Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Monday, 31 December 2012

Happy New Year peeps,
I wish it was happy for me.
But judging how things are going downhill I think it will be more of the same.
Hi peeps,
It's New Year's Eve, and I wish it wasn't.

I have been walking with my stick, yesterday because my leg hurt and today because I am tired and need to poke people with my stick when I am not leaning on it.

I just looked up the pain on the questionnaire, apparently it could be: appendicitis, crohns disease, Intestinal obstruction, diverticulitis or IBS.

Well it probably is, so we will leave it at that.

haha.
morning peeps,
It is morning, but I am still asleep really.
I came back to the island yesterday evening and had a bath while my wet bedding dried, then I stayed up and wrote an email when I was really trying to write a letter.
Eventually I went to sleep, and woke up needing the loo early this morning.
I don't know what it is about hot houses indoors but when I need the loo in the night here I always end up with a swollen belly and feeling I need to dash to the loo even if there is not much wee.
I am sure you wanted to know that.

my breakfast has been two cups of tea so far, my insides are not happy and I don't want to upset them more by feeding them toast.
Any idea what really bad digestive pain with no vomiting or diahrrea is about?
It isn't wind. I suppose my insides are cranky from being homeless.

Did I ever have any hope?

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Humpf,
Hello peeps,
I am all clean and fluffy from having been in the bath and using some of the new toiletries, I am also a little bit itchy because indoors houses are a bit hot and dry and I get itchy.
I am back on the island, sitting at the kitchen table, on my own computer this time and typing usefully as I drink my tea.
I was having a useless and borning Sunday so I came over here with my wet bedding, and my bedding is now drying and my hair is clean again at last! Stoopid hair needs a wash every day or two!

Indoors makes me sleepy, because it is warm and people live in houses in order to go to sleep without being rained on or kicked, or have the wind nicking their blankets.

Haha.
Goodnight peepees.

Good morning peeps,

It's Sunday and I am sciving church, about time too!

Yesterday I went and rebagged my bedding as I was going to be away and the weather was bad.
A big rainstorm hit the town as I left and there was a perfect rainbow.

I went over to the  island, the connections were easy this time, sometimes they aren't.
And I wandered into my friends' house and was given a stocking and a cuppa.

The stocking was full of sweeties and toiletries and toys and Useful Things.
And my big present was a lantern! Just what I needed.

So we had supper and chatted and I fell asleep on the floor under my duvet and slept long and well and dreamed of some dear old homeless friends in one of my towns, it was like a reunion.

woke and we came back here, they have gone to church and I am in the cafe.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Well it is nearly new yar. Christmas day was ok, I wish the people I was with for Christmas Day had been feeling better and had a happier day themselves, but it was ok, Boxing day was a bit of a disaster, with my other friends messages and things, and me being ill. But this time last year was much worse for me really.
and just a few days to go before normality resumes.
And today I am going to go to my friends and they apparently have been looking after a stocking that Santa left for me and they half expected to have me there for Christmas.
I don't know why santa only left one stocking, I do have two feet.
Hello,
someone is madly reading the blog, so I thought I would say to you, I am not settled anywhere, I just spin and orbit round an area and eventually I break out of the orbit.

Today I went to the lunch and saw all the lovely people and had a nice lunch.
The lady who runs the lunch is an absolute gem and the people are salt of the earth.

Do you know what, I need to start doing more volunteer work in order to help myself cope. Especially as I want less dependency on churches.
Most homeless people are dependent on churches in some way, as churches run most outreach.
Hm, you know the saying 'a good friend, the best treasure'? maybe not, but a friend of mine gave me a little plate with that written on once, he had been seriously ill and his wife was disabled and I had done my best to help them and was relieved to see him finally recover.

I have been really sick with depression and I can't take tablets for it, or capsules, and I have wanted my friends and the world to go away, but I am lucky to have friends who understand depression.
Those friends who have stayed in contact and tried to be there for me through this are the best treasure.

The weather is still bad but I am going to wander over to the island later.
Hi peeps,

The miserable week drags on, three or four days until normality.
The depression is hanging on, I thought I lost it for Christmas but it returned when boxing day got messed up.

Yesterday I spent a while in the library and then I caught a train to another town, a rather big town with a unique atmosphere, I walked around and felt low and looked at the sea, the town was busy with sales shoppers.
Then I came back, had a cuppa, had a coke and went riding on the buses, I didn't want to but there was nowhere to go and the pub is too crowded at the weekend so I can't sit there with a cuppa.

Last night was howling gale force winds but not much rain. Sometimes the wind lifted my top blanket and threw it away but I was warm enough nonetheless and simply slept most of the night though it was a late night due to being a weekend.

This morning I woke and went to McD's and had the usual, then had a quick walk down to the church to pick up litter and then had a wash and then came here.

The wind is galeforce and the sky is dark.

Friday, 28 December 2012

why am I still getting fake statistics on my blog from America, don't you have lives?
Hello bloggypeeps,

I have nothing to tell you.


Haha.

Yesterday it rained a lot, today it rained a lot, thankfully the library and public transport are back to almost normal, so yesterday I sat in the library a lot. I also went shopping and got a clean dry blanket and a new toy, a polar bear.
Last night I went on the bus, the ferry and the train, and tried to deal with my friend refusing to phone me but sending me more nonsensical texts, so I told her to leave me alone.
Friends are great, but when they mess me about and waste my time then I am much happier just being alone. At the moment all I want is to be alone.

I had a few cuppas in the pub while I waited for the other pub and it's louts to call it a day, and then I went back to my sleeping place and managed to get warm and comfortable to sleep.

I slept but the rain and wind raged and howled outside and along the edge of my bedding pile, and I woke in the morning and managed to pack up and go quickly. Had my usual breakfast, had a wash and here I am.
The weather is unendingly wet.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Hi peeps,
I need to see a doctor really,

hm,
send me a million pounds, I am not going to struggle with NHS doctors as they have not helped much.
My insides hurt, and it is not because I have eaten a lot or anything.
It took the NHS doctors a few years to realise I had a bleeding ulcer an a hernia etc, even though I kept going to them and telling them blood and vomit. Humpf. I have paid for my own physiotherapy because otherwise I would be in a lot more difficulty than I am, waiting for months for an NHS appointment as I did.
And I am homeless.
And yet private treatment is more effective and I am treated better by private medical people.

ouch, I don't want to be examined.
but
ouch.

The NHS is great in a way, because I have lived in a country where every GP appointment cost £40 and dental treatment was too expensive to think about. But I am not getting much help from the NHS right now. I am paying to be assessed by the clinical psychologist in January.
Never mind food, I need medical help.

Morning peeples,

It is almost a normal day and who has been reading my blog so much? The statistics have gone wild, is someone bored?

Yesterday wasn't great because I ended up staying out and my insides were bad, I made it through the day by sitting in cafes and the pub with thankfully enough money for plenty of tea, and dashing to the loo frequently.
I didn't even have much Christmas food and goodies on Christmas Day, ony chocolate and a turkey dinner and some christmas pud which we saved until supper time.  And I didn't have any Christmas food at all yesterday.
Anyway, yesterday I was on charcoal tabs and IBS meds but it didn't make much difference, today is better but still not quite ok.
The weather yesterday was showery, and today the same, I still had to wait to go to sleep last night, and my bedding was a bit wet, so I didn't warm up well, but by 2am when I got up for the loo, the bedding was drier and I warmed up when I bedded back down and slept ok, the moon was so bright at 2am that I thought someone had put a light on.

