This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The names of this blog and it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Friday, 27 November 2015

friday morning

Come home Bob:
The candle on the breakfast bar burns for Bob all the time, it is a blue candle today. Guiding light to bring Bob home safe.

Good morning peeps,

I am sitting here watching my pals doing the remainder of their house move, they live up the road, they are the people who gave me nice stuff from the guest house, and the new tv. I offered to help with the move but it looks like they have it all under control.
God has a sense of humour, I asked him for a television last Christmas and got one, and he thinks I need a new one every Christmas :) I am well chuffed with the DVD player though! :)
 When my pals have relocated and re-open the business, it won't be a question of nipping over the road when they call me in for work, they are relocating 8 miles away but I will still be on their phone list for when they need casual help.

Today I have a day to catch up with things and get letters and christmas cards sorted and posted etc, then I am working a delivery shift this evening, it will be busy and pressured so I hope the weather lets up.
 The drive over there always scares me because the country roads are so slippery.

This morning I fell out of bed and crawled to do the heavy local papers in the rain, then I went to the gym, my blood pressure reading was good, not in the range that is considered normal yet, but significantly lower.
I spent an hour in the gym and it was fine, no adverse affects although I have lost condition, I still got carried away with my favourite lateral pulldown :)
But my blood reading when I got home was still very good.

I have so much mundane sorting of things to do today. But the bathroom now has a curtain of sorts, and dehumidifier, and I have lengths of net curtain ready for my mum to help cut evenly when she comes over next week, everything has progressed well, after stopping progress for a long time due to lack of money.

I guess I could walk the linens and mats over to the laundry when I can find the energy to stand up again.

Next week is one of those weeks that autistic people hate, everything happening and none of it normal routine! And then it is the run up to Christmas!

It has been such a mild autumn that several of my gardens continued to need care until yesterday when I put them to bed, now I have only one garden clearance, one house cleaning job, the paper deliveries and delivery driving for work over winter.
But I have university all the time as well as work. I am going to try to catch up university but if the church go on attacking, then I may have to quit. 3 weeks left of this term and I have 3 assignments to get in if I want to stay on the course.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Thursday evening

 Come home Bob:

Good evening,

Well, there is always so much happening here at the moment

I have been at work this morning.
The weather is undecided between cold and rainy.

I have a home monitor and log book now:

Image result for monitor lizard pictures

This morning I did my gym blood pressure assessment and they gave me my new routine and instructions, it is completely scare-free, I just have to have my blood pressure checked before I exercise and then I have to avoid some of my activities if the blood pressure is too high, and I have to avoid lifting my arms above my head, apart from the lateral pulldown because I would have sulked if they banned that because it is my favourite.
The man assessing me gave me a funny look when he asked how many lateral pulldowns per set, and I said 'oh, 25 or 50!'. I used to get a bit carried away with that before the church continued their onslaught! 

And by the way, my blood pressure had already dropped to 145/100 when they measured it.
It is still dropping. It isn't normal yet but it is certainly not as dangerous as before.
The problem is, when the church and states of Jersey attack, it spikes sharply and dangerously.

You know who can be thanked for saving my life, again? Bob.
Because the repeat blood pressure crisis wouldn't have come to light if he hadn't been taken ill.
He can't help helping people, that man.

I am now on a vegeterian diet and with no cows milk, it has been more than 24 hours since I had cows milk. After a lifetime of cows milk, life will never be the same, plus the alternative stuff is expensive.

Can you imagine this? Me in the supermarket, with withdrawal symptoms from cows milk and everything and my body trying to come to terms with the meds while I tried to come to terms with the complete change of diet? Haha, a bit like when an addict goes cold turkey.
This diet costs more again :(

For the past year I have only used Bertolli, or Bertolli light when I could get it,  I have used canderel except for some sugar especially in the morning to boost my blood sugar, I have only used wholemeal bread, normally the small loaf  and not usually much bread anyway, I have used fry lite, and only to for roast potatos and to stop things sticking in the oven, I don't normally fry things, and I have been using fresh meat, fruit and veg, but the thing is, it didn't make any difference, which is why things have got drastic now.

The thing is though, now I am using Almond Milk (which is very safe but not environmentally friendly), and I have to look at what else I can eat to stay full - potatos, rice, fish, baked beans (pardon me!) eggs. The thing is, it can be done, but I have to be careful with eggs and beans because my tummy doesn't like much of that. I am not keen on pasta.
I get too worried because when I was unsure if we would be able to afford food when I was growing up, and my parents had myths about food, so I get scared of starving.
And indeed, until recently, I struggled to get food.

Anyway, I had a nice fish and rice for lunch and supper, do you remember how I used to do fish and rice a lot? :)

I am glad I can still have my cup of tea, with almond milk and candarel. Tea has been part of my life since I was a baby, I can't really cut it out, and there is no reason to, although I may start back on decaf bags for the evening rather than stopping tea at a certain time in the evening.

Next week is very busy, dentist, car service, needs assessment (and maybe a coffee with an old friend afterwards), Mum coming over, tutorials and heart scan the same day. And work and study as well.
And I want to return to the gym daily if I can.
Hm, seeing as I am having premonitions to do with my abuser and his supporting Vicar, I damn well hope the church doesn't attack during all this stuff.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Wednesday morning

Come home Bob:

Good morning peeps,

I would like to go back to bed now.
I woke up wishing I could sleep a few more hours.

I still feel that way, but I am going to do a few hours of cleaning for my friend who is poorly with cancer.

It is a cool grey day, neither rain nor frost.

Things are looking busy for the next few weeks: dentist, needs assessment, gym assessment, heart scans, new delivery driving work, new meds, etc. And then it will be the run up to Christmas. It's all too fast at the moment.

I can feel my blood pressure, I don't need to check it :( no joking, I will be checking it later.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Tuesday night

Come home Bob:

Good evening,

Well, the delivery driver training went well, I was quite happy with it.

