This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well the cat strolled in this morning, after I had been shouting and searching for some time, no explanation, he didn't even say hello, he just drank his milk.

Then I biked along the front, it was a lovely sunny day with the tide in and the waves all fluffy, just like yesterday.

Then I went for gym and swim.
I had a good swim, I didn't overdo the weights as I am still in pain from yesterday's workout.
I did work on the treadmill a bit, because I want to be able to run again, which I may or may not achieve but I can only try on the treadmill, building up gradually, I can't risk trying to run normally yet.

I came home, changed and went to the shop.

At the shop I was sorting stock mainly, steaming, cleaning stock, and on the till some of the time.

It was 5.30 before I left the shop, we were talking and we finished late.

Then I got the long bus route as that bus was in, it was a nice journey, with the sunset lighting up the sky and the Great Hill in a lovely glow, I could see the Great Hill for miles, towering over the Eastern Hills in the sunset and the dusk, it was another cold and clear day into another cold clear night.

I got home and have been typing, tired and aching, the cat is asleep on my bed, and I have the tv on radio this evening, Magic FM and Smooth FM.

Oh, my work boots arrived this morning, and my walking boots had arrived when I got home, so I am ready for my first full day of gardening tomorrow and getting excited about the Great Walk starting again in a month's time.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well I had a restless night. But I got enough sleep, actually I was simply so tired last night that I went to bed early, maybe that was because I simply did 50 times 25 pounds on the weights at the gym, without bothering to do sets and rests, silly girl.

I got up this morning and no meow, no sign of the cat at all, which is unusual, he likes food and fuss in the morning, he has been such a friendly cat the last few days, but quieter than usual, but he still hasn't come home this morning, which worries me as he is an elderly gent of about 16, and I have sole charge of him at the moment. OK, I am worried about the cat. I put him a saucer of milk, but no meow happened.

It is a cool clear morning, lovely, I am looking forward to a bike ride and gym and swim.
I have the shop this afternoon.

I am not supposed to talk about this, but:

How did the Dean of Jersey save money on flights to his sabbatical?

He got himself fired there in a canon law gun.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Well this morning I biked along the front, went to the gym, had a swim and gym.
Then I got a few groceries.
I came home and did lunch, and did some writing.
Then because it was such a lovely day, I had another bike ride along the front.
Then did more writing.

Then, although I was reluctant, I went to one of the colleges that was having an open day.

We live in an area of deprivation and high unemployent, poor health and education services, and the college isn't good.

I had never actually visited the college until tonight, and their open day wasn't much cop, it was sparse and not well put together, only a few potential full time students visiting, the adult education courses are sparse, no concessions for benefits claimants, and basically most of the handful of courses I inquired about may not run due to lack of numbers, which they told me tends to happen. Argh.
The student services were unwelcome and almost put me off altogether, but the online courses people were nice, and we had a good chat, again no concessions, but they do some good courses, and they said that they will genuinely see about getting horticulture courses running, as I will register and I know others will, there is no horticulture training in the district.

Anyway, that ended up taking my whole evening, so nothing else has got done, and now I am home I have ended up accidentally cooking a roast chicken dinner.
The cat is asleep on my bed, I gave him the used margarine tub earlier and he couldn't believe it! I don't think anyone ever gave him a margarine tub before, it is good for cats to have that, it is good for their fur.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Welcome to my new reader from Canada.

Yesterday I got home from the shop, hung the bed linen to dry, quickly cooked some pizza, and went to the gym.

I had a quick gym session, it was busy up there.

Then I came home, hoovered and mopped the house, cleaned the bathrooms, and put the bins out. I also put my clothes in the wash as all three jumpers needed washing and my best jeans had a stain on them.

Then I did my music practice.

I slept restlessly, despite the clean and fluffy bed linen.
I dreamed a lot, including dreaming that I was meeting the Jersey bloggers and press, and one of the bloggers was helping me as I was panicky and all over the place.
As far as I know, the diocese or deanery has gagged the press, so they will never interview me.

I woke at 5am, no sign of the cat, I went to the loo, and then went back to bed to doze, left the door open for the cat but there was no sign of him.

When I woke from my doze, I was worried, normally the cat makes a lot of fuss in the morning, wanting food and attention, and he would normally be walking all over the bed and meowing, he is an elderly cat, although he doesn't act elderly, he still thinks he's a kitten, but with no sign of him, I was worried, so I went to the kitchen, but he was just sitting there quietly, and all he did was meow quietly, there is no sign that he is ill, but maybe he went hunting last night and was lucky or something.
Anyway, I offered him a saucer of milk, I think the experts say don't do that, but cats have always had milk since the dawn of time, and it doesn't kill them, so he drank some milk and sat in the sun and then went out again.

It is a sunny day, so I will bike down to the front and bike along.
I may do some grilled bacon sandwich first.

Today I have nothing to do, as my first day on the volunteer gardening team has been postponed to Friday, and I am still waiting for my work boots anyway. So I will do things like bike, gym, swim, and paperwork. It is a fine sunny day.