This morning I went to McD's as usual, had half my walk as I am tired, and came here. It is like a normal day, what a relief, library open, trains and buses running, shops open.

I have a cup of takeaway tea, but this cafe doesn't realise that if there is no little hole in the lid, it creates a vaccuum when you try to drink the tea.

I saw a funny sight on the way back from my walk. Santa in a jeep. It was funny. An open topped jeep with imitation reindeer antlers on the roll bars, and a red nose on the bumper, and 'Santa' driving it, wearing dark glasses.
I am glad that there are other people out there who like a laugh.
I wore my pink Santa hat on Christmas eve and it amused a few people, being laughed at for clowning around is good, it lightens everyone's spirits.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Being homeless and ill on Boxing day is a bore.
My friends were meant to collect me but communication got fluffed and my friends didn't phone but kept sending messages that didn't come through so I had no idea what was going on, and my friend's messages dont always make sense anyway, so when I finally got them I had no idea what they meant. I wish people would phone when communication gos wrong, I am homeless, I don't have much credit in my phone. And a whole lot has been wasted today.
I am privilaged, I have never had an Irish reader of my blog before, welcome.

I feel very ill, my stomach exploded. I feel a bit flu-ey as well.

I just rebagged my bedding as bad weather is setting back in.

I am in the cafe, syphoning power on my netbook until I get told off, this lot never have told me off actually.

My friend was meant to pick me up but has sent me some indecipherable messages and doesn't seem to be anywhere near picking me up, never mind.
I don't want people and noise, I just want sleep.
Good morning peeps,

Guess where I am?
I am in McD's. With my usual breakfast.

My friend slept most of yesterday afternoon and into yesterday evening and she kept coughing and the sound was hurting me. So when she woke and asked what I wanted to do, I said I wanted to be released back into the wild. So she drove me back here.

I slept in a light blanket pile in the hope of bringing the inflammation down. But I woke up feeling a bit rubbish.
I think a combination of Christmas food and painkillers is not good, because you get constipation and all the food sticks inside you.

I am drinking my cuppa slowly but I don't feel much like eating the bagel, I feel more as if I will explode one way or the other.


Tuesday, 25 December 2012

suddenly the blog is being read like mad, I wonder who is reading it, I hope it isn't anyone who shouldn't be.
bah humbuggg!
If you are readin this then please send me nice goodies.

This is a really lazy day.
We had our turkey dinner and have been watching television and then my friend has been asleep, so I have been on the computer and been sorting my things out because all my new presents and things and my clean washing etc needed sorting to that it is all packed and easy to carry.
My friend is asleep still and I have Christmas music on quietly, her brother is just doing his own thing, watching television in his room, there is plenty of tea and goodies.
No, the new sequel for the snowman is a bad move.
In the original there was a family - a mother and father and their little boy in the countryside in the winter, in the new one there is a single mother with the boy but no explanation, living in London.
The old film was self explanatory and you could feel it, the new one had none of the innocence and solitude and emotion of the old one, it is just a sin off to make money for someone.

I used to watch the old film over and over again while the church were destroying me for the crime of being vulnerable, being abused and speaking up, The Snowman used to soothe me to sleep.
Hi,
I just walked the dog for a few hundred miles, it has shorter legs now and has gone to sleep and stopped knocking things over.

It was a lovely walk though, we walked over to the top of the hill and looked down at my homeleand, the bays and islands, the cliffs with rainclouds dark above them, the whole of my home, Sanctuary.
And I know I want to go back to walking the cliffs in a few days, I think I have to.

Here we are, watching the snowman and waiting for the turkkkeyy.
Hey how come old Shrek is Scottish eh?

I am going to ask to be released back to the wild tonight. I know people are meant to live indoors for Christmas but the heat and cigarette smoke are too much for me and I need some outdoors.
So I want a night in my porch, cold and alone, just how I like it, and then tomorrow I will be recaptured by the other lot and do some more indoorsing before returning to the wild again. The tomorrow's lot do not smoke and I can have all the windows open.

Hello peeps,
It is nearly 11am and we are just preparing breakfast,
housedwellers have strange things for breakfast at Christmas.
Tear and share bread and croissants and yoghurt.
We used to just have french toast and coffee :)

How do you housedwellers cope with heat indoors? don't you get poorly?

Good morning again my best peeps,

I overheated so I have taken 1000mg of ibruprophen in order to hopefully combat the inflammation before it gets too bad.
I am on my second cuppa and my friend has only just got up.
And she has given me some Sanctuary  toiletries, wshich are my deathly favourite! Ever since the Lady of the House gave me a Spa Sanctuary set one Christmas long ago.

I slept on the cushions by my friend's bed and dreamed all sorts of wierd and wonderful dreams and I just wonder where these silly dreams come from, they must be someone else's.

I also have chocolate and some more money, thank you.

Shall I amble to church now?
Good morning peeps,
It's Christmas, how odd, Happy Christmas!

I made the right choice by not going with my friends to mass, I enjoyed a peaceful mass here, I have just got back and am having a cuppa before I dive into my sleepy bag on some cushions.
Speak to you later in the morning you funny old peeps, good night.

Monday, 24 December 2012

half an hour to go until mass, I have had a thorough shower and things and am playing with the alpine advent calender while I wait. The Vicar of Dibley is on.

Hey you peeps,
I am on the sofa, there is chocolate and presents, but that is ok, this is what people do at Christmas, all routine.

We are watching something on television.

there is tea.

I am going to mass, but a change of plan means that I am not going with my friends who were due to pick me up, this is because I am recovering from a major depressive episode and if I go with my friends we will be at crowded church for up to 4 hours and I wont cope, they will already be there actually, so I am going to a shorter midnight mass here alone.

I am going to have a shower first, maybe I can try some of my new toiletries.

sorry about my anger over the last few days.

Hi peeps,
I am back in the cafe, I have done some shopping but mainly for toiletries and essentials, that shows I am anxious, I do anxiety shopping.
I wandered past my church and they borrowed me and reassured me and asked how I was feeling and I told them that I was a bit better than yesterday, so they put me to work, as they do, I was making little prayer stars and being an extra pair of hands as the church was decorated and prepared for Christmas.
Hey, the good forgiving and loving people make my heart cry.

It is raining, and I am drinkling tea and waiting for the phone call from my friend and when she collects me, Christmas begins.
nyaaaahhhh! beepbeep.

I need to go and get a clean spare set of clothes and my little duvet from the store hedge.
And my prezzies.

are you excited, peeps? Its really actually Christmas and that happens as rarely as once a year!

please pray for or hold in your thoughts all the homeless and the poor and struggling and grieving this Christmas.

This is my first Christmas since very long ago.
Anxiety was the main concern of the health professionals when assessing me, but the  tests say I am only moderately anxious.