But I feel so ill with headache and nausea. The thing is, there is no point in worrying as it will make it worse. All I can do is wait for the meds to be ready and go ahead with everything, including forthcoming hospital again, just doing everything I can.
Although the church have ruined me, I have rebuilt a certain amount of quality of life and I am still young and there are people in my life who care, so I will fight for my life, even if it seems pointless here and now.
Actually, there is a point, the church would like me dead so there is no barrier to their lying reports being published, so unless God is willing to take my life as a trade for Bob's, then I have to live for Bob's sake, so his work to save me wasn't in vain.
Sounds rant-like?

I have my self/less video on but I am barely watching it, and it is bed time.
The flat smells sweet and clean and there is a pile of clean, neatly folded laundry.

I see Gavin Ashenden is impressed with my blog again. What an unhappy little man he is.

Tuesday afternoon

Come home Bob:

Good afternoon peeps,

Well, no luck in dropping blood pressure. It needs meds. And people call it the silent killer but I can feel it in the pressure headache and nausea.

Today I have sat here watching the rain, done my housework, taken everything to the laundry, and put my new Self/less DVD on my new DVD player TV.
Did I tell you about the new tv?
It was from the guest house that is being cleared out, and it is a flat-screen, new last year, very good quality, with built-in DVD player.
They had five of them to get rid of as they are not opening a new guest house when they relocate, and they offered me one, which was so kind.
So this new tv is sitting on the chest at the end of my bed, very good for watching films, although I cant get the arial sorted yet so it is on a portable arial and I am using it for DVDs anyway.

Yesterday and this morning I watched Slumdog Millionaire, an old favourite. And when my Self/less DVD arrived I put that on and it is playing now.
Do you remember me saying Self/less wasn't really my normal type of film? It is a psychological thriller, and it does get violent but actually it is interesting, I went to see it with my mate immediately after buying Florence P. Nortycar, me and my mate sat in the pub with a pepsi talking about forensic psychology before we went into the cinema to see Self/less, and I thought how strangely similar it was to me having a new life of sorts but with flashbacks to the old life so frequently.

This afternoon I will collect my laundry and maybe post a letter or two, and then I head for town to have a nose around before I start my training for the delivery driving job.

It's funny that after three days of hard frost on the car in the morning, it was pouring with rain when I went to do the papers this morning.

I am working every day this week, one way or another. My friend with cancer is feeling weaker and more tired, although she is home, so I will be doing some cleaning for her. I have shifted some of my work to Thursday due to the blood pressure  monitor and then after this evening's training I hope to go ahead with delivery driving as well.

I also have dentist, tutorial, specialist gym blood pressure assessment to give me a safe gym routine to help lower blood pressure without risking a stroke.  And I have a needs assessment coming up, at last, this is to do with what support I need with university, if the church let me continue university in peace!
I have been back to my diet and health and fitness club and so I will continue learning good healthy cooking and recipes and things there as well as watching my weight, and no it isn't weightwatchers, their food is plastic! :)
 I may also have another heart scan to see how the blip is doing.


 I can't remember the last few days, I am just struggling to stay on my feet and keep getting things done.

I see Gavin Ashenden is raving about the Lord's prayer and intolerance, would he listen to himself?!
Doesn't he see his attacks on abuse survivors and vulnerable and minority groups as intolerant?

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Saturday night

come home Bob
The candle is burning to bring you safe home.

Good evening peeps,
And good news.
For me anyway.
As you may have read, I went ahead with interview yesterday...and was offered the job this evening.

I train on Tuesday evening and then in at the deep end for the weekend evening shifts.

Have any of you ever had  a week when your blood pressure hits 180/113 while you fall apart and then get a job? :)
I will be wearing the monitor while I do my training, I hope it doesn't try to bite anyone. Everyone assures me that I will be fine with the monitor, but only one of them is autistic and he doesn't have the same hatred for things against his skin that I do. Here's my monitor again:

Image result for pictures of monitor lizards
I had actually moved my other work shifts apart from the papers in order not to affect the monitor, but delivery driving hopefully won't affect it.

The other thing coming up is probably quite a long journey in order to have an assessment.

And the other sad news is that my friend is apparently remaining in hospital for now.
I am at a bit of a loss over that, she was hoping only to be in for a few days this time, but she didn't come home yet.  I wonder if we should share Bob's guiding light with her? But she is resolute that she knows she is going to die and doesn't mind, while all of us are absolutely sure that Bob has a chance of full recovery and the rest of his retirement actually resting and enjoying time with his family.

The weather has turned bitter cold very suddenly, but I like the feel of the cold air, I just wish I could better enjoy it.
I have spent the day doing necessary things, dropping off a card to someone nice who is not feeling well, renewing my gym card, anything that will encourage my heart and blood to calm down, the problem with gym is that they have hiked the price even of our disabled cards, to cover costs, and that and the ongoing war with the church has meant my regular gym and swim sessions simply stopped.
So, back to that and diet and fitness, anthing to encourage this blood pressure down, I must not let the church kill me through the genetic heart and blood pressure problems any more than I should give up and let their actions kill me any other way.

Anyway all the shopping is done and various bills and payments, but I still didn't manage to collect my new glasses before the optician closed.

Oh, I forgot all about this morning, I got an unexpected text, the people I did some shifts for, who are relocating texted me. I will be doing more work for them in a few months when they complete the relocation, but their other business, the guest house, needed clearing out and they had all sorts of spares that they said I was welcome to.
So my flat has two new lamps, two new hairdryers (one of them by accident), two new cabinets, two cushions which match the sofa bed perfectly, loads of towels and linens, (much needed), and various useful containers, new good quality bins, a new kettle, teapot, jug and a brand new set of glasses, plus numerous other stuff.
Aren't I a lucky girl to know such good people?
The flat really is tip-top now!