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

I am sitting in the shop.
It has been a steady day.

Earlier I got promoted to helping the driver.
We went to collect a very heavy cabinet.
It is a bright cold day, a nice day to be out.
I am now sitting in a quiet shop. Having sorted all the stock donations including what mum brought in.
Tonight I have housework and gym.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I woke up because the cat was walking all over me and meowing anxiously, normally my housemate is up early and feeding the cat and making a fuss of him, but as she is away, the cat decided to tell me I was the replacement.

I got up, it is a nice sunny, breezy day, and I got on with paperwork and housework, and put the bed linens in the wash and had a shower.
I was going to go to the gym, but I haven't got a pound coin, or that's my excuse, I will go this evening.

I have about half an hour before I go to the shop, and I am idling instead of getting on with work.

Oh yes, I turned the lamp on in my sleep again, what on earth? I was having vivid dreams, but why the lamp?!

Monday, 2 March 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I went to collect my mum, and for once I was late, not early, because despite being up very early, I was writing and didn't set out really early.

I got Mum, and we came back, we were going to go to our favourite cafe, but it was closed, so we walked along the shore to the beach cafe where I sometimes have a cuppa, we had bacon sandwiches as they had no jacket potatos.

Then we came home and sat and talked, strangely enough, we ended up talking about Bailhache and the Jersey Inquiry, we don't normally talk about things like that.

Oh it was so funny, we got on the bus, and I was going 'hurry up, Mother!' as I sometimes do, because the driver was parked back from where he usually does, and the cars were queuing, but the driver said 'No need to rush, mother! Your daughter is too impatient!'.
We laughed.

So, we had a nice day. We dropped some things off at the charity shop, Mum had brought them over. She also brought over some new slipper socks for me, which I am now wearing.

I realised when we got to my house, that I had done a post this morning, and then it hadn't posted, so I posted it this afternoon.
Then it was time to return my Mum to her transport. It is an 8 bus ride day for me, and I did get up very early.

Now home, I am watching the Simpsons and I did sausages for tea.

The cat is having a mad half hour, attacking the rugs and mats.
Well we did wind it up earlier by putting my toy giraffe as if he was eating the cat food.

I saw a lovely sunset on the way home, and it is a cold clear night, I was glad to get home.

Monday morning

Good morning,

I had a restless night, more nightmares about my family.
I managed to switch the lamp on in my sleep again! Weird! My sister once sleep walked to switch my alarm clock off and never remembered doing so.

I woke bright and early or dark and early, with my housemate preparing to fly off, and the cat watching with interest.

I got up and did some writing, and eventually had breakfast and a shower.
I just need to get dressed and head off to collect my Mum, two bus rides away.

It is a bright and breezy day.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

I didn't get to church today.
I went for a bike ride along the front, it was bright and breezy with a rather rough sea.
Then I did some chicken and rice for lunch.
I have been writing, and watching movies, and reading.
The cat has kept me company, I will have to tip him off my pillow in a minute.
I went to the welfare, and guess what, they had chicken and rice there. And delicious cup cakes.
I went riding the buses, then came home.

Tomorrow I have to be up early to collect mum, but my house mate has to be up even earlier as she is flying home for a week.
The wind is howling round the house, the wind really makes a lot of noise here.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

I had nightmares through the night about my 'family', that is, the family I grew up with and am estranged from, I only want to be estranged, but I still dream about them, because I grew up with them.

Usually my Dad is in my dreams, because I didn't actually know my family without my Dad, I was estranged from them from the time they bickered and fought at and after the funeral.

I woke a few times in the night, and at some point I turned the lamp on and slept again, I woke again and went to the loo, and when I woke the third time, the cat had let himself in and was curled up beside me, purring, and then my housemate came in, she had been out all night, how norty :)
She is preparing to fly home early tomorrow morning, so me and the cat are alone until Wednesday or Friday or something, not that we mind.

I won't go to church this morning.
I may go this evening.
I may also go to the welfare.

The weather is almost fair, with a strong breeze, so I will go down to the sea.
Mum says she isn't too well but hopes to be well enough by tomorrow to come over.

You know how you wake up and feel glad to be where you are? Yes, I felt that way this morning, I always do. I can't see the sea from my room, but the land slopes down towards it and you know it is there, waiting.
I can see a bit of sea from the bathroom, and I tell people I see the ships floating past the bathroom window.

Today this song seems good:

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Saturday evening

I am alone in the house and the wind is howling round the doors and chimneys.

This morning I went and collected my bike.
The weather was rainy but I biked to the front and looked at the sea, which was wild and rough.

Then I biked home and have spent most of the day quietly writing, reading and watching films, including Nanny McPhee, and Best Exotic Marigold, which has just finished.
I missed 'The Theory of Everything' Which is a pity, it is so well done, very sensetive.

The cat has kept me company, rudely washing itself on my bed and walking on my paperwork.

The weather has been bad all day, and I get very nagged about going out in the bad weather after all my illness, so all I have done is wander round to the shop, wearing my coat for once.

