July:I had a sad start when I was told that the car I had been offered on loan was not available. I didn't blog this as I was afraid that talking about any possible progress in my life would trigger a vengeful attack by Jane Fisher, who is a very jealous lady and spent so much time destroying me and everything I had built up in my past life.
Anyway, life went on, struggling to get to work and carry tools and equipment on the bus, although my friend helped me out with lifts wherever she could.
The blue bike was also complicating things by playing up at this point.
I continued physiotherapy and sea swims but wasn't paying any attention to diets and gym.
What I wrote on July 13th 2015 is so profound that I thought I may as well add it in here:
This is the song that reminds me of the summer of 2015, although it comes from the sad circumstances of Pheobe's funeral in Hollyoaks.
Hollyoaks became my best way of chilling out after a hard day at work early on in 2015.
It is shallow and not always well-researched, but even my adoptive Mum says there is nothing wrong with something like Hollyoaks to help me relax and take my mind off things.
I never thought I would be a soap fan.
Through the year I had been occasionally remembering to go out with my mates to cinema and other events, but not often, especially as money was tight. I started pen pal letters as a safe and easy form of armchair socialising, not sure what the armchair thought, but I still enjoy penpalling very much and my pen pals are like real friends. A lot of shy people or people who find socialising difficult find pen palling a good way of socialising.
On 16th/17th July, life changed again.
I had put a bit of money aside from tax credit backlog. And I saw a car on the local marketplace site. I decided that this car was either too good to be true or perfect for me when I read the advert.
So my long-suffering friend came out in the evening and drove me to look at this car.
My last car in Jersey after Anna's demise had been a bum steer, so I was quite worried about buying a car. I had been having refresher lessons in July due to the fact I hadn't driven since Jersey. But I was very wary of re-introducing things into my life that had been left behind in Jersey. On the other hand due to my work, there was no way I could go on paying for expensive bus passes for unreliable buses. The only was was forward now.
So the day I went to the cinema with my mate to see 'Self/less' which you know is now my favourite DVD, F.P Nortycar, otherwise known as Florence, became my car. I was nervous from the start, an old car like Florence, even though she is a Peugeout, is a constant worry as to how long she will last and when she might break down, I just look after her as best I can.
I was very nervous to drive her at first and the night we collected her, my friend came back with me on that first drive, with her family following behind and guarding us from impatient cars.
Florence broke down two days after I got her. Norty little madam that she is.
For two weeks I was undecided as to what to do, money was low and to even have her towed would be expensive, I didn't have any car equipment and no mobile mechanic was available, while no-one I knew had any mechanical experience. I felt stupid and awful.
She broke down on the morning I was due to go to see my new therapist, so I grabbed my bike and ran for it.
I got to my therapy on time and my therapist is still my therapist, isn't he a brave man?
After almost two weeks, everyone in my life was telling me to contact the car's previous owners and ask them if they knew what might have gone wrong and if they had any jump leads.
I still didn't know if they had sold me a pup at this point and was nervous. But I contacted them. They came round promptly with jump leads, it turned out he was a skilled mechanic and knew this car very well, he discovered that it wasn't the battery, but the ignition amplifier had failed, he replaced it, and he became the car's best friend, assisting with any problems, he had probably been maintaining this car for years, hence it being in such good shape. But now with the car back on the road, I suddenly regained confidence and the memory of driving before.
By now I was already doing study preparation for University, which was due to start in October.
I was also addicted the 'Humans' series on Channel 4, and I have the DVDs now.
The weather in July was good, and I biked and swam and enjoyed BBQs and Bonfires.
My first music exam must have been in the summer, but I can't find it in the blog.
August:Well, August started with a bang. My landlady's daughter had moved herself in and then the landlady suddenly said she was moving a family with children in and we could like it or leave. A family with children would be impossible for me to live with, so I started to search for somewhere else, very upset.
I soon found the flat I am now in, and it was unfurnished so I had to look at furnishing it before I moved in.
I also started doing the paper rounds by car as I was now covering extra rounds.
I proceeded with the move to the flat. The upheaval left me unsettled as I had expected to stay where I was longer. Thankfully my friend helped me through the bewilderment and emptiness with tea and sympathy.