Haha, tomorrow I will do my first Christmas card. I know some people do theirs months early but I am not that daft. I have one to post for America and normally post to America takes 10 days to or from so the start of the Christmas post may slow it down and a special person over there deserves their nice card.

I don't often get to watch Father Ted as it is usually on late so as not to offend the Catholics, but tonight I have been watching it and laughing, after Doc Martin, who is my hero, along with Sheldon Cooper of course! :)

night peeps, keep the candle lit for Bob to come home.

Saturday morning

Come home Bob:

Good morning,

Well The day started with frost on the car, and on the way home the rain turned to sleet in the icy wind, I wonder if it might be winter now? At least I got the de-icer months ago, always plan everything in advance unless the church are attacking.

Normally the autumn storms start in october, followed by the cold weather, it is all late this year. And usually the Daily express shout about global warming every year when this normal weather pattern occurs! :) have they done that this year? I haven't really been reading the Express headlines as I throw the papers hopefully in the direction of their houses.

Someone needs to just sit the Daily Express down and explain radiative forcing and how the weather isn't a controlled thing to them.

I have been trying to start doing some of my university work again, yesterday.
But right now I am considering going back to bed.

I went ahead with my job interview yesterday despite everything, but no news yet. It is delivery work to tide me over the winter, just like in the old days.

The best version of Notre Dame that I can find is still Airplane, Jersey St. Clements:

Friday, 20 November 2015

Trying to get back to normal

Come home Bob.

Trying to get back to normal.
During the night I coughed in my sleep and I knew I was coughing, and I woke and got up in time to do the papers.
It is local paper day, so they were heavy. But I was OK, and it was raining hard, but I was OK, and so was Florence P. Nortycar, she didn't mind anything.

I didn't have to cough much this morning, the chest infection isn't a worry any more, and I feel better, I am not sure what my blood pressure is today but it may have gone down.
There is nothing I can do to help Bob except go on with my life and keep this candle lit for him while I am at home. People are praying for him and his family and me all round the world and in my old church too.
 Bob will recover and come back to Jersey, but he needs to stop fighting everyone's battles for them.

This morning after I did the papers, I came home and grabbed the laundry basket and bowled it over to the laundry and had a breakfast at the greasy spoon.
The laundry and greasy spoon are so close to my home that it is just routine to do both on a Friday.
As you know, I used to have study breakfasts at the greasy spoon but I have had to defer my studies because of the latest onslaught that continued even in the last few days, with sock puppets in the states demanding the release of the conflicted Steel report while the hate campaign against me has openly continued.
I have no idea how anyone in the church of england can think that this indefinite charade is anything but evil and harassment, and apart from the deanery and states of jersey, the church seem to have stopped even pretending that it is about my case or anyone's welfare.

Anyway, I had my breakfast and read the paper.
Then I came home and tidied the flat.
Then I went to do some shopping and spend a lot of money replacing everything that has run out.

All back in order.

The NHS are putting a monitor on me next week, but I bet my blood pressure goes back down if no more attacks on me are made. Anyway, I still think I want this particular monitor:

Thursday, 19 November 2015


The blood pressure reading this morning was still silly, although it was lower.
I was sent to be sorted and they did an emergency assessment. Then they told me to come back in a few hours, so I thought I had better eat something,
I went back and they plugged me into a machine, the machine just plods while the nurses talk cheerfully to another patient in the next cubicle.

The nurse came back, and her face fell when she saw what the machine was saying, she stood there for a while so I looked at the floor and the curtains and things.

The nurse tells me that the reading is not good, so they will fit me with a monitor next week.
I had never planned on walking round with a lizard round my neck but what a fashion statement!
I don't like the idea of wearing a monitor, but this problem has gone on long enough, at least, at last, the NHS know I am a real person who needs help, not just monitors but real help.
Why does it take so much crisis and bad to get to the point where I can get help?
Anyway, my heart and blood will be fine when the church and Jersey stop hurting me.
Well, I could have said that six years ago when I was going through this same thing.

The hospital

I don't like hospitals, apart from the vending machines and the chapel.
But this time I didn't get to see either of those.

When I went into the hospital, the waiting area was crowded, which is never good.
But the receptionist was keen to get me assessed by someone.

The triage  nurse was very nice, I don't know what I said each time I made her laugh, but she was very patient with me.
She said my blood pressure was 180/113 and I told her that was Ok because it had been higher than that when I was about to fly to England when my Dad was in a coma six years ago.

I told her about Bob and how it was my fault, but she said no one knows what causes these things, she said it about like Kingy did when he was talking about cards being dealt, which I still don't know what it means.

She wanted to make sure I saw someone quickly even though there were a lot of people there, she showed me a quiet place with seats and no other people and said the doctor would see me soon.
I think soon means something else in hospital because another hour went by and I felt sick and tired.
I said I would swap places with Bob so he could be well and I could be ill instead, but I never agreed to sitting in a place with horrible bright lights and noises and buzzing for a long long time.

A few times I asked the people how long it would be, but they kept saying I was next to be seen, but nothing happened. The waiting room just waited and I was falling over tired.
Normally I get up at 5.30 to do the papers, so being out late isn't suitable, and it was getting later and later, although for the past week I have known that there would be a day when I simply couldn't get up and do the papers any more, I had to at least try.

So I came home, shattered, and went to sleep.
But I was too sick to do the papers this morning.

That's it peeps, everything I have tried to build has been ripped off me and the pack of mangy dogs in Jersey are still relentlessly demanding their masterpiece whitewash report while the church allow them to continue and never declare this report fake, whitewash and null as they have been asked to.

Has anyone noticed how they change what the report is to try to drum up sympathy and get support? BBC Jersey claiming it was a 'report into the safeguarding of children and young people' in one of their recent attacks, while yesterday it was called a 'report into the suspension of the Dean' while they continued to attack?