Tomorrow is due to be another quiet day for me, unless anyone randomly trashes it by contacting me or any more harm from the church of england.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,

Lazy weekend to you,

Two sleeps until Mum is here.

I am tired, I have had my second late night this week, the first because I was writing and simply forgot the the time, the second last night, because I didn't get back from the Samaritans until late, the only Samaritans are in town, about 8 miles away.

I woke this morning to a grey and rainy morning, so unlike yesterday.
The cat is washing himself in his basket, he doesn't leave his basket so much since I washed his blanket.

I have to collect my bike from Al within the next few hours, but it is not bike riding weather.

I have this song on repeat even though it is not Easter yet, sometimes only God can bring comfort:

Hallelujah! Not as orphans!
My Mum says I am not an orphan, I became adoptive in February 2011. Would you believe it is four years ago now! And the Diocese did try to take her from me, just as they have taken everyone from me. But that time, they nearly succeeded but didn't.

Friday, 27 February 2015

Friday night

What a funny Day.
It started with me dozing in an unsually relaxed and comfortable way. with the phone waking me gently by cheeping.
Then I was doing various things for the landlady,
then council, gym, shopping, all felt a bit different,
especially in the mild sunshine.
Then talking to an old friend and hearing new things,
I guess I was a bit shocked with some of what she said.

Then talking to Mum.

Mum was funny, telling me that I am adoptive, not orphan, and as we approach Easter:
'Allelujah! Not as orphans!

and then telling me about how she doesn't like the new roundabout where they live and she has complained and been told in reply it is EU regulations.
She said she was tempted to do something about the roundabout herself, so I said 'well if you lot are going to be hoodies and trash your town and lead me me and I will come and join in!
Haha, they are respectable citizens.

And then I have been into town and been to the samaritans, don't worry, those of you who thought I was feeling better, I am.
But I have only just got home in the rain and freezing wind.

Friday Afternoon

Good Afternoon,

Well, I went to the council for my food vouchers.
Then I had a good gym session. No fatigue or pain, but I will be tired this evening.
Then I went to the shop to use some food vouchers. I got some reduced flowers, perfectly good but reduced price.
So when I got home, loo roll, flowers, clean laundry, everything is domestic bliss.

I cooked lunch and stroked the cat as he lay in the sun on the decking.
After lunch I was off out again.

I took the bike, had a bike ride along the front, and then dropped the bike off at Al's place for repair, I will collect it tomorrow.

Then I went in the library, and got a few more books, as if I have time to read them!
I met my old friend in there, and she is doing better but I am always reminded by her problems, that my problems are nothing in comparison.
At least things are a bit better for her.

I stood and watched the sea for a while, and then I got the bread, which I had forgotten, and a candle from a charity shop.

I have a quiet weekend, well, there is no such thing, I always have a lot to do.

I was just chatting to Mum on the phone, she is coming over and she wanted to know if the shop would like some jumpers, oh yes, we would like jumpers for the shop.
Mum met my shop people when she came over a few weeks ago, it was mutual liking, I think.

congratulations new reader from Norfolk, you win a pipe cleaner.
I am not sure people that far from civilization would know what one is.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Well I managed to get to sleep at last last night, I rubbed muscle rub into my neck and shoulders, and put my dressing gown under the pillow to provide extra support, and then I slept.

I woke this morning with the sun shining through the window and the phone chirruping cheerfully to itself, I thought it was mum, telling me what time she would be over on Monday, but it was my landlady, who works away from home but does live here, allegedly. She said she wasn't coming home this weekend so could I check the post and do the cat feeder, so I did that.
The cat happily helped me to fill the cat feeder, or rather he kept diving in there and scattering food all over the place and chasing it.
I put his clean blanket back in his bed and now he is asleep there, one happy cat.

It is a bright cheerful day out there, and I will have a walk along the bay, go to the gym and pick up some food vouchers from the council soon.
I am all showered and fed and there are no flashbacks, no illness, no tiredness at the moment.
I have a website to build, but that is nothing to do with church or abuse, so don't set the diocese wailing again.

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well I washed everything in sight, including the cat's blanket, the cat is very norty, he saw me taking his blanket and he swiped my leg as if to say 'Hey! That's mine!' He has a reputation for wild swiping, and occasionally he bites, but he is not mean, just kind of became like that from experience, much the same as me, I swipe because I feel hurty and frightened and have bad memories too.

Then I went out to the Jazz concert with my housemate and her friend. It was ok, none of us are really jazz fans but we like music, and they go regularly and know everyone, so it was good to meet new people. They tell me that they go because our town is pretty dead. But me not being a social animal, so to speak, I do not notice the deadness, I socialize in my own way, that doesn't involve much people.

Anyway, we didn't stay out long as my housemate is tired and she is flying home for a week next week, so she needed some sleep, so we came home, the cat is asleep in his fluff, which he often spreads round the house, his blanket is drying on a radiator.

