This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

I should be asleep but I have the terrors and distresses from being indoors and I am too tense and upset to sleep.

I am here to startle my late night blog reader but they haven't turned up on schedule, 23.00pm on the dot.
I went to mditation and tea afterwards and had a good chat with people, then I was offered a bed for the night, and I accepted.
So here I am on someone else's computer, working away.
It is well below freezing outside, I would still be warm enough in my blankets at the summrhouse but this is a good opportunity, I think the milk I have left in the summerhouse will keep ok, and the lady who owns the summerhouse is away at the moment, so she won't miss me.
I hope Patrick will be ok on his own up there.
Well it was a late start for me this morning, and I couldn't settle down to going to the library even when I got to town, I had a sandwich and went to see if I could have a shower at church, to my surprise church was locked and no-one there, it is a day when church is open, so I was surprised, the other church also normally open today was closed.

So I wandered around and came back, a group of shivering people were gathered outside the church hall, baffled at being locked out when their class was due to start and the hall is normally open. I sent a text to the warden and got a reply saying someone was on the way, just as someone arrived with a key.
I didn't stay and ask for a shower, I went off shopping, I got myself something called a shewee, which most people seem to have heard of, which will make my aim better hopefully :) Then I went into an opticians as I passed by, I went to an optician yesterday and they told me it was a month's wait, I went into this other optician today and they tested my eyes there and then, on the spot.
I hate eye tests because of my comprehension and processing speeds being slow, trying to say which is clearer red or green? and which dots are brighter and which lense makes things clearer is a nightmare.

Anyway, I ended up with a resonable size NHS voucher because my right eye is significantly worse, (at the last eye test my left eye had improved and right eye worsened), but I have been clouted more on my right side so I blame that, but anyway it ensured I got some better glasses and they took the time and trouble to help me find a better looking pair that suited me and would be thinner and lighter and with free anti-glare, anti-scratch coating, which will save on headaches and eye-strain, and I will have new glasses in a week.

I remember the man in sanctuary going on about my cheap NHS glasses slipping down my nose, but he was just rude, but it is true that the glasses I have now are ugly and I look silly, it will be nice to have smaller, lighter ones.

Anyway, then I went to the church and had my shower at last! fancy going all morning and part of the afternoon without a wash!

Here I am, blogging for a restless hour before meditation and tea.

The weather was cold this morning with deep clouds but warmer than last night, now it is cold and clear, beautiful.
Nothing remarkable to say, I went to sleep last night, warm and kind of tense, I slept into a stupor that I struggled to wake from  but there were no significant dreams.

I am here, having struggled to sort myself out and get up and do my meds, I am in McD's accross the road from the summerhouse and that is as far as I have got.

I am going to go into town and beg a shower in a minute.

Monday, 30 January 2012

I ended up staying at the library until closing time and catching what I was told was the 'slow bus' up to the summerhouse place, the slow bus was not a lot slower than the fast bus, and didn't cost too much more, I got some milk before I caught the bus so I could put the kettle on straight away in the summerhouse.

The air is freezing cold but it is ominously cloudy, with the street lights bouncing off the clouds, and there is frost on the ground.

I got a cuppa and crossed the road to McD's, I found a load of stickers on a soggy card outside, I will dry the card and see if I can salvage the stickers.

It has been emotional ups and downs in that I am struggling with the medcal services and overload of meds while I wait for appointments, I don't know the x-ray results, and I am also not in complete agreement with the charity over something.

I am tired and I will go and sleep in a minute, I will be more than warm enough in the summerhouse with the heater warming it before bed time and plenty of warm bedding, I kind of dread being up here in the dark alone but I also value the dark solitude for my sleep, and the knowledge that no one will have the police on me and move me on.

goodnight bloggypeople, God bless.
I have started the new blog, the A-Z of homelessness, and I am as nervous about this as I was about both the other blogs:
I am tweaking the blog settings to try to make it easier to read, I have adjusted the posts per page, so you will be able to read more posts per page, which will make the statistics go down a bit.

I like watching the statistics, it makes me feel less lonely somehow :)

Nothing happening here, I had a cuppa and it is still cold and wet outside and I am rather looking forward to my quiet summerhouse and the evening.
It was freezing yesterday evening, I went to get my big new fleece and scarf from where I stashed them in the shed, and I managed to make contact with my friend and I will be going round to her house later for supper and to stay over.
I just have to survive until then.

I went to the samaritans and had a good natter and a cup of tea, then it was time to walk to my friend's house, when I got there she was finishing the preparations for supper, supper was Italian style, it was soup and ciabatta and pasta salad, very nice. Her neighbour was there and we watched the latest in the midwife series, I like the midwife series, it is a pity I miss so much of it.

Then it was bath and bed time and the bath warmed me up because I was still cold in my bones from the previous night.

My friend always gives me books to read, but as usual I fall into bed and into sleep, in the early morning the usual nightmare stupor was replaced by a pleasant comforting stupor with soft fluffy dreams instead of distress, and even in my sleep I was surprised and expecting distress, this stupor is hard to wake from and always worries me, because I cannot wake up normally from it, it grips me and is a potential danger when I am sleeping rough.
My friend knocked on the door but I only slightly woke, and nearly slept again, a dream about my lovely ex-boyfriend Chris appeared but then my friend came back in with tea, and I revived and drank tea and woke up for breakfast.
I hope Chris is ok, he was so very shy and so brave to ask me out, he was a genuine man who had been very hurt in a previous relationship and it eternally hurts me that he asked me out during the nightmare of the church battle and he got hurt. :(

Anyway, I had egg and toast for breakfast and my friend had a man coming round to fix her shelves, so I headed off into town, she has invited me back in two weeks time, this is a fairly routine thing at the moment.

I went into town and looked at the internet and blog. I went to the church because I got a bit stressed, my bad joke friend was there but I was not in the mood for bad jokes, but he seemed to understand, we had a cuppa and he actually told me something useful, he told me that headway help with mental trauma, I am going to look that up.
Then I went and stressfully picked up prescriptions, I wish I could stop being stressful.

The weather is cold with wintery drizzle.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

V. just came to say hello, he says he has been working and that he was out all night in the cold. I haven't seen him since he went down to the protest site saying he was givng someone a warning and a fine and told me he was a special constable and that he had no money for food and was having to sell a skateboard deck to get food and a new fridge?hm.

It is freezing and I haven't been able to contact my friend who I was going to stay with tonight.

Here is the catchup for the last few days

It was a cold clear evening on Thursday, I went back to the summerhouse area and went to the loo at the travel terminal, then I walked in the clear cold darkness, I wasn’t cold,  I found the cold refreshing, helping to calm me and cool me down. I stopped at the shop for a pint of milk and wondered why I had walked so far when it hurts me, but I want to be able to walk, to stop being crippled.

I sat on the floor of the summerhouse in the cold dark, knowing that if the lady came round she would tell me to put the heater on, because she doesn’t know about people who need cold sometimes.

