This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Monday, 30 April 2012

new readers? hm, I will update the blog, I promise, it has now been over a week since I made a proper entry.
also, I wonder why my stats go up every time I come to Chavtown?

Sunday, 29 April 2012

what is home like
to a broken heart
who long since stopped believing
in home

what is home like
to someone who came in
from years in the cold
and doesn't know home

what is home like
well it is like this
disbelief in a home

how can you believe
in real love and trust
when you have been out there all that time
how can you believe in home

can you imagine real food
the kind you only get in houses
family houses
in a home

can you imagine all the time
that has to be filled
with nice things
family things in a home

in a home there is more time
than when you are out there
scavanging for food
more gentle empty time in a home

Can you imagine playiong games
and studying
as if this was normal
it is normal in a home

Imagine someone bringing you a cuppa
caring about you
not making you feel small
never saying out loud that this is home

can you imagine being distracted
from the trauma and heartache
that left you on the streets
can you imagine coming home

Imagine lying warm and safe in your blankets
and hear the rain falling while you stay dry
no longer on the lookout
safe in home

It is hard to imagine
and hard to believe it might last
and puzzling
suddenly the streets have gone and you are home

Home is love and tolerance so great
that it heals your soul and gives you hope
Home is comfort when the memories make you whimper
home is people and not alone any more

Home is for now because there is no tomorrow yet
for the wanderer who lived in a hedge and dined from bins
home is clean and fed, rested and peaceful
most of all, Home is love and hope and peace
Did anyone reading the blog realise I have agrophobia? cos I didn't until very recently.
I was watching one of my fellow homeless people who is diagnosed with agrophobia and he acted in a way that I stop my self from acting, and the day before yesterday I described to my friend why I cannot just walk in the open spaces by their home, and I realised the distress of walking in town is the same thing.
well at least now I know what is going on.

Friday, 27 April 2012


I will catch up the blog, I just wanted to tell you the dream I had as I woke up this morning.

I dreamed I was back on the island, but with my family, my family was talking about going to the beach, my mum was trying to persuade some office blokes in suits to come to the beach, I said to my sister that I preferred being out on the sea, but she didn't understand (and in real life I would have been perfectly happy to go to the beach).
Anyway, the dream changed into a rainy saturday in sattelite town and I was cheered up because I knew no one would be sailing, then in my dream I was sleeping outside on the pavement and police cars and ambulances kept arriving and taking people away, I was worried that I was locked out of my friends' house and they were at work, so I tried to get in and found the door unlocked, but then I was back out in town and I knew I was asleep so I started telling myself to wake up, there were lots of little asien girls walking past and they kept staring as I tried to wake up, and I got trapped in nothingness where there was no one there and nothing, I knew I couldn't wake up and was trapped, then I thought I was dead so I shouted for my dad, and then I woke up.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Hello Bloggypeeps.

You know how I sometimes go offline for a few days if something goes wrong or if I am struggling.

Well that is what has happened.

I just decided to check in and tell you a memory that came back as I trawled the internet aimlessly, there was an article about people in Poland living in sewers.

In a town I was in last year there were immigrants living in the drains that ran under the town, I looked in the drains to see if I could live there, but I had better options.
The problem was that those drains flooded, and the immigrants must have got wet when that happened.

I will catch up with you soon.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Goodmorning Bloggypeeps,

My alarm pigeon didn't wake me up, I hadn't slept very well anyway and I tend to sleep deeper in the last few hours of the night at the moment.
I woke up at 8.15 and my friend is doing her homework as she is a teacher, teacher have too much unpaid overtime.

I am planning on going to confession this morning, in order to make the priest come out of the confession box looking 20 years older :)

It is another grey day.

Friday, 20 April 2012

I didn't go to watch football today, I am not in a fotball mood.
hardly anyone was able to plat today anyway. Tag had got his head stamped on in a fight and was sitting there moaning, there was no sign of cap, and not many others turned up.

I did have a nice long shower and some coffee.
Not a good day bloggypeeps, I am tired and sick and fractious and short of breath.

