This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for nine months last year and left me deeply damaged and ill.
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog, I have been out all day.

I went to the drop in first thing but there was just one leader with one girl talking about her problems, although I was supposed to be in to talk about my problems.
So I had a quick bike ride along the front and came back, and helped with chores for a while.

Then the day wandered on, with coffees and chatter and laughter and lunch eventually occured.
Straight after lunch was the bad news from the Melanie Shaw case, which really threw me, but thankfully I was among friends.

Anyway, as lunch was packed up, we started into doing shoeboxes, and it is not long since I got home, we did much shoeboxing and laughing and there were some comforting and healing conversations in there as well, so that has been my day.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

I slept a long and peaceful night, waking for a toilet break at 2am and dreaming in the last part of the night, I dreamed of beautiful villages and beautiful horses, we were in a jigsaw puzzle that someone was putting together.

I woke and am on my second cuppa, the mist is hanging low and obliterating the eastern hills.

I am due to the drop in today because it is the fifth Thursday in the month so neither cafe church nor lunch club are running so I will drop in to the drop in and have a meal there probably.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Wednesday Night

Good evening,

Well I have been trying to get the housework done this afternoon and not seeming to get much done.
I did a good stew and jacket potatos though.

I was watching Princess Diaries on repeat.

This evening I went to swim and gym. I did a good gym session, not particularly energetic, and then had my swim and warmed down, the pool was busy so I did a number of ratherzigzaggy lengths as it is a small pool and everyone is trying to do lengths.

I have come home tired, I will put the washing out, the swim things and earlier's drenched clothes that I have put through the wash.
Then I think a long sound night's sleep is on the way.

It is damp and misty but not due to rain.

Wednesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I slept well last night and woke up this morning and got on with paperwork, it has been a rainy morning, heavy rain at times, and I spent most of the morning on paperwork.

I decided to go to the zoo before lunch, but got wet even getting there, rain was flooding parts of the zoo and because it is only a small zoo, they have few undercover viewing areas, so I had to endure getting wet and not seeing much, although my ticket allows me to return when I like during the week.
I did get a few pictures, including reptiles and snakes and museum.
At least I got out of the house and got some exercise, seeing as my special day was cancelled.

The see is green and grey and fairly calm and vision is low and the hills are hidden. It is still pelting down with rain.

I did skinless chicken fillets with wholemeal bread for lunch and merangue nest with fruit bio yogurt and grapes for dessert, how to eat delicious and healthy.

I think I will have a nap now and then put a stew on and bake some potatos for later and tomorrow.

I cancelled all my activities so I will only go to gym this evening and am only doing paperwork and watching films the rest of the day.

Bob put a cake on his blog, I want some of that cake.

I am watching Princess Diaries, old favourite, I like individuals who have spirit.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I was hoping to go skating for the first time in years but the rink was closed, it will wait. I had my swim instead.

My flat is now tidy after looking like a bomb site all day and the rubbish is out and everything is tidy and clean.

I had a walk down by the sea, the sea was roaring gently at half tide on a low steady surf, the hills were hidden in mist and the lights of the town were bouncing off the clouds and looking like northern lights. The police are still down at the go-karts, I don't know why.

My day tomorrow is sadly cancelled due to my adoptives having a crisis, tomorrow we were taking me to the equine therapy so I could stroke a horsy's nose, but now it is cancelled which is sad. I will do that another time. Horses have soft noses.

At least I don't have to get up early, so I am watching 'Yes Man' which is a bit too grown up for me but still funny.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I managed to get more work done, and as I went out to hang the still slightly damp washing out, my landlady and neighbour were out there, unfortunately the neighbour's hopes are dashed because there is no way the landlady can stop the inevitable, the council have forced her out of business, she is trying to buy us time but I think if it means moving at Christmas that is no good. I am unsettled and really I need to get re-settled elsewhere as soon as possible, even though I have no wish to leave here.

I hung the washing and went to the post office to get yet another thing off in the post.

Then I went and sat on the seafront for ages, biked up and down and sat some more, I had a cuppa while I sat, and just sat and slowed down a bit, I rarely get to sit and enjoy the sea and the sun, and when I do it makes me fear that the diocese will launch on me because it has been the case for years that if I feel safe, settled or contented, even briefly, something bad to do with the diocese happens, even in the two years I escaped them I was shouted at and driven out because of the record they got me, I am not allowed to live in peace and as their press releases and interventions continue, I still live in fear.