I bedded down and dreamed about a trial, a trial between the church and me and amazingly I was actually winning.
But then the nightmare came, I dreamed that the summerhouse was being attacked by aggressive people and dogs, there was no escape as they launched an attack, then they backed off and I escaped the summerhouse and ran and jumped over garden sheds and fences to safety.
I woke up in a hypersomnia stupour, woke up late and sleepy, not good, I need to get going, and even taking my meds seems to take forever, I didn’t have a proper wash, I just got going, and arrived in town later than I wanted, I picked up a repeat prescription from the surgery and didn’t stop to put it in at the chemists, I headed to the station instead as I wanted to get going.
I got to the station and got the first available train. The journey was ok, and I had my wash in the train toilet and spent most of the journey with my head out ther train window, at one point I went to the rescue of a young woman who was physically disabled and was struggling with a faulty automatic door, she was really nice and seemed to understand my need to live in the corridor with my head out the window.
As soon as the train got to the edge of London I hopped off and onto a tube train and was away to Oxford street.
I got off at Oxford street and went straight to the hairdressers, I got an appointment by the skin of my teeth and it wasn’t until 3.30, so  had a lot of waiting to do in a part of London where there is nothing to do.
In case it sounds posh, I don’t go to a hairdresser in Oxford street, I go to the haidressing school in Soho and they used to charge nothing but now they ask a £3 donation.
Anyway, I went and had a pot of tea and a wander around, and went to see if my friend was there, but she is away because her mum is in hospital, what a disappointment, and then I went back for my haircut, a new and nervous trainee did my hair, it took an hour and a quarter but generally it looks ok. So at 4.45 I was facing the tube journey from Oxford circus to waterloo, I got through Oxford circus ok and caught an uncrowded Bakerloo tube and got to waterloo without any stress, wearing my London head again, and believe it or not London is easier to move about in than the crowded town that I am spending the winter in.
I walk outside waterloo station and wonder if my freind will be sitting there, no, it is too early and it is winter, he will be somewhere warm rather than sitting there like he used to.
I got a ticket and caught my next train, On it rattled through the dusk and dark, until we stopped at a familiar town that had a star shining above it, how I wished I could just get off the train here, but that would make life unbearable and put me at risk from the brutal untruthful and vicious diocese and it wouldn’t be the happy ever after that I dreamed of.
So I stay on the train and it goes on down to sanctuary and I get off and start thinking about where to sleep in the cold night, I find somewhere to stay and manage to sleep comfortably despite the distress that continues to overwhelm me, I have a feeling that one of the medications I am on is making the distress and bad memories harder to control, though nothing will take them away until I am free of the condemnation of the church.
I shower and sort myself out and walk into town, and I see a load of people working in my favourite churchyard, so I go over and the vicar recognizes me and decides that it is coffee time for all the churchyard clearup volunteers.
The vicar asks how I have been and I tell her I have been fine, she makes me a cuppa and I ask if I can join in the fun, so I end up sweeping and clearing and in the end I take tree roots out and do heavy work, but this makes me painful and sick.
There is a good soup lunch with bread and cakes and the vicar gives me the leftovers to take.
Then I head for another church that looks after a stash for me, some of my stash has got wet and mouldy in it’s place, but they have covered the rest with a compost bag, I take toiletries and blankets and put the rest in the dustbins and leave them a note to say I have taken my stash.
Then I head for the trains to go back to the town where I am spending the winter, I am reluctant but I have come all this way driven by distress and dissociation and  do not have my stove or enough bedding with me, even getting back to the winter town or my summerhouse will be hard.
We are just arriving back into London. I feel sick, I was sick of a lot of my lunch.

Someone who read my blog the other day said they didn’t understand it, I was left feeling utterly useless and deflated, they said it wasn’t in chronological order, but it is, you just have to start from the beginning with either of the blogs in order to understand them.
In London I got off the train, wandered about a bit and got a cup of tea at McD’s, then I crossed the thames and got the bus to the station to catch my train back to my winter town.
I was lucky, I got to the station expecting to get the quarter-past train, and followed the announcements to the platform, when I got there there was a train and a guard standing at the end directing people in the door at the end, which I thought was a bit strange for a train that didn’t leave for 10 minutes, as soon as I got on the train it started moving and I was alarmed, I went and found the guard and asked if I had got the wrong train, I hadn’t, I had just got a faster train than the one that I had expected to get.
The train rocketed along, it will still be late evening before I get to my town. But I enjoyed hanging my head out the window.
Some horrible selfish person decided that the no-smoking signs were a joke though and kept coming out to smoke in the corridor so I was choking on his smoke and having trouble breathing, I went looking for a guard but only found the canteen lady who said she would tell the guard, I doubt that she did, but I moved along to a smoke free part of the corridor.
It was freezing cold with the train window open, the temparature has gone down sharply, it will be freezing tonight.
We arrived in the town at last, I walked up to the church shed to leave my bags there for a while, then I was being followed by the creepy man from soup kitchen so I hid and waited till he walked past me and stopped in confusion and then I told him what I thought of him following me.
I went back into town and met one of my Big Issue friends, the one who wanted to go out with me, I told him that the creepy man had been following me, and he said he would keep an eye on things, we walked down to soup kitchen but it was too early, so I had a walk around the bins, I am not going to be able to get to the summerhouse tonight as it is too late for buses, so I am going to beg blankets off soup kitchen.
I walk up to where soup kitchen are preparing, and they give me a tatty sleeping bag with a broken zip.
When soup kitchen is set up I get tea and sandwiches, and then they bring jacket potatos out. Yummy. They find me some more blankets and a hat, scarf and gloves, things I only wear at night normally.
I sit with my Big Issue friend and another girl who is his friend, we sit near soup kitchen on some blankets as when I go over to soup kitchen the creep follows me from one side to another and back again. The soup kitchen people are very nice and bring things over to us.
Eventually my friend walks me down to the end of the road to ensure that I am not followed, and I head to my sleeping place alone.
I try my best to tuck down and keep warm in the limited bedding that I have with me, but it is a freezing night and in all I get about four or five hours of sleep.
I stay in the blankets and doze for some time after I wake up though, but not really in a stupor and terrors, just tired.
I get up, my feet are cold for the only time this winter, and the rest of me is not too warm either. There is wet cold sleet falling.
I go down to the warm toilets and have a wash and do my meds and change out of the smelly thermals that I put on last night in order to try and keep warm, and then I head for church and drink three cups of tea as I wait for the service, and I eat a saved sandwich from soup kitchen.
Then it is time for the service, which is good, this church doesn’t hurt me.
Then there is more tea afterwards, and biscuits, and now I am here.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

I went back to the summerhouse last night and went on the computer briefly, there is no wireless there so I can only type documents and letters and play solitaire.

I fell asleep and woke in the morning late and distressed, in some ways the summerhouse is too indoorsy and is triggering distresses. It was raining outside, the temperature dropped a lot last night but it is raining, the rain continued today and then cleared into a cold clear day.

I had a wet wipe wash in the summerhouse and did my meds, everything seemed to take forever, I used up the milk making tea and then I went to catch the bus.

I got to town and went to the church, I didn't expect to get a shower there today but I did, then I went to the hostel where the thug lives and dropped a note to his support worker to say he hadn't been any more trouble, I was asked to let the support worker know after two weeks, so I have.

I went up to the other church and went to where my dustbin of things was, I sorted through the things and rid myself of anything that was no longer of use and put the rest into a bag to take to the shed at the other church.

Then I went shopping, I got socks and underwear and what I thought was a pair of thermal leggings so that the smelly ones that I am wearing can be washed, but I found that I had accidentally got a thermal top so I took it back and got a refund. I have been too warm so I took my thermals off today.

I went to get new trousers because the old ones were falling apart from the seams already, the new ones won't turn me blue from dye as they are lighter in colour.

So now I am kitted out in clean clothes and not smelly, I am even wearing the other fleece top that I was given that has been stored in the dustbin for so long, it is new and clean and rose pink coloured.

I went back to the shed and sorted things out there, I have too many blankets now I am in the summerhouse, and even when I wasn't I was very warmly swaddled in blankets at night.

I got rid of anything of no value and sorted out the blankets I wouldn't keep, I put them in a bag and left them on the daycentre's doorstep with a note.
I put the other blankets aside to take home this evening, and put all my dirty clothes together in one bag for the time I can actually get them washed.

A drug addict came up to me earlier and said he was starving and could I spare him some change for food and drinks as he was a rough sleeper, I told him I was a rough sleeper too and would he like my daycentre food vouchers (for the daycentre that I don't use), he asked if they were for the daycentre that I did use, and said he had vouchers for them, he moved on before I could ask why he didn't go there with his vouchers and get food and drink then?! As that daycentre was still open.

Here I am, but not for much longer, I am going to head back soon, I am not really comfortable with my new life but it has the advantage that I can relax earlier in the evening instead of wandering about, and I have tea making facilities and music and a computer and a heater, though I have a feeling that the warmth of the summerhouse is a partial trigger to the distress.

But I do like wandering about in the dark up there, and I do like very much being out of the town centre.

Tomorrow may be the big day when I go to London to see my friends, and onwards.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I was a bit aimless in the library, I read a book and didn't settle down to work.

I got the last bus back 'home' and I am still sitting in the travel terminus McD's and having some supper and a blog.
 should go and get milk and then it is bedtime as I am tired.

The weather has been very wet for a few days and now it is turning cold, but I have a nice summerhouse with a heater to go to and I can make tea :)
meditation and lunch were ok, but I am too tense, I did a share of the washing up after lunch and then scrammed.
I have been wandering aimlessly, not able to do anything productive, I got some rescue remedy chewing gum, how novel, in the hope of trying to calm down, but it isn't working.
I have requested repeat prescriptions from the surgery for some of my many meds, they have never prescribed me a reliever inhaler as I hardly ever use it now, but I need a new one.

