This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

You will be pleased to know I slept better.

I woke early to a cool grey morning.

I had fallen asleep well and slept through, no doubt very tired from my day out.

Yesterday I set off in the cold dark early morning and watched the sun rise as I travelled, I came home watching the sun set and walking home through a similar cold dark with starry sky.
It never got warm yesterday it was cold even with the sun shining, with a bitter wind.

Yesterday evening I got home to a clean quiet house, did my hot water bottles and some tea, cooked turkey fillets with special potatos, and relaxed. I got two new books yesterday. One was an old favourite 'Insomnia' and another was 'Damn you Autocorrect' which i shouldn't have bought as I don't have much money, but I was laughing so much in the book shop that I just had to buy it, and I was walking round laughing at it, if people didn't already know I was mad, they would have wondered.

I had a great time with tea and talk with old friends yesterday.
A day out is good, it helps my brain to rest and change track, because otherwise I get very wound up, and I also get worried about leaving the safety of my den for a whole day, so I need to have days out as it is healthy. It also makes me write poetry in my head, that I forget before I can write it down.

Anyway, I slept really well, but towards morning I dreamed overwhelming and powerful dreams,

I dreamed that 'Westminster' whoever they may be, scrapped the Diocese of Winchester's silly reports and made them illegal, kind of them. They are welcome to do so in real life.
In the dream 'Westminster' sent me lots of complicated bits of paper about scrapping the Diocesan reports, and I was trying to decipher the small neat writing on official paper.

Then I dreamed I was completely alone, everyone turned away from me and my world and all the support was gone, much like when I was left homeless in Winchester in 2010 and the Diocese took all my friends and support and branded me so I had nowhere to turn, and like when the Korris report trashed my life. You know how dreams can magnify horror, well that one did. I woke slightly and then dozed again.

Then finally I dreamed I was in Bitterne in Southampton. Those of you who don't know this bit, I spent part of my childhood in Southampton and have friends there, and Bitterne is a really run down and hopeless area, the atmosphere there is kind of 'Well we don't have any choice but to live here', it has lots of student accommodation and things. But I used to a see a nice counsellor lady there in the past, so it can't all be bad.
I don't know what the dream was about. Maybe it is because I know someone who works there sometimes and I was thinking about her yesterday, last time I actually saw her, I was on the fast train through Bitterne and she was on the platform waiting for the stopping train, and I texted her and said 'Were you in Bitterne today?'
 And that surprised her.

Anyway, I woke this morning, bright and lively, well, maybe a bit sleepy because of the 5HTP, but I got up, got the kettle on and got some bacon and eggs going. Then I sorted out my kitchen food cupboard as breakfast cooked, it was on my list, so I was pleased to get it done so quickly and efficiently.

I will go to church later at the later service, those of you who are wondering.

When I got home yesterday, I was pleased that my new card reader had come through, so I could finally get the pictures of last year's sponsored walk uploaded and have a look at them.
I am quite happy with them. Hundreds of great pictures. I wonder who this year's walk will be in aid of, although I have an inkling, not sure.

Well, I have plenty of tasks for today, no shortage of things to do, but as yet, the 5HTP is still making me a bit sleepy, as it does, it is a pity it doesn't make me more sleepy in the evening as it is supposed to, it tends to wait until the morning.

I don't know what is wrong with the television and internet here, things haven't been right since the storms, and it is beyond me to resolve it.

Saturday, 24 January 2015


Good lunch time.

Well I am enjoying a day out.
I got up very early and showered  then dressed. Set out in the cold and dark,with a clear starry sky above.
I traveled for a while and arrived early.
This isn't one of the London or adoptive parents trips.

Today I have been seeing old friend s and catching up with them, much tea has been had.

I am aching with laughter at my new autocorrect book.

It is sunny here and there is tea and people to talk to and  it is so nice to have a break from the anxieties of home.

I have the ipad with me, camera, music, internet.

Friday, 23 January 2015

Friday Evening

Good evening peeps,

Have they changed the ingredients in Half-spoon? This bag of half spoon tastes consistently revolting, I had got used to half spoon and didn't notice the taste before.

It has been a busy day. I didn't sleep well last night despite efforts with deep heat cream and hot water bottles and the massage machine.
Really I need physio or chiropractic help to put the shoulder back in, but I am not sure it is aches and pains keeping me awake, I have no idea what it is.
My head and neck have stayed safe with just a light pillow and that isn't the problem.