The church go on and on allowing me to be destroyed, and they cost Bob Hill his health and retirement and they will cost me my life. I have annoyed Bob since the beginning by saying this won't be over until I am dead and the church will have no opposition to publishing their lies, and things are speeding up towards my death now. As far as I am concerned, Jane Fisher's concentrated and unrelenting attacks on me were a murder effort and the past two and a half years have simply been her extension of that effort, and she has nearly won the prize. But why? Why do they need to publicly flay me? They have already destroyed me and left me damaged for life.

I can't do much except go and have my blood pressure checked again when I am able to leave the house, I feel sick all the time, I feel shattered, and I don't understand why Polo and Elle and Stuart and others have been posting wierd hurtful stuff about my case, posting my abuser's name? Why?
After all this time, do you really think it helps me?

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

The candle is still burning, the guiding light, light house, casquettes and corbiere, until you are safely home:


In a horrible co-incident, I put a cartoon on my blog last Thursday that read 'In memory of Bob, who loved this spot'.
I had no idea that Bob Hill had been taken ill at the time and I put the cartoon up because it made me laugh, the name 'Bob' was co-incidental, I would have put the cartoon up if the name on it had been Jack or Steve, it was just one of those silly things that I sometimes post when they catch my eye on twitter.
I apologize for any offence or misunderstanding.
And I am sure that Bob Hill is going to make a very good recovery, although it will take time.

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

The story of a moral and inspiring man (that he told me not to write!)

Well we are sitting here, and I remember, after a so long of not remembering, because for so long I have not had the luxury of memories, all I have known for years is raw pain, and memories, especially good ones, have been buried deep inside to stop me from collapsing.
But behind the smears and lies and collaborations of the arrogant and comfortable of the Diocese of Winchester, there is another story, other stories, which would be too damaging to their hatred and judgementof me for them ever to let them be heard by the people they have taught to hate and shun me.

So we are sitting here and you are making sure I eat something and drink several hot drinks at last.
For the past weeks and especially the last few days, I haven't really known or cared about sleeping or eating or anything, I don't know what is going on in my own life, the neat lists, rotas, bill payments and other tidy and fastidious arrangements are all shattered, the little world of boxes that is the best soother for autism is all gone, and I no longer know anything, but you know I need food and drink, and just as you always have, you look after my welfare first and foremost.

As we sit, the memories bubble up, uncontainable, rich and sparkling and flowing, no rhyme or reason, and I smile for the first time in days of tears.
As you read this, remember that although it was at a time that I was struggling desparately after escaping the childhood from hell, I was part of the community, surrounded by friends and with a full life, not in any way like the desparate ruined and angry mess that I am now, back then was before the Diocese of Winchester destroyed me and took the friends that I mention by slander and interventions.

So I tell you what I remember and I smile after days of tears.
I tell you I have sat by too many hospital beds already. I tell you about Jonny in Southampton Neuro, making his miracle recovery and that day when J. said dryly 'Well he's well enough to tell his brother to shut up!' 
Well it is one of the very best neurological units, what would you expect but miracles?

I remember all the hospitals, all the times I have sat by beds, but of course there is there is one that stands out, also a miracle recovery.
He was like no one I have ever met before, and I have only met one like him since, and the one I have met since is also having a break in hospital now.

He was a completely honest man who had no use for lies or deceit, he didn't want much and he didn't need people, but quietly and selflessly he worked for others, often unnoticed, he was usually polite to people face to face although he sometimes amused me by being honest to me about his feelings towards certain people, I felt honoured that he confided in me. The certain people he didn't approve of in our immediate community used alcohol and drugs and had other vices, and he had no time for them.

He had a sense of humour although he seemed so serious, and when I was going to meet him first time a certain person warned me to be careful not to upset him, so I was expecting an ogre but he was an angel.

I had to shadow him, learn from him, and although back then my mind wasn't focussed, it was a joy to work with him.

I remember when he became my friend, I had ordered a ton of gravel and was raking it into place and he came by, took a short cut through my garden as he did, and he didn't say a thing, just picked up the rake and started helping to distribute the gravel on the driveway.

He told me that I should come to tea some time, he and his wife would be pleased to see me.
I smile as I remember this because I know that made me very honoured. They didn't invite many people. They lived a simple, honest and lovely life and I really respected them.
One of my favourite stories that he always told me was when the Lord of the Manor came charging round in the range rover, and his wife opened the door, she peered out at him and said 'Oh, who are you?!' in a most dissaproving tone. 

I would go to tea sometimes, not frequently but sometimes, to be friendly, they were such special people. Tea meant china cups of tea with a little bit of cake and biscuits. I was still young, so to me I wasn't quite sure of this ritual but time with them was special. 

They lived simply as I said, honestly and without any pride or ego or boastfulness, indeed it took me a long time to actually realise what amazing people these were and what talent they hid. 
I think the first of the surprises was when I found out that he was a believer and a churchgoer, although I never heard him mention God or call himself a Christian or even use the word. And I understand why, I really do. But another surprise was that his place in church was as organist, until his hands grew too shaky, and then in the choir.
He had left school aged 14 and had been a gardener all his life apart from his days in the navy, which he always mentioned with a slight smile, but he had taught himself music, entirely, and that wasn't his only talent.

He was an artist, and again, he was self, taught. in 'the other room' that they didn't use to sit in, but which had the piano and various jumble, the portraits he had drawn lined the walls, amazing and each with a story behind them.
What an incredible man.

And of course he was the best gardener I have ever met or ever will meet.

So he and his wife were my friends, it didn't matter that they were elderly, age is irrelevant to me, if decent human beings reach out in friendship to me, that is what matters to me. Often it is older people who have the maturity to understand my solitude battles more.

