normal as I had work for the property managers.
I headed over there, the sea was full and the sun was shining, so it was busy, I got lunch in a cafe, jacket potato and cheese with a mug of tea, nice cafe, that one, an old favourite.

The DIY shop had no decent brooms, so I went to the good hardware shop, I got a broom, and strolled up the road with it beside me, an old lady said I looked menacing, and I said I didn't mean to, and we laughed. I went in the shop for an ice cream, and they told me I didn't need to sweep the shop today, and we laughed. People are funny.

So I went to do this work, I hate it, I do that job a few times a year, clearing a car park, hate it. Got it done. The head kept coming off the new broom, so it didn't sweep clean. Can't put a nail in it, it has a wooden head and stem but a plastic bracket, which would break if you tried to hammer a nail in it.

On from there, I decided not to do the care home, but to do the farm instead, and be there to put the animals away when I finished.

I mowed the house lawns and some of the other lawns at the farm, but not the orchard, I was getting hot and tired and ill by then, so the orchard will wait. I fed the animals, put them to bed and collected the eggs, I had watered the greenhouse and veg patch as well.

I came home, so tired and aching, traffic wasn't too bad, it has got nuts recently with the start of grockle season.

I have been so tired, just cooked supper, caught up with Hollyoaks, talked online for a long time. Had a shower, and that is it, early night.

My boss and workmate have been trying to work out about tomorrow, we hadn't been able to get hold of the caretaker so we didn't know if I was to do the holiday cottage or the marina tomorrow and it is going to rain hard. The caretaker just texted that the holiday cottage is free from Thursday, which means I will do the marina tomorrow, if the rain is bad, I will do a half day and maybe some more on Friday.

Those of you survivors who are being directed to my blog, welcome. I don't know if this blog surprises you, because I do not live daily in a tirade against the church, I live a relatively normal life, which in itself is proof against the church and their horrific treatment of me and smearing of me.

Monday, 24 July 2017


Good evening peeps,

I should be in bed, but I am trying in any way that I can think of, to break the cycle of night time waking and distress.

Last night I had another terrible night, and I was very tired and distressed this morning.

Anyone reading this may have realised what I didn't, the London trip did cause a relapse, I have had all the symptoms, tiredness, pain, distress, difficulty walking, sleep and nightmare problems etc.

And the shock JEP article

 on top of my traumatic written work for 'In Terror' which is on 25,000 words, has left me drained and depressed.

My worst distress and trauma at night though, it the way the NHS have failed and branded me because of the church and police. Being branded in a way that will prevent me from receiving proper and courteous treatment and help, and will put my life at risk in an emergency, as well as affecting me for life, is no small thing. It makes it hard to live, not that the church and police atrocities don't.

Anyway. So this morning, preparing for the hardest day of work I do, working on the estate, I just felt so bad that I didn't want to go to work.
I couldn't let them down, so I went anyway.

I did the litterpick and got on with the mowing. My workmate wasn't working well, standing around and smoking because his weekend drinking was affecting him, which I thought wasn't fair, as I was there and working despite being overwhelmed with trauma and distress and exhaustion.

Anyway, at lunchtime when we finished the mowing, I asked if I could call it a half day and go home, and the boss said I could.

I came home, and I sat in bed and watched episodes from the second series of 'Humans' on my laptop. I even ate a late lunch in bed, I never normally sit in bed or do anything but sleep and pray in bed. But I don't feel right at the moment and I was tired but unable to sleep.

This evening I went to the farm and sorted the animals out, brought some eggs home, then I went and got petrol and groceries when I got paid.

I didn't watch Hollyoaks tonight, I sat here and watched 'Buried Treasure' on my laptop, I haven't seen that for years. It was actually much better than I remember it.

Now I will try to go to sleep.

Sunday, 23 July 2017


Good evening peeps,

Shocked. Yes. Struggling to finish my very satisfying and thorough routine of tidying the flat and prepare for the working week.

Anyway, this morning I woke just before 7, after another restless night, I showered and dressed, black jeans, work shirt and boots, and off I went to shepherd my little farm.

I took the pigs by surprise, as I had prepared their food last night and they were still sleepy, I remember the intensive pig farm, where the pigs would start shouting at 5am and you had to have ear muffs.

I let the ducks out so they could get food and water first, then the geese.

There were no eggs this morning, but I fed and watered the hens and quails and opened the greenhouse for some air.

Then, it was time to head into town for church.

I nipped into McD's for coffee, and to change my shirt, reminiscent of the good old days when I was homeless.
My black jeans and work boots, as long as I scraped the boots off, were smart enough for church, but my shirt needed changing.

You know how my church never fails to surprise me and come up with new things? This week was no different. They had me helping with Sunday school this week. It has been many years now since I used to do that.

We had a visiting group with children, so Sunday school needed a hand, so I was that hand.