I sat with the park and the reserve and the hills beautiful in the sunshine behind me, and the sea and the great hill beautiful in front of me.
Anyway, as I sat in the glorious sunshine, I watched a finger of haze creep up the back of the great hill. It stole in and started to shadow the hill, it was remarkable because it crept onwards along the back of the hill and down to the cliff, no cloud anywhere else, just the hill shrouded, and then dark clouds spilled over the hills behind me, changing a sunny afternoon into dark and gloomy, and now it has clouded over completely.

I decided to come home, but there were loads of police cars because some kids had trashed the go-cart place, I think.

Now I have a plan for this evening, I decided to try something out.

I will go back out soon but I am just brewing some coffee and it smells nice.

Tuesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I have been a busyperson this morning.

I had to prepare and send paperwork, go to coffee morning, pick the pink bike up, use the library computers and scanners and my scanner is not working, and have a haircut.
I managed to get all those things done in good sequence.

The pink bike is working at no extra cost, and will probably be gifted back to it's original owners.

Coffee morning was dull.

And I walked down to my haircut, just for a thin and trim as it grows like a haystack, and then I walked down to the beach to enjoy jacket potato and salad for my lunch. The beach is crowded as it is half term and is another absolutely glorious day with a full tide and a fluffy sea, people are loving it.

My flat is covered in paperwork.

My neighbour is a cross man because the council have made us remove our post table as a fire hazard (how would they like someone condemning their home the same?) but the neighbour really wants to persuade our landlady not to sell up.

Well I feel good to have got so much done, and those of you who are wondering, I do not do gym every day and I may swim this evening when it is quieter because half term is so busy.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Monday Night

Good evening,

Well I went and sat at the beach cafe with a mug of tea earlier, it was a lovely day and the sea was fluffy and wild.

Then I came home and went to health and fitness, my weight loss and fitness are good so I got an award and I get another one next week.
I am now on a different level.

I didn't stay long, I came home for jacket potatos and watching pirates of the carribean, which i find boring apart from a few stunts by Jack Sparrow.

Then I went to church social and found the talk very boring but the company of my friends was great.

I wish the glorious weather would last, but it wont. so I will go and fetch the washing in now.

Monday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well in the glorious early sunshine this morning I set out along the bay on the blue bike, which was innocently acting as if it hadn't been worrying the hell out of me all weekend, but when I got there I found the bike shop closed for the day, typical!

I enjoyed biking back though, it is such a glorious sunny day.

I got home and decided there was time for gymn and swim if I did it the wrong way round and used the pool before it closed.
I had forgotten it was half term, so it was busy. I had my swim and then did a tough gymn because my automated gym routine was blipping and I had to manually set a few machines. Annoying.
I cut a few corners with warmdown and hydration because I ran out of water and I hate warmdown in a busy gym. But I was ok, biked home, did a pork chop and carrot for lunch and been doing odds and ends, biked down to the front and on a sunny half term with a stunny windy fluffy sea, the front is as crowded as summer. I sat with my bike and enjoyed it a while.

I have also put another load of washing on and out while this weather lasts, making the most of it, and I have jacket potatos cooking for tea.

I took the pink bike to Al, he will have it done for tomorrow, if he can't put a pedal crank on then he shouldn't be in the trade.
I am not sure the future of the pink bike but I guess it goes back to it's old owners.

I am just going to bike down to the sea and sit at the cafe with a cuppa before coming back and prepping for health and fitness club.  (to which I will travel on the bus, harhar).

Monday Morning

Good morning,

Well I slept a long and quiet night, dreamed a lot towards morning, dreamed there was a murder I was implicated in, vaguely Jane Fisher, but thankfully I had alibis, and dreamed I was working in a vast and very strange warehouse, and didn't  mind the work but found the human contact and complexities difficult, in the dream I was struggling to sign in and know my role and in the end I was sent to a place called electricals, where a little group of people were trying to separate sweets from live bees, very tricky.

I woke up and it is a glorious sunny day, I have to book a  haircut and get the bike to the next town now.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Sunday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well this morning I had a bathand took the washing and the rubbish out before scooting to church.

The big church was very hot as it often is, and I knew I would faint, so I went back out, but not before I got roped into some sort of celebratory meal in a few weeks time, I scooted tiredly to the little church, and the bike played up again.