This lovely couple had no children or pets, they had their little house and the immaculate gardens, they kept themselves to themselves. And I consider myself to be very lucky to be someone who got to know them.

He had been showing plants and vegetables and flowers for more years than he cared to remember, and if I remember correctly, he had asked Fleet show to stop giving him the cup each year, was it the cost or getting it re-engraved or was it that he thought it was silly to get a cup? He never wanted his prize money or certificates. That was how he was.

But he took delight in teaching me to grow and tend plants, and more delight in taking me to shows and teaching me to show plants and compete against him. 
I was already someone who competed in the show, but with floral art, under the watchful eye of Anne, I always will smile to remember her own teaching, where she got me and Fiona working on our floral art show entries, both working on our competing projects, there at the same table and under her eye.

But now it was time for me to move on to the serious stuff. The horticultural competitions.
It is funny, he had been competing for so long but he didn't know of the village show in my home village, and so I introduced him to it, the show where every year I spent days helping to set up for the show and then spent the show day and the Sunday killing myself trying to help with everything.

Not only did I introduce him to the show but also to Mike and Shirley, who he became fast friends with. I remember Shirley saying to me after meeting him that she thought 'I like you' when she met him. They used to pass messages through me sometimes, usually about show schedules and cup engravings, of course, that kind of thing, and would he like some of the newly made jam? or would they like some fresh cut flowers?

We started to transform the huge wild garden at my cottage into a real plot for vegetable and flower growing, and he didn't see much point in my tree felling project but he came and helped anyway. My cats loved him, and after openly being a cat hater all his life because cats are destructive to gardens, he grew fond of my cats and their antics and for a long time I had a photo of him holding the half-siamese cat in his arms. He seemed in awe of this cat because it was clever and he didn't realise a cat could think things through like that one did. 

 He used to laugh that he couldn't take a nap in the hammock that I had tied between the apple trees becase that cat of mine would be hiding in the tree and launch itself like a missile.

He taught me about dustbin parsnips, the very best for the show, of course the growing mix had to be just right. He showed me how make rings for show vegetables and he made me read my show handbook carefully and learn.

Then one week he wasn't at work, and I was surprised, he didn't text me or phone or call round to the cottage.

All I knew at the end of the week was that the lady of the house told me he was ill.
I went round to see if I could help. Because his wife was disabled since she slipped and hurt her leg badly, so I wanted to know if I could help, but he had already been admitted to hospital. 

He was in for a while that time, and I watered the plants and gave his wife lifts to the hospital.
But for some reason they sent him home when he was still very ill.

I grew increasingly concerned, and one evening I asked for a break from shift to go and speak to the hospital. I was horrified by the callousness of the nurse I spoke to. Basically she was saying he was an old man and a waste of a bed and to let him die.
But next day he was re-admitted.

He was in a bad way now, and he slept, with the tubes draining and feeding him.
I was tired and I was in pain and I didn't know why.
I went to work and worked hard, I studied my day release course and I went to counselling, I made trips too and from the hospital and I watered the plants and did anything I could to help.Then I went to work again.
The tiredness got worse and worse.
I slept on a mattress in the front room because the stairs had got too steep. The doctors did tests and muttered about M. E and fibromyalgia.

At the hospital I joined the services in the chapel and asked for prayers for him. And I put him on the prayer list in church and prayed at the afternoon prayer services made up of well-to-do ladies who never kept their voices down about me being 'odd' or 'handicapped'. 

One day his wife rang me, she had been at the hospital since 5am when they had called her in, told her that he couldn't stop coughing blood and it was best that she came in now.
We sat there.
We sat and waited.
He stopped coughing blood.
He had blood all over his hospital pyjamas when he told me in a weak voice that he was OK and he was going to sleep now.
And he did.

He slept and then he started to recover, there was no more blood.
I saw a genuine miracle as he started to steadily recover.

 'I sat by him at the hospital, there were times when he was grumpy and angry with me when he was recovering, I would go out to the church yard and cry, but his miracle recovery is something that will always be with me, as will the parking fees'.

You smile as I say that, and you murmer something about the hand of God on my shoulder.

How could I have forgotten, that man of such moral courage and firm unmovable convictions, a quietly selfless and inspirational man who was such an example to me?
(and he told me not to write about him too, tough cookies mate, you can't stop me!).

One day I went round to check if his wife needed anything and to water the plants, his wife answered the door 'Go round the back, there is someone there to see you!' she said, hardly able to contain her emotions.
So I did, and there he was, not long home and tending his plants.
Instead of the usual 'lifeline' of taking hold of my hands, which is what he and my other friends normally did because of my autism, he hugged me.

He was more tired than before the illness, but he did recover, even to drive his car again, and one day he drove me to the surgery and observed that my bag of prescription meds was bigger than his! I battled the metabolic illness that left me tired and in pain for a few years after that and it made work hard  for me, and I left the estate and the tied cottage and moved on, but we kept in touch for years, and he still sent me silly text messages sometimes, jokes and things.

But the funniest memory, that I recounted to you and you looked astounded before laughing, was that time when the lady of the manor wouldn't stop talking about her favourite candidate for the local elections, this seemed to irritate my friend, and he took to sending me cheeky messages about the candidate, not rude of course, he was a gentleman, but he didn't share the lady of the manor's enthusiasm for this candidate.
We were working with some plants, and the lady of the manore was intervening in our greenhouses as she did sometimes, she was labelling young plants, then the bell on the house rang, meaning the phone was ringing and off she sashayed to answer it.
My friend looked at me, looked at the greenhouse, and grinned.
Into the greenhouse he sneaked, took the sophisticated label gun, and changed what the label printout would read so that it read the name of the election candidate who the lady of the manor was always raving about.
Then off we tiptoed to the other side of the wall, and fell about laughing, wondering how many plants she would label before she realised, and what she would make of it when she realised!
 After that we only had to say that person's name and we would crack up laughing.