Still, I went to mass, and I have been looking for some smarter trousers for tomorrow and I got a neck chain for my talismans.
I wonder what is setting my asthma off at the moment :( I keep ending up winded.
morning bloggypeeps.
Google have messed up the layout again.

It poured with rain in the night and now it is clear.
I had trouble sleeping and then trouble waking again.

'Thump' woke me up, he forgot to yesterday.

I am sleepy

Thursday, 19 April 2012

well it was raining like mad and I came back to my friends' house in dire need of a nap, I napped and we had fish and chips and watched some television and now it is bed time.
IR had cancelled my appointment, so I went for a pointless walk round town.
Here I am being pointless.

Life is pointless.
In the last few days I was in chavtown and I went to get my saints medallions, several times I saw a blue flash of light.
I am not into spiritually thingies, but I looked up 'seeing flashes of blue light', and amazingly enough, the blue flash is supposed to stand for Archangel Michael, who's talisman I got on sunday, ready for my special day this Saturday.
last night, found a day ticket, caught the bus, chatted to my friends and went to sleep in their conservatory.

Couldn't sleep for ages, distressed.

Then slept, it started raining in the early hours and I slept lightly most of the time and heard the rain, dreamed I was having breakfast in McD's.

Woke up, dozed about for a while, my friends were getting ready for work, had a cuppa and came into town with one of my friends.

Went in church and nattered to Jesus, went to the doctor and got a referral for psychological assessment.
Went to McD's and used vouchers for breakfast.

Went to the daycentre and had a long hot shower and too much lunch.

It is pouring with rain, here I am typing away and waiting to see Inland revenue about my taxis :)

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

well that was a smoov and peaceful journey back to sattelite town.

I also managed to get something to eat and drink as I hurtled for the train, usually I am hungry and thirsty on the long journey, especially thirsty, but this time I had food, drink and sweeties, and generally I was left in peace and quiet in my corridor.

ran for the bus, started having trouble breathing, I was earlier as well. missed the bus, took my inhaler, went to soup kitchen, they had nice food parcels and hot spicy soup but no tea, roar was garbling about a book he has got for me, I got soup and food and wandered off, went to McD's where I am now and used the sticker card that gloomy gave me for a tea, here I am, it is still raining.

I have enough stickers of my own for another hot drink when I want it. I am going to catch the bus in a minute.
I went to the dentist and got antibiotics, then I went and had a cuppa with my gallery friend, I wish she wasn't so worried.
She asked if I can ever really sleep comfortably outdoors, I assured her that I can.

It is very wet cold weather.

Right, I am in my last hour in chavtown, it is back to sattelite town in an hour, that long stressful journey, hopefully no wierd men hanging around this time.

I have managed to get my paperwork and letters mainly done.

Went to heckle my verger friend.

She gave me a pile of presents and cards for me from my church, but I am not at all in a present and card mood so I politely asked to save those for later and put them with my backpack.

Had lunch with the church and ended up talking to my old friends from Boxing day, who I hadn't recognized at first, I really need to stop being so wary of people, I nearly tried to escape before they talked to me.

It is pouring with rain and I am dragging myself to the dentist shortly.

I made contact with an agency who may be able to help me, several in fact.
I went to the post office, as I walked past gloomy he muttered something about having something for me, it was a McD's card full of stickers, kind of him :)

Then I went to watch Cheerful's pitch while he went to the loo, and had a quick chat with him.

I went to the PO to find out about a form and to get some cash, then I went to the earring shop to talk about earrings, I really want some new ones, some little crosses maybe, but I couldn't find any to suit me.

It is raining as usual, cold and wet, thank You God!
I dreamed about being repeatedly attacked and bitten by snakes.

Then I woke up at 4am because I could hear a very noisy rat running around.

I felt very low, so I went on the internet and then fell asleep again.

slept again and dreamed I was working nightshifts in a well know hardware store and I was trying to find myself something to eat at breaktime - I have no idea where such dreams come from, sometimes I think they are someone else's life and dreams.

woke up late and very depressed.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Here I am in bed at the bed and breakfast, gloomily doing my paperwork, I hate paperwork.

Today has been cold sunshine and severe downpours.

Tomorrow evening I head back to sattelite town.