I have been working on various things and I did try to sleep but ended up awake again and restless, so I am back on the computer.
I have been thinking about the Jersey care inquiry, and I wanted to write about that, to add to the already very good blogs and letters going round and further promote them.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

This morning I was bored and aimless and anxious as usual, it is a morning thing.
I was worried about money, but it seems to be turning out better than hoped.
Mum texted to say she will be over on Monday.

I only had a short shift scheduled at the shop today, 2-5pm.
So I headed for the shop eventually, and once I was there, I mainly worked with stock, with a few breaks to do the till while the boss went to do this and that in town.

My colleague seems to have been so inspired by my clothes steaming session that she had done everything else on the rails and so there was no steaming to do, so I sorted donations out instead, made the boss lots of strong tea, and generally tidied the stock room and made sure everything in the shop was in place, tidy, labelled.

The rainy weather meant that the shop was quiet, and the boss told me I could call it a day at about 4.15, so it was a very short day.

I still like the feeling of 'After Work', so I stopped at the co-op and got some milk and other things.
Then I came home, and put my washing on.

I forgot all about the Simpsons tonight, I started doing the housework and also the money work, thankfully the money situation is a bit better than I thought, and the council said they will give me some food vouchers to help with the adjustment.

My housemate came home, and she wants me to go out to a jazz concert with her and her friend tonight, so OK, I will go. What is a jazz concert?

Ah, because the money is better than I hoped, I was able to order some work boots and walking boots from Amazon, well, it depletes my low income a bit, but to be honest, the workboots are an investment in my future, and the walking boots are essential as another pair of un-supportive cheap trainers wear out and I am preparing for my next Great Walk.

I actually wrote on my note block at work the other day that I was doing the walk and people needed to donate their Easter chocolate to keep me going, and today I was handed the note block and my colleague had written on it 'I will deliver you to your starting point and collect you at the end point each day'.

Which is great, because last time, if you recall, I was staggering back to bus rides lasting an hour or two each day when I could hardly walk at the end of the day, and then up early in the morning to set off for the next start point. of course when I was sleeping rough, I never had to do that, because I slept where I fell each night and continued from there the next day.
The walk starts on Easter Monday, giving me the double anticipation of Easter and the Walk.
Ah, and I might have a Birthday this year, seeing as the Diocese are now running too short to crucify me when I am 33, actually I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that one.

Those who are new or unfamiliar to my Great Walk, it is a 70 mile annual trek for charity, normally in the autumn, to give a charity a Christmas Present of money, but this year I am doing an extra walk, for the charity that I work for.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

A few people asking if I am coming to Jersey today.
No, it was a flexible proposal, it can be any day.
I have a half day shift at the shop today anyway,
and to me, that is more important than fat loud people in Jersey.
And by the way, I am doing another Great Walk at Easter, for my charity.

It is raining outside.

I slept reasonably well, did have nightmares about the churchwarden and the Dean and Jersey, which are quite rare as my memory still represses all that even from dreams most of the time, but I woke without any flashbacks at all, and to be honest, I am lively and have some energy, although I may need one saline aspiration, but even all that is so much better now.

I am really worried about money at the moment, spot me £100 would you? :) It's da rent that takes da moneyy!

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I just discovered the anthem of the Deanery of Jersey, I never knew they knew Genesis (oops!)
Here is is:

Well, it was a slow start as usual. I am on 5HTP twice a day, but it is not that easy to overcome this.
I went out for a walk along the bay, but I felt tired and achy.
So I came home and did paperwork and eventually I put 'A night at the museum' on to watch, and the cat was asleep on my orthapedic pillow, and I did the tidying and cleaning and some music practice.

My housemate wanted me to go out to a quiz, and I wanted to go to the gym, but I did neither, I was going to stay in, but in the end, I went out riding on buses, which is therapeutic and can cause an attention shift that helps me to re-balance.

It was on the bus that I heard a number of memory songs and the Deanery's anthem as above.

I just got in, and I think I will go to bed soon.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well I woke up ill, but I can do nothing about the stress from the church, I cannot afford a proper head support, I have to wait until April to get a new gum shield, which may help, because I grind my teeth even during the day now, because of the stress of the Church of England.

I was having nightmares as well, but woke without lasting flashbacks.

I have a free day, there won't be many more of these in the future if I go ahead as a volunteer gardener. Because between the shop and the gardening, and eventually part time paid work if I am lucky, I will be working all the time, it is only the church that will sabotage my work, again, with their henious attacks on my life and character.

I have had a raft of painkillers and still barely feel like facing the world.
Having no money doesn't help.

I have eaten odds and ends, I just need to shower and get dressed.

It feels like there is absolutely nothing to live for, but don't jump in and claim I am suicidal, I gave up on that years ago, I died years ago, this is hell.
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Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well, I am tired and miserable.

This morning I actually woke up ok, and I had done a packed lunch, so I set off for an interview to do volunteer gardening at one of the district's local attractions, which is quite a nice estate.
I got there well in time, and had a nice chat and a walk round, and I start next week, subject to boots and paperwork. The paperwork will only be wrong because of the diocese of winchester if it is.