On the personality test I am:

Very introverted - haha, I'm autistic.
Very Altruistic - yeah whatever
Average consciencious - whatever that means
Really High neurotic - haha, means I am nervous and emotional, who me? hehe.
Very High Openness to Experience - unusual for an aspie but I have led a life full of adventure

They recommend I see a psychologist if the personality traits are hurting my life, hehe, I will be seeing a psychologist, at last, soon, it's only taken nearly all my life to find one I can afford to see privately as the NHS offer nothing.

I am going for a walk with my radio on top volume in a minute, then I will go shopping.

Merry New Year.

Happy Christmas eve bloggypeeps,

I am sitting in a cafe, syphoning power for the netbook as there is no library.
It is damp, rainy.

Last night I couldn't go to church, so I walked and listened to my radio, which I found again!
I was crying a lot.
Eventually I got a bus and had a bus ride and then sat in the pub with a cuppa until late.

Went to sleep in the blanket pile as the rain and wind howled. Woke this morning and stumbled achingly into the morning, struggled to do my toilet and pack my bedding away and wandered into McD's for an orange juice and a bagel, and then came here and got a coffee and some wifi and power for the netbook.

Well it's Christmas eve and I am still deeply weary and lost but the depression so far this morning isn't overwhelming.
Last night I dreamed of my dad, that he had the second stroke while I was there. I think this dream stems from someone connected with the church having the same sort of stroke recently and still in a coma.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Just doing psychological tests,haha.

Depression, severe.
Psychopathy, not present
Bipolar disorder, possible mild symptoms but likely to be from depressive episode
schitzophrenia, not present
Asperger Syndrome/autism, very likely to be on the spectrum.
PTSD, likely to be present
ADD, moderate likely

haha.
The depression is 72 on the Goldbeg Scale, I am a mess at the moment, I keep bursting into tears, I don't want to lift my head, don't want to say hello to people, I want to curl up in a soft nest and sleep.

Ever since Friday afternoon there have been deeply drunk and silly people around, lots of them.
Friday evening was funny, I listened to a drunk lady telling a man how to cook fish, they had this conversation for more than half an hour, I never knew so much about fish cooking before.
The ferries were noisy yesterday.
Lots of hopelessly drunk people.

But as for me, I haven't just thrown the toys out of my pram, I threw myself out of my pram and then threw the pram out of the pram and no, I am not proud of it like my sister in law is when she goes mad, I am very sad and I don't know what to do.
I was destroyed by church, abuse and cover ups, and when I am like this I don't want my church and my friends, I want them to go far away because I am hurting so much.
Well it rained, yesterday, last night, it poured.
I went off wandering, keeping dry on public transport, bus, ferry, train, wandering until late and then returned to my porch and slept as the rain and wind howled. The top sleeping bag was soaked along the edge but I was dry and warm and slept a reasonable night, the flashbacks have eased a bit but the depression remains very serious indeed, it is affecting my judgement and relationships horribly.

I went to early communion and then had breakfast as I woke up late, had a wash and changed the undies, and returned to the other church but simply couldn't cope, someone gave me a present and card as they assumed I was alone on Christmas day, I need a huge bin for people's stupid assumptions, I really do, I am bombarded by assumptions at the moment.

I have started my Christmas shopping, haha.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Hello peeps,
I went to church but the sitters were arguing about who should be on duty as they had muddled the rota.

I went to the community group and enjoyed hot and cold drinks, won three raffle prizes - two toiletry things and one box of after 8 mints.
I had a n ice lunch and then someone invited me home for a bath, but their flat was a bit crowded, four people, not including me, two of whom had mental health problems and two of whom were ex-homeless and said that they 'were starting Christmas early' ie lots of alcohol and lots of cigarettes, so it was a bit uncomfortable for me. But I had a bath and then left.

I gave my chocolates to my friend to take home for Christmas day.
I tried to do some shopping but I still can't remember what to buy.
So here I am and the weather is still very wet.
I totally forgot, peeps,
In my continuing search for help, I seem to have found a clinical psychologist who specialises in Asperger Syndrome and trauma, private of course, but that is what DLA is for! :) I have provisionally got an appointment for January 9th, whenever that is.
Good morning peeps,
This is the last day that the library is open before Christmas, so the blog will probably go quiet after today.

Yesterday evening I went to the carol service. It wasn't too crowded and I just kind of fetched and carried for the ladies who were doing mulled wine and mince pies, and then the lady who had washed my thermals came in with clean thermals for me and a pot of spag. bol for my supper, it was still warm, but the churchwarden collared me and put me on sidesman's duties as the naught sidesmen hadn't arrived yet, so I sidesmanned until a sidesman or two turned up, but they wanted me to stay on duty and I wanted to eat my supper before it got cold, so when the final sidesman turned up I handed him the service sheets and wandered off to cheekily eat my supper.
I am not a mulled wine and mince pies person.

The service was ok and I sat peacefully alone at the back.

After that I sat in McDonalds and was outraged that their wifi wouldn't work.
Then I went off for a wander.
Down to Sanctuary's shore. I walked along in the dark and listened to the seabirds beeping and croaking in the dark, I walked past the old house, it was dark and silent among the brightly lit and decorated houses.

Then my stomach got upset and that wasn't good as there was no toilet nearby and I wasn't going to go to the toilet on the beach, so I walked back to the town and remembered a handy pub that I have sometimes sneaked into to use their loo, so I sneaked in, despite it being a Friday night, and I exploded in their loo.

Then I had a wait to get back to my town and I didn't want to walk.
Eventually I arrived back, and waited to see if I could get to my porch in peace, by about midnight I was tucked into my porch and even though rain wasn't forecast until 4am, it started raining.
I fell asleep and slept through the night, woke in the morning warm and comfortable but having flashbacks yet again.

I went to McD's for the usual breakfast and read the paper, did some shopping at the chemists, and briefly went in church and decided not to stay.
Here I am.

It is due to rain hard and relentlessly all day.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Hey peepies,
It is Friday afternoon and I have neither done shopping nor sorted out my possessions, and I need to get to the carol service in 2 hours or less to help.

This morning I was so depressed, and after more difficulties, which I knew I couldn't cope with, I went to church, where a number of people were doing various things, and I asked my friend if she could put me on the emergency short-term prayer list. She sat and talked to me and another nice person came and sat with us and they prayed for me.

After that I had a cup of tea and chatted with the church sitters and one of them took me home for some lunch and a bath.
Here I am, all clean and out of my thermals at last, I couldn't bring myself to take my thermals off or wash myself this morning and I was too hot.
The lady who let me have a bath has taken my thermals and odds and ends to wash.

Today is the only dry day that we get.
 Rain sets back in tomorrow.
The other problem at the moment is the return of the twitches and sharp pain.

Yesterday on the train, the pain in my leg was really bad, and it wasn't the usual pain, it was a very sharp pain, then I was getting sharp chest pain and sharp here and there pain, I don't know why, and now the nerves have started off twitching uncontrollably again.
I am worried that I might do something catastrophic like dropping a cup of tea!

morning peeps,

 Not feeling too good here. I understand how depression is an illness when it gets like this, it really shuts you down. I am still having bad flashbacks which cause despair and which are linked to the depression.