I did some shopping, black sacks so I can sort and move my things that are still in town, deodorant and mouthwash to ensure I am socially acceptable, and two cds for the cd player in the summer house, I will ignore sniggers from ipod and mp3 player owners as I am simply not in your position. :) It's just nice to have some moosic again after all this time.

Did I add that I had a shower at church? I am sure you need to know that. I also met a friend from another church, and she was relieved to see me and asked where I had wandered off to, she gave me some food vouchers for the daycentres.
I went shopping last night and got milk, teabags, sugar, deodorant. Not very interesting but very useful.
Then I went back to the summerhouse and sorted my backpack out. Did my meds, had a few cups of tea, found out that a USB stick with a lot of work on it is working despite being broken.
did some typing, remembered to put my mouth guard in and went to sleep. I often forget my mouthguard when I am sleeping rough, it is too dark and I get too tired to find it or do my meds.

I woke up late, 9.30, peaceful, I always notice the difference between wearing the mouthguard and not, I am more rested when I wear it and I can feel myself grinding my teeth against it but it doesn't create the same tension as when I grind my teeth without it.

I went to McD's for breakfast and then went to catch the bus. Not so long ago I was completely trapped in the city centre, now I am all over the place.

I go for a shower at the church, which was ok.

In town there is an education, training and work fair but it is not as good as promised.
I get laughed at by someone on one of the stalls because of my communication problems and I tell them I am going to make a formal complaint, because it is not professional at all. I am irritated and more so that I am trying to write this and two chavs have pushed in next to me and are shouting into a phone.
Not a good day.

I am going to meditation and lunch, the chavs aren't going to let me work in peace.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

I am sitting here trying to come to terms with this new computer, I am sitting in McDonalds opposite the place where I live at nght. I have money, but I feel tense ands low, the last few days and what has happened is too much for me. It has been too sharp in highs and lows and too busy.

I have had some potato wedges and chicken bites, and in a minute I will go shopping.
This netbook is far from fancy, hence getting it cheap, it is deeply second hand and keeps missing letters as I try to type.

I should be grateful, I am, but I am worn out as well, and the church hurts never fade.
I went to have my shower but no-one was there, as I walked away I met the guy who tells bad jokes, he asked if I wanted to meet him for tea and cakes at 11am, I agreed.

I went to the daycentre and the rudeman got me tea and a sandwich and rambled on and on, and on.
Then I went to have tea and cake with the bad jokes man, he has an account with northern rock and so he gets to go in the virgin money place and get tea and cake and all the other things they offer their customers, so we sat in there and used ipads and read a book and talked. He is a tough person to understand but he is harmless.

Then I went to the benfits office, there are deep complications with my new benefits that will take time to sort out, but they issued me two giros for the back-paid benefits.

I left one giro at the charity for them to look after for me, and then I went to have a shower and a cuppa at my church, my church friend took me to the big outdoor shop outside town so that I could look round while she went to one of the builders merchants about something at the church.

I have a stress headache from the pace and intensity of my life at the moment and all the new relationships and interactions.

I got some fuel tablets from the outdoor shop, good ones. I am probably heading towards the only part of my old home counties where I can be safe within the next week, and I am very reliant on my stove when I am there.

I cashed my other giro and went to see if my market stall friend had any cheap netbooks, he had one that I decided I would buy, it means I can work on my blogs and statements in the evenings, it has microsoft works on it.

The benefits office lady and the charity lady and I are trying hard to sort out my benefits but it is hard work.

I am off to meditation and tea soon and then I will probably head back to my new sleeping place.
Good morning bloggyreaders.
Well not so long ago I was stuck in the city centre and going nowhere, then there was the hospital trip, then there was the big city trip, and now I have to get a bus to where I sleep out of town.
Yesterday was the first bus trip to my new sleeping place, I followed the instructions that I was given and headed to the bus stop with a bag of bedding.

The bus stop was easy enough to find among all the others, and the bus was quiet enough considering it was rush hour. It was slowish as the traffic was heavy, but not too slow. I got to the terminus that is at a big travel terminal out of town, and got off and crossed the cross roads to where my new friend lives.

My new friend came out to show me the summerhouse where I will sleep. The summerhouse is nice, it has an imitation coal fire heater, a mattress with pillow and eiderdown, a bedside cabinet with a lamp, a stereo and a kettle, a tea making surface and a rocking chair.
My new friend has put teabags, sugar and milk out for me, but in future I will buy my own.
She has also put an ovaltine pot for me to pee in. Very useful, believe it or not as a veteran street-dweller I have only taken to using pots to pee in recently. So I hope I get it right :)

I go out for a walk to get my bearings, we are on the junction of an A-road and a B-road. there are two bus routes close to the house, one that runs until late at night and is slower and more expensive, but my bus pass will be valid on, and the one that I caught that runs direct and finishes at 7.30 and will only give a discount fare on production of the bus pass.
Across the A-road is a McD's,just up the same road are several shops.  The A-road vanishes into darkness one way as it heads towards another town and heads into lightness and busyness the other way as it heads into our town centre, the b-road also heads into town and ends at the A-road, so the other side of the A-road is just the travel terminal. I have a walk around, there are toilets at the terminal until 19.30pm, and I think there are toilets in the McD's.

I go back to the summerhouse and tuck down, my friend was worries in case I didn't have enough bedding but I know I will be very comfy.
It is early to tuck down but I decide I will, I leave the radio on quietly to soothe any distress, and it works.

I sleep, I dream of Janet and Frank and them rejecting me at Christmas, I wake up briefly feeling sad and distressed, then I sleep again. I dreamed some more but I have forgotten it.
I got in the early morning and turned the radio up. I put the kettle on and turned the heater on, all very cosy, I had several cups of tea and took my meds with that.

Then I switched things off, washed up and headed out, it was raining but not as hard as the forecast said. The bus was crowded but not too crowded and I got into town at ten to nine, had a look for a final McD's sticker but didn't find it. Here I am and I am going to have a shower in a minute.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Good Lord, what a day! I went to have a shower but a technical hitch meant I didn't get my shower today. I went to the doctors and that was an almighty and distressing muddle and achieved nothing, so I emailed the charity and told them I was not in a fit state to go and see them. They replied offering a cup of tea and saying that I had been granted the benefit that we had been struggling with.

I was amazed because we were only due to review and send in the appeal today, so how had I been granted this benefit that I was previously refused?
I went to the charity and we phoned the people who granted the benefit and got details, it is still a slight puzzle but it seems that I have genuinely won the appeal and been granted several months of back-paid benefits that I should be able to collect tomorrow.

I then found out that I could get a free bus-pass, only my doctor has to sign it, and I am in a hell of a mood with him at the moment :-/

And the bus pass will be useful, because my next stop was to meet with the lady who is offering me a shed.
She lives out of town, I met with her and she described the shed, it has electricity and a heater and a matress and a duvet and a small kettle and it sounds like she wants to make it as comfortable as possible for me :)

I will be heading there this evening.

So my day of blogging has been ruined, but at least some good came out of all the day.
good morning bloggypeople,
Your bloggywriter is not feeling great, depression is having a field day.

Yesterday afternoon and evening were the usual endurance test that sunday evenings in winter are for a homeless person, only worse.
I wandered about when the library closed, had a rare snooze in the shed where I keep my blankets, woke u pdepressed, wandered down to a church, for some reason there was no evening service and no explanation, so I walked all the uphill back and kept looking for a church I could actually go to but there was nothing and I felt too depressed to face going to the samaritans. I ended up hobbling to McDonalds and sitting in there, writing in my journals.
In the end I left there and went to a cafe nearby that is open on Sundays and has toilets, as I was getting a pot of tea someone approached me, she said she had heard about me from someone else and she recognised me because of my giraffe, she is someone who has a teddy with her at all times like my friend in London used to.
We sat and chatted.
Then the cafe closed and I went off to the 24 hour toilets and by the time I had been there it was soup kitchen time, soup kitchen was nondescript, and then I went home to bed, or rather back to my sleeping place.

I slept and dreamed, I have now forgotten the dreams, though I remembered them earlier, I woke at 5.45am feeling very upset and depressed about the church and wishing with all my heart that I was coherent enough to explain properly to someone and that there was someone to listen who was able to take action.

I got up and went to the market for tea hour, sometimes I wish there weren't so many creepy men at tea hour, but who else would be at the market for breakfast at that hour? Here I am, wound up and depressed.