When I got to the little church I sat with my friends, and the service was refreshing.

Afterwards we sat and enjoyed our tea and biscuits and chatted.

One of the church men inspected my bike and told me that it appears that one of the bearings has broken, hence the horrible jarring, it is not that I put the wheel on wrong. It is not too surprising for a bearing to go on an old bike but it means I have to cart the bike back to the next town tomorrow.

I came home and have been working on producing a yummy roast meal: Chicken breast fillets with roast potatos and carrots, cauliflower and broccoli and gravy, and the dessert I have prepared is crushed merangue nests with loads of fruit bio yogurt and fresh red grapes, all mixed up together.

I just had a lovely text from an old friend, talking about cups of tea :) so I will make such arrangements to drink tea with him.

I have a very busy week ahead and a special day on Wednesday and hopefully a special weekend coming up, a break from all the heartache and horror.

Friday, when the church times attacked my life, was Dad's anniversary of death, and I was going to do something to mark that, but instead, it is his Birthday tomorrow so I will  do something.
This is for you Dad

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Well last night I had been out riding on the buses, and I came home tired, with a few groceries from the shop.

I put the clocks back and fell into bed, I had to adjust the bedding and take and extra 5HTP to knowck myself out.
Then I slept deeply and quietly, but with a few sad dreams, and woke this morning a bit confused about the time.

It is 9am and I am not going to Mass, I will go to the little church later, I am just rinsing and spinning the washing ready for it to go out as it didn't go out yesterday.

Saturday, 25 October 2014


Good evening, a brief update before I go out.

Yesterday I was smithereened by more slander of me in the press and I had a collapse and the usual associated health problems.

I picked myself up by the evening and went to the Samaritans, as well as alerting my whole support network.

This morning I woke up fairly peacefully and spent the morning not doing very much, but by midday I was dressed in gym clothes and biked up to the leisure centre, I had a perfectly good hour and a half in the gym and then wandered into the pool to warm down and swim lazily for half an hour.

After that I found out that the new property that I had been offered had fallen through, which may not be such a bad thing, all things considered, and I came home to work on searching for a home, as well as putting the washing on and cooking some tasty chicken, which I have just consumed.

There is yet another bike problem. Gah.

I will now go out and about for a while.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well I went riding on the buses, did a small grocery shop, came home and will read my latest Kindle book before bed time. I am tired, I think I will sleep well.

It is rainy at the moment.

My blood pressure is feeling happy and healthy at 140/88, which is quite good for me. The cycling is definitely paying off now, I am fitter than I thought I was.

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well Andy the man arrived to do the smoke alarms while I was doing my letter writing.
I never knew Andy was deaf, probably a result of testing smoke alarms for years, I will have to get a megaphone for when he is over the road.

I got to speak to landlady face to face for the first time since the bad news, we all feel sad.
I have not yet viewed my new home but I only want this home like I only want my blue bike.

I went for my gym induction, expecting to have time for a swim afterwards, but the gymn induction was a full on hour and a half of seeing how I got on with all the machines and building me a routine.

I can't remember if I mentioned I was increasing my exercise this week, but I have done. By the time the induction was over it was too late for the afternoon swim and I was tired, I wont swim this evening, my exercise levels are off the chart now the blue bike is back and I am pool swimming.

The only thing is, I hope no relapse is triggered, hard gym tightens my myscles, which is a key to my illness, so I have to warm down well.

It is a grey rainy day and the sea is moody and green.

Thursday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

So far a cold egg, a carrot and some tea are being consumed, because I am in a vague mood.

I am tired.

This morning I was awake at 3am cos my neighbour has gone barking mad, and I fell asleep at 5am until 9am, which is disorientating.

I got up again at 9 and did a brief tidy up because the Andy-Man is coming to fit smoke alarms this afternoon.

Then I headed for cafe church, although I was a bit too disorientated to chat with my friends much or knit. I did read the papers and magazines, and think about getting work published as suggested by my friend yesterday.

Funnily enough, as I sat there, some people came and asked if I would do an article for the church magazine. I have had three articles published in church magazines before so I talked to them about that.

I am not a rabid evangelical but surely all this recent push by people for me to get work published can't be co-incidence?
I see no hope of real publication at the moment though.