Rather than go home and come out again, I got the bus and went to the shop. The boss looked at his watch and I said I was only two hours early and the other boss said I can do extra when I want! But the boss was only joking when he looked at his watch and he laughed and said 'Most people come in and say they are only two hours late!' And a customer laughed too.

so that was a good start, and I did some sponsored pedalling, did a load of clothes steaming and various other things, and in the end I did nearly a whole working day at the shop as well as getting through the interview first thing.

The only trouble is, I am having a bad flashback patch, as you  will have noticed from recent blogs, and it throws rationality out the window and I suffer severe distress and what would be clinical depression if I felt this way full time, but as far as I know, I no longer suffer full time depression, which, all things considered, is really odd.
But the flashbacks destabilize me, and they are not just during waking hours, they come as nightmares that wake into flashbacks, which I can assure you is deeply scary and horrible, the psychologist was quite concerned when I used to tell him about these episodes.

I came home just wanting to go to bed, I have made myself eat and bathe, although I didn't really feel like either, or getting out of the bath after bathing.
I will now go to bed and hope that I feel slightly more calm in the morning.

Tuesday Morning

A sunny morning with better weather forecast, well, windy better weather.

I am up, after a slightly restless but not terrible night.
I am groggy because I took 5HTP, but I am not distressed or ill.

Which is good as I have a lot to do today.

The Open letter to the Dean was reading 666 this morning, that is, in stats.

Monday, 23 February 2015


Where is my heritage?
I look with tears in my eyes
at an array of pictures of places I lived
as I was growing up

There are no photographs
there is no family
there cannot be a more incoherent heritage
than the one I am trying to piece together


Good Monday,

Well the day started badly, it is always difficult to explain, but trauma means that I have nightmares that go into vivid waking dreams, which go into flashbacks, and I am going through a phase of that at the moment.

So I struggled awake, depressed and with a headache.

I was due to go either to the stables or the asthma clinic this morning, double booked, and I ended up going to neither.
Then there was a massive hailstorm, and the hail lay on the ground like snow, the cat sat at the door, looking puzzled, so I picked it up and explained hail to it and put it on the windowsill to consider this.

Eventually I crawled out of the house, heading for the gym, then I met someone from church and ended up chatting, I got to the gym and did a very gentle circuit, but I kept ending up with head down and eyes closed, which means I shouldn't really be out.

I came home, remembered I was supposed to meet with the boss at the charity shop and thus be there early for my training afternoon. So I ate my lunch, which I had prepared as a packed lunch because I should have been at the stables, and I set off for the shop.
The boss had forgotten he and I were going to have a meeting, so we re-scheduled for 'some time in the week' and I simply stayed on in the shop and did my training. I am now reasonably proficient in steaming clothes, so I am now a more useful volunteer, as almost all clothes suitable for sale have to be steamed.

I was still so tired, so I was relieved to finish for the day, then I grabbed some library books and groceries and got the bus home.

I got home and no-one else was home, and the four letters on the mat were all to me.

I opened the first letter and it was a 'New Home' card from friends, and it said in it 'May only happiness come through your door'.
I opened the next letter and it was a £10 gift voucher from Sainsburys!
And the next two letters were the DWP talking gibberish, as they do.

Then I had a message from the lesser spotted landlady from my old home, because she had been expecting me to pop round and collect an armchair, and I had forgotten.
So I headed round there and we walked round to the old house, which looked so forlorn and empty, with the for sale sign in the front garden.
The chair was not my old day chair, but is very similar, small and neat, just right for the small space I have for a much needed armchair.
The landlady's friend helped me carry it some of the way and then I just carried it the rest of the way, and sat on the pavement in it to rest when I needed to, everyone round here knows me, so they weren't at all surprised.

Then I did sausages and played with the cat, the cat likes to play a game called 'swipe you from the stairs' but it has the unfair advantage of claws!

Finally I have had a nice shower and washed my hair.

Justin Welby has made a fool of himself by not doing his research, as usual.

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I had a quiet afternoon, paperwork, music practice, watching Buffy, writing.
Last night's dream inspired me to ask my old landlady if she still had my day-chair from the flat, she said she hadn't but she had another chair that I can have! I really need an arm chair of some kind, rather than sitting at the desk or laying on the bed.

Then I went to church this evening, it was ok, the weather is dreadful and was battering the church during the service.

I have had a bath and done some prep for tomorrow,

I am tense and anxious as usual.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Well last night I re-arranged my bedding, and I had put the princess blanket in the wash in case it is causing an allergic reaction.
To my surprise, I slept through the night without waking.
I did dream though, and before I woke, I was dreaming sadly that I was back at the old house, the one that was condemned, I dreamed I was there and the other tenants were there but I knew we were not supposed to be there.
I also dreamed I was abroad, mountain climbing, which was nice.

Then I woke, and I felt tired and I wasn't breathing well, so I had to do the dreadful saline, which makes me sick.
I got up and did tea, and showered, dressed, made the bed.