Today should go like this: Use of the courtesy shower at the church, doctor's appointment, meeting with someone who is willing to let me sleep in their shed, meeting with the charity about my benefits appeal.
And that will take up time that I need to work on the blog, but all those things are necessary.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Captain's blog 15.55, nothing to report, the library closes in half an hour and there will be nowhere to go, such is life for a homeless person. I have two McD's cards full of stickers for cups of tea, and I will draft some poetry and find somewhere to snooze and probably go to the samritans and church later.

So you had better dread my poetry tomorrow hadn't you? :)
Yesterday evening I read a book about a woman who had a sudden anurysm and had a day to live, how she talked to her family and made arrangements.

Then I went to the samaritans as bad memories and flashbacks are overwhelming me, I am seeing the doctor on monday in the hope that he can try to speed up the psychological asessment.

The samaritan lady was ok, it wasn't deeply helpful but at least I had talked to a human being and had a cuppa. By the time I was heading for bed it was soup kitchen so I ended up stopping there to eat and drink.

There was a new guy there, doing as new guys do, slating the homeless services and saying he had left a five bedroom house in holland and was sleeping in a stairwell.
He decided I should be indoors, and I explained I should not, but despite this he decided to approach my friend who was on street warden duty and who I was chatting to and ask her, in front of me, if she could help get me indoors, she said nothing as I metaphorically clouted his nose, and he backed down and apologized, he ended up deep in conversation with her and I went off to the toilet and to bed.

I slept and had nightmares and heard the rain falling. I dreamed about a monster, and then about playing with a lion cup while it's mother watched, and I wondered why she didn't attack.
I stayed in my blankets until 8.30, depression and the huge empty space of sunday morning make it hard to get up. church is at 10.45 and if I get up at 8.30 I have all that time to kill.

I got up and went to the solitary market tea stall, I had some breakfast and several cups of tea. The weather is showery, last night at soup kitchen it was cold and clear, but it was showery overnight and is going to stay like that.

I went and had my wash and meds, had one more cuppa and at last it was time for church.
This church goes by quickly and doesn't hurt, a solution to my church phobia!
Then there is tea and cake and chats with new friends.
Then it is hot miserable smelly library time and lunch. I am not hungry really.

The air in the big city that I went to recently smells of industry and pollution, the air in the villages smells of woodsmoke and home, the air here doesn't have much smell.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

I just went to my new church for a cuppa as the meeting was ending, someone asked me to put a table away while they made me a cuppa, so I ended up furniture moving while I waited, and then my cuppa got taken away after a few mouthfuls by someone who thought it was abandoned, then they brought me a new one but it was too hot and weak and everyone was getting ready to go, so I threw it out and washed the cup, they gave me some food as well, I put it with my blankets and went to the art gallery where my friend made me a good cuppa and got me a slice of cake. So I have done well for food and tea.

The main library is closed, so I am larking about on the stand up computers and it hurts to stand. I am also reading various books.

Tow new things have come up from my new church, apart from the food and tea etc, they have a courtesy shower that they will arrnage for me to use, and someone there has a garden shed that she is happy for a well behaved tenant to use, tba.
Yesterday after a good breakfast and a good shower I set off from the hostel.
The layout of the city has changed slightly but not so much that I can't remember it.
I found my way to the famous church where people light candles, a lady from the Island used to light a candle here for me when she was here. I lit a candle for me and for two people I know who aren't well and for my sister's boyfriend.

Then I went to find a bus. The buses have barely changed here, I got a bus, the same number and route that it was when I was a teenager, the bus when past where my older brother, brother F and his wife used to live, through the grim slums on the edge of town, and stopped at the stop where it used to stop so that I could get off.
I walked through the slums. I looked at the mountains of ubbish spreading everywhere, the dumped furniture, the dog poo and sick and weeds, and I was glad that despite my break for freedom from this place ending in a failed life I had not had to come back to live here, and never will, I lived in overwhelming fear of having to go back to my family when I had left them, and that fear stayed for many years.

I walk through the slums, it is already getting hard to walk. I stop and look down the hill to the end of a road, a road where my family had two different homes, I don't need to struggle down there to know what they look like, one is boarded up and derelict forever, the other is a normal family home to some ethnic minority family.
I turn right, cross the road, turn left, and there is another of our old homes, the last home I knew with my family before I left them. It has been paved outside and is divided into flats now.
I turn and walk away, past boarded up houses and houses with falling down curtains, skips full of rubbish, I wish I could rescue all the people from here and show them fresh air and light, but to some of them this is home, and who am I to help anyone? look at me!

I reach the other bus route, on the edge of the really dangerous areas, one of the buses that used to run is still running, I wait, the same old rap music is playing nearby, I know it, I know the words, I know the sentiments.

The bus comes and I get on and look out the windows at the ghettos, I used to cycel this route to go and deliver my papers in the better areas, I used to take this bus to the next terminus and change there to go to college.

As we near the better areas where I used to deliver papers, I get a shock, the great landmark tower blocks are gone, demolished, they are building sites for new flats, I can't believe it, I was hoping to go in one of the blocks and go up to the top floor and look out over the city, for old times sake. But they are gone.

I get off at the terminus, the shopping centre there hasn't changed, and even here there is more rubbish than seven maids with seven mops could clear in a lifetime, this is a better area but right on the edge of the slums and gangland and there are no borders.
I go to the toilet at the shopping centre and go for another bus. Same old bus, same old route.

I get off the bus at the crematorium. There is a funeral about to start there, another family's bad day.

I remember the end of Dad's funeral, my mum didn't know what was expected of her when the female funeral director took mum outside to the memorial area where she would speak to all the guests, I remember all the floral wreaths here for dad, today there are floral wreaths for other people's dad's and grandads, other people's mums.
It is raining and I go into the memorial garden, I never got to say goodbye properly to dad because mum ran off with his ashes and I was so far away in the Island. I also want to see if there is a memorial plaque to my two friends who died in 1995 or 1996.

I had no idea that the memorial garden was so huge, I suppose that because this is a vast heavily populated city the crem here is quite busy.

It is pouring with rain.

'In this winter city the rain cries a little pity, for one forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care'.

I go and shelter in the great cold halls of rememberance. Huge endless mausoleums full of memorial stones ranging from many years ago up until last decade. I cannot see a memorial to my friends in here and it is eerie in here, chill cold and no-one else in these spooky corridors and bays full of memorial stones, as I finally get to the end of the corridors my phone beeps with a message from my brother, and the cold stillness is broken.
My brother is making arrangements to meet up.
I feel closer to my dad here, I have felt closer to him since I arrived in the city, as if a remnant of his spirit is here in this great fallen city.
Yesterday as I came into the city I caught the train that he used to catch to work, and I remember changing the words of a song so it went 'Dad he is hurrying, he is catching the 9 O'clock train...'

When I came out of the mausoleum I walked around the memorial gardens, miles of memorials, old and new, but no sign of a memorial to my friends, who died near here and were both cremated here. Not even the usual finding instinct that I have, that used to amaze Janet, I can find anyone and anything.
No answer in the wind and rain, no word from my old friends' spirits to say that they are there, I didn't get to say goodbye to them or go to their funerals.

It continues to rain and the next bus I want stops right by the crematorium so I head for the bus shelter. I am glad that buses and routes have stayed much the same here in the city, it means I can get around and do what I have to.

I get the bus and hop off again maybe three quarters of a mile down the road, then I cross the old familiar roads onto yet another bus route.
I catch the bus and get off in the area where my brother lives, I struggle up the high street and go into the library where I wait for my brother.
My brother sends a message to say he is stuck behind a bus. He gets to me eventually, he is carrying his 9 month old daughter who is my neice and this is the first time I have got to meet her. She is shy so I show her Patrick giraffe and she smiles.
We go to a cafe to have a cuppa, my niece keeps trying to grab the cups of tea, so I give her the giraffe to play with, she is happy with that and keeps throwing him on the floor so that her daddy picks him up again, great game!
My brother is stressed, work is hard and they have his girlfriends sister and boyfriend living with them as they were made homeless and the girlfriend's sister gave birth last nigh, so it is all very tiring for my brother.

Then it is nearly time for me to head back, so my brother gives me a lift to the petrol station where he will get fuel and I will be collected by my friend from there. The baby is kept quiet by Patrick, who she has decided is 'duck', thats a new one, he is usually called a camel or a teddy.