Anyway, I woke early and got up. A thick white frost was covering my washing on the line and everything else in sight outside.
The washing had been nearly dry or a bit damp last night but I left it out rather than have damp washing in my room.

The internet was down and I had no milk.

I got the early rural bus into town, wandered into the opticians and asked them if they could adjust my glasses, which they cheerfully did.
Then I went into church, lit a few candles, said a few prayers, and as I was coming out, the manager of the chattery shop was wandering slowly past, so I asked him how he was doing for volunteers, with the end result that I spent most of the day at the chattery shop.

We started with sorting and pricing and putting stock out, and I tidied the stock rooms.

Then I had some potato wedges for lunch, the only food I ate all day until I got home as I forgot breakfast, and I sat on the step and read a book and drank coffee.

After lunch I spent the afternoon peacefully minding the shop on my own, a few people in and out and not much sales, as it is January, but at least the shop was clean, tidy and in order. Am I becoming one of them obsessive-compulsive cleaners off the telly? :) I just read my book and had a CD playing quietly, and drank my coffee, but nonetheless, I did an honest day's work for no pay.

I came home, with the stand for my keyboard, which I couldn't carry last time, and some computer bits I was given, and some nail polishes that the boss said he can't sell in the shop. I never buy nail polish as it is an extra expense and not very important, but I like the occasional nail polish. When I was on the street, my friend used to do my nails, if she could get me to sit still and tolerate it.

I got home, still in work mode, and started sorting out the bags of rubbish and junk that I had removed from the vacated room and put in the garage. The recycling bin is now full.

Anyway, after all that work, I got my washing in, did some pasta, and sat down briefly to rest and watch the Simpsons, before going out riding on the buses. I was out for a few hours, just watching miles of darkness pass by as I listened to the radio on earphones.

I walked up from the main road as the cold wind bit and wet snow was falling, but as I got close to home, there was a great song on the radio and I didn't want to get home.

I hope I will be tired enough to sleep tonight and wake early as I have a busy day tomorrow.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Thursday Evening

Good evening peeps,

The blog is statting a bit low again.

Well this morning was housework, I am not obsessive-compulsive as in the illeness, because I have no fear of germs, but I am a tad obsessive about cleaning.
I got the linens and towels done and out, and then the clothes, and then it was time to go to the chattery shop after lunch.

At the shop, yet again the training had had to be cancelled, so I was simply there, straight onto the till when I came in, and then I elected to dust and sweep the shop.
Then I spent most of the afternoon minding the shop alone, it gets slightly boring, just making sure everything is tidy, talking to customers and doing the till, but January is ever so quiet.
So I spent a quiet afternoon, listening to CDs and minding the place. Playing with a toy cat that meowed squeakily just as a customer came in! Haha!

Then the unexpected.

Well, I went into the store room and there it was.

A keyboard. Music, not computer.

A keyboard like the one that I had to leave behind in Jersey.

I do not like being reminded of things like that, and I don't like to have things or do things that remind me of Jersey.
But I have to overcome these triggers one by one.
The keyboard was brought in by a donator who was in a band but has got too old and tired, so it is a good keyboard.
It is a good keyboard that is sitting in front of me on the floor as I write :)

Well, when the boss was there, I asked about the keyboard, and they told me it was in good condition, so it would have to go on sale. Then there was some conferring, and because I am taking on increasing hours now, I was allowed the keyboard instead of my travel expenses for a while.

Unfortunately when the young schoolgirl volunteer came in and we tried to set the keyboard up and try it out, first we couldn't find the power lead, and when we did, I dropped it and broke it! :) The boss laughed and laughed but I reminded him that I have minded his shop on my own for most of the afternoon without breaking it!
I have never been diagnosed as dyspraxic by the NHS, not that they have bothered much about my problems, but I do have some motor problems, and so did my dad, so yes, I drop things, I have to be careful.
I was pretty sure I had a spare power lead at home, and thankfully I did, I waited for the rural bus home when the shop closed, rather than staggering up the hill with the keyboard.
The weather was cold and clear, a real winter's evening, with smoky frosty air.

I have been having worrying trouble with my bad knee, it is pain, rather than the kneecap just wandering off. This is not good, it does that sometimes, sharp pain that makes me hop suddenly.

The keyboard is fun, I plugged it in and it started busily playing a demo. Now I need, from somewhere, music and keyboard books and lessons, probably of the internet. I have not played anything since Jersey and I was self-teaching, playing by ear and not very good, but I just love to make music!
It's funny about the charity shop, I am supposed to be there to benefit them, but already they provide me with great benefit.
You know how I love helping out? :) being able to is a benefit in itself. I wish I could work, but as yet there is no sign I will be able to, especially not if this knee needs an operation.