Then I decided not to go to church as I was tired. I biked down to the bay, but it was so windy it made my ears ache and I got too tired, so I came home and have been reading, and writing, and the cat has nicked my orthapedic pillow and gone to sleep on it, haha, rude cat.

I still want to go to the gym, believe it or not. But I do not want to go to the welfare or anywhere. I may go to church this evening.

I am in a way, who I was in Jersey and before, and in a way I am not that person. I am obsessively clean and tidy since I left the streets, and I think in a slightly different way, I tell the Church of England how disgusting they are without swearing. I am not out of my mind like I was, and yet I am under huge stress from the Church of England still, just as I was before. I am not dependent as I was with Juliet and George and Jill, and thus I do not get into the same difficulties of people taking me over and then blaming me when their miracle cures of me do not work. In fact I am fiercely independent. And my relationship with my adoptive mum is totally different from my relationships with old church people who took me over.

I suppose some good came out of the bad, but the price to pay was too much, I would have been better learning how to relate to people and look after myself through good therapy. Which still isn't available, as there is nothing on the NHS and I am still well below the poverty line with the benefits I have to live on.

It is a cold and windy, wet day, possible snow is forecast.

Saturday, 21 February 2015


Good Saturday evening,

I am typing fluently in the dark as most of the power is out here, but me and the cat don't care, I have a cup of tea, and the cat has my duvet :)

The power does go out sometimes here. But the house went cold since it went out, so I hope it comes back on later.

I have spent the day in the usual hopeless anxiety and restlessness that the recent Jersey fiascos caused, which continues to affect me. But earlier I cleaned the kitchen, hoovered downstairs, and took my library books back.
Then I walked along the bay, and as I walked home, I met my old lesser spotted landlady, who stopped for a chat.
I never realised that one of my housemates there caused her so much trouble until she told me today. She is just getting the house ready for sale at last.
Anyway, it was nice to see her, and she told me I should drop by for a cuppa sometime, it is funny, she only lives a few streets away from me, so in the end, after all the upheaval, I only moved a few streets away from what would have been my forever home if the council hadn't condemned it.

Anyway, I  came home and cooked spaghetti cheese, which I haven't had since childhood, and I cooked chicken snacks too.

Then after idling around, watching Buffy and feeling low, useless, anxious and uninspired, I went to the charity shop, and spent some time there with the volunteers, and did some sponsored pedalling on the exercise bike, which we as a team, take turns at.
Then a volunteer gave me a lift home, and she was on her way to the Chinese festival, which all my gang are at, but I cannot afford to go.

So I got reduced stuff at the shop and took photos of a wonderful rainbow against a very dark sky.

And as I tried to relax, read the local and at least try to write, as well as doing my music, the lights went out.
Haha, they are still out, I must put my luminous rosary round the cat's neck so I don't trip over him.
Err, a black cat wearing a luminous rosary? :) he does like to trip me up though!

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Saturday morning. I slept reasonably well, woke at 1am, then slept again, but I was trapped in vivid and not very nice dreams into this morning.

I got up and just me and the cat were home, and I laughed at the cat for leaving it's leg in the air when it looked up while washing itself.

I am doing a project called heritage, which is a series of photographs of towns I lived in as I grew up. Those of you who know me know I had a travelling upbringing so I have many photos to do.

Someone has published my second letter to the Bishop on Open Letter, but why have they put a picture of him in a pornographic cassock? He looks whacko anyway.

I just had to use saline to clear my breathing, yeughh, horrible, it makes me gag. But I am a bit better again today.

What people do on the bay on Saturdays: Bacon sandwich and a walk along the front, I think I will do that.

Oh, I did my music practice last night and made good progress, undoubtaedly not good enough for the Lihous to boast about yet, but what matters is not being a production line object of boasting and one upmanship, what matters is that I am doing what I would like to do and at my own pace, and after losing my music and keyboard when I was deported from Jersey, actually finding the strength to start again and proceed.

It is a fairly fine day, so I will have a wander down the bay.

Friday, 20 February 2015

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well I have been having flashbacks today, which de-stabilizes me slightly, and not being well doesn't help.

I went into the next town and did some shopping and went to the bank. I also went in church and lit candles and prayed. I felt very old when I tried to stand up and walk out of church, I felt too tired to be out and my joints ached.

I came home, did chicken and carrots and homous for lunch, I have very little energy. I had a nice bath and read a book.
Then I walked down to the library and returned three books and then walked along the bay. The tide was out, but there was water and sand everywhere from the massive spring tides, that I have missed seeing.
I saw a lovely sunset.

I came home and I am tiredly mooching around, while the cat is asleep on my princess blanket.

I have spray to help me breathe, but it is horrible. But I can breathe, even if everything tastes of saline now.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well I had a bad start to the night as I couldn't breathe properly when I was trying to sleep, I had to keep getting up and doing everything I could to ease my breathing.
Eventually I drifted into dreamless sleep.
I woke this morning to a rainy day. No charity work, nothing really on the task list.
So I did a few emails, and I will probably nip into town to the bank, nip nip, and go for a gentle gym session, as I am not happy that illness is still stealing my gym and swim from me.