So, that is the story of me and my friend from before the darkness fell, an honest, honourable and moral man, who I always knew I was perfectly safe with because he wouldn't abuse or exploit anyone. 
He was a rare character and I have only known one man that safe and moral, selfless and honourable since, another man who is now also lying in a hospital bed, but he never knew the me from before the darkness and the mad anger.
Because life circles and circles, and we relive the same things over and over.

Thank you for being there for me in this time of tears, today I smiled again because I remembered.


Jersey apparently has the 'second worst alcohol problem in Europe'. (JEP report).
Jersey isn't in Europe.

That reminds me of how Jersey win Britain in Bloom contests when furious anonymous Jerseymen rage about England being a foreign country that has no right to dictate to Jersey or demand licence fees.
Technically if Jersey uses BBC broadcast then there is no question of licence fees being valid or not valid.
Jerseymen are generic ranters. Gotta look at the facts.

Ohh I would get lynched if a Jerseyman ever read this, thankfully none do.

The weather is bad but still no trees down.
The ferries have been blown away.
And God, I am hungry, I have forgotten how to get food.

Did I just write a blog post?

Monday, 16 November 2015

Guiding light

I asked God for a swap
and I meant it with my soul
my life for yours
let you live and come home

I would give you my life and strength
to restore you
because this happened because
you were defending me
wasting your life and time
on worthless me

I lit the candle and asked you
to walk back from the ghost roads
towards the light
out of the dream where you don't know
what happened

I ask the lantern bearer
to bring the guiding light
and I will walk in the dark again
St. Clements bay is frozen in the snow
I died there a long time ago
but you have life and love
so come back
and I will go instead.
This was my fault so let me go instead.


 Well the road is wide, and waters run on either side, and my shadow went with fading light, stretching out towards the night. 'Cause the Sun is low, and I yet have still so far to go, my lonely heart is beating so, tired of the wonder. But there's a sign ahead, though I think it's the same one again, and I'm thinking 'bout my only friend, and so I find my way home. When I need to get home you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. Well the air is cold, and yonder lies my sleeping soul, by the branches broke like bones, this weakened tree no longer holds. But the night is still, and I have not yet lost my will, oh and I will keep on moving 'till, 'till I find my way home. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light. When I need to get home, you're my guiding light, you're my guiding light.
(Ed Sheeran, Guiding light)
You know I can't really write this blog after everything that has happened in the past month.
This is grim death really.
 People round the world are praying for Bob for us.

University has gone to pot and there is nothing I can do about that.
But I will have to try to work to keep myself fed and a roof over my head but what is the point?
I will go to work this morning and then sleep, I haven't slept.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

What can I do?

What can I do 
when I blame myself
and others probably do too?

Was I supposed to say
don't waste your life fighting for me
just enjoy your retirement?

Was I supposed to shut up
when everything hurt 
too much to bear?

What can I do now?
sit in the Samaritans 
in a gibbering heap
and feel sorry

for you,
your family
and myself?

I feel lost 
and useless
and the questions
what now? What now?
Keep coming. 

I never felt more alone
So I will pray that you
and spend the rest of your retirement
with your family, in peace.


Well all night the wind howled and I dreamed about Jersey and the wind and the sea.
I woke once because I needed to cough a lot.
And this morning it was worse than ever trying to clear my lungs, while the wind still howled,
But the sea was a bit dissapointing as the tide was ebbing despite the wild wind.

I don't feel well enough to be up, but I have things to do.

And by the way:

Dear Jersey,

I already know you think you are something you are not, but I don't think you need to patrol the ports and airports in case someone wants to blow the teeny self-important island up, you are more likely to get the States chamber blown up by an islander who simply gets sick of the oligarchy and their lawlessness.
By the way, that won't be me.


Saturday, 14 November 2015

Saturday night

Good evening peeps,

Well the weather is mad.
We are trapped here with no transport links as the gales and rain batter us.
It is the belated autumn storms which usually start in October and which make the Daily express shriek about global warming and record breaking weather every year without fail :) haha.

My lungs won't clear. It has been three weeks now. The Jersey vicious thugs who call themselves church and state and don't distinguish between their roles are making me ill and keeping me ill.
I am tempted to go camp out on Bailhache's lawn but the weather is a wee bit rough for that.

Friday, 13 November 2015


Good evening,

Well I have been ill and sleeping some of the time so there isn't so much to say.
The weather is wild.
I have done some work but not much.
The papers have been as normal.

I just watched Hollyoaks and I really need to sort out all the paperwork that BBC Jersey's petty harassment has delayed.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

one alone

never has a night seemed so lonely
never so devoid of hope

than when I started my onward journey
alone and away from from you

the tears still fall unbidden
and I still turn back to try and find you

but no answer ever comes
and so I walk on alone

2nd Anniversary

It's cold out there
and awful dark
 but I remember
when it was our life

It was raining 
two years ago
when the end came
and I went on without you

The rain was heavy
and I was scared
and alone
so alone

I was coughing
as I do now
and I knew
I couldn't stay

I left the safe darkness
and came indoors
and you became a dream
part of the dark

sometimes the harsh lights
and heat of indoors suffocate me
and you call me from beyond the dark
and I turn and stand at the door

could we go back now?
To the star-filled, rain-filled dark
and dance and run
and be free again?