Last night I went to my friends house and slept in the conservatory, I sometimes need company when I am like this, and being alone and trying to sleep in my porch with the hooligans making a nuisance of themselves nearby is hell, but I am sure that the depression and flashbacks are being triggered by the amount of time I am spending indoors, and it only gets worse, not better, a vicious circle.

My friend dropped me of in town and I have been at the 'cafe at the centre of the world' where the whole world either meets and chats or walks past.

The depression is very bad, it refuses to be sat on, and though I still get up in the morning and go through the motions, it is hard to do things like washing and eating.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Hi peeps,
Last night was quite wet and windy and I thought I was going up to see the eyupmeducks first thing in the morning, so I went over to stay with my friends who are near the mainline, I had some supper and fell asleep on the rug, had the usual bad dreams and discomfort, the eyupmeducks don't actually want me now even though I had planned well in advance and they previously said they did and knew I was due to come, well I already know that 'friendship' is a small and flexible thing that isn't relevant and can end just like that, thankfully the deep hurts of before have led to me being immune to heartbreak, so today I went to London and did a bit of homeless outreach.

Can you imagine a homeless person doing outreach? haha. Well I am so well looked after that I can help others, so I try to.
Before I went I had the delightful task of folding my share of 500 Christmas service sheets and also collected a meal voucher and some gloves that someone had left for me.
London was wet and full of crowds and bright lights and I remembered vaguely and without sorrow, the old days of ice skating on the outdoor rinks, hot chocolate with cream, boat trips on the Thames and the London eye, companionship and laughter.

The bad weather has caused problems on the railway, so we were diverted and got back here a bit late.

I seem to have lost my radio. What a shame, it was my best thing ever.

And the flashbacks remain bad and are driving me to despair.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Long ago a couple were homeless
while everyone else had a place to be

Out in the cold in a basic shelter
while others celebrated reunion

there in the cold unwanted 
the most important thing in the world occured

in the inn was the joy of reunion
while out there was born the hope of reconciliation

Christmas started with homelessness and shame
and here I am, out in the cold

while everyone is looking forward to reunions
indoors in the inn, I am out in the stable

I am happy out in the stable with the Holy Family
what more do I need?

Do I need the feasting and the noise and laughter?
Do I need the 'place to be'?

Well, it would be nice, but more importantly
I need to be out here with the Saviour who died for me

At this time of year people avoid me,
because they think I want an invite home

They don't realise that I expect nothing
I am ok out here, I am not alone

At this time of year people maddeningly
try to send me to 'the pity lunch' on Christmas day

They don't realise that lunch with the other unwanted people
and then back out in the dark is not Christmas

It is just an affirmation that I am unloved
So I will stay out here peacefully with the Holy Family

In all their Christmas plans they forget the meaning
and so Jesus and I will stay out here in the cold

It is not so much the being unwanted
but more the way they think I expect to be wanted

It is more the way they avoid me
and try to send me to the pity lunch

as if that would ever in any way make up for being loved and belonging
in there in the Inn instead of out here in the dark

Hey, they say Jesus loves me
but His love doesn't show in the way the church destroyed me

Just as the pharisees tried to destroy Jesus and failed
Jesus knows what it is like to be homeless and poor

Jesus knows what it is like to be spat on and face contempt and trial
So Jesus, please stay out here with me in my anguish,
we can share a stable eh, and you can have my best sleeping bag
The Goldberg test confirms that I am suffering severe depression again.
This would be why I am throwing the toys out of my pram at the moment.
Hm, do I have a pram?
The flashbacks are either caused by the depression or causing the depression or both, but at the moment the flashbacks are unrelenting.
I am seeing if I can have a train trip to see the eyupmeducks.
I will not be able to go and see the martians until after Christmas. Sorry Martians, but I do hope to see you before the holidays are a distant memory.

Hi peeps,
Here I am at last.

Yesterday I went to the community group and enjoyed it as usual, and a lady there painted my fingernails in light pink with sparkles, it is the first time I have had painted nails for a long time.

after that I just wandered around, wasted time, and came to the library for a while, then I went to a school carols service and made some Christingles.

After that I went for a bus ride and was too tired to wait to bed down so I slept in my corner.
And had more strange dreams.
I dreamed I saw a young man called Ben, he was with his friends on a harbour wall and I looked at him and thought he wasn't my type, but then I ended up going for a picnic on the beach with him and we were holding hands.
I woke up. I don't know anyone called Ben.

I woke up into flashbacks and distress.
I went to McD's for my breakfast, then I had a walk round the recreation ground, the night had been mild and dry but heavy rain was forecast, so I went back and rebagged all my bedding to keep it dry.

Then I went to church for morning prayer, but the poor vicar was ill and the stupid bloke who turned up didn't want to say morning prayer with me because he is a tosser with ineffectual safeguarding policies shoved up his arse. Any policy that leaves vulnerable people excluded or humiliated is not Christian no matter what the purpose claims to be.
So I said morning prayer alone in the church.

After that I went to see if I could get a shower, and I could, so I showered away merrily and became clean, then someone made me a cuppa, then I returned to church for the end of communion but got a bit rattled when someone kept grabbing my arm and someone else tried to sit on my backpack and then claimed 'it would do no harm' when I yelped in protest, well it might not harm them, but sitting on my computer and a bag of toiletries in my bag is a recipe for disaster, but the wealthy middle aged simply have no idea, and I had to wrench my bag out from under her and she still didn't apologise and acted as if what she had done was perfectly ok, would you want someone sitting on your bag? would you want someone sitting on your house? your prized possessions?

It is raining and has been and will be all day.

Anyway, after coffee, a lady from church asked if she could take me to get a new pair of jeans as a Christmas present. I nervously allowed that, and she ended up getting me two pairs of jeans, one of which she will look after, four pairs of socks, two cotton long sleeved tops and a fleece top. So I am all smart.
And she took my dirty clothes to wash.

So here I am, I am just really enjoying the alpine advent calender that someone has sent me, along with an interactive e-card.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Good morning peeps,

Last night I hitched a lift back to town with my friends and helped them finish the church Christmas tree,
then I wandered off and had cups of tea in McD's and then the pub until bed time.
My cardboard had gone walkies.
I didn't sleep very well but I slept enough. And had strange dreams, mainly about meeting a dragon of a supervisor for a gardening job interview. what on earth?
Woke up needing a pee.
Stashed my bags and wandered dozily into McD's for my cuppa.

Then I had a walk around and ended up at the cafe and had a cuppa with my friend, the whole world wanders into that cafe for a chat in the morning.
Here I am. I am going to the community group soon.

Monday, 17 December 2012

The walk

The Walk started on Tuesday evening.
I was due to start on Friday originally but I saw how bad the forecast was and quickly brought the walk forward to start earlier.
So on Tuesday evening I started walking, enjoying the walk beside the sea and then inland, it wasn't too cold or too anything, and by bedtime I had reached a small town where I would stop for the night, I stopped and slept behind a garden tool bunker. seeing as I was walking, all I had with me by way of bedding was a mummy sleeping bag and a small duvet, which miraculously fitted into my backpack. I managed a light sleep and woke early and got going.
I got chocolate and water from the village shop before leaving the town and continuing along the coast and the cliffs, I fell once on the muddy path and ended up a bit muddy.
Long scenic walks up and down cliffs and hills and I arrived at two towns side by side and stopped for breakfast at one where the manager didn't mind my muddy state and was very kind and welcoming and got me a good bacon sandwich and cuppa at a good price.