I put my washing on, and my room is tidy, I think it is a day when I get anxious about having so little to do and try to worry about everything I cannot do.
Anxiety. It is a great burden, I wonder what life is like without it.

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon peeps,

I had another slighty troubled night and woke from a vivid dream to find I felt a bit better, still not 100%.
I went through the usual routines and then went to drop something off before work, the sea was wild with big waves.

I came to work, was left in charge, not feeling 100% And then I had the customer from hell to deal with.
She came in, and started asking questions, demanding to see jewellery, and distracting me from marking stock.
I couldn't get rid of her, and she was rude, patronizing and ridiculing me, and eventually I phoned the boss, who said this sounded like a distract-thief, and at the same time, this woman left, and it turned out she was a thief, two items were missing.
I was very upset by that, as I am not feeling good. The bosses say it happens to everyone, even them.

It is a wet rainy day.
I am tired and discouraged.

never mind eh.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog.
I had another bad night and woke up unwell.

I had a bad morning, but I just went through my usual WRAP course list of breakfast, shower, make the bed, get dressed etc.
Eventually I went out, only up to the surgery and pharmacy to get my prescriptions, and the surgery made me an appointment for the afternoon.
So I went home, did some chicken for lunch and did some paperwork, before going back to the surgery.

So now I have some tonic but no gin, and another appointment next week, and yet again I had to cancel my volunteer training for the afternoon.

I had some tonic and then, as usual, I gained more energy as the afternoon wore on, and so I have been doing housework, paperwork, lists, laundry, and everything.
I left my music lessons until late and now I am too tired really.

I must finish for the day and get to sleep.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I was so very tired at work, I finished at 3.30pm, stopped to get cough medicine and some food, and came home.
I did put myself to bed as I felt utterly exhausted, but I didn't sleep. The cat was delighted at the idea of me being in bed in the daytime and he curled up on my legs with his engine running.

After about an hour, I was still awake, so I got out of bed without moving the cat, who stayed curled up on the duvet, and I started doing housework, just slowly at first, but as time went on, everything was tidy and clean and hoovered, the bins were out for the dustmen in the morning, and I had done some delicious sausages for supper.

Then I had a shower, did some music and keyboard practice, and some French practice, as if time was turned back and I was in Jersey again, on my learning curve.

Then my housemate came in with pancakes. I can assure you that pancakes with honey and yoghurt are delicious.

It is funny how I was exhausted today and could hardly hold my head up in the shop, and now I am so lively that it is way past my bed time and I am still up, reading my autocorrect book :)

Mum keeps texting, why is she up at this time as well? :)  harhar, I missed such a lovely sunny day because I was ill, but I will see more lovely weather tomorrow and get to enjoy it.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

I woke up feeling ill and have not got any better.
I walked down to the sea this morning, and it was so utterly beautiful in the sunshine, with the Great Hill clear and bright against the light blue sky, I cried for joy that I am back where I am happy, and I thanked God.

I came into work, and we have had so many donations that I have been busy sorting stock as well as working the till, and it has been a good day for sales as well.
But I am not well, so I am finishing in 45 minutes and going home to bed. I have cancelled my evening's outing too.

I know I am ill because my head keeps wandering off to try and sleep, when I need to be awake in the shop, but the bosses are OK about letting me off early.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

I had another unsettled night, and woke feeling ill, to a bright and sunny day.
I am just having a coffee and have been doing some music, and now I will gather things to work on while I am at the shop, and I will walk down to the beach and then I will get the bus to the shop, as I will be at work for midday.

Then this evening I will be going out on a so-called ghost walk, round the Castle with my gang, blah, crazyme!
I really need time at home as I am tired and have so much to do, but I will have most of tomorrow at home to get things done. I wish I didn't feel so tired and so unwell.

Please send me a pancake with golden syrup :)

Monday, 16 February 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

I am too tired to write, but the NAS have taken to viewing this blog regularly as well as the other one, to see how many metaphors I use (shedloads).

Yesterday evening, after finding out that the Dean was demanding his whitewash report, I went to the welfare, had a meal and some tea and pudding, chatted to various people and came home.

I was unsettled and distressed so not much of my planned writing got done, I never finished my short story for the competition.

I didn't sleep well and woke up ill this morning, so I had to leave a message for the stables to say that I wouldn't be in for equine therapy, otherwise known as 'seeing my horsys'.

The stables emailed me later saying I had managed a clear answerphone message and they were pleased ( because they know I can struggle with both kinds of dysphasia and slurring my words, and their answer machine isn't always clear).

I was deeply sad to miss my horsys, the stables always tell me that I should try to come in if I feel bad as it should help me, but not this morning, I was too ill.

But I am not good at sitting around, so I did as I learned on the WRAP course and started my tasks, slowly and surely, getting myself showered and dressed, doing bacon and eggs, making the bed and generally getting on with things as the weather turned bad.