The rest of August was spent on trying to furnish the flat and make it into home. I was now completely independent and self-contained, all bills and responsibilities were mine. But at least I was no longer doing all the housework for a whole house.
Unfortunately the house move and moving heavy furniture, while also helping another family move, led to me tearing a muscle in my shoulder, which took a long slow time to mend.
The move to the flat took me some distance from the paper shop, and trying to do the papers by bike was no longer working, so I went by car every day. Then I was offered the rural routes for more money, and the car was essential. I was now having to get up very early in order to get to the paper shop for 6.30 and get the paper bundle to the rural distributor before doing my new rounds.
September:September started with my adoptive Mum coming over for the Royal Inspection of the flat. She approved.
Then the sofa bed saga occured. I had been sleeping on the floor of the flat when I moved in, and because the flat is small, I thought a sofa bed would be good. But the sofa bed was so uncomfortable that I didn't sleep well, my friend brought camping mattresses round and that helped a bit, but now getting up early, still unsettled in the new place and not sleeping well, it was all putting stress on me, my injured shoulder was also suffering from the sofa bed.
The doctors had put me on codeine for my shoulder and I was even more ill.
After a while I had to beg the local welfare scheme for help, and they had a bed delivered promptly, God bless them.
I also decided I needed just a few days off from doing the papers, and that was a lifesaver, I slept in and felt better.
On Friday September 11th, my friend came round to my flat, she was worried about me being ill and she had brought me another camping mattress to make sure I was comfy.
She was coughing, she thought she had a chest infection and she was considering seeing the doctor as it hadn't cleared up.
Unfortunately it wasn't a chest infection. And it wasn't pneumonia, which was the next guess.
The next thing I heard was that she was in hospital.
She was terminally ill and the illness had crept in and got a hold. Already there was little they could do.
Florence P. Nortycar also tried to quit life at this point, she blew her head gasket and that was nearly the end of her, thankfully her best friend was prepared to fix her. She was off the road for 10 days though so I couldn't do the rural routes and had to just bike round my old round instead.
My dental problems continued and I was increasingly unhappy about that.
I ended September by nominating the Bishop of Winchester as spiritual guide for the envoy to Mars.
October:October is anniversary month, so it can be gloomy. I did what I do every year regarding one anniversary, the one where I was left destroyed and homeless by the Church of England. I went to Southampton airport, and walked down to collect myself from arrivals.
Now I was also officially starting university, having started studying in preparation in July.
My friend came home from hospital and she seemed happy but tired, she said she didn't mind dying, but of course I minded that she was dying.
Up until this point the Church of England had been fairly quiet except for a jeer about 'God's people being safe in the churches in Jersey' well what about the normal people and the vulnerable? With a paedophile protector as lay chair of the Jersey synod and my abuser still lauded and upheld while I was destroyed, real people aren't safe in Jersey's churches and I was left shocked and distressed by Bishop Willmott's duplicitous statement,
But now the Jersey Deanery, led by their 'lay chair' attacked with full force, stomping like two year olds and demanding their whitewash report again, and abusing the press and media in order to get themselves heard.
The press and media and random strangers in turn abused me over this matter.
This continued into November, seriously disrupting my university studies and music studies.
Thre DWP, HMRC and council also decided to bombard me with rubbish and confusing stuff at this point too.
The bad anniversaries coninued with the church attacks.
It was a horrible October and November.
November:Early in November, very ill from the onslaught by the Jersey Deanery, and also now physically ill as well, I went to sit another music exam. The church hatred and onslaught had trashed my revision but I decided to sit the exam anyway.
I really couldn't tell how well I had done at the time. But my adoptive Mum met me outside the exam hall and took me to lunch and we had fun at one of my old favourite cafes, before I proceeded to do something that is omitted from this blog much as most of the Jersey Deanery onslaught is, I just really wanted to blog as normal and say nothing.
After I left my Mum when we finished lunch, I drove to Winchester.
Winchester was quiet and normal, and as usual I tried to get over the feeling of sickness and disgust that is the legacy of the way Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt destroyed and defamed and drove me from my home town humiliated and destroyed.