:( gloomy me :(

Oh well, I have got a new backpack, sorted my life into it, had a haircut, showered the hair cuttings away, done all my things and sorted life out. :)
I just went to have a cuppa with my friend at the gallery, she is gloomily considering closing down as she is struggling with the running costs :(
Too much shopping, too many sweets, not enough solid food, migraine triggers :/

I am seeing my sweet dentist tomorrow because this wisdom tooth site is troubling me.

must brush teef first.
Good morning bloggypeeps,
I am just daydreaming at the computer and being serenaded by Donovan.

Yesterday I didn't get my usual room as I didn't have quite enough money, so I got a little attic room, which was ok, nice views from the skylight and also the lovely sound of wind and rain on the roof.

I didn't sleep very well or deeply, I dozed, felt very depressed in the waking patches of the doze, and fell into a deeper sleep towards morning and overslept.

Got up, ambled into town, checked my account and my next lot of money had come through so I had my hair cut, it grows like a nightmare at the moment and is thick and awful within weeks, so now it is thinned, then I went looking for a new backpack, finally found one on the market, a tall backpack with a waist strap, I suppose that is what I need because the weight of the old one with it's worn and twisted straps is getting too much for me.

I also got some pain relief gel, I used to get it on prescription but I refuse to be dependent on the huge amounts of prescriptions that the old doctor used to give me.

what else do I need now? some smarter clothes for next weekend, and possibly a pop up tent. I talked to cheerful recently and he says that no matter where I put up a tent in sattelite town I will get moved on by the police, he did, but I have a feeling that I can camp in the woodland nearby without being spotted.

time for some underwear shopping!

underwear! ;)

Monday, 16 April 2012

Hello bloggypeeps, I have actually managed to get some work done today, managed to get back to my writing for the first time in many months.
The weather here has been changeable as usual, and just for the sake of more writing (yeah right), I am going back in the bed and breakfast tonight, well, I haven't quite got the hang of sleeping rough in two towns and I still don't have enough bedding here at the moment.

I saw V. earlier, he was being a sk8r boi, it suits him, he has a nice skateboard and I was tempted to ask him if I could borrow it.
I used to have a little skateboard that was meant to strengthen my leg and help me surf better.

Yesterday when I was most miserable I found scotty sitting in a corner watching football on his laptop, a friendly face, it cheered me up.

Do you remember not so long ago when this was the time of day when I dreaded, when you bloggypeeps were my lifeline and I used to have to prepare to go out into the cold and dark for a hungry wait for soup kitchen and fear of the protesters or some of the more horrible people out there?
When did things change?
How did they change?
Was it the lifeline of the blog that brought me back to life, or time the great healer, or my friends here, or all of the above, probably the extra benefit money helped as well.
morning bloggypeeps, I don't know about good.

Flashbacks, terrible, sadness overwhelming, and as for the dreams, they are the most heartbreaking.

I dreamed I was little again, that I was with my dad and siblings and dad was harshly teaching us, I escaped from the teaching group and walked home to Hometown, the sadness got worse and worse, all the shame and unfairness was very real, I ended up in one of the churches in hometown, but for some reason I kept ending up in the creche while the congregation were outside like a pack of scary wolves, the babies in the creche were nice and happy and playing cheerfully, but I was scared to go out of the creche.

Eventually I went out of the creche, someone was looking for my brother who was having an alcohol break during the church service, but I was meant to sing, but the song was too sad so I couldn't sing it, instead I walked away sad and ashamed.
I wanted to go to roughtown but I couldn't because of the shame, the priest who supported my abusers is the main priest in roughtown now in real life and I would never go there, I was too ashamed to go there in my dream as well, but my heart was breaking to be in County A and the shame and exclusion and rejection were washing over me.

Thankfully I woke up, but the dream really upset me.

Sunday, 15 April 2012
Good morning, I slept in the bed and breakfast with no physical illness.
Woke up with terrors and wrote them down!