I biked along the seafront, and it was deserted in the rain and gloom, after a weekend of sunshine and crowds of people out there. I was so tired and ill that I had to push the bike home though, and I just wanted to go back to bed.
But I stayed awake, and I wrote an Open letter to the Dean of Jersey, and circulated that. It is available on the other blog.

I felt better after that.

I had been due to do more training in steaming clothes at the shop this afternoon, but I had cancelled it because I had though that that as well as horses in the morning and going out in the evening would be too much for me, so I had no horses and no training, and the training was now due on Wednesday, so I ended up with a quiet day to recover, and although I really didn't feel like it, I did go out to join my friends this evening.

I hadn't even been to the gym or picked up my prescriptions today.

I set out on the bus to meet my friends, the bus stop I got off at was near where I was to go, but being unfamiliar with the place, I lost my way a bit, bumped into some nice people also lost and seeking the same place, and together we found the place.
My friends were waiting and a chair was waiting, which was good, as the place got crowded.

Well, we had an awesome time! :) This was an astronomy event. The leader came in saying that no matter what they did, the weather was always bad on the day and only on the day, we had a lovely weekend and tomorrow is due fine, but this evening the weather was miserable.
The leader gave a stunning talk, it was awesome, and then, to everyone's delight, the sky cleared for long enough for us to view the constellations by telescopes of various sizes and strengths, and we were able to ask questions and get information.

After a few hours, I was tired and wanted to get the bus, as they only run every hour. So I had a cuppa and chat with my gang, and then headed home, stopping at the supermarket for provisions, and here I am exhausted and for some reason procrastinating about going to bed. The cat doesn't mind, because he wants to keep the bed all to himself.

I am so tired these days, and yet, I am due out again tomorrow night, and now I have been roped into a quiz on Thursday night.
Tomorrow I am working at the shop, and I have taken up my music practice again since I got the keyboard, so life is very full, and yet the Church of England are putting everything I do and my whole new life at risk of being destroyed.
Tell them off would you?

Sunday, 15 February 2015

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I slept ok, vivid dreams that faded to nothing, woke needing the loo, slept again, woke in the early morning with the cat pestering me for food, eventually got up and got tea.

Sunday is all lazy in the sunshine and cool wind, a good day to be lazy, and I am exceptionally tired today despite a good night's sleep. Tired with a slight headache and tight muscles, and occasionally my stomach turns over. Maybe I got sick, dunno why, I think the tiredness may be from the virus, I am tired by 9pm, ready to sleep, and I am out like a light when I go to bed, but today I am more tired than usual.
I did get a lot done yesterday though.

One of my worries is that now I have started writing seriously, my brain is full of writing, ideas and inspiration and worries about how to portray things and of course, being sued for the more serious books that will be written later, maybe I should worry about that when the time comes :) but because I am autistic, I go into overdrive easily.
There is a short story deadline tonight at midnight and I doubt I will even get an entry in.

I went to church, I decided to pop into the church round the corner, they know me vaguely and I know them vaguely, they know me as someone who photographs their festivals, mainly, I have attended one service there before, and they always invite me to attend.

My beloved churches here have been saying I am most welcome back, and they say it while buying me cookies, which is far too persuasive, but a change is as good as a rest, and I had been thinking about a rest before I even went away for a month. So I will go back to them, of course, in time, but I still have the after effects of the church of England's treatment of me, which means I sometimes need a break from being close to church people.

Anyway, the service this morning was powerful, emotional and food for thought.
Then there was a cuppa and various people saying it was good to see me and I am welcome, which is always good in a church, and of course they remember me doing photography at the festivals.

It is a lovely day, and people will be out on the front, enjoying walks, so I will bike down after lunch, I will do chops and potatoes and carrots for lunch and Eton Mess for pudding (my healthy version)and I will grab a shower with some coal tar to get the itch out. Maybe it will ease my tense muscles too.

I suppose I will go to the welfare this evening, and maybe to church too, but I have so much writing to do. And a huge book to read, well actually I have loads of books to read at the moment, I ate the library.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Saturday Evening

Good evening,

Well I have been so busy that the blog has not been updated today.

I slept well last night, vivid dreams but I remember nothing, not good dreams.

I woke this morning and went straight into office mode, writing letters and cards and doing the redirection order.
Then I had a shower and did bacon and eggs. Put a short wash in the machine.

Then I headed for the post office to do my post office things, and then went to the computer shop, and then the supermarket and then I delivered some cards by hand. How nice to be home.
Then I had my bike ride along the front, the sea was silver and grey, and the clouds were skimming the great hill. I sat outside the beach café with a cuppa.

Then I came home, did some writing, hung my washing up, got a few things and went back out. I got the bus to town, handed something in at the charity shop, and got some library books and a few other things, the sky was spectacular with dark clouds and rainbows.

I was too late to go to the gym, so I came home, settled to writing as well as watching 'Back to the Future' and had a bath while reading my Stephen King book.

The cat is asleep on my bed, I am tired but I have so much writing to do.