- - - - -- - - -- - -                

Farewell to a friend
a friend from the streets
who shared the dark night
and the firelight

life out there is a kind of death
for those of us who are finished
but we keep each other company
as life and hope diminish

you and I we roamed them streets
seeking freedom from our scars
both of us still trying to escape
from those prison bars

the big dark night was the enemy
but it was also a good friend
we roamed the night with wild joy
and never knew it would end

the salt of the earth live out in the night
and you were a wonderful grain
but now your road goes on without us
never to meet again

The end is what we all wait for out there
and you are at last at peace
but I am here without you
in a night that may never cease

I wish you a peaceful journey brother,
and keep the memories here
of those days and nights as forgotten people
freed to disappear


The stars are shining
as she peacefully sleeps
like a child in her mother's arms
home, safe nurtured, unaware of the horrors to come

wrapped in blankets on the ground
out under the starry sky
the safest place on earth
close to you, like a child in her mother's arms

lying on the ground, breathing the cold night air
and looking at the shimmering diamond sky
happy, safe, loved, peaceful
as she sleeps in your arms 

alone on the ground, wrapped in blankets
and wrapped safe in your love and acceptance
in the silent night the small creatures run and the owl hoots
but she sleeps like a child in your arms, safe, peaceful, happy

the dawn comes and she wakes,
peaceful in the cold early dawn
to light the stove, wash, stash the blankets
and wait another day to sleep, safe under your loving care

oh if only she could go back, be a child in your arms again
those dark nights of safety and love
sleeping safe in your arms forever in an endless love and care, 
it's true in every way, she found paradise there

Thurdsday morning

Good morning,

Unfortunately my life is still being disrupted by Jersey and their state press and media.

On Tuesday I went to the dentist and I am pleased to say that at last I have a good dentist and am going to get the dental treatment that I have been needing for a long time.

Although one of the first things the dentist said to me shocked me, he said 'I am referring you to the hospital'. Not something that I like sprung on me like that!!!
He has been the first dentist to actually show concern for the worsening TMJ issue, the other dentist actually worsened my jaw by wrenching it open and propping it open too wide, at the same time as making me choke on something, but my jaw has been out of place for as long as I can remember, and it may have been caused by injury so the dentist wants it MRI or CT scanned in case it needs something done, and actually when I told the people I worked for on Tuesday, they were pleased as one of them was left with a misaligned jaw and it developed athritis. My jaw has started to catch since the old dentist wrenched it, so I am relieved that it will be examined.

Anyway, my new dentist is very thorough and I learned a lot about good dental hygiene and how to look after my teeth, he also noted that my tongue is a bit shredded, he says that is from grinding my teeth real bad in my sleep, he says I am grinding more than clenching and the hospital may be able to make the better decision on what to do about it, he also showed me expercises to ease the pain and tension that nocturnal grinding causes.

The dental surgery was quiet and nice and to be honest, I am delighted to have been able to register and get away from the awful dentist 8 miles away, I am now only a few miles from my new dentist and if the car has problems, it is a direct bus ride away.

My next treatment is Wednesday next week after work, the start of restoring my teeth a bit.

After dentist, I went to work, and then came home and ate a huge delicious pot of paella that I got reduced at the supermarket. Actually it made two meals, one opn Tuesday and one yesterday.

Yesterday I came home from work intending to get all my remaining pen pal letters written and in the post, but BBC Jersey disrupted the rest of the day as they had been lying about me on air.
As well as dealing with that, despite repeated obstructions, I also managed to continue taped interviews, which are to be transcripted this week. Anyone wishing a copy of any particular interview or aspect of my case, let me know.

Today I needed to work, get my printer looked at by happy computer man and get the transcripts away, but already today is not going to plan. Never mind, Fridays exist as a spill over day for work that gets delayed earlier in the week, so I will move today's work to tomorrow.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Tuesday morning

Good morning peeps,

I think I will update despite the return of my stalkerstat with a vengeance.

Because I really have to tell you the news...

I am seeing my new dentist today.

That isn't whatever stalky is reading to blog to find out about.

I hope the new dentist will be able to save my mauled and ruined teeth.

I got back into my university work with a vengeance yesterday and had a good tutorial.
I am just catching up my Dutch studies, I like dutch because it is like German and English.

But I really have to share the video the tutor shared with us because it is like a trip on LSD, you will laugh a lot or just feel puzzled by it.
Heel leuk.
 Echt dom

Do you really want to know about my exam on Saturday? Well as you know, the Jersey Deanery were disrupting my studies and I was ill, I was even ill while I took the exam, but I still hope for a pass, but nothing more, what a nightmare when I had made sure I had so much revision time and the Church trashed it.
No matter, I took the exam and if I passed then I progress, and I did get to have lunch with my mum afterwards.

What else, well I am studying this morning and dentist this afternoon, and trying to get a few hours work done.

I managed to get some work done yesterday before the weather got really bad, as well as study and tutorials, so, back to normal in a way.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Sunday afternoon


Well I have new regular readers reading the blog so I suspose I had better write a few lines.

Well I am tired.
I took my exam yesterday.
Had lunch with my mum.
And went to the fireworks display as I hoped to.
Today I am resting.
I said it would be a few lines, so you got a bargain.

Friday, 6 November 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

The blogs are statting high today, presumably because Bailhache has been pushing for his stupid report.

Well anyway, I have to get on with life as best I can, and the laundry was piling up and everything in the house needed replacing, so I got the washing to the laundry, did the shopping, had a revision breakfast at the greasy spoon. You know what? My mum didn't know about local cafe's being called the greasy spoon, well she is used to 'coffee shops' :):):)

And here it is, the countdown to the exam. And I am watching Hollyoaks instead of revising.

It is raining so I nipped out briefly for petrol for tomorrow's journey and supper. Not petrol for supper, no :)

All set for an early start to the exam centre!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,
please excuse the lack of blogs, I have been ill.

Not a lot to say. It was foggy again yesterday and I slept some.
The flat is very clean and tidy and really nice with the new furniture.

I have finished my mock exams and just revising for the finish now.

I am sitting at the new table. with magic fm on the radio and I really enjoy watching the road as I work, but sadly due to the layout of things, my chair faces away from the sea. The sea is gloomy today anyway.

I have managed to keep the paper deliveries up while I have been ill but the rest of my work has been on hold. I do have a possible new garden clearance to look at soon, and am just waiting to hear from the people I have worked for about more work.