The other thing, when I got home, a lead to connect my iPad to my laptop arrived, so I can transfer pictures and videos easily, great! I use the iPad a lot for photos and videos.

I have done chicken for supper, what a surprise! :) Chicken is chickeny and good for you, so I can eat plenty of it.

I am still getting premonitions from Jersey, maybe I should check the obituaries.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well I struggled to sleep at all last night. I don't know why.
I did try to change things so my head and neck were supported.
The problem is, it has to be a balance between making sure head and neck are kept in place, and not having such firm support that it presses on the neck.
In the end I just used one pillow, propped up by a dressing gown.
And I pretended I was sleeping rough, but it still took ages to get to sleep, despite the bad previous night, and despite taking painkillers because I was so tense that my muscles were seized up.

I slept, and I woke this morning to a cold and sunny morning.
I have charity shop work later.

I am sleepy.

The news from Jersey is 'They think there may have been a paedophile ring operating in Jersey'.
To which the reply has been 'why did it take you so long to 'Think' this?' As people have known about it for decades, and when, for goodness sake are the links with certain members of Jersey government going to be looked at? It's no good waiting for them to die like Savile before allowing it to become news.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

I am so tired but I am not going to bed yet, otherwise it will disrupt my sleep.
I think I will sleep well again after last night's shallow sleep, but then tomorrow night I will struggle to sleep, this is a bad pattern.

Today I went out, chatted to my chattery shop and wandered around on buses.
The sea was spring tide and lively with grey fog and low cloud.

I popped into church for Mass at some point, and eventually wandered home.
I read the Daily Fail because it had been left on a bus, there were a few good letters.

The weather has been cold and wet.

I am breathing well, and am tucked up on the sofa with a favourite book and the computer, I forgot to put the television on.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well I had a really bad night with insomnia.
I was warm and comfy and surely changing linens shouldn't affect my sleep?

But I was awake for hours, and it I do as suggested and get up, then I end up with an all-nighter, which doesn't suit me as I am a day person who is scared of any form of nocturnalism.

I didn't just struggle for sleep for hours, but I only slept shallowly and to top it off, I had terrible nightmares, I was accused, trapped, treated unjustly and was voiceless.
I woke up and the nightmare of the diocese of winchester remains real, and their recent keen reading of my blogs isn't helpful, they know how to hide their stats, why aren't they doing so?

The weather has switched from freezing to wet and windy, again, it must be January.

I am sitting in bed, I woke at about 7am, woke properly, was never really asleep, and because of the nightmare I woke into flashbacks, what I have to do then is recognize the flashbacks and override them.

I was due to have a day out today but I am too tired to travel and the weather will be rotten all day, so I will stay here, maybe go into town later, and have my day out later in the week or next week.

I feel inspired to write, which is what flashbacks and nightmares do to me, but they tend to send my emotions too high and so I can't write in a balanced way and I am afraid of prolonging the flashbacks and distress and affecting my mental health, it can make things worse, or better.

I have a bit more room cleaning to do today.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

This blog is still statting very low despite no post this morning.

Well, last night I was tired and slept very well. I did dream but I can't remember it and it wasn't distressing.

I woke peacefully this morning and it seems I woke in obsessive cleaning mode. I always open the window in the morning but this morning I took all the linen and bedding off the bed, I would have washed it but I had no washing powder, but if you have asthma, you have to take the bedding and linen off if your asthma gets worse, because you have to work out why it is worse.

Anyway, I did the dusting in my room, my room is naturally dusty, but at least it is naturally warm from the sun on the panels. Dusting is not good for asthma but when it is done, the room is less likely to make me cough.

Then I made another foray into the room upstairs, and cleaned some more there. I had left the windows open over night, so it was a lot better in there.

Thankfully some money came through today, so I headed out to shop.

I went to the pound shop and got things I needed, mouthwash, shower gel, antacids, vitamins, washing powder, cleaning stuff, candle etc.
Then I got groceries and flowers, and I got a pair of trousers and a book. Everything has been running out and wearing out while I have been low on money.
It is lovely to have a candle and flowers again, it makes me feel better.

There is a chicken casserole cooking, and after sorting out ariel problems, I am watching television for once.
It is nice to have a break from writing.