I have just had a shower and done my hygeine and had breakfast, now I need to sort my backpack out.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Eventually it was time for the church course, the church course allayed all my doubts and fears, and the priest handed me a parcel containing new walking boots! and some fine quality hiking socks!

back out into the night, I had told my friends I was sleeping rough tonight as the course goes on until late and I was due to head back to chavtown in the morning, but tomorrow I have to stay around and see the priest, so my friends said I could come back to the conservatory for the night anyway.

So I conservatoried and woke up when 'Thump' landed on the roof and thundered up and down.

My friend cooked us fried breakfast and then I was off into town to see the priest.

Well it all went well.
And I was off on the train after a quick stop for tea at the other church, and there I was back in chavtown,
no-one is around in chavtown apart from my angry ex-friend, and I didn't see her face to face either.

I booked into the bed and breakfast and braved the rain for a walk around, no one is around today, so I watched the Grand National and other things.

my hair smells of chrism oil.

I am going to sleep soon.

my new boots are lovely.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Hello to all the new readers, the statistics have gone up again.
last night I dreamed that my former family were moving to France, every time I tried to be strong and help them I found that everything kept getting done before I got there, boxes were packed when I went to pack them, and things were on the ship when i was going to put them on the truck.
I went to the daycentre and had a shower and some brekky.

Eventually we went to play football.
I sat and watched with another of our guys who has also been advised not to play because of his leg.

It was cold sitting, occasionally the sun came out and warmed us.

The game was a bit shambolic with not enough players and some not playing well.

Then it was back to the daycentre for some lunch.

Then I pottered back here.
I got my poundland shopping and went to look at boots, the cheapest pairs were not available in my size :( the ones I am wearing will do for now but are not ideal.

I sheltered from the storms by going in church and the library.

Then I came to my friends' house again, they have this guy who comes round sometimes and I can't stand him, so I read my book in the conservatory and fell asleep.

I have named that pigeon who lands on the roof and thunders up and down 'thump', Thump woke me up this morning.

It is cloudy, I am off to the daycentre soon, I will watch my friends play football later. :(

Thursday, 12 April 2012

My money came through, I was able to walk to the post office near my friends' house, and then i got a day ticket to the daycentre.

I had a wash and some darn fine lunch at the daycentre, the staff were warning me about the council again.
I went into town and the lady at the chattery shop was also warning me about the council, grim, she was saying how horrible the lady is who I had to deal with.


Anyway, I tried to do my poundland shopping, but they only had one till open and the que was huge.

The weather is wet, so I came in here to work, and as usual the computers and wifi here are screwed up and it's impossible to get much done.
good morning peeps, I am computing quietly as my friends are still asleep, I have a cuppa.
I do not remember my dreams.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I went in church for a while and then my friends came to collect me, we had supper and watched a film or two.
It is bitter cold outside.
I never wrote a summary of Easter really.
Well it was the dullest and most uneasterlike time I have known.
I didn't attend any easter services.
Maybe that is what is best, maybe that is what God wanted.
Maybe it kept me from getting distressed.
some of the outreach were there as I was leaving the library so I stopped to talk to them, then I went to try to find my lunch.

I found no stickers, but I did find a box of chicken nuggets with 8 left, so I ate those, then I sat in church and read, then I went searching again, found enough for a cup of tea and an ice cream, I won another hot drink from the ice cream carton, so I am saving that for later.

Now I am in the library.
Yesterday after McD's and some bin raiding I went to sit in church for a minute.

Then I phoned the daycentre and wailed miserably to them about having no bus money and that my clothes stank and my other clothes and bedding were soaking wet and my boots were on their last legs and I was tripping over the soles.

The daycentre staff conferred and said they were so short staffed that they couldn't pick me up, they said they would ring me back.
They rang back and asked if I had the bus fare to get there and they would reimburse me, I told them I had no money at all.
They said they would ring me back.
They rang me back and said that if I hurried to the bus station one of the staff would be there also waiting for the bus and she would get me a day ticket.