And on I went, back up the cliffs and away from the sandy beaches, up and up, high up, and onwards on a long trek to the next town, where I stopped briefly to update everyone through a computer at the library, and then on nd on along the cliffs, on and on as night fell and on and on in the dark.

I bedded down in a church porch for a fairly warm and comfortable night, and set off again in the dark early morning.
This part of the walk was spectacular for scenery, and solitude, I walked for miles and saw no one, I had to walk round deep inlets and gorges where the cliffs had eroded, and eventually I came to a small shop up on the cliff road, and I got some chocolate and water and a can of coke, I needed those things badly.

On I went, on through sheep and past gorges and erosion in the cliffs. Then there was a car park and a viewpoint and toilets and boot showers. I stopped and had a wash and filled up with water and continued my walk, further up into the ever steeper cliffs.
Eventually I reached the next village, and stopped there for toilets and water again.
Then back up onto the hills and cliffs for a few more miles before I was back into civilisation.
I got my last few pounds out of the post office and had my first full meal, well it was a portion of chips, but it was hot and filling.
And then on I went, through woodland and caravan parks and on down into one of the bigger port towns and stopped for a hot drink and revelled in the fact that I was now on the 'home stretch' of the 70 mile walk.
It was now Thursday evening, and the torrential rain and galeforce winds forecast for Friday were looming and light rain had started.

I plodded on, another 10 miles to the bigger inland town and was lucky enough to have stickers for a tea in McD's, so I sat in there in the warmth and rested and emailed everyone.

There was nowhere to sleep except some 24 hour toilets, I had lost my radar key, so I put my cardboard on a toilet, locked myself into the cubicle and got into my sleeping bag, wrapped the duvet around and slept on a toilet. And I slept well. I must have been tired.
I woke in the early morning, feeling cozy and sleepy and wanting to doze but knowing it was important to get going as the bad weather was on it's way, the wind was already howling round the toilets.

I managed another cuppa at McD's but had no money for food.
Then I put the waterproof cover on the backpack, put my windproof coat on and zipped it up and started walking the last leg of the walk.

The bad weather did hit, oh yes, it did, and to make a long story short, I was soaked to the skin before long and very cold. Water was running down the path, deep and rapid, and my boots were soaked through, I kept my head down and just kept walking, just kept swimming, on and on, heavy with water.
I made it to the end of the walk, and was then worried that the stormy sea would mean that ferries weren't running, but ferries were running and I walked through the stormy waves down to the ferries and tried to wring my clothes out and wrap up in my duvet as I waited for the ferry. There was no way I could get dry but no one minded.
My friend met me on the other side of the water and rushed me home to get warm and dry, my clothes went in the wash and I was wrapped up in warm things and eating hot oats with sugar and drinking hot tea.
I stayed over at my friend's house and slept 12 hours, and woke on Saturday aching but able to walk.
And then we were off to celebrate Christmas and have a full Christmas dinner in town.

Good afternoon peeps,

I suppose I had better have a go at updating, starting with yesterday?

Well yesterday morning at 3.20am, I was woken by heavy rain that hadn't been forecast, I was sleeping out in my corner rather than the porch as it is safer out in the open on weekend nights.
I scrambled for the porch and tucked back down, and it stopped raining but I ended up awake for an hour and struggling with flashbacks and nightmares.
My nightmares included my death.

I woke again at 7am and got up and stashed my bedding, then I wandered into McD's for a bagel and a cuppa and then headed for church.
church was as good as usual and the vicar got me to light the advent candle and then she told everyone I had completed my sponsored walk.
After the service I stayed for some tea and to catch up with people coming in for the second service.
They will never get the hang of my churchgoing pattern, here for 8am and the other church for the main service.

I went to my other church and they had put it up on the big screen that I had completed my walk, and people were coming over to give sponsor money and to sign up if they hadn't already.
There is still a lot of money to collect in though, but it will be over £200 in total, my friend is counting it and looking after it for me.

I survived the service, and then my friend and I were both invited for lunch with a family from church, we had a nice soup and sandwich lunch with a pot of tea, and then we briefly sat and watched a film while two of the family decorated the tree and the dog got in the way.

Then I went with my friend to the Christingle service which was a joint service between my churches, my friend was one of the leaders and I helped with catering and anything that needed help with, there was tea and coffee and snacks and cakes and fruit squash, and I helped and cleaned and handed out service sheets and also found time to make my own Christingle.

Then we went back for tea with the same friends, we had a lovely roast meal, and then we all went back to church for a carol service.
After the carol service there was tea and nibbles, and then I went back with my friends and slept on the rug.

In the night I woke needing the loo and in distress, I went to the loo and managed to sleep again, I dreamed a lot of dreams, including dreaming that one of the dogs had got into the room with me, and I dreamed that I was boxing with professional boxers and I looked really silly but I kept winning but as I was preparing for the last fight I realised that I was aching all over from the walk and couldn't fight. I woke up and I was aching.

I was revived by tea and toast, and sat and continued my write up of the walk.
I have stayed here all day as I have no money to get home and the others are going back that way this evening to do something about the christmas tree.
I have been enjoying plenty of tea and also tucking up on the sofa, watching Christmas television.




Sunday, 16 December 2012

Hi peeps,
I have had a lovely day.
I will get up to date with updates tomorrow.


Saturday, 15 December 2012

Hi peeps,
yes I completed my walk.
wringing wet and cold to the bone, I staggered down to the ferry and was met by my friend the other side of the water and was revived by hot oats and tea and a hot shower while my clothes were washed and dried.
I slept for 12 hours and am now back to normal apart from aching all over, my disabilities didn't prevent the walk and no real harm seems to have come of it.
I have just enjoyed a great Christmas dinner and am now very tired again.
I will update you later peepypies.

Friday, 14 December 2012

morning' peeps,
I am sitting in McD's, oh well.
I am on my last legs of this ruddy walk and the weather is becoming ferocious, will I get home?
will the ferries be running?
Hm, I slept on a toilet last night.
It's true!

Peeps I will update you properly when I am alive again.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Hi Peeps,

I have walked a very long way,
what a silly thing for me to do on these types of legs and feets.
I am tired, I am going to continue walking and hope to reach a halfway mark by bedtime :/
Bad weather is due from the early hours of Friday morning onwards.
I will give you a better account of the walk when I have finished it, if I am not dead by then.

I started walking at 8pm last night and reached the town I was aiming for by 10.30.
I bedded down but couldn't really keep warm enough.
I dozed and woke through the night and got up at 6.40am and headed off, stopped at the shop for cold drinks and chocolate as there was no real food available.
And then I walked, and walked, fell once, walked through bog and got muddy feet and trousers, stopped eventually at a lovely cafe for a nice bacon roll and cup of tea!
And on I plodded, up some steeep cliffs!!!
The scenery is awesome and I am enjoying the peace and quiet and solitude and friendly comments from people I meet.
I just got very dehydrated walking down here, and so I have stocked up on drinks!
It is a lovely winter's day.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

ok peeps,
I am preparing to walk.
I don't know where my next library is apart from the one in the next town this evening.
Peeeps, wish me luck.