The Daily Fail have just called Justin Welby a hypocrite again over his comments on living wage at odds with the fact that the CofE don't pay their clergy well. They are correct, I think. JM used to complain to me about her salary, she apparently managed because her husband was better off than she was and could manage her money for her.

Monday, 19 January 2015

Monday Evening

The blog is statting low.

I am tired, but it is vital that I stay awake because I must encourage a proper sleeping pattern. I think some of the problem may be pillows again, I may need to support my head better in order to get to sleep.

Well, it has not quite been the day I expected, I moved two bags of rubbish out of the vacated room upstairs, and then I felt sick again.
My money hadn't come through so I couldn't go to my horsys today, but they sent me pictures of the others working with the horses, I hope to go next week.

I worked on the book, 43 chapters, 92,000 words ( I have no doubt that the two blogs have three times as many words if not more).
The synopsis, letter of introduction and the rest of that stuff is also done.

I needed to do something at the library, but they had technical failure and closed, and then I was due to go to the Charity shop for training but they were in all kinds of crisis, with their Monday volunteer off sick with bad asthma, I sympathise, I am battling asthma at the moment, the cold weather has an interesting habit of shutting people's lungs down, and I am on blue inhaler every few hours.

Anyway, I stayed on at the shop to volunteer, because the planned training had gone to pot, so I dusted, cleaned books, and then was left in charge as the boss went out. She came back with food for me, and then a young volunteer from school came in, and I learned how to label clothes and how to make sure all the clothes are in order.
I made a slight error on the till, left in charge alone again, I had forgotten book prices and grabbed a nearby book, charged according to that one's label but overcharged slightly, it wasn't noticed by the customer, and actually we are quite cheap with books, and in general, compared to some shops, no harm done.
The managers seem pleased that, now my memory has come back, I know how to use a till and mind a shop, although I am still slightly thrown by being left in sole charge as I am not yet used to the merchanidise and am hardly trained.

Anyway, January is a very quiet month for the shop, even with things on sale, so we had an uneventful afternoon, and because I did tomorrow's shift today so to speak, I do not have to go in tomorrow, and I did most of my caretaking yesterday, and so I am tired and I can relax and rest and go to bed slightly early but not too early.
I get to go back to the Charity shop on Thursday this week. Second bout of paying my debt to society, totalling 9 hours if I complete Thursday, wow, this will take forever, just throw in some rock breaking! 

Coming home, I was freezing cold, thinking I would need hot water and a hot bottle to warm up, but when I got in my room, it was warm from the glass panels trapping the heat of the sun, so I warmed up.

And would you believe it? Asthma Uk just sent an email asking if the cold weather makes my asthma worse?
Ha, yes, it is the way the cold air hits my lungs, it kind of stops them from working, it is like car engines, I think :) I will read the advice I have just been sent, does it say don't ride a cheeky blue bike that snorts at pollis offissas?

Asthma Uk says that if your asthma is well controlled, the cold shouldn't affect it, they are mistaken, my asthma is well controlled, but I have the sudden reactions when I have asthma reactions, the cold air just switches my lungs off.
Three people per day die of asthma, but again, mine is atypical, it was a special gift from the Diocese of Winchester and has never behaved like it should, a bit like the blue bike, I have a norty bike, I have norty asthma. It won't kill me, it will just make life more interesting.

The hearty stew was hot on the stove when I got home, coming home from work tired to a hot stew is heaven.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

I am sitting in bed to write this. It is a very cold and frosty morning, the frost was already forming when I came home last night.

I really struggled to get to sleep and I slept lightly and was dreaming of hospitals and casualty when I woke at 6am, needing the loo. I didn't know the time and it was dark, but it felt like morning and I wasn't sleepy, so I decided to get up and start working on editing the book.

My bed is warm with it's layers, and I have tea. The layers of bedding remind me of sleeping rough, as does sleeping on a mattress, and when I am really struggling to sleep, I pretend I am back out there, sleeping in my corner in my bedding pile. Happy Days.

I wish I could sleep better and that my worries would all melt away.

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Sunday Evening

Good evening,

Well, a day spent editing the book. I think I need to reassure the bloody Diocese again that the book isn't about them, they have been eyeballing my blogs this evening and forgetting to be incognito. It always makes me wonder, what will they do to harm me next?

As well as editing the book, I have been doing housework, cleaning and disinfecting months' worth of dirty crockery left behind by an outgoing housemate, dangerous with rotting food and mould and bugs.
Suddenly we have plates and cups in the house again! But I have had asthma problems and an upset stomach, probably as a result of the cleaning.