My friend turn up promptly and we set off.
The journey is ok, it is raining hard a lot of the way, we pass a bad three car smash, and we go through two of the counties where my family travelled when I was young.
We stop outside one of the old familiar towns to get potatos so she can make soup later, we have a cuppa at the supermarket cafe, then we are off again.
She decides that I should stay with her rather than her have to drive into town in the bad weather, as she lives 15 miles out of town.
We get fish and chips for us and her housemate at a village chip shop and I tell her I want to stand outside and smell the woodsmoke, I miss the cold dark coutryside nights and the woodsmoke, it feels good to sniff the air.

We get back and I meet her housemate and the two dogs, we have supper and I go to bed and sleep until nearly 9am, we have a good breakfast and I have a shower, then we head into town with a pot full of soup as the church is having a meeting with lunch, I will go off and come back for some lunch.

And I did.

Friday, 20 January 2012

Human beings are the same wherever you go, you still have to work out what to do when theywalk towards you or if they are too close in an enclosed space.
In this city they seem good at personal space, but I can't decipher what they say very easily. In this hostel there are a mixture of international travellers and they are not all good at personal space and I still don't know what to do if someone walks straight at me or does as a rather antisocial woman did in the bathroom this morning as I sorted myself out, she kept wandering over me and my things as I sat in the corner not in the way or blocking her path. In the end I told her that she was being unreasonable, well what could I do? keep jumping out the way as she walked over me for no reason, she was really odd, I am odd but I try to make space for others, to extremes, I wouldn't barge anyone like that rude woman was doing. I only barge if I am trapped and panic out of control.
Last night I was so worried in case I coughed or snored or cried out in my sleep, so it was funny that no-one turned up and I slept peacefully.

This city was once a busy industrial city, it still seems lost and ruined in the memory of it's industrial success, the road the hostel is on shows the remnants of the old industy and it looks so sad.

The weather has remained bad here, so it is a good thing that I didn't sleep rough, sleeping rough in a strange city the first night is always dangerous and trying and tiring. 
Hello bloggypeople. I will write as much as I can in the time I have.
I left the library and followed directions to a backpacker hostel, walking through the 'Irish Quarter' that I knew and loved when I was a teenager. I used to roam these grim streets but I have very little memory of them now, only sense of direction.
The dubliner pub is still there.

I find the hostel and it is not the clean and neat YMCA type place that I am used to finding, it looks more like a falling down haunted house, the inside is welcoming and higgldey-piggledy, they check me in and mutter something about three girls in the six bed dorm, they tell me there is free tea and coffee and free soup between 8 and 9 and free breakfast in the morning, all this for £14, and a £1 returnable deposit for a locker.

So I go to the dorm, no one is there, so I decide to wait for the others to choose their beds, I put my things in a locker and go to meet my sister in a pub a few streets away, she is playing pool with her friends there, this is sister K.

I watch them play pool and my sister keeps winning, she is on a pool team, so is her boyfriend, he is there too, he is having a heart bypass soon, she is scared about it, but he is far older than her and has always smoked and drank heavily.
It was nice to see them and they gave me a lift back to the hostel as I found it hard to even walk that short distance.
I had some soup at the hostel but it wasn't solid enough to be supper and there wasn't enough bread, so I walked to subway and got one of their cheap and filling snacks.
Then I went back to get my bag from the locker and have a shower. The shower surprised me, it wasn't typical hostel no privacy or space, the showers had proper doors and mats and plenty of space and the shower worked well as well.

I did my meds and washed and sorted out, anxious to be hygenic and not be problematic to anyone in the dorm, hoping they would be nice and that I would fit in.
I took my backpack  back to the locker for the night and kept just a small bag of essentials with me for the dorm, inhaler, tissues, lozenges, phone and charger. That way everything is safe.

I got to the dorm and no-one was there, so I wondered if they were staying up late in the lounge, no beds appeared chosen, so I picked one by the window and opened the window and turned the heating down. I tucked in, hard mattress is ok, and soft hot duvet, I fell asleep, no-one came in to wake me, until 5am in the morning when someone staggered in and crashed out on a bed. I got up and went to the loo, closed the window and turned the heat up a bit, Then I started having flashbacks and dozed and drifted and dreamed, dreamed of my family.

I dozed in and out, judging the time by how light it was outside.  I got up at 8am and went to have breakfast, four slices of peanut butter toast and three cups of tea. I will have some fruit in a mo, and then I will have a shower, check out isn't till 11am which is good. I will see my brother and niece today and maybe I will go to the grim ghettos to see our old homes.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Yesterday evening was not a samritans evening, I got a hot drink from McDonalds and went to my sleeping place, seeing as it would be an early start in the morning.
I slept like I was dead and woke up in the dark wondering what the time was, the rain drumming on the roof of the shelter had woken me, I wasn't cold, I needed the loo slightly. It is nice being wrapped up warm and cozy and listening to the rain, not so nice in knowing it takes a few minutes to free myself from the shelter and pack up before I can go to the loo.

I got up and didn't doze, I went to McD's and used their loo and then got a cuppa, a few very drunk up all night lads were making McD's more lively.

Then It was market time, time for peanut butter on toast and real tea!
Then it was time for a wash and change and sheltering in the pouring rain until my friend arrived for the big long drive accross the county, it was amazing to see the fields and trees again and to be on the road. We stopped at a reservoir that she knew so that I could wear their toilet out and we could have a cup of tea.

Eventually we arrived in the suburbs and she dropped me off and I promptly got a travel card and caught the train into the city and registered for a library card so I could internet and blog this.

Good God, I have realised one of the reasons I struggled so much when I lived here as a teenager, the accent, I cannot hear what people are saying because the accent is so pitched and toned, no wonder I ended up in my own little world.
And people here are very short in manner, they are good with personal space though, they don't sheep-follow or walk through you as they do where I am normally.

No-one is reading this so I will blog off and find the hostel

Wednesday, 18 January 2012


I was brought up living in fear, fear of the real hatred in the neighbourhood, and fear of these powerful 'spirits' that my parents knew about, fear of the authorities such as social services who would 'take us away to a worse life in care' if they could and fear even of my own older brother who my parents said was dangerous and serving powerful spirits.
I am just trying to make arrangements to see some of my family tomorrow. I will see my sister at 5pm probably, and my brother I am not sure when.
I just went shopping, I got boots for £22 in the sale, I need those boots! I also got some wet wipes, two packs for a poung, face wipes that I use for a general wipe wash and intimate wipes.
Then I got a pack of knickers for £2.50 and a new thermal top for £4, because my thermal top is stained and holey and dirty. So that is nearly £30 on essentials, sometimes being homeless seems expensive but in a lot of ways it easier to survive homeless than it was to live indoors struggling to make ends meet with the rent and food and bills paid out of my wages.
well I had a nice meditation and lunch, then I got a message saying I had a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I don't so I went to sort it out and I don't have an an appointment, someone else is speaking to the doctor about me tomorrow and thats what the message was about.

I can't settle and do much as I feel unwell, so I keep wandering about, the teastall man waved cheerfully as he wandered past and then the lady from the homeless lunch came past and so I told her I wouldn't be there on Friday and she bought me a tea and a sandwich and a bottle of juice even though I said I was ok for food and drinks :) She is a nice lady, she has suffered trauma and she really wants to see me helped.

I think I am going to buy boots today, in the sale, because I think it will help my walking, I will keep these boots by as spare for when I get wet feet. Earlier I got some handwarmers to keep me stocked up with cheap handwarmers as waterbottles for cold nights. I should also buy knickers today.
Earlier yesterday when I was having a cup of tea with the warden lady she said it had been -5 (C) the previous night and had I been cold? I grinned and said I had been ok apart from when my blankets drifted off, I hadn't really noticed the cold.

I want to the meditation and tea last night and ended up talking to a very talkative person, then I escaped and went to the women's group. I was not feeling well by then, I think x-rays make me unwell.
So I joined the women's group briefly and told them I would need to crawl off and hibernate.

I wandered down the dangerous road singing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a very slurred manner even though I wasn't drunk, just tired and sick and confused.
I went into the bed and breakfast, I hadn't got any supper and didn't really want any, so I scraped the peanut butter jar out onto a slice of bread, but the landlord helpfully brought in another peanut butter jar, so I had some sandwiches, because I will eat peanut butter sandwiches even if I am dying.

I was very tired but I had a bath and washed my underwear and socks and thermals and hung them up to dry and went through all my medicines and then fell asleep.