I scuttled in the direction of the bus station, as I scuttled and old lady fell over accross the road and no one noticed, I sprinted on all my bad legs and helped her up as she seemed unable to get up at all, she was pouring blood from a cut on her head, she must have hit her head.
Physical contact is not my thing but I held her up and put a tissue to the head wound and held it there, someone else took the lady's other arm and I picked her bag up and we helped her to the medical centre, which happened to be her doctor's surgery, and mine, the tissue was soaked with blood and and soemone got another one, there was blood everywhere, including on me, I can understand why Doc Martin gets sick at the sight of blood now, I felt sick, we sat the lady down and medical staff came to help her, she was dizzy, I hope they got an ambulance and got her to A&E, I bet they did. Afterwards I thought maybe she was on aparin or warfarin which would explain why there was so much blood.
Anyway, I scuttled very fast to get to the bus station in time, the daycentre lady grabbed me and we leaped aboard the bus. I scrubbed the blood off me with handwash gel.

At the daycentre they gave me clean socks and pants and I put some of my things in the washing machine and had a shower, then I went to get my other wet and dirty clothes and sleeping bag and put them in the wash.
I had a good lunch and lots of tea and sat and read while my washing cooked and my netbook charged.
I ended up staying until closing time, then I went back into town with all my heavy washing, went to the chattery shop, they had a pair of men's leather boots in my size, not ideal but better than the stinking disintegrating ones that I was wearing, they let me have these on credit because they know me and they didn't think I could go on walking in the boots I was wearing.

So here I was, all clean and in new boots, happy bunny.

I was getting tired from lack of sleep though, bin raiding only turned up a hot drink.

Two homeless men came past and asked if I had any change, I politely said no, and as they went on one said to the other 'she's homeless too, didn't you see her looking in the bin?', he replied 'I thought she was putting something in it'.

I went in church and dozed off with my book, the younger Father came to lock up and said hello. Then I went bin raiding, these new boots are rigid leather, not ideal as the tendons in my leg don't move the foot properly and the soft webbing walking boots encourage the foot to move, while the rigid leather keep the foot rigid and so it hurts like hell.  I also cannot put my orthotics in these boots as they are too narrow, but at least my ankle is supported. And at least I am wearing strong waterproof footwear that is not tripping me up.

The temperature shot down to freezing very quickly and I put my thermal top on, I came across Roar sitting with the bullying female immigrant, Roar roared hello to me and I went to chat, he handed me a delicious ham sandwich and rattled on about football and badminton and golf and alcohol, oh, it's tuesday night, drink and drugs night for some people, including these two.
For me it was just nice to see a familiar face and have a natter, and a sandwich!

It was cold though and my legs wouldn't hold me, so I told Roar that I was going to sit in the bus station, he told me not to catch a bus by accident.

Soon it was soup kitchen time, and that was good, well, lots of hot tea is very welcome on a bitter cold night, I also had crisps and chocolate and some cheese and pickle sandwiches, I do not like pickle but there was no choice.

The signs of it being drugs night were very obvious in the usual suspects, including Roar. I could see that by the time late night outreach came there would be all kinds of uproar.

After soup kitchen I just had an hour's wait for the bus and then I went to my friends' house and kipped down in their conservatory.

I slept for 11 hours and dreamed lots of whacky dreams.
I dreamed that my friend who died last year was alive and determined to have a baby, she was lining up surrogate mothers and having HRT.
I also dreamed I was on a very long escalator and realised it had stopped, I felt sick looking down this static escalator and I walked down carefully and tried to step over the electrical wires which were jumbled everywhere on the floor.
The other dreams were jumbled but someone I used to know popped into my dreams to ask where I was, she does this a lot at the moment, I am not sure why. I told her I was at King's Lynn. Hehe. Always tell people you are at King's Lynn.

My friend gave me a lift into town, my bin raids have come to nothing so far and I have survived on coffee morning coffee and the remains of the chocolate I got from soup kitchen last night. Soup kitchen was busy last night or I would have got more food to save.

The abcess in my jaw has returned, I am hoping it will get bored and wander off, but I may need to wait till next week and see my dear sweet dentist lady so she can put antibiotic paste in it.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Good morning bloggypeeps,

I survived the night, just about.

It is 6.20am and I am in McD's using my free food and drink tokens on tea and sausage and egg muffinything.