I went to the welfare but wasn't really well enough, In the end I didn't take my food ticket up, but I did have a meal and I was given a meal to bring home.

My housemate has done a huge pot of hearty stew anyway, that will keep us going for a few days, he's a good cook. He tends to do big pots of things.

The weather is bitterly cold, and I can really feel it, I needed my inhaler on the walk home, and we don't have heating, so the house is cold, I am sitting on the sofa wrapped in snuggly things and with a hot water bottle on my feet :)

Sunday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I had some anxiety as I tried to sleep, but then I slept, dreamless and peaceful until this morning.
My eyes hurt a bit today, dunno why.
I got up and started the first edit of the book as I considered going to Mass, I really should have gone, mum gets a bit uptight about me missing Mass on a Sunday.
 I didn't go to Mass, not because of the book but because it is all hills to get there and the roads and pavements are icy, and I was worried about trying to bike in that or having an asthma attack from the cold air in case I tried to hurry to Mass on foot, it is a half hour walk.

I decided to see what I can go to this evening instead.
I have spent the day both editing the book and doing the housework. I have plenty of housework as a housemate moved out, leaving a number of months worth of rubbish and crockery in his room.

 I will go to the welfare later as usual.

It is now bright and sunny but cold, supposed to be snow and sleet, and there are snow clouds looming.

My housemate is doing a 'hearty stew' but I did boiled egg sandwiches and coffee as I did the housework, so I will have hearty stew for my supper :)

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Saturday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well it has been a quiet day, I have done housework or sat here or been to the shop. I have been writing, and the book, nearly complete as a first draft, is almost 91,000 words.

I did roast potatos and philadelphia for tea, and then the internet went down, so I biked in the cold and dark to the nearest open shop, and got some credit for the dongle, and some snacks.
and here I am, just completing two last book parts. Then the dreaded editing and formatting begins.

It is very cold now, with snow and sleet on the way.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

Well it is a lazy day, a sunny day with sudden wintry showers.

I am doing bacon and eggs with bread and Philadelpia light, which is all quite healthy with fry-lite and wholemeal bread. Brunch :)

I am writing.

Friday, 16 January 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been writing, got the housework and laundry done, got a few essentials from the shop.

This afternoon I went to church with a friend, and then I have just been quietly writing and doing housework and getting things done. I did fish and rice for tea.
The weather is cold and clear.

The Daily Mail today shredded the Church of England who they usually support.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well at the moment I am suffering anxiety and terrors at night and it affects me going to bed or getting to sleep, it is not fun.

It was late before I slept and I woke late this morning, apart from waking a few times in the night.
I had nightmares about my family. My family are dead to me and I to them, but when you grow up in a family and they shape the first and most important years of your life, I guess your subconscious never forgets them.

So anyway, I woke up to slightly better weather and a quiet day, I am supposed to go to some church thing later but apart from that, writing and a little trip to the local shop for loo rolls and milk is all I have to do.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well this morning I finally got sorted and walked the bike into town.
I couldn't find the keys to the flimsy lock and so I thought I would get some groceries while they fixed the bike, but the bike only took a few minutes to fix while I was there.

So I was pleased to have a fixed bike, and I walked down to the chattery shop to ask if they could look after the bike while I got some essential groceries, and they were happy to do that, they were very nice to me, and I got some groceries and a new bike lock as it is only luck that no-one has taken the bike yet as the lock was so light.

I came home, and as the rain started hammering down and the wind still howling, I have sat here quietly, watching Buffy and writing.
The book is nearly done really, well, first draft, nearly ready to edit.

Thursday morning

Good morning peeps,

The blogs are statting well this morning.

Well last night as the storms hit, I slept deeply and peacefully, no dreams that I can recall.
I woke as my housemate hurried out to work, maybe late.
The wind apparently hit over 90mph here during the night, and there is flooding and bits of damage.

I am feeling very lazy, I need to get myself together and walk the bike down to the shop for repairs to the sabotage done by the little monsters in town, I think they only undid the brakes and ran for it, but I cannot redo the brake cables myself, so it has to be done by the shop.
The weather is still bad.
I bet the sea has done some  damage to the town, I will see.

A quiet day, just the bike and some writing to do, hopefully.