I woke up feeling quite good this morning, but it was a slow process getting up and getting sorted. I had a shower and did my medicines and drank tea, I skipped breakfast, everything seems slow motion at the moment and takes forever.
The weather here has changed from freezing cold to wet.

By the way the walking department that I was looking for is at the other hospital.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

I had an uneventful journey to and from the hospital, I got there very early in order to orientate myself and worried about a notice about not being able to change into gowns in the ward, I thought it meant changing and wearing a gown in the waiting area or corridor, but they explained to me that there were changing rooms and I was about an hour early but they processed me anyway and although I had to take off the talisman that I wear round my neck I was ok. I was scanned and that was it.
Then I wandered round the hospital hoping to find the walking place, because the pain is huge and I wanted to beg them to see me as soon as possible, but I couldn't find it and all the walking was too much, then it was a question of sorting out the muddle of busses to get the right one back, and I ended up on a slow bus.

I saw the sunset and the fields and I was reminded of the sunsets and fields that I used to see before I was confined to hobbling round town centres, before I lost my car and my outdoors hard work.

Here I am back, this eveing there is meditation and tea and women's group but I am not sure I will go to women's group much as I want to go to the bed and breakfast.
Good morning bloggypeople. I am here at last.

Last night I didn't go to the samaritans, I went sticker hunting and found enough for a hot chocolate, which I sicked up.
I begged a tin cup of tea off someone I knew and then settled down to sleep. It was a bitter cold night but I was well wrapped up.

I dreamed a lot, I dreamed that there were teenage drug addicts attacking the place where I was sleeping and I woke myself up by crying out in protest.
Then I dreamed I went to the top story of a building in a lift, but the lift was posessed and started spinning round and round and the top story of the building was posessed as well and it was shouting all the church side of things at me and making me feel terrible and trapped, I was trapped there but all of a sudden a janitor got out of the other lift and I went over to him and asked if he would escort me in the lift to get me safely out of the building.
Then I dreamed something about my brother and sister and a lap dancing club - that dream comes from recent protests about a local lapdancing club trying to expand, my church are protesting.

Then I dreamed someone found me and my bedding and the put my bedding in neat piles and expected me to leave, but I realised I must be asleep because they had put the bedding in piles without moving me as I lay among the bedding. So I woke up and got up in case the dream came true and after all it was 8am, so I had slept from 10pm to 8am, which should be sufficient but if left to sleep then I am sure I would sleep to death, but I mustn't, I must grit my teeth and wait for the real end, the one that God intends.

I scurried to the toilet and then wandered in the direction of the charity and a cup of tea, had a chat and was given a pack of jaffa cakes to take away. There is a harsh white frost everywhere even in the town centre.

I went to the social security office in the hope that my money could be brought forward to tomorrow so that I would have the money before I go on this trek on Thursday, they swiftly and kindly told me I could collect my giro right away!
Wow, this office caused me such stress in the first place but now they are so helpful!
So I collected my giro and sat on the ground outside the post office and waited for it to open because it is late opening day and I still feel quite rough. I cashed my giro and went shopping, got cough medicines and other necessary evils, then I went and got my breakfast from the market.
Now here I am,and my bag and jumpers are in a locker and today is a potentially busy day with a variety of happenings including hospital which is a bus ride, which I am not really looking forward to in this state.

Monday, 16 January 2012

I am feeling a bit better now.
I published this in the 'Homeless' blog earlier instead of this blog:

I have taken all my medicines but I still feel rough. I have sat in the daycentre and drank cups of tea. I still don't feel like being online. I really just want to go to sleep but there is nowhere to sleep.

I am still getting used to two blogs and struggling to separate them and sort them out. Illness and shortness of food are making it harder to get anything done.

Anyway, back to now, I wandered around looking for stickers and coins, I found 5 pence. I found a sticker but a big issue seller nearby said he only needed one more sticker for his tea and so I gave him the sticker as he stands there in the cold all day and I can't be a big issue seller because I can't stand.
I found one more sticker after that, so I need two more.

I was getting hungry so I went back to my new church to see if the cup of tea warden was there, she was so she got me soup and sandwiches and a cup of tea. She said she was going to the town where my younger brother lives on Thursday and I asked if she could give me a lift there, she said yes, and she is coming back on Friday so I will come back with her then.

I really have to keep living on the streets of this town for now in order to get the medical help that I need. But I really need a break from this town centre and to be on the move, so it will be good to go and see my brother.
Yesterday after library time I went to the samaritans and had a natter, then I went to collect a prescription and then I headed to my friend's house.
It was cold and the forecast was for well below freezing. So it is a good night to go indoors, and because I am hungry it is a good night to be going to my friend for supper.

My friend has cooked a ham and there is greens and mash potatos to go with it so that is an excellent meal, followed by a cup of tea and then we watch the first of a series about a midwife in the 50s, which was interested, then my friend is tired because she has ME and I am tired just because I am tired, so I have a bath and then it is bed time.

I sleep soundly and dream about all kinds of things, the mission, my sister, being laughed at, trying to folow the river as far as the sea and knowing I can't walk that far.

I wake up at 8.40 am and get up to wash, my friend brings me a cup of tea, I am in pain and I am in slow motion as I try to dress.
My friend gets me boiled egg and toast for breakfast. Then I head back into town, here I am, I feel sick with pain and I can't find my painkillers, I'm not going to get much done today because of pain and being unable to look at the screen. My x-ray for this pain is tomorrow, how exciting. I am wondering what they will even be able to do if they find out what is causing the pain? pin my spine in place? or tell me I am in for a lifetime of liver-damaging painkillers?  hm. I feel sick, excuse me.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Well I predictably did as I said and didn't stay up for soup kitchen or go to Samaritans.
I was in bed and alseep by 21.30, I slept until 4.30am when my blankets wandered off and it was freezing! I wrapped back up and slept lightly until the alarm went off and then went to the loo and dozed again until 7.30 and then brewed coffee.

I wandered around with hours to kill and nowhere to go, I ate my apple and biscuits which was all my remaining food. Then I was invited into one of the little churches and I set chairs out in return for two cups of tea and some biscuits.
But the church got crowded and I kept getting trapped, so I left. I went and had a thorough soap and water wash and washed the crotches of my knickers and thermal leggings and dried them under the hand drier, handy things these hand driers.

Then I went to my new church, and enjoyed it. There was tea and biscuits afterwards, and lots of talk, there is a new character in life who I haven't nicknamed yet, he goes to church there but I knew him from the library, he tells me silly jokes all the time.

Then it was time for a doctor's appoinment, the doctor was busy and late, I told him about how bad the walking was and the trouble with my stomach and he gave me more meds and topped up my anti-inflammatories and said he hoped that the hospital would hurry up and they were being very slow.

My friend phoned and asked if I would like to come to supper at 7pm and stay over, I said yes. The doctor was hoping I would have a night or two indoors and rest my legs properly, and I am hungry so I am looking forward to a good meal.

I go out looking for stickers and find them, I get a hot chocolate. Then I return to the library to read my book, and catch up with the blog.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

The library closed at 5pm and I went to have a cup of tea at the art gallery and help sort books out.
The book sorting was nice light work just making the books neat on the shelves and taking out a few that weren't going to sell, I worked on my own and did maybe half an hour.

Here I am with a few minutes internet before I go out looking for stickers and then probably sit in McD's and read the paper until bed time, because I don't feel like soup kitchen or samaritans.
I have been drifting around in a lazy weekend mood. I went to get a bacon roll and tea at the daycentre and stayed there reading my book for a while, then I wandered back here but didn't write anything.
Then I went sticker hunting and found two and went back to the daycentre and had a jacket potato and a cup of tea.
I have enough food for this evening, and saturday is a good sticker day, so I will probably get more stickers later and not go to soup kitchen, I think I need an early night tonight so I will get hot drinks by sticker or samaritan or even brewing my own coffee this evening and I will tuck down early and get up early tomorrow.

The main library here closes at 5pm today and I really cannot concentrate on all the hard blogwork that needs doing, so I will start it next week :) sometimes I wish that the work would do itself :) ha, that would be funny.
I have to make sure I am writing in the right blog now.

I went to the samaritans last night, I was nearly too nervous to talk to the young samaritan lad, I don't usually talk to lads but he was actually good to talk to, and someone made me tea in the biggest cup in the world, I had two of these huge mugs of tea while I talked and that made up for all the recent tea shortages.