I had to get painkillers and lozenges, so I went shopping, got food and things, and got new pillows because I am afraid that the support I have now for my head is actually becoming a problem, if you read my blog regularly then you will know I have this battle to keep my head and neck supported at night or I get ill with pain. It has been so bad with this virus tensing me up that I have been wearing my neck collar and it has been more than a year since I wore it, so people have all made comments.

The weather is damp and gloomy now, not foggy, but it isn't cold.

I like winter and Christmas :) Christmas is an expensive idea though, but the shops are full of Christmas stuff and I was sitting on the wall waiting for my friend to drop round earlier and my neighbour was waiting for his taxi and we were talking about Christmas, and I told him I might have to do a Vicar of Dibley thing, but I'm not sure he understood that! :) No, I am sure Christmas will be great. Because unless Jersey and Winchester ruin it for me, or the car decides to expire, I can only imagine a lovely Christmas if I am here and not Jersey.
Here we have the perfect walks for Christmas holidays, and I have a lovely flat and I will get nice food and I have millions of cards to do and there will be food and films and Christmas programmes and music and all the good things :) Haha, best of all, I will get a day or two off from doing the papers! :):):)
Actually I am having a day off this week, for my exam!

Excuse me while I go and revise a lot.

Sunday evening

This didn't get posted on Sunday for some reason, but here it is.

Good evening,

Well I feel so ill but I will update.
The blogs are statting hight, so if that is because the church and press are harming me, let me know as I am proceeding against them.

I am always grateful for my Sunday lie-in as the shop opens late and the papers go out late, but I was awake ill in the night and woke up feeling very ill, I am living on painkillers and regular pain pen and saline today.

I got the papers out, but fog descended as I delivered the papers along the edge of the marshes. I thought that the fog would only be down there, but as I came back into town and home, the fog was just as thick, visibility was poor so I was very careful.

I spent the morning doing mock exams and pain management, nothing is really working, of course not, and if Jersey and Winchester don't stop killing me for their crimes, I won't get better, too much is too much, and years of too much is more than too much.

Anyway, mocks are nearly over and I am satisfied that unless there is another major attack by the idiots in Jersey and the Cofe and their press, I will pass my exam.
And despite being ill, the flat got a thorough sort out as some people I did contract work for came round with a table and book case for me and told me they would like to take me on for some pre-Christmas work and will see about recommending me to another business. Cool!

So the flat has been blitzed and the new book case is a ladder rack type for my university text books and files, the table has replaced the coffee table where the tv is, and actually the tv is much better vision on the table, and there is enough space to use part of the table for work space with the brown chair. The coffee table is now by the sofa and arm chair.

I really wanted the flat looking good as I thought mum was coming over tomorrow but it looks like she can't, no worries, because I am ill and busy and she is supposed to meet me when I come out of the exam room anyway.

I did a good roast dinner - lamb, roasties with garlic, and carrots.

apart from the Hollyoaks omnibus, there has been nothing worth watching on tv, so I continued watching my 'Humans' DVDs.
And then this evening I was due to go to the cinema.
So I went down to the welfare outreach and had a coffee, then I went to meet the person I was going to the cinema with.
He has a disabled card that means I can go with him for free as his carer, and he genuinely prefers someone with him as he is disabled. I just have to pretend to be normal enough to be a carer! :)

Anyway we went to see Suffragette, and funnily enough my mates are going to see it tomorrow, but going today suited me better as we saw an earlier screening, which is better for me as I have to get up so early, and late nights when I have to be up so early are not good, especially not when I am ill. And also the bonus of not having to pay for my ticket today! :) and he treated me to an ice cream sundae, I have never had one of those before, they take an awful lot of eating! :) surely they are illegal!

Saturday, 31 October 2015

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well I have had an uneventful day. Mainly revising for my exam.
I have also had a drive to watch the sea and biked up to the shop for batteries.
The weather and papers have been unremarkable.
The flat is tidy, I briefly sorted a cupboard or two out and cleaned things.

Halloween is my only day off in the year from scaring the hell out of people.
Lots of noisy kids running around out there but it has been peaceful up here.

Tomorrow I get my Sunday lie in due to the shop opening late, and then I may have a snooze or finish mock exams, various other paperwork and things to do, no car boot sale tomorrow, but in the evening I may go to welfare before cinema.
We are going to see Suffragette, and everyone tells me that is a great emotional film.

Friday, 30 October 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been hard to write recently, I have been ill with this virus thing, although I have battled the symptoms well, it has left me tired.
When I first get sick with sore throat, I have to try to kill the infection with TCP to stop it going to my lungs because I am asthmatic and my lung capacity is very poor and I have had some bad chest infections due to homelessness and unhygenic living spaces, so I have to be careful, and I have been using saline to clear my system, so although I have kept breathing and stayed on my feet most of the time, I have been very tired.

I have also been trying to revise for my exam, a week tomorrow!
The flat is clean and tidy and bathed in candle light and lamp light, I am showered and pyjama'd.
This afternoon I went to see my friend, she is being well looked after by her family and she is still fairly able but with less energy now. She still gets very insistent about not minding dying, but that is the way some people react I think. We had a nice cuppa, and she asked me if I want to spend Christmas with them, which I will if my mate really doesn't care whether I cook Christmas dinner for him or not, he is claiming not to care either way! (bah, humbug) :) Anyway, I am not worrying about Christmas, I think there is a lot of water before that bridge, especially as I am set to move back to Jersey.
And won't it be like the good old times!

Anyway, the weather has been warm and rainy, I wish it would break, the warm humid weather is not helping my health.

My Mum is coming over on Monday, to get the biscuits I have made for them, I made cinnamon and ginger angel biscuits, carefully iced :) I don't really like biscuits myself but making biscuits for your family is what normal people do. So dunno why I did it :):):)