Tomorrow and the weekend also due to be quiet, going to church with someone tomorrow evening, maybe vigil Mass on Saturday, and normal church on Sunday, and a trip to the welfare as well.
Just resting peacefully hopefully, and sometimes that is what is needed.
With regards to work, I am waiting for the agreement that I can work and I have various casual hours offered, so that is ok.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Wednesday Night

Good evening,

Well this morning time passed as I showered, had breakfast and did this and that, I didn't get much writing done.
Then I went to have some art and lunch.
I drew, it was OK, I survived it, and then it was lunch.
We had a nice lunch. then I came home, to start some writing before I had to go back out.

Then I had to go out again for a meeting, and that was fine, but the wind and rain were back as I walked home.
I seem to spend my life walking home in the wind and rain, and it was a cold wind, my lungs needed some inhaler when I got home.

I have been writing quietly in warm quiet room and watching Buffy at the same time, while the wind and rain howl and batter outside.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night as I settled to sleep, a massive thunderstorm hit, and the room kept being lit up by lightning.
Which is not condusive to sleep.
I am sure thunderstorms aren't meant to happen in January, or when I am just going to sleep.

But in the end I settled to sleep, I had a troubled night, dreaming of deceased Bishops and grieving wives and airports and hotels, also buses and strikes. Dunno what that was about but I wasn't sleeping soundly.

I woke in the dark, needing the loo, not knowing what the time was, but after a while other people were up and about, so I decided it was morning.
It was.

So I had a cuppa, and then have been witnessing just how far gullible people believe the CofE propaganda.

Now I must get on with my writing, and some tea and toast.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening.

Well peeps.
This afternoon I walked into town, once the sleet had stopped. The wind was cold but I needed fresh air.
I went into the bike shop and told them about the blue bike and they said it would cost anything from a few pounds to 10 or 12 pounds and I should bring it in on Thursday for a quote.

Then I walked down to my very first work shift in the charity shop, and I was nervous.
When I got there there was a fight going on outside, nothing to do with the shop but the manager was watching in amusement.
The manager's wife was at home sick, which was why she hadn't phoned me to confirm I would be there and so it was just me and the manager.
He is a very nice safe man, very easy to talk to, reminds me a lot of someone but I can't for the life of me remember who.
He gave me till training, and all of a sudden it all came back to me! Of course! I used to mind the Newsagents shop at the weekend when I was a student in Hampshire! I used to be left alone to sit drinking tea in the quiet shop and take the money from the people who came in for their papers, so I know how to use a till!
Peeps, it has never been on my CV or in my mind, until today. I simply remembered.

So I was on the till, serving customers, and chatting to the manager, he is a keen blogger and writer and so we found we had a lot in common and we were chatting away, and one of the other volunteers dropped by for a visit and I had met her before, so that was fine.

The manager told me about a volunteer they had once had, a retired gent, who they had thought was a decent guy, but it turned out he had been taking money and also taking goods from the shop and in the end he got caught and he only admitted to hundreds of pounds but they think it was much more. This story shocked me.
But despite that story, within an hour or so, I was left in sole charge of the shop while the manager popped out to run errands and do shopping.
He was telling his wife on the phone that I can use the till and I used to run a newsagents, which isn't quite correct, the managers of the newsagents used to leave me to mind the place on the weekend when it was quiet, that was when I was a student and as well as delivering papers for the shop, minding the shop earned me my daily bread, literally. But the thing is, the managers of the charity shop used to also run newsagents, so it is funny, there was plenty to talk about, we talked about how if the suppliers were late with the papers, the kids had to go to school and the rounds got messed up, and things like that.

So anyway, I quickly learned basic prices and the till, there is always so much to learn but I was pleased I was picking it up quickly. I was a bit anxious every time the manager left me alone to mind the shop, but it is good for my CV and confidence.
On Monday Afternoon I have to go in for extra training, after going to my horsys on Monday morning, and then I will go back and work on Tuesday again and they will step my hours up if we decide that will work.

I walked home through the bitter cold wind and sleet, and I was going to put chops on for tea but a huge pot of pasta was sitting on the table with a note on it saying 'Help yourselves' so I did as it asked and put a note saying 'compliments to the chef' on it.

Coming home from work is a good feeling, one that is noticably missing when you don't work.

Tomorrow I am due to go to a friend's house for art and lunch, she simply will not believe that I am not an artist. Haha, I am not but I like playing with art materials.
Then I have a meeting in the afternoon.

Tuesday Midday

Good Noontime,

Well I was very dizzy and tired last night, so I lay down in my comfy bed and went to sleep.
I woke in the early hours with flashbacks and severe distress.
Then I slept again and woke up late.