Today was a triumph over their sickening exile of me from my home town and loved ones.
I walked up to the Broadway.
There weren't many people yet.
I got my wristband and I waited.
People began to gather.
It began to get dark and the atmosphere began to build.
I was restless and excited as I always have been.
I got my firebrand, I was a bit too eager, I lit it while others were keeping theirs unlit.
I realised I was too early so I put it out again.
I waited, and there was plenty of space to move around, and it got later, things were running late now, firebrands were being lit.
The crowd gathered and increased, and more people asked to light their firebrand from mine, the more people who ask you for a light for their firebrands, the luckier you will be.
And then we were off, walking up the hight street with our brands, looking back at the line of lights following.
I raise my firebrand high in the air and joyful as the flame burns bright:
Winchester, my heart, my home my heritage!
Nothing they do can take you from my heart!
Nothing they can do can take you from my heart!
Winchester, my Heart, my Home, my Heritage!
We proceed round onto Jewry Street, the noise, the lights, the crowds, my heritage, my memory, all I ever knew. The crowds who split onto George Street rejoin us as we walk to the halted traffic on City Road and round down onto North Walls.
Those years ago, North Walls was free, but because of council regulations, they have to charge now. But it doesn't matter, it is still North Walls. We stream in onto the field, the floodlights partially light the field, and all around the edges are the food vans and attractions as the atmosphere builds and people begin queueing.
There is a sad empty space beside me for the people who used to be there with me, should still be there, but the diocese took them away.
But North Walls is immortal and beyond the vengeful rage of Jane Fisher.
The bonfire and fireworks are awesome, of course.
And then I head home.
North Walls of the past (scroll down the post a bit):
I found a new dentist who has been repairing my teeth very well.
Then the world shattered.
Bob Hill collapsed, presumably with the stress of his battle with Philip Bailhache and the press and media and Church of England over my case. I had been begging him to back down and leave the case alone but Bob was a law unto himself. He collapsed and for a few days I didn't know if he was still alive or if he had ever woken.
In that time I kept a candle burning, the guiding light to draw him off the ghost roads, and I offered God my life in return for his.
This song became 'Bob's Theme' as I waited to find out what had happened. All I could do was fight for his life in prayer and spirit. It is true he hurt me badly, but he had my welfare at heart.
When I saw Bob, he was awake, lucid and with some movement, he understood some of what I said but he had no ability to speak, which broke my heart as he had spoken for me, and had been speaking in my defence when he collapsed and I believe it is why he collapsed.
I wish him a speedy recovery.
In his collapse he also saved my life again, because I ended up at the hospital with a blood pressure reading of 180/113. I didn't know how ill I was until Bob collapsed.
I have been under constant and severe stress for so long, my blood pressure has to be regulated and medicated, and as a result I am trying to live very healthily, with a vegeterian diet and no cows milk, regular diet and fitness appointments and trips to the gym.
I blame the Church of England for ruining Bob's retirement, they refused to give him a hearing on my behalf and went on and on attacking my life, so a good man ended up ruined.
The darkness and distress and horror went deep, and despite the state I was in, the NHS refused to help me properly, and I had been forced to stop seeing my therapist due to the church crisis and lack of money as the gardening season went down and I struggled to find replacement work while I was in the awful state that the church left me in.
I was missing the cranky old cat from the old house so I got a new pet, remember him?
I started a delivery driving job, which lasted a month. They overworked me and didn't pay me.
But I started it on November 24th and quit at 11pm on December 24th when they weren't paying me so december was so thin and horrible and they wanted me to keep working on Christmas eve and not go to midnight mass and they were rude about my faith. That is the tip of the iceberg, I never wrote it in the blog because I like you to think everything is OK as much as possible.
My response to their crass behaviour on Christmas eve night? 'The Baby Jesus comes first you stupid f*ckers!'.
I worked willingly even though they made me work all the time, changed my start times every day, and really were not nice.
I have had so many instances in my life of staying in miserable and abusive situations, most notably in the church of England, that I am having to learn not to be afraid to break free quickly no matter what the cost. As my former psychologist said, I am easily exploited. I hate that.