Today has been a lazy day, a holiday.
I have been and spent time with my friends at the community lunch and presents and cards were going round, so I need to think about getting some cards for people as I got a few cards and some gloves and socks as presents.

I enjoyed the lunch, and also enjoyed some time with my churchypeeps at the church that hadn't got the message about my sponsored walk, and they did get the message and demanded sponsor forms to write on :)
So the amount I am raising is increasing so I had better not let people down!

I also went to have a shower, and there were a load of people there who I hadn't met before and they wanted to know more about me and so I told them and they demanded to give me some money.
So I went shopping and bought a pair of jeans that are slightly short but are comfortable and a windproof jacket and some socks and some handwarmers and some kendal mint cake that I did mean to save for the walk but it was too tempting! :)

Here I am, I am about to start preparing for my trip.

The temperature didn't rise much above freezing today and the frost is still on the ground in some places.

Hi peeps,
well it is cold, it is still below freezing and it isn't going to rise much above freezing today.

Last night I waited and drank tea at the pub until late, hoping not to go on being disturbed.
Fat chance.

Eventually I bedded down but my blanket pile was a bit scrambled because of the nearby drunks.
So I didn't really sleep well, it is the first time I have not really been warm enough. And I had bad dreams and flashbacks.

woke this morning and wondered how I will survive tonight if I am going to the next town, I can't take all my bedding.

Today I am trying not to write.

I am having a day off.
to do what? maybe prepare for the walk.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Hi peeps,
It is cold but not too cold, well it is kind of going down to -2 but I am ok with that.

I am in the pub, having a cuppa.

I didn't spend all day in the library, I did some weeding in the church garden earlier.

I have been riding round on the buses, listening to my radio.
Tomorrow is a day off from writing the book, a day to relax and try to pull myself together.
Tomorrow evening I move down to the next town to prepare for my sponsored walk, I am starting it two days early because atrocious weather is forecast for the original start date.
Hello peeps,

I am ill so no writing :(
Tomorrow is a day off from the book as well.

Here is my christmas list:

1 Lantern - why? well it is a nice bright thing so I can see to light the stove in the dark.

1 iPod -cos I'm special.

1 christmas - I haven't got one booked yet.

some clothing vouchers or jeans that really fit, the zip has gone on these jeans and the seam at the belt has torn away all round one side.

some money towards private health assessment, because I am in a mess and the NHS is no help at all.

food

cups of tea and coffee

Hi Peeps,

Lest night after the party we drank some tea, and some more tea, and I read a book.
Then I went to sleep.

I must have slept through the night but woke in the early morning and went to the loo,
then I went back to sleep and got caught up in terror dreams, nightmares and half awake flashbacks, I had been having flashbacks most of yesterday.

Eventually I woke because my phone was buzzing.
I had some tea and toast and sorted out my backpack.

Then I headed back here.
It was a peaceful journey.
But I did get too hot yesterday and last night, all the woodburners in the house were on for the party. So I do feel ill.

I got back here, stashed some of my things, started some deliveries of christmas service times leaflets that the priest asked me to do, and then went to church, where they made me some coffee and one person shared their lunch with me.
They were waiting for the christmas tree to arrive.

I went back to delivering leaflets, and then went to get a cuppa from the burger van, he let me have a free cuppa today.

I am in the library but have been here for two hours without getting anything done. I feel too ill.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Hey peeps,
we just had the best christmas party ever.
The house is full of candles and decorations and the smell of smoke from
the wood burners.
I took people's coats like I used to and ate plenty of food,
and went for a sneaky walk up to the beach.
climbed the barricades in the dark and looked at the high tide and looked over to the island, where I will be going soon.
Everyone had a lovely time, and now we are tired and full.
Good morning peeps.
I am not on my own computer, and this one is steam powered.
very slow and odd.

Yesterday the library closed at 4pm and I went and got my bedding from the hedge and put it somewhere where I could go without being desturbed by drunken louts, but I forgot my bag with the roll mat and little duvet in it, which I missed later.

I went riding on the buses and went to the ferry port to try and get my tickets in advance, but the man at the teminal was rude and unhelpful so I made a complaint instead and didn't get my tickets.

I continued to ride around on the buses until late, and then I got a cuppa and went to my sleeping place. I sorely missed my duvet and my roll mat when I made my bedding pile up. But thankfully the temperature was around 5 degrees all night.
It was midnight when I got to sleep and I woke in the early hours having flashbacks.
I am still having flashbacks and t is very distressing.

I dozed for some hours and ended up getting up late, by the time I had bagged my bedding and worked out the time as my phone battery had gone flat, I was too late for 8am communion, and I went and sat at the back of church but the vicar had forgotten my sponsored walk anyway and didn't say anything.

I went to my other church and they collectively pledged more than £100 towards the walk.

The service was ok and we had tea and biscuits afterwards and then I came back here with my friends as they are doing a christmas party here this afternoon, we just took the dogs for a windy walk along the beach, the kite surfers are having a whale of a time.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Hi peeps,
There was a fatal error with the blog yesterday and I thought I was going to lose it,
and the blog.
I couldn't access the blog at all, it kept trying to put me in another account.
Thankfully my blog and I are reunited.

Last night I decided that being out on a Friday night with all the antisocial behaviour would be too much for me and I wanted my sponsor forms which my friend had, and so I phoned my friends and wandered over to their house, their house was beautifully decorated and one of my friends was doing cakes and so I got to lick the icing spoon.

I went to sleep on the rug and woke up covered in rug fluff and having terrors and needing the loo in th early hours, I went to the loo and slept again and got very attached to the rug in the morning and couldn't wake up.
In the end I crawled into the kitchen and was revived with tea, and then some toast.
Then I headed off back here with my sponsor forms.

I went into church and had a coffee but the sitters were dry sitters who want to talk about themselves to each other rather than talk to a homeless person.

I went to the community lunch and it was a good roast meal, it was quiet with a lot of people missing.
The lady told me that there would be a roast dinner next Saturday, but then I realised I would be away, walking.
This walk will be a great test of my ability and fitness, if I complete it then I will look at what paid work I can do. Technically this walk is impossible for me, and my leg is hurting even over short distances, but it is amazing what someone can do if they try.

I dont even feel well :( but this illness has no specific known cause, general malaise, why peeps? why?


Friday, 7 December 2012

Hi peeps,
I went for lunch and got a nice portion of chips, if that's a small portion then I think I would need a wheelbarrow for a large portion!
I think I need a new pillow, I am achey again and I can't breathe well, I have taken cold and flu tablets even though it isn't a cold or flu, but the tabltets help with congestion and headaches and tiredness.

I stopped to talk to the tea stall man. He said he will sponsor me for £10 if I do my walk, he says the temperature is forecast -15 for next week, well maybe I will do a sponsored sleigh ride instead.

No one is reading the blog, so there is no point in updating it.