I had a shower and tea and toast, and have been sitting here, mainly writing.
This afternoon I will go and work in the chattery shop, all being well.
I have to walk down there because the bike is broken, and it is a bit of a walk.

The weather was bright and clear this morning, followed by gales and wintry showers and is bright again now, but with a cold wind.

Everything here is clean and tidy, which cheers me up, and I am drinking a large strong mug of tea.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

Oops, the Anything and Everything blog is reading 66602.
The Anything and Everything has suddenly shot back up in ratings and is doing better than this blog, which is normally the steady ratings one these days.

Well, I woke this morning feeling a lot better, so I did a lot of essential paperwork, and walked in the wind and rain to post it.
I thought I was OK today so I did my caretaking, then I thoroughly tidied my own place.
But by the time I had finished this evening, I was weak, dizzy and headachy again. As I still am, so I will go to bed soon.

Today I have cooked eggs and rice and chilli, and eaten some and kept the rest for tomorrow.
Tomorrow I am due to start in the charity shop.

I had to miss the horsys today due to lack of money and illness.

I am pleased with how tidy my place is, and the essential paperwork I have done.
I am more in order now. I even moved the furniture, no wonder I am dizzy.

Apparently the Dean of Jersey is 'delighted' about the letter from Dover, please send me the full article.
The problem with anyone in the church being 'delighted' is that a number of people and Bishops and priests opposed women Bishops, but every diocese in the country displayed a similar message that they were 'delighted' about women Bishops. They had to accept and be delighted with women Bishops or the government would overrule the church's power and decisions and that would not look good for the church. CofE PR is a bit flawed sometimes.

Monday Morning

Good morning peeps,
I woke up feeling a bit better, I think. No Horsys, I can't afford to see the horsys today, and the weather is really bad with wind and rain, and the bike is sabotaged so I can't bike anywhere anyway.
I feel sad about the bike, it is a harmless but rather norty bike, and it couldn't do anything to stop itself being sabotaged while I was being looked after by the welfare and had to leave the bike outside.

Someone has undone the brake cables and I couldn't put it right, it could have caused an accident.
Today I must get letters written and paperwork done and in the post.

That is all I have to do today, apart from writing, the book is 70,000 words unedited, but it is not quite finished.
And again, Church of England, the book is nothing to do with you, so don't launch on me.
Oh and I do have a bit of caretaking to do.

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well, I was well looked after at the welfare, well fed, and given a packed meal and some groceries. They only give a few groceries but it helps.
Unfortunately my bike was sabotaged while I was in there, both brake cables. So no brakes, I walked home in the cold wind.

I was OK-ish, dizzy sometimes, but I am glad I was well enough to get to the welfare.
However, with the bike out of action and no money, in such a rural place, I am a bit stumped.

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

I am sitting in bed. I have a headache.
I did peanut butter on toast for breakfast, I have no butter, but peanut butter is great on its own on toast.
I am watching buffy, I can't do much writing as I am muzzy headed and tired.
I did sleep through the night, and dreamed of the church of england, lots of fat Bishops in a meeting.
In a few hours I will try and go down to the welfare to get my meal and groceries.

The sun is shining but the wind has brought part of someone's greenhouse into the garden and I am not sure what to do about that.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Saturday Evening

Good evening,

Well I stayed sick in bed most of the day, and eventually wandered into some clothes and caught the bus to town and to church.
The sea was still rough but not as wild as it was earlier apparently.

I went to vigil Mass. Those who don't know what that means, it is a Sunday Mass on a Saturday evening, so that means if I have a bad night or am sick or dizzy in the morning, I have been to church so I don't have to worry.
I was dizzy during Mass, I didn't dare to go up, especially as St. Joseph had come alive and was doing a little dance.

After Mass it was so cold outside, I wasn't sure I could get home, but I warmed up as I walked, and the cold night air refreshed me.
The weather is either storms or cold, alternately.
I was due to walk along the front with my social group tomorrow and get a coffee, but I cancelled, it will be very windy and I am not well.

I managed to get a loaf of bread, which was good as I have almost no food. I came home, and I had some beans to go with the bread, and a bit of peanut butter.
I will have peanut butter on toast for breakfast.

Tomorrow afternoon I will meet with the welfare, and they will give me some food and probably a hot meal and we will talk.
I am disorientated and low and ill, two moves since the lovely flat was condemned, struggling to make ends meet, things unsettled here, and I am indeed working on the progression into self-employed work, no other real options here and now after what the diocese have done and the lack of car or ability to explain four years out of work and what the hell happened.