Then I went to soup kitchen and got sandwiches and a bit of cake. I ate some of the sandwiches and cake and saved the rest for tomorrow.
I went to the loo at the all night loos as I didn't want to be up all night, then I went to bed down, it is a cold night. I bedded down warm and comfortable and slept the night with no loo breaks, no waking up at all, which is unusual, especially at the weekend.

I got up and set the stove up for brewing coffee and sorted my backpack out a bit and left some of my things with my bedding in order to make thebackpack lighter. I have started suffering depression in the morning again that makes me reluctant to get up and face the world again. It was 8am when I climbed cautiously out of my comfy blankets and found that I could stand and walk ok. Last night I dreamed a riot of colourful vivid dreams, but all I can remember is a dream about looking something up in the phonebook while my dad was standing there silently looking at something on the floor.

I brewed coffee and then headed to the loo and was dismayed to find that I had soemhow had a very upset stomach without noticing at all, I think the doctor needs to know that as well, what on earth is wrong with me?
Anyway, I had a good wash and took my medicines and then it was library time already, it was a cold night and is a cold morning but I haven't felt cold at all. My hair is a disasterous mess due to being washed yesterday and wearing a hat today.

Last nigt there were some drunk girls giggling about my giraffe and calling him a camel, I said to them in very BBC english 'don't laugh at my giraffe', and that made them laugh even more.

Friday, 13 January 2012

I went to have another cup of tea at the daycentre, then I went to the shopping centre toilets and cut and scrubbed my nails -at last! And I washed my hair and dried it under the hands drier and it ended up as 'Big Hair' but at least it is clean, I also had a general wash and took some meds.

Then I went to the art gallery and had tea and cake with my new friend, I will be sorting books for her tomorrow instead of today.
I couldn't do anything yesterday, my walking got worse. I never found stickers for another cuppa. I nearly gave up being in the library to go to the samaritans. But I got some chocolate and stayed in the library until closing time, then I went to the samaritans.

The samaritan I saw was a nice lady who I see sometimes, she had a trainee with her and we all had a nice chat and they got me two cups of tea and some biscuits.

Then I went to soup kitchen, soup kitchen was ok, I ate a nice long tuna and cucumber baguette and had several cups of tea, I took a sandwich and a big cooke for the next day.

as I walked away from soup kitchen, V. shouted me, I didn't even recognise him or know he was there, he was dressed smartly and had his hair smoothed down, he didn't seem to be his usual cheerful self but he came over and he and his friend started tell me about a fight on the dangerous road between a six months pregnant woman and a man. Then V. spotted his brother and shouted him over and they started talking baout the fight and forgot me.

I wnet to the toilets which seem to be open 24 hours. Then I went to sort out my bedding and sleeping situation.
I went to sleep in a new place, sheltered from the weather, cold wintry showers weather, frosty freezy weather, I was half expecting other homeless people to come and sleep here but no-one else was around. The resident rough sleeper of this particular place has wandered off.

I slept but was woken in the early hours by a strange howling noise, I don't know what it was, it didn's sound like fox, cat or human, but I slept again and woke up sleepily when the alarm went off and decided I was too sleepy and needed to stay in bed. So I finally got up at 8am and stashed my bedding. I went to the loo and then went to the surgery too late to get a doctor's appointment, they sent me to see the nurse who referred me to see the doctor at 12.15.
As I walk back through town the thug that assaulted me some time ago walks past me and swears at me, unprovoked, I just replied 'pardon?' and said hello to the bookstall, but I don't want that thug thinking he can go on misbehaving towards me because I feel vulnerable and he is aggressive.

I went to the library but I couldn't write anything. So I had a walk around and went to the daycentre. Yesterday the managers at the daycentre had said hello to me in the street and I stopped and looked at them in bewilderment, not recognizing them at first, they thought that was funny. And today they still think it is funny, especially as I keep apologizing for forgetting them and the daycentre, but I keep being given food vouchers that are valid here, so I have a cup of tea and a bacon roll, and I sit with rudeman, who comes out with a long stream of comments about me being missing and about my walking.

Rudeman sits there and drinks tea with me and another homeless man and tells us everything in his life. He keeps talking when I leave as if he will just keep talking no matter who or what is there. I ask him where are the police who normally pop in for a meeting and a cuppa, and he says that he thinks they will come in, but they don't while I am there, I wanted to talk to them about the sweary thug.

All the staff at the daycentre ask where and how I've been. But I don't stay long. I have Things To Do.

I hobble up to my church, my friend's neighbour is there doing coffee and keeping a rather unwell man amused as the unwell man needs to talk and ramble and doesn't make much sense but doesn't realise it, he is so nice and a long standing member of the church and it is such a pity he doesn't seem to know he is ill.
My friend's neighbour pours tea for me and asks if there are any messages to pass on, I tell him to let my friends and the priest know that I have moved my bedding but I can't walk well enough to move the rest of my things yet.
I collect my giraffe from the vestry and affix him to the backpack, my friend who repaired and washed him is unwell with shingles, which is sad.

I stop off at the hostel where the sweary thug lives and ask to speak to them about him. I meet his support worker who also knows my friend at church, I tell his support worker what has happened and his support worker tells me that the sweary thug has been in a lot of police trouble lately and that though he has a good relationship with him he has had give thug some sound bollockings recently, he tells me he will speak to thug and hopefully put a stop to things and that I should let him know what happens. I am happy about that because getting sweary thug into more police trouble won't help him or teach him anything, or even stop him.

I wander back to the doctor's surgery, and the doctor isn't my usual doctor and he tells me that he will phone the hospital and see if they can see me sooner. So that is that.

Then it is time for homeless lunch, I am a bit late but I get plenty of soup and bread and fruit and cake and tea. One of the kind servers gives me fruit to take away, I know my tummy will get grumpy about the fruit because it doesn't digest fruit well, but I hope I am getting some goodness from the fruit. One of the servers tries to find out about help services for people with PTSD for me but there is nothing of that kind here. The gossips and awkwards do nothing bad, they laugh a bit about my giraffe and I explain to them that I was homeless in London where people say 'Yer 'avin a girraffe aincher?'

What I really need to do is wash my hair and cut and scrub my nails, I never found my scrubbing brush so I will use my old toothbrush, and I need to find my nail clippers, which are hiding out somewhere in my bag.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

A painful day walking, mainly not as bad as yesterday but I can't really walk round the bins to look for stickers very easily.

Overwhelmed with bad memories, I phoned the other charity that ha started helping me, I was able to talk to someone there and that helped me.

I haven't been able to concentrate on blogging. I went to the surgery and they said that they would arrange a repeat prescription for my anti-inflammatories as I have little left and they said that if I came in at 7am tomorrow that they will put me on the emergency list because of my walking, I do not know what they can do about my walking but I will at least see them and hope they can do soemthing, there is no sign of a letter saying when I can go to the hospital for help with walking, my appointment next week for x-ray is a different thing.

I found 20p and got some small chocolate, but I am still hungry and in need of a hot drink.
I just went outside with the aim of moving my bedding, but it was pouring rain, I got stickers and got a cup of tea instead.
There has been a cold wind, it was a cold wind last night but no rain, when I woke at 4am I wasn't cold as I was sheltered in the porch, I just needed the loo, I saw a fat fox with a healthy brush wandering past when I went to the loo.
Last night I went to the samaritans and had a cuppa with them as usual.
Then I waited for soup kitchen. Soup kitchen was ok, I got sandwiches and tea and a donut, and a sandwich and biscuit for the next day, I also got some shower gel, there were loads of buns and donuts that a bakery had donated but I wasn't tempted by them. Then I wandered off to the loos because I ended up having four cups of tea.

On the way back from the loos I noticed some bakery leftovers among thr rubbush, all done up in bags, I took two little crusty rolls to eat tomorrow as they were nice soft ones.

I had some anxiety about bedding down but I bedded down in the porch and slept ok. In the morning I didn't hear my alarm, I heard the dust cart first. I scrambled into a corner so they didn't see me, but I dozed off with the little duvet round my head and I kept slipping off the bin bag of blankets I was sitting on and waking up.
Eventually I moved and went to put my bedding away, I am moving it to it's new home today hopefully, but not yet, I need to find a cuppa first.
As I go to put my bedding away I meet my friend who helped sort my bedding out, she is delighted that I have found a new place for it.