Last night my shirt and hair got hightly wet from the rain, I went to my stashplace and collected a dry roll mat, a dry blanket and part-dry duvet, two dry fleeces and a scarf, and I had the balaclava and hat in my backpack.
I walked back through the pelting rain to the disabled loo, took my wet top off and hung it up, put the dry fleeces on, sat under the hand dryer and dried my hair, washed my socks in the sink and dried them under the dryer, rubbed deep heat cream ninto my legs and feet, took the insoles out of my boots and rolled deodorant onto them as I have no spray left, re-tied my laces,  put the bedding down put the hat scarf and balaclava on, and tucked down to rest and endure the night and pray not to be disturbed.

I drifted and dozed until 5am when footsteps nearby startled me, but no one tried the door (it has a dodgy lock as well).
Got up, had a quick wash and sort out.
Stepped outside into freezing cold air, still quite dark but the rain had been replaced by a clear sky and freezing cold, I put my fleece jacket on and returned my things to my stashplace, which badly needs sorting out, then it was time to walk up to McD's.

The objective of a bad night like last night is to be somewhere fairly sheltered and also safe between midnight and 5am, being able to keep warm is a bonus and sleep is unlikely.
Toilet floors are very hard to sleep on, and when everything is damp and you don't have much bedding and you are on alert you don't really sleep.
It is better to be somewhere and try to rest than to wander at night and risk police intervention or mugging or exhaustion and harm from getting soaked.
Mission accomplished, survived the night.

Now I need to get back on track with my survival, the weather is going to stay bad after some sunshinbe today.

Monday, 9 April 2012

I spent most of today bin raiding in bad weather and some time sitting in church reading my book.

The weather wont let up.

my bad leg is working so well that I took the bandage off, so my left leg has taken to locking and seizing up instead.

I am in McD's trying to stay out of the weather for as long as possible.
I have been sheltering in the bus station.

I didn't have a wash until 3pm today, how lazy.

I went to soup kitchen very hungry this evening, the odds and ends at McD's were barely filling.
At soup kitchen I got thick hot soup, sandwiches, crisps, biscuits and tea.
Well I slept, had a few hours of insomnia and terror in the early hours, dozed off again, it rained a lot during the night.
I dreamed a lot, dreamed that someone threw Patrick Giraffe at me and that I was with my angry cold family and they had competing televisions, dreamed someone was after one of them for a murder, wasn't surprised at all.
Woke up, tried to stay in bed as long as possible, had breakfast.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Oh well.

I went to church, not mass, evening service accross the road, endured 20 minutes and fled.

grumped my way to McD's and got a tea and an apple pie, the weather was turning bad.
Got a phonecall asking if I wanted my conservatory and if so they would collect me, they collected me and we went to yet another McD's and got supper from the drive through scive through.

We talked, and I ended up here and everyone is in bed, I am going back out into the wild tomorrow as they have family to stay, and they can drop me off in town, yay :)
Good evening from the scive-thru,

I managed the long trek into town, it is miles, literally.
The rain kept me cool, and there was dense enough woodland for a toilet stop.
When I got to town there was a choice of stop at church and join the service or go and use a voucher to get breakfast, I went and got breakfast, then I went bin raiding, so far Easter church has been ruined, so there was no point in struggling to go into a packed church.
I did go to one of the churches after the service and they arranged for me to have a shower. I needed a shower, I was hot and sweaty from walking.

At lunch I used some vouchers to get some snacks, then I just kept walking and checking bins, no Easter church, no easter egg, no easter roast meal, just walking and walking.

Thankfully soup kitchen was at 3.30, so I went there and was cheered up to be reunited with my homeless pals, Cap kept me company and ensured I got enough tea, and we spoke to a student who was doing a project on homelessness, he sketched pictures of all of us around the soup kitchen.

Then there was an oppotunity to go to a church for a service and a meal, but I couldn't cope with the church, so I walked up here and here I am on my little machine, used two vouchers for a tea and an apple pie.

I am on my way to mass in a minute, hm.
The weather remains bad, I do not know how I will get through tonight, but all that matters is the hot bright noisy house arrest is over.
Happy Easter!