Anyway, onwards into december.
December:A positive start with a good needs assessment that recommended support and communication technology.
Then more worrying news.
My adoptive parents started having health scares, so my Mum couldn't come over and help me with the net curtains.
The car had a service and some work that needed doing was flagged up, so the car's best friend did some of the work.
I then made another journey. And as I said on the blog 'Road to hell' comes to mind.
I felt very sad that due to the people I was delivery driving not paying me, I was left unable to prepare for Christmas or help with shoebox appeals or toy appeals or anything, those things are part of my Christmas, but with barely enough money to feed the electric meter, I could do nothing.
My phone got broken and I had no money to repair it, which added to the chaos.
I managed to enjoy local carols and Christmas tree festivals and temporarily joined a church as I missed the church at Christmas too much.
To add to the thin and unhappy time, my friend who is terminally ill was deteriorating, and we didn't know if she would make it to Christmas. But she wanted me there on Christmas day, if she was still there. This was really hard to live with.
I had some early Christmad presents including a wonderful tv/dvd player from my friends who I did some work shifts for, as they were relocating.
Then my customers on the rural paper routes started giving me Christmas cards and tips, so I started to be able to feed the electic meter and get Christmas things.
I got conjunctivitis just to add to everything.
Then I was offered a local paper round that I can do on the blue bike, because I think the very early starts and distances and wear and tear may not be good for me and Florence, so a local round by bike may be easier.
I managed to see my Mum and a few old friends for a pre-Christmas visit although it was a bit rushed due to everything I needed to do before Christmas now that I had got a bit of money.
I am blessed that someone heard I was struggling and sent me paypal money just by having my email address. I didn't know people could do that! :)
Hint hint, feel free to test it out.
The Christmas tree got decorated on December 19th, much too late as far as I am concerned, I like a tree from the beginning of december, I like the lights and decorations.
I am very happy to have so many Christmas cards this year, coming out of the darkness and into the light again maybe? I wish I could think I can keep this life and continue to build but I live in fear of being destroyed, imprisoned and killed by the Church of England.
Despite everything, the Christmas atmosphere has been good, the delivery work and papers in the dark with the carols playing on the car CD player, the cards and the lights and the presents and the food in the end. And the tv and DVDs, and my foster-church.
I also went out for a lovely Christmas meal with my mates.
My friend rallied a bit in the week before Christmas and I knew she would be there on Christmas Day.
The weather turned bad just before Christmas. And the local party was dampened.
I had agreed to work on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, NewYears Eve and Day and was surprised that they also put me on the rota for all other days without a break.
On Christmas eve night things got too much, I was tired of the way I was being treated, and when they left me as the sole driver and tried to make me stay on and on and work after 11pm when I was due to stop and go to Midnight Mass, an argument broke out.
I was left very upset but I quit. And I am glad I did, I won't be exploited any more.
I was crying as I went to Mass, but I found the service comforting.
I got home at 2am on Christmas morning and slept peacefully into Christmas Day.
We had a lovely Christmas Day and my friend was happy, she enjoyed her last Christmas with all her family there, and they looked after me well and it was lovely. She made an effort to live to see it. Now she sleeps a lot and hasn't got long to live.
On Monday I went to spend the day with a disabled friend who is alone and without carers over Christmas, I cooked him a full Christmas dinner and we had a great day. So lucky me, I have had TWO Christmas Days! How greedy can you get?!
I have had a peaceful holiday of tv and DVDs, walks by the sea and quiet time here. I have been covering extra rounds for the paper shop though.
And I am already starting my next music course, I am self-taught at the moment but putting in for exams is easy. On Christmas Eve I got the results of the exam that the church disrupted, I passed. I also have my next wave of assignments for university to work on, and I am hoping the Church of England doesn't further disrupt my course.
It is hard to be optimistic about 2016, I am under too much strain from the Church of England and other areas and I need to find more work. However, all I can do is try to hold my head up and face the future bravely and fight for things to get better. As I hope I have done this year.
Happy New Year everyone! :):):) Blessings and prayers for a better year all round.