Good morning peeps,

Last night I went riding on the buses and then had a cup of tea in the pub, I would actually rather go on the buses that go to crowded carol concerts.
Eventually I went to my sleeping place, but it is getting more disrupted with anti-social and disruptive behaviour round there, and I can't easily change my sleeping place.
But I managed to sleep and no one actually came into my sleeping area, though they had obviously been having a party nearby and left a lot of mess.
I woke in the morning warm and comfortable, it had been windy and raining when I bedded down and sometimes gusts of wind blew rain into my sleeping place, so I had wrapped my backpack up in plastic as it isn't very waterproof.
But in the morning the rain had stopped and it was not freezing either, just damp and a bit windy.
I went to McD's and got my usual breakfast and read the paper.
Then I went for a walk round the recreation ground, it was a nice walk with the radio on, but as I walked there were deep blue clouds approaching, snow clouds, but there were only a few wet flakes before the wind hurried the snow clouds away and I could see the snow falling over the sea, what a waste of snow!

so I wandered back into town and had a long shower.
And wandered aroound and came here, I dont want to write the book, it upsets me.

The sun is now shining but it is very windy.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

oh peeps, here comes the bad weather.

Peeps, please remember people who have nothing this Christmas.
Not me, I have God and I don't mind being out in the stable with the Holy Family while everyone else is in the Inn celebrating being reunited with their family.
But there are children who wont get presents this Christmas :( help them, pray for them.
Hi peeps,
I must sort my backpack out before that pot of fruit explodes.

Yesterday the library closed at 5pm and so I went to check what time the carol service was that evening, as that would keep me out of the cold.

I went to the church, which is a church that I am fond of because they were kind to me, but it isn't one of my churches, and to my surprise, when I went in, my vicar friend was there, she had been in a meeting with the other churchy people there, talking about all sorts of vicarly and churchly things no doubt.
Anyway, I got the time of the carol service and the Vicar stopped for a chat with me because I had wailed miserably to her by email earlier about the prejudiced views of a certain person, she knew who I meant and what I was talking about and she offered to sort things out a bit.
I always feel blessed when I talk to her.
We walked along from the church as I was going to my hedge and she was going home and lives along the way.

I was expecting to have to brew tea on my stove but it was pitch black up there as the lights were out and there were dodgy people from the pub hanging around.
So I walked down to check if my money was in early and to borrow the toilet from McD's.
To my astonishment £10 had strayed into my account, there is no way that £10 should be there and it worried me but I withdrew it and had a few cuppas in McD's and got an evening bus ticket and went riding on the buses and listening to my music, stopping to use the loo and put my thermals on.

Eventually I got tired and it got late, so I went to my sleeping place and tucked down, but some extremely loud drunks were shouting nearby and disturbing and frightening me, that pub has turned into a source of noise and trouble and it never used to be.
Eventually, eventually! they shut up and went, and I slept.

I woke in the morning feeling nice and warm and wondering how the forecast of well below freezing could have been true, but when I looked out of my blankets I saw the white carpet of frost on the ground.
I stashed my things, had a pee and went to McD's, the whole world was beautiful white and lovely and cold.

I had my brekky and then went shopping, seeing as my money was in, all of it, I have no idea where the £10 came from, do they do christmas bonuses?
I got socks and knickers and mouth wash and black sacks as it is going to rain later and I need to re-bag my bedding and things.

Then I went and had a wash and walked down to the physiotherapy clinic.
It was a beautiful walk in the cold frost, I had my radio on and I felt happy. I never thought I would feel happy again and it feels fragile but who knows?

Physio went well, he mauled my leg and foot a bit, told me to exercise my left knee as it is taking some of the strain for the right leg, and he ran the machine on my right leg and foot and told me to keep up the exercises and that my leg was now fit to be discharged from physio. Oh good.
I walked back alongside the water as the tide was starting to creep in.

I went up to my store hedge and had a thorough sort out and removed any rubbish or wet stuff, washed my pans and bowl and cup, threw all the rubbish away and rebagged everything to keep it dry in the fast-approaching bad weather.
Then I went and sat with the church sitters and had a coffee and then I came back here to try and write.



Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Hi Peeps,
My blog stats have gone mental, did I write something interesting?

Last night I plugged away at my book and when the library closed I went to help make up hampers for the poor and needy.
There were 55 hampers to make and I helped with the lists because some of the hampers get different things depending on who they are for, other people were making and decorating hamper boxes.

There was plenty of tea and a tin of chocolates and someone put some christmas music on, and so we took lists and gathered the goodies together for each hamper and packed hampers.
It all went well and once the hampers were nicely done up, the lady heated me some soup and I had a shower as well. and she gave me leftover snacks and odds and ends from hamper making and that is what I have had for my lunch, some odds and ends.

so then I wandered up to my church and my bible study group were doing something that I wasn't sure I should join in with, for personal reasons and so I sat outside and when they noticed me at the end they greeted me happily and fed me tea.
And I ended up going home with my friends, and having some supper and tea and sleeping on their rug.

I slept through the night but had dreams and terrors and difficulty breathing, I think there is dust in the rug and it made my breathing a bit difficult.

I dreamed that I was back where I lived when I was 12 years old, but I was there because I was telling my friend about it, I was telling my friend about it and yet I was there.
I was walking down the path and the sky was divided, half of the sky was clear blue and half was dark with storm clouds and there were lightning flashes, I told my friend that this was what had happened when I was 12, that the divide was where my brain stopped developing due to trauma when I was 12 years old.

I struggled to wake up, trapped in my sleep, until my friends who I was staying with reminded me that we had to go out soon.
I told them that their floor was too comfy and I struggled up, slightly dizzy and a bit hobbly.
I had some tea and toast and we set off back to church to take down the grotto that had been for the christmas fair.

We took the grotto down and then I wandered into my other church to drink coffee with everyone and then I went and had a long shower and a cuppa with the lady.

I went back to my church but had to deal with some very upsetting prejudice, someone calling an autistic boy mentally childish and when I said that wasn't very nice, she tried to say that I didn't have asperger syndrome because I am perfectly intelligent!
For goodness sake the rubbish we have to put up with from the ignorant wealthy middle class in a certain denomination! They don't have a clue!

Anyway that made me furious, and I had to calm down and talk to someone else. I was seething.

Eventually I came back here after raiding the store-hedge for odds and ends for lunch.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Hello peepys,

This morning when I came out of McD's I had an hour to wait until library time, my church friend was in the cafe and she offered to get me some tea, so she got some tea and got it free on her loyalty card, and they gave her some free toast as well, so I had tea and toast and was very happy and sat and chatted until library time.

well I wandered on with my writing, and felt sad because it is still painful.
Then I went to the community club and drank tea and then went to church and lit a candle and said hello to God and the church sitters and then I went back to the community lot for lunch, lunch tends to be burgers and hot dogs with soup, and there is plenty of tea and soft drinks.
The lady who runs the lunch was as kind as usual, she asked how I was getting on and told me that she was looking after her brother until he could go in a nursing home, but when he had, if I wanted a room, I could live with her.
She told me that she was abused and had lived on the streets and that is why she lived alone now and had no husband or partner, because the abuse had damaged her so much.
I felt sad about that because she is so kind, running the club and lunch for all of us.
I doubt I will live with her but it was kind of her to offer.
She gave me some chocolates to take away, there was a tin of chocolates going round and I did quite well out of them.