The new life, self-employed but with backup from benefits, will not be easy, there is a mountain of paperwork, there is no guaruntee it will work out, but I have to try, because sitting around in poverty, however disabled I now am, is not working, I am open to abuse this way, open to bad tenancies, rogue landlords and tenants, remaining in the underworld that is the same as the streets underworld, but trying to find money for the rent each week, trying to find money for food, it is more expensive than sleeping rough and making use of outreach, daycentres and free food and clothing, and bins. So I can't go on sitting here in rags and shambles.
Work won't be easy, it will be more stress, but I have no choice, it is like standing on a diving board, you either jump or you go back.

I am sitting on my mattress, watching Buffy but it is nearly bed time.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks about Jersey and the churchwarden and his wife.
But last night it was Jane Fisher and the Diocese nightmares that woke me at 4am.

Saturday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I am still in bed. How inordinately lazy.
It has been so windy outside, but I haven't been outside. I have been in bed, watching Buffy and writing letters.

The sky outside is blue with sunshine after the storms, it is colder now the wind has dropped.
I have cancelled the walk I was due to go on tomorrow with a group of people.

I am ok, just knocked out by a random virussy thingy.

Friday, 9 January 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well not much to say, galeforce winds and heavy rain battering everything.
I am not well. I have been writing.
It has been quiet, thankfully.
The church have been showing off in the press again, the comments in response to the JEP and Guernsey Paper online are funny.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well it was a stormy night with gales and rain, but today the sun is shining, and that is how the weather works at the moment.
I am still unwell.

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a difficult day, paperwork and trying to sort things out while still feeling most unwell, this isn't a cold, it is a virus but it has some cold symptoms like sore throat.

I am trying to get back to work, because living on benefits and not working after four years isn't good for me, even if I am not fit for work, which sounds odd but is entirely true.
Struggling in poverty is not keeping me safe from abuse and harm to my health, and not being able to buy food when I need it is not condusive to good health, so I need to work out how to get into work while being at the huge disadvantages I am at, and still make enough to live on.

The weather remains very wet and very windy.

All I seem to write about at the moment is illness, bad weather and the DWP.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

Well I am not feeling well. I took 5HTP to sleep as I was lying there feeling ill.
I slept but dreamed sad dreams.
I really feel unwell and unable to do much.
It is raining a lot.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Wednesday evening

well today hasn't gone as I hoped.
You remember I said I felt ill the other day, I still feel ill, it is a cold-like virus, with more sore throat and temperature than anything else.
I never get colds and now I get two in a row even though the antibodies are supposed to prevent that.

I had to cut my meeting short earlier and I set out for this evening's training and got there but felt too ill.
I even slept this afternoon but still don't feel well.

It is now pouring with rain and galeforce winds.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

I woke early. My housemate was bumping about as he was preparing to go away for two months, so I got up and drank tea and wished him a happy holiday, so now there are only two very quiet people here, me and someone who only lives here part time out of necessity. The missing housemate is looking after his mother after he was ill.
So three away and two quiet people left at the moment.

I am not finding inspiration to write, so I am just ambling through my daily websites. We are supposed to be out walking on Sunday but the BBC is showing galeforce winds and rain for Sunday.

I opened the curtain to watch the dawn and the sunrise, but it is funny how opening the curtain let so much cold in, the curtains must really retain the heat.

I have had peanut butter on toast for breakfast. Peanut butter is very high fat and normally I don't have it any more. I must get back into the diet.

Yesterday the world suddenly woke up after Christmas, and I got so many texts and phonecalls I couldn't believe it.

Today I am going to a board game club, I will meet the lady who helps me, and we will talk as well as seeing how the board games club works.
And this evening I will go to training as it starts back up, and apart from that, although I am not fit for work, I am looking for work, because I need to be in therapy and the NHS don't offer anything effective and I am on the waiting list for good therapy that I will pay for, so I need to work to pay for it.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well supper was roast potatos and chops.

We had a worry earlier that one housemate had not been seen for a week and hadn't put his rent in, but he is safe and sound, randomly at his mother's house, maybe he overdid things at the new year.

I have all sorts of worries but I have been writing busily.
 By the way, how many of you read the historic part of this blog? This was written in 2011:

Tuesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I woke from sad and depressed dreams this morning, and had a shower and some peanut butter on toast with coffee.

Then I set out, did some photography and wandered, and came back to get on with writing.

It is a funny day, with storms and sunshine.
Not much else to say.