My friends kindly let me sleep in the conservatory last night. 
I woke up this morning feeling so much better, now I just have to work out how I am going to walk to town from here.
Once I am in town I will stay there, I feel so trapped and isolated here, and I don't belong in a house, I buzz about and disrupt things because houses make me ill and unhappy, I am having really bad flashbacks and I feel worthless.
It keeps raining, but all I can think is that when I get to town I will do my bins and see my friends.
I need my way of life, no matter what everyone wants for me.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Hello bloggypeeps,

I ended up staying here at my friends house and watching films, we played scrabble and I read my book.

I felt more ill.

I ended up staying here but I had a very uncomfortable night, I was not well and by 3am I had to get up and get painkillers, then I rested on the sofa in one of my rough sleeping blankets, eventually I slept again and woke up groggily when my friends got up, we all had showers and finished our scrabble game from last night, and today has been spent sitting here too hot and seizing up and having flashbacks and being in pain. I am helpless, I cannot walk into town and I have no money left.
We have watched films and watched a disasterous Oxford and Cambridge boat race, well at least the right team won.

It is passover but I cannot get lamb and bitter herbs, I am stuck in the hothouse and helpless, I need my outdoors, but I am ill and if I go out I have miles to walk to town and two days of nowhere to go, it poured with rain all night and I don't have enough dry bedding to keep warm properly if I sleep rough.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Hello bloggypeeps,

I went to town to go to church and but I was not feeling well, I was nearly sick on the bus, I had a cuppa at church two and tried to go to church one, but church two was too crowded and I had lost my service times sheet for church one and they were not doing the normal midday service, my old friend came by and told me there was a service at 3pm, but I was feeling so ill and my other friend had told me to come home at 2pm and have some food - which means half a bank holiday has gone by without me being hungry or with nowhere to go.

I was going to have lunch with my friend and collect my blankets from their house and go back to my sleeping place as I felt so ill, but I have ended up staying here wrapped in a blanket and watching movies and reading a book. Three quarters of the bank holiday is gone, and my friends have gone to the supermarket so here I am, blogging. :)

It is bitter cold and cloudy outdoors.
Good Friday morning!

I feel sick.

I am alone in my friends' house, they have gone to work and to visit people, I am heading into town in a minute, the buses are running a sunday service, well yesterday they were hardly running at all :( cross face.

Last night we watched a movie but I was getting flashbacks, I went to sleep and woke up with terrors.

My head and neck are distinctly grumbling about being indoors, my face and throat and everything feel too dry and I feel ill, it is easier to be at someones house over bank holidays than be on the streets with everything closed, but it is upsetting my system a lot.

I feel terrible, sorry God for the angry things I said and did in reaction to being abused and hurt, amen.

I must head for church soon.
why the sudden interest in the blog? :p

God, I feel ill.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Yesterday the weather remained bad, I heckled my verger friend and had some food at the church, and at the daycentre,
raided the bins and didn't get much, got some new bedding to replace the wet bedding.

Tried to go to mass but couldn't.

V. says his rolex is worth 10.5 thousand now, and he says he is meeting with a stunning girl, hm.

Raffish was in the library as well and I said hi to him.

Well this is it, goodbye to chavtown again...until next week.

There was a very dodgy bloke on the train, he kept coming and hanging round near me until I asked him to go away or I would report him to the guard, and he did.

Pelting cold windy rain, I arrived in sattelite town and went to my friends' house.

Slept fairly peacefully.

Woke up at 5am with racing thoughts but not really terrors or flashbacks.  needed the loo.

got up at 7.45, had breakfast and headed for the daycentre, had more breakfast and a shower, went to have my leg x-rayed, then went to the church's easter cafe.
Went back to the daycentre to pick up some tins in case I go hungry over easter.

went to stash the tins, put my thermal top on because it is cold.

had some lunch - at 16.00, not good to leave it that late.

Here I am.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

The weather is absolutely terrible for sleeping out, so I have parked myself at the bed and breakfast again.
My room, my home from time to time, the place where I am left alone but I have terrible distresses. Comfortable and familiar, a place where I always intend to do some writng and sort out my blog but I don't get anything done.
There is limitless tea but I bring my own teabags as the teabags are daycentre style, horrible.