Then I came back here, but peeps, I feel all tired and snoozy, I don't know why, I slept ok last night.
Send me a big soft duvet and I will cuddle up somewhere and snooze like mad.
Good morning peeps,
I plugged on with my writing yesterday, I had gone to look for a cuppa and stopped at the food bank because they do hot drinks for clients, so they did me a cuppa and also a few bags of assorted food and toiletries and I sat and talked to them.

When the library closed I had a wander around and saw the light.

The light was in a church so I wandered nosily in and a few people were there doing adoration,
so I busily adored for a few minutes but was restless because I wanted hot tea, sorry God.
In the church hall a charity were busy wrapping presents for the poor and elderly, I was too scared to go in and ask if I could have a cuppa and help them, but a lady came out of church and asked if I was ok and I explained myself to her and she went in the church hall, then a head appeared round the door and asked if I would like to join them, the head had a body attached and she took me to the kitchen and I had many cups of tea and also helped to wrap parcels, and they went and got me some tins from the store and a carton of juice.

Then I wandered back to my sleeping place, early but not wanting to keep walking, so I bedded down and hoped for the best, and I was ok, no one disturbed me and I tucked in and snuggled down and slept.

I had terrible nightmares and some terrors while I was sleeping lightly as well.

I woke this morning and it had remained mild, I stashed my things, had a pee and went sticker hunting, I found enough stickers for a hot drink and here I am in McD's.


Monday, 3 December 2012

Humpf.
Hello peeps,
I don't want to write today, I want to sit here and grump at you.

Well last night it was too long to wait and so I went and tucked down early despite the risk,
I didn't actually sleep for some time but I lay there in my blankets in the porch while the rain poured down, no one disturbed me and I listened to my radio as I lay there.
I must have dropped off to sleep, and I slept through then night, I dreamed vaguely of my Dad, and it was comforting.
I found I was too warm as I drifted in and out of sleep in the night, and I pushed my balaclava off and pushed the sleeping bag off my head.
I woke in the morning and it was still raining, the radio had wandered off down the blanket pile and was still muttering quietly to itself.
I was in pain, I had overheated.

I got up and peed and stashed my bedding.
It was not my best morning, pouring with rain and no money to get a cuppa and shelter in McD's, and no stickers in the bins.
I went and sat outside church until the office staff arrived and let me get a mug of tea.

I went in church when my friend arrived and we started morning prayer as there was no sign of the Holy Vicarness, but the Vicar arrived part way through and we ended up talking and debating for ages.
Then I got some chocolate bars from the needy box because I had had no breakfast, so I had some chocolate, I needed more tea but the luch club had hijacked the kitchen.

I wandered over to see if I could get a shower but the secretay wasn't there. So I wandered up to the other church and they got me some tea and gave me leftover gingerbread biscuits and small chocolate bars from the fete.

I went back to see the church sitters and then went to see if I could get a shower, the secretary wasn't there but another lady was and she said she would stay while I had a shower, she introduced herself and said she had heard I would be happy to come and pack hampers tomorrow, oops! I had forgotten!
I said that I was happy to pack hampers and had forgotten it was tomorrow and had been going to ask the secretary when it was. The hampers are for poor and lonely people for Christmas.

I had a shower and then she made a cup of tea and she found me some odds and ends of snacks, which I am now eating. I will have a very upset stomach probably because my tummy is fussy as to what I eat.

I am here in the library and still in pain from overheating.


Sunday, 2 December 2012

Hi peeps,
Here is a very tired me.

On Friday night in the cold cold I went to catch a train.
I got the train and had a peaceful journey listening to the radio, and my friend was there to collect me.
we went to her house, her husband was away dog sitting.
So we had a cheese sandwich and a cuppa, I actually remembered to bring my own tea bags because they only have decaffinated and that can cause me a caffeine withdrawal problem.

we watched television and talked, and eventually it was late when we retired for the night.
I was worried that I would suffer pain and sickness for sleeping in a bed, as I often do, but I was out like a light and woke in the morning in no pain. My friend woke up but somehow I wandered back to bed and dozed, knowing I should really be up, eventually my friend knocked on the door and said we had half an hour.
But we set off in good time, it was very cold with thick frost everywhere.

We got to Chertsey and then to London, and I wasn't sick at all.
Once we got to London we had cups of tea, and then mass and then a lovely lunch of chicken soup and bread and little buffet foods and plenty of tea.
Then I went to work in the garden and fought the chauvenists off when they tried to interfere in my work, I did remember my hernia as I tried to weed the edges of the yard though but I got a lot done
There were too many noisy children and it made it all the more stressful.

During the talk, my friend and I made the advent wreath and put the candles in, and then we had Holy Hour and Evening prayer, then it was supper time, supper was stew and bread and salad and a choice of drinks, then there were cakes and chocolates.
I went with my friend to take an old lady home, but she left her walking stick in the car, my friend had to go and talk to the Priest because she was worried about something, and I was worried too when I found out what, not to do with me, but confidential.

anyway, we set off back, and dropped the old lady's stick off on the way.
we got to chertsey in good time, stopped to use the loo, and continued, we went back to my friend's house for a quick cuppa and then she dropped me off to catch the drunk train.
It was bitterly cold, well below freezing.

The train was crowded but I found a seat and wasn't disturbed, but I had to change trains halfway. There was a problem on the line and I ended up waiting for half an hour between 00:20am and 00:50am for the train while other people who were drunk illegally smoked or peed on the platform, there were no announcements about the delayed train, though they kept announcing a late train that terminated at that station, which is stupid, so people kept pressing the radio to ask the people where the train was and kept being told it was running late.

Eventually the train arrived and we thankfully scrambled out of the bitter cold and onto the train, the last thing I needed was to stand in the chill like that.
I went to the loo and put my thermal top on, and eventually we got to the station and I got a hot cuppa from my pal at the burger van.
Then I wandered up away from the drunks and into the cold dark silence and into my sleeping place, I tucked into my blankets and slept lightly, I wasn't cold once I was tucked in but I was very awake and alert, travelling on a busy train in the middle of the night makes me think it is day time.

I woke at 7am and stashed and had a pee, then I wandered into McD's and had a cuppa and bagel and then hurried to 8am communion, it was a good service today.
After that I had a cuppa and said hello to people and we all talked about the cold and the frost and things.

Then I went to my other church and survived morning worship and tea and coffee and comments about my article in the magazine.

Then I was at a loose end, thankfully there was a fair in town so my burger van that does cheap cuppas was about, which it isn't usually on a Sunday, so I had some cups of tea and tucked myself up in some bedding in a corner to read a book.
Eventually I had finished my book and it was now dark, so I started walking, it was cold but it grew warmer and started to rain, it is still raining and I came here to the pub when I was tired and aching from walkinng, it is three hours before I can bed down in peace and I am tired.
I am also out of money, I spent my last money on a cup of tea which I can't make last forever.

The flashbacks and distresses and bad memories have been really bad. And it doesn't help to be alone and at a loose end.