Anyway, I came home through the rain on the blue bike, down the cliffs and through town, and stopped to get some cards from the chattery shop, and now I am doing letters and cards before I go for gymn and swim later, cards and letters are positive communication and I get a pat on the head and a cookie.
Only there are no cookies in this house.

Early Thursday morning

Good morning,

Well I have been awake a lot.

My neighbour decided to get drunk with a friend and shout for most of the night, stoopid neighbour.

I got up at 3am, which is not what I wanted but I was lying in bed feeling uncomfortable with no sign of sleep.

It is a mild cloudy night and the weather is to be cloudy with rain today.

I will wait for dawn and go out on the blue bike.

I have done bacon and eggs as an early breakfast and I will get an early-ish swim today as well.
My day finishes about 3pm today and I can rest or do some work after that.

I have cafe church and knitting this morning and then a gym induction this afternoon.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I did a lot of admin and a little bit of shopping while waiting for the bike, then I went to collect the bike, I didn't have to pay as some anonymous donor had paid for the repairs, so I was pleased to have the blue bike back, the man agreed that Al had been bodging it.

I had a lovely smooth ride home on the blue bike, people did cheer when I came back to our town on the blue bike, yes! :)

I wondered if I could settle to some writing and admin, but it seemed like a long evening if I did, so after a while I went riding on the buses.

When I got home I did eggs and rice for supper, I thought boil in the bag rice would be nice and lazy, but really it is more work, although the rice is nice and sticky.

I have been doing odds and ends, quite tired. I will have an early night, and hope it is like last night when I slept soundly through the night and woke at a decent time for an early swim.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I walked down to the sea, which was calm under the clear cold blue sky.
I walked up to the leisure centre, with my locker pound, and had a jolly good swim.

As I was walking home I was shouted, and the person who shouted to me told me to come down to the drop in as she had a cake for my friend's Birthday, so I went home, hung the swim things out, went down to the drop in, ate cake, chatted, hugged the Birthday girl, and had fun winding everyone up :)

One of the most surprising things was that my friend, who is an English teacher, was there and he talked to me about a letter I had written to him, he said it was degree level English and that I must get some of my written work  to publishers, he said a letter like mine would have taken him a week.
I was surprised because it was only a basic standard letter with odds and ends in it.
I am under increasing pressure to get some of my written work published, although you lot know I publish written work every day :)

Anyway, I had a mission to accomplish, so off I wandered, I collected the blue bike, walked it up to the station and brought it over to the next town along from us.

I left the bike locked and went to lunch club, where I was fed fish, chips, peas and cheesecake with a cuppa tea, these lunches are a bit heavy for me and it is too hot in there, but it is handy to have got a lunch before taking the bike to the shop.

I took the bike to the shop, they were expecting me, someone has put the money down for the repairs so I will go and collect the bike in 20 minutes.

The bike saga has amused many. I have named the blue bike Rebecca, and she will be my bike again forever, so easy to ride, like flying.
I hope to get the pink bike repaired and work out what to do with it.

It is a lovely cold day.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

A beautiful clear morning here, I am awake and considering my swim,
I just need to work out how to get a pound coin for the locker.

Busy day ahead, getting the bike shifted.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been busy.

I went out on the pink bike for a ride, but the pink bike had a loose pedal crank, which came off! :(

I came home and got my blow-dried washing in and walked up to get the blue bike, I managed to get the wheel on the blue bike and walk it home.
Tomorrow I will get it to the next town to the repair shop there.

I have been busy with research and admin, and then I made the bed with the clean linens.

Then I went for my swim.

Unfortunately I hadn't taken a pound for the locker with me, and there is nowhere to get a pound from up there, so I abandoned swim and went bus riding.
Teething problems, you never need a locker pound when you swim in the sea :(

Anyway, after a peaceful bus ride with my earphones in, I came home and did a sandwich for supper, now I am just winding down for the day.

The days ahead are busy as well as the next anniversary hitting soon.

I forgot to mention the weather, I walked home along the seafront this evening and the sea was on a low even surf, going far out and on a full tide, the sky was clear and full of stars, and the air was cold, the wind has dropped from galeforce to fresh breeze but the cold and breeze made it really wintery.