I am comfortable here out of the weather, though I dd just walk up the road to post a letter to my old pals at the mission, who I long ago stopped struggling to walk to see because it was too far and it wasn't working.
I like bad weather but I need sleep, more than ever I need sleep, I get so tired and so overwhelmed by the flashbacks.

I found several good monopoly stickers earlier, two hot drinks ones and a sugar donut one, all for the collection.

I am worried about that rough sleeping female I met the other morning, she is sleeping near one of my sleeping places and begging for change, not good for me.

Patrick is going to stay here in chavtown, it is a time of endings and uncertainty and here is where our hearts were.

Goodbye Giraf.
I have a funny memory of last week, the big guy who called me a bitch and slag the other week but who is now 'friends', he was at football and he was winding me up so I was punching him with one arm while trying to drink my water, he now professes to love me, what an odd world I live in! :)
V. has a rolex watch that cost him 7.5 thousand apparently.
Why would anyone spend such money on a watch?

Especially when he sometimes tells me he has no money.

The weather isn't as bad as forecast - yet.

I saw a duvet for sale for a few pounds, but when I returned with a few pounds it had gone, I should have had it saved, can duvets be confirmed?

I went to midday mass and stations of the cross, led by my friends.

I have also watched cheerful's pitch a few times for him, he gave me a pound coin in return for some loose change so I could put my backpack in a locker for the day. It is cheerful's birthday today.

Gloomy is totally blanking me, but he is a queer old chap so I will not worry too much.

I haven't tried the bins today really, I got a good freebie yesterday which I am saving for when I go back to sattelite town.

I went to the daycentre earlier and had a cuppa and a sandwich, they also gave me a black bag to waterproof my bedding.

Monday, 2 April 2012

The weather turned bad so I am in the bed and breakfast.

I need to stop being indoors because the distress is getting too much.
I went to have my therapy to help with walking.
It was very intensive, very.
And though things have got better, there is still work to do.
My right leg has been bad the last few days. The therapist says that I shouldn't play football at the moment, not until my leg is better.
He adjusted the orthotics again as well.

I have an x-ray when I return to sattelite town, and that will help work out what to do next.

I got a walking stick to help with the staggering and difficulty standing up when I have been sitting.

I went to the daycentre for a cuppa.

I am exhausted again now.
I went to church and enjoyed the procession and all the usuall stuff, invited a few friends to the special party in sattelite town later this month.

Then i had a quick lunch at the market and a major treasure hunt for McD's monoploy stickers, I did well out of that hunt but it wore my legs out.
So I hobbled up to my friends' and had supper with them, then we watched TV and talked and then it was bath and bed time.

I dreamed about an enthusiastic autistic boy who was trying to help out in a restaurant and struggling, but then he overcame autism with neurotypical by realising someone's toast was too dark and offered them some better toast, then he was on his break and he went to play on a tyre swing by a river, then I became him or he became me and I was on an island in the river, then the water was rising rapidly and me and my sister were on this rapidly flooding island and the boat was washed away while people on the banks screamed and tried to get help, I leapt after the boat holding onto my sister and managed to miss the boat and get us to the bank instead, and there we lay, exhausted. I woke up and felt sad.
5.30am, went to the toilet and then tucked back in the comfy bed, dreamed again, dreamed of my twin brothers, that they were making life hell for me, as they used to, but one of them I kept kicking, hitting, knocking down, while the other was untouchable and kept being very rude and nasty.

I woke up with the terrors, not because of the dream, just because.

I had breakfast with my friends, and a good natter, they don't think they are going to get to the party.

Me and my friend had a funny conversation yesterday, about angels, she said she thought I was an angel when she met me, haha. We always have at least one very valuable conversation when we meet.

I just had a raid of the bins but there is nothing, well, I had an epic haul yesterday so that is ok, enough to tide me over easter. I stopped to chat to cheerful and mind his pitch, he is glad that I am going to sell the big issue, and I thanked him for reminding me to collect monopoly stickers.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

good morning bloggypeeps.
someone here in chavtown is reading my blog.
I slept in the bed and breakfast but the dreams of church and all the terrible and unjust things overwhelmed me.