It was funny sitting there with a load of excited children, who kept scattering all over the place, with me having just come from the farm, I was sure God was laughing, especially as the other Sunday school leader was also a gardener.

It was a nice time, I don't mind what I do, to be honest. And after the service, I was surprised that people made a fuss of me for doing Sunday school, they do fuss me a bit, as you know, and as I am the condemned pariah of the church of england, it never fails to surprise me. You know how it is for me? I don't believe either that I am worthy of kindness or that any kindness or friendship will last, and if you looke at the way the church destroyed me and my friendships and communities for so long, the fears are realistic, especially as the church-police harm continues.

Anyway, there had been a party at church yesterday, I could have gone to it but I wasn't really in party mood, but there was lots of food left over, so guess who got to take a bagful of food home?
It means I have a good lunch for tomorrow.

I came home, and started the cleaning and tidying and preparation for the working week, it was all going so well. I also got the new book/report over 25,000 words.

I popped to the farm this evening to shut up, the weather remained so wet, the geese, instead of being norty, were waiting by their hut, demanding to be shut in.

I got some eggs from the hens, I closed the greenhouse, and heavy rain continued to fall as I came home.

I hoped to continue the cleaning and sorting of the flat as well as some more writing, but then I had an utter shock, that has left me bewildered and struggling.

Someone reporting on my case in the JEP again, after the foul, vile, disgusting way the JEP and Jersey press and media have treated me.

But apparently they were criticizing the bad 'uns, not attacking me, nonetheless, after being destroyed in the press and media, especially the JEP, and knowing that any new article gives the haters a change to attack again, and they will. The level of trauma is such that any new shock like this has a severe effect on me, I was left bewildered, you know how I go? Cold, confused, not sure if I have eaten or drunk or washed or what the time is? Yeah, like that.

I am grateful for the support on twitter. I am trying to pull myself together and finish my chores.

Saturday, 22 July 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I went to work with my workmate, traffic was horrendous in the morning, and indeed all day.

We did six hours at the retirement complex where the old ladies stampede because they adore him. He calls them his concubines and laughs about it.

There was plenty to do of course, the previous gardeners neglected the site and it is a big site, I ploughed into one area, filling up ton bags rapidly, while my mate got on with the boundary hedge, which takes up a lot of his time there.

The car's best friend came to the site at tea break, to do some checks and work on Max, he tightened the handbrake and ran tests, and has arranged for Max to go to the service station next week for a test, the stupid fault code is claiming we never replaced the catalyst, haha, it may be one of the probes at fault, so we need to have another emissions test to start with. Anyway, various things and prices and things, stupid car.

Anyway, the site manager at work asked me to plant up some tubs, so I had a break from heavy clearance, still filled 4 ton bags, overdid it a bit and felt a bit sick, but at least the cool breeze and cloud helped.

After we had done our six hours there, we headed through the heavy traffic to go and do the difficult old lady's garden, we don't like that, and she was difficult, but my workmate let me go when he went to get the money, otherwise I would be waiting half an hour for no reason, and I had the farm to do.

The farm isn't far from there, so I headed over there to start my duty as farm-sitter.

The rain was just spotting by then and I was worried about getting home to get my washing in as I had done a wash and put it out before work.

At the farm there were 7 hen eggs and 2 bantam eggs, so I am having egg sandwiches for lunch today, I fed the pigs, fed the geese and ducks, checked the hen and quail food and water, and shut the animals in for the night, all well.

Then I raced the clouds through heavy traffic all the way home and got the washing in just in time.

I was sad to see that the Church and Ecclesiastical Insurance has hijacked the Victoria Derbyshire interview with survivors and had lied a lot and treated victims' concerns with contempt, sad and disheartening, when will the Church of England be dealt with as they deserve? Maybe when we don't have a duplicitous Prime Minister who claims to be a Christian because her dad was a very dodgy CofE vicar.

Anyway, I was tired last night, working on this book 'In Terror' which is cathartic but nasty to write.

I went to bed early, and as is usual of late, I had an unsettled night with nightmares.

I woke at 7.10am and got up, work shirt, black jeans, work boots, off to the farm.

I only do the farm in the morning at weekends, thankfully, someone else is doing weekday mornings, so I just do evenings and weekend mornings.

At the farm, the ducks were shouting eagerly about being let out, so I let them out and let them get the food and fresh water before I let the geese out, the geese are a bit mean, and the geese like to sit in the drinking water too, so I let the ducks have first call, and then I let the geese out.

Then I fed the pigs, whose troughs were flung about in the mire, thank you pigs!
Then I checked the hens, no eggs, hens fine, I did their water and food, counted them, keep still you sods! And then checked the Quail and their food and water. All done.

I nipped into town on the way back, had breakfast and coffee, grabbed some shopping, posted some letters, and then here I am home, bewildered by my changed routine.

The weather has been heavy showers all morning, after heavy rain yesterday evening and in the night. Rain is comforting and welcome.