I go on and look for stickers for tea, I find none but I bunp into someone from the charity and they invite me to go and have a cup of tea at the office, we stop at Tesco on the way and get biscuits and she also buys me a sandwich for later. We have a cuppa and biscuits and a chat in the office and then I go to the nearby toilets to wash and change.
On the way from the toilets to the library I find stickers, i just need one more for another cuppa.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Tuesday, 10 January 2012
yesterday was a bad day, I went to the Samaritans in the evening and had a cup of tea with them, which helped. Then I went back out but I didn't want to go to soup kitchen, so I wandered back towards my bedding.
On the way I met a load of people in fancy dress dancing in the lane outside a pub. So I sat and watched them, they really annoyed a woman driver who was trying to get threw. I sat on the ground and watched, and talked to them when they finished, I ended up walking with them to the next pub and making some friends as they explained to me what they were doing and why - the reason I am so vague is as usual, to protect my location from the diocese. But anyway I made some new friends and had a glass of apple juice with them and that cheered me up and distracted me until midnight when I went to bed down.

I slept soundly through the night, I had to get up when someone came along to deliver wood chips nearby and asked if they were in the right place. This sleeping place is just too exposed and public, I can't really sleep here any more. While I was asleep I dreamed of work, hard work putting kerbs in, and having to 'prove my worth' as I always did with heavy work, showing the lads that I could lift the heavy tools and then showing them that I could actually lift kerb stones off the van!

I went to the market and used my last coins on a cup of tea. Then I went to the medical centre and I saw a nurse straight away and she couldn't help so she made me a doctor's appointment for this afternoon.

I went and had a nice long wash and change.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Sometimes the blog is too long, people read bits and say they have read it. That is going to make it difficult.

I just went to the charity for a cup of tea.  As I walked back I noticed that the shoes hung on the telegraph wire have multiplied. My schitzophrenic pal in London would go mad if he saw that, he thinks people leave shoes for him to find.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012
I am really Hungry. I cannot write anything

Tuesday, 10 January 2012
wow, what an evening!

Well I went to the churchyard and ate some cake that I was given by the charity earlier, I brewed a manky tin of soup that I found but it turned out perfectly edible and filling.
Then I went to the doctor's appointment. I told the doctor that I didn't know what on earth he could do but that I was struggling in despair with memories and flashbacks and that I knew medicine wouldn't help much and that he was already looking for psychological help for me.

He is a good doctor because for the first time ever without pen and paper I was able to talk about the bad, from the church matters to the growing up with my family and the things that mum and dad said and done, I told him about dad's death and about the riots and the moving on and the religeon, and he understood everything I said, I told him about the church trying to make me out to be mad and I told him about the regression and abuse and cover ups and the way the church lied in court and on statements, I told him about being knocked about by the police and being imprisoned when I suffer severe claustrophobia. The doctor understood all this and I managed to say it all coherently and without breaking down.
It was five O'clock, my doctor's appointment, and I left there at twenty to six, I bet his other patients were hopping mad, but I felt a lot lighter and finally, at last, some of what makes me the mess I am is on my medical records. The only other records of all this are the mental health asessments after the diocese had me trapped and tried to say I was insane and a brief explanation to my GP in Hometown as to why I ended up homeless.

The doctor said he would push for me to get psychological asessment and that there was a lot of trauma there and that it might be helpful to re-assess my Asperger Syndrome in light of that as well, at least I think that's what he said, he said I do present some classic Asperger profile but it isn't too severe, I told him it seems to vary, I think it may vary because of the trauma. It helps when someone else calls it trauma, it validates what has happened, everything that has stayed inside me in a melting pot for so long.
Talking to the doctor has helped to calm the memories and flashbacks down again. I will see him again on Sunday for the appointment that was booked last sunday as I tend to see him every few weeks at the moment. He is a very efficient doctor, I am lucky to have such a good doctor, the Samaritan man who originally spoke to me about this surgery and this doctor was right when he recommended them.

Anyway, at 5.40pm when I left the surgery I was already 10 minutes late for the meditation and by the time I got there there was only 10 minutes left, so I sat quietly in the hall, not daring to go in. When they all finished and came out to make tea they said I could have crept in if I had wanted to. I was too unsure.

There was lovely tea and cakes, I had three cups of tea and a bit of cake and a handful of peanuts and two biscuits. They told me I would be welcome to come to a midweek service and lunch tomorrow, so I will go to that.

Earlier I got a text from my friend, she said she had washed my spare clothes, she had washed three tee-shirts, loads of socks, a pair of gloves and a blanket. I am happy with that.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Last night I went to the samaritans for a cuppa and a chat, I was lucky enough to get two cuppas and some biscuits there. Then I collected stickers, I found enough for a cuppa and decided to save them until the morning. I gritted my teeth and went to soup kitchen, but it was alright, one of the soup servers recognized me and stopped to chat for a while, we talked about weather and bedding and clothing and London and all sorts of things, and he made sure I had provisions for the next day - two packs of sandwiches, a slice of cake, a big cookie (english biscuit not American cake).
So soup kitchen was a success.

I had trouble bedding down or even thinking about bedding down, even though I was tired, eventually I went to the alleyway but realised I had forgotten my sleeping bag and pillow. But I had plenty of blankets and the two small duvets and it was nearly midnight, so I bedded down tired and was asleep straight away.
I woke up every hour, not cold but tense, other people have been in the alley and left beer cans and the people who own the alleyway are obviously not happy with the situation and I was afraid that any minute there was going to be an invasion of one kind or the other, but there was nothing.
I got up at 6am, the night started cold but it had clouded over during the night and was damp instead, there has been rain and damp at night every night recently.
Last night I dreamed a lot, I dreamed I was in France and I dreamed I was in town in thick snow, having snowball fights with protesters and homeless people.

I stashed my bedding and took a clean teeshirt from the clothing bag and went to McD's for a cup of tea.
Then I walked around and looked for stickers, I currently have four, so I am hoping to get two more before lunch time.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Well as I sat at the computer earlier I was dozing off, and when I got up to go and have a break and look for tea stickers I could hardly stand or walk, even though I had taken my meds earlier, so I went and mercifully found two stickers quickly and got my tea, I took another dose of painkillers and anti-inflammatories and ate a sanwich with it.
Now I am back at the library, the tourettes man is in a good mood, he is normally swearing quietly and muttering but today he keeps yelping happily and even yelled 'hallelujah' at one point, which made everyone smile because they are used to him swearing. Once some lads told him to stop swearing and he swore even more.

Today I will go to the midweek service and the lunch afterwards and then I will go to the charity and try to deal with paperwork and documents. :-/

Wednesday, 11 January 2012
I went to midweek worship and meditated deeply (dozed), and then there was a sumptious lunch: homemade soup, tiger bread, cheese, fruit and nuts and proper teapot tea, it was very nice. Then I collected the key for the shed where I will be keeping my bedding! :) The people said that anytime they are there and I would like a cup of tea I can call in there :)

Then I went to the charity and we had a major paperwork session and that was helpful, I also had two cups of tea and some biscuits there.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Sometimes the blog is too long, people read bits and say they have read it. That is going to make it difficult.

I just went to the charity for a cup of tea.  As I walked back I noticed that the shoes hung on the telegraph wire have multiplied. My schitzophrenic pal in London would go mad if he saw that, he thinks people leave shoes for him to find.
yesterday was a bad day, I went to the Samaritans in the evening and had a cup of tea with them, which helped. Then I went back out but I didn't want to go to soup kitchen, so I wandered back towards my bedding.
On the way I met a load of people in fancy dress dancing in the lane outside a pub. So I sat and watched them, they really annoyed a woman driver who was trying to get threw. I sat on the ground and watched, and talked to them when they finished, I ended up walking with them to the next pub and making some friends as they explained to me what they were doing and why - the reason I am so vague is as usual, to protect my location from the diocese. But anyway I made some new friends and had a glass of apple juice with them and that cheered me up and distracted me until midnight when I went to bed down.

I slept soundly through the night, I had to get up when someone came along to deliver wood chips nearby and asked if they were in the right place. This sleeping place is just too exposed and public, I can't really sleep here any more. While I was asleep I dreamed of work, hard work putting kerbs in, and having to 'prove my worth' as I always did with heavy work, showing the lads that I could lift the heavy tools and then showing them that I could actually lift kerb stones off the van!

I went to the market and used my last coins on a cup of tea. Then I went to the medical centre and I saw a nurse straight away and she couldn't help so she made me a doctor's appointment for this afternoon.

I went and had a nice long wash and change.