I am stepping up my exercise levels this week despite the bike problems and walking is painful at the moment.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I biked up to the sea, the galeforce winds are doing interesting things to the sea, not the usual smashing over the wall business, the angle of the wind is bringing the waves up sharp and causing them to curl artistically over with fine plumes of spray, with the sea rippling more than rough again despite the strong winds.

I sat and watched the waves for a while, and cried when I thought about moving house.
Then I headed for art.
I had not an atom of inspiration or concentration today, so I read the Banksy book, could not do as I was asked and Banksify a picture of a man playing rugby, could not start my art project because my mind was blank, and instead I drew some drunken fruit bowls.

I came home and cooked chicken and put the linens in the wash because the high winds will either dry them or whisk them off overseas.

The linens are out on the line getting a rough blow dry, while I am doing research.

I will swim this evening I think.

I am really struggling with the pink bike and sincerely hope we can salavage the blue one and get it to the repair shop in the next town.
I guess I may as well do that tomorrow and get a lunch while I am over there, good plan? I was going to skip lunch club but they have texted and said they would like to see me, however I must insist they stop feeding me cake, I am allowed most foods now but the cake does not help me to lose weight and help my lungs.

It is galeforce winds here but still dry, the clouds are being blown past us.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

After another troubled night I woke to a storm washed-grey and quiet day.

The wind is howling gently and I bet the sea looks awesome.

I have art class this morning.

We hope to salvage the blue bike and get it to a bike repair man in the next town, in the meantime the new bike kind of makes it's debut as bike I ride today, I am not looking forward to it, I just want my blue bike.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a busy day.
I was due to head out when my friend came to collect the bike she lent me, and we talked briefly, mainly about how I sadly have to move home.
Then off I went, for the luxury of a bus to health and fitness.

Health and fitness was very boring but I have lost a good amount of weight and my exercise charts looked good.
After that I went to the leisure centre for a swim.

I realised when I dived into the pool that I had very little energy, mainly because I had not eaten since lunchtime, not taken my evening breathing pills, or even a puff of blue inhaler, so I got back out, took some blue inhaler and floundered up and down the pool for a while before deciding to call it a day.

I had a chocolate bar, and headed homewards, stopped at the shop for some decent reduced meat and some milk, headed home along the seafront, and it was peaceful until people with noise and cigarettes came along as I stood on the wall.
The bus stop was where I moved to to escape the disruption, and a bus happened to be coming, so I caught it, which was not in my schedule at all, especially as supper had not been had, although I don't get hungry at the moment, and yesterday I only had a snack at lunchtime and this morning I just didn't bother with breakfast (no wonder I am losing weight).

Anyway, I tootled peacefully around on the buses while reading one of my new books.

Eventually, as wind and rain came in, I came home, and did a nice little supper.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I am getting a lot of hits from regulars looking for an update so I guess I had better update.

5HTP helped me to sleep last night but my dreams were distressing and I woke in the early hours but slept again, meaning I woke up late, which had a knock on affect on my plans.

Nonetheless, I got to work before I even had my cup of tea, and the flat has been hoovered, mopped, wiped, bleached, etc, and the washing went on and went out, it is a dry, breezy day and the washing will dry well, but tonight will be storms and galeforce winds, so I must get the washing in tonight.

I washed and oiled the borrowed bike which is supposed to be collected today, and the new bike is still ok, the tyres have stayed up.

I have put the rubbish out and generally got the flat back to proficient and sparkling, I went to the DIY store and got bike oil, bleach, washing powder and washing up liquid, then I went and sat on the sea wall for ages.

The sea is funny today, the wind is strong and it is blowing the sea, but the sea is rippling rather than rough, and the surf breaking is funny too, not heavy but kind of low with jumps.
The Great Hill looks like it has started to shave and then stopped, I think they have been tree felling up there. I do not like changes to the hill, it needs to be dark, brooding and perfect.
The weather is mainly sunshine with clouds drifting through, breezy and cool but not cold, lovely.

I came home, and did lunch as I forgot breakfast, I have done pork chop and carrots, followed by a merangue smothered in rasperry and honey yogurt and topped with fresh grapes and strawberries.
I am good at this food thing now aren't I?

I am just finishing my sheets and realising that seeing as I have a bus pass, I will go to health and fitness by bus rather than worrying about putting lights on yet another bike, and I will go straight to the leisure centre afterwards and get my swim rather than going to church social, as I told you, I want to wind my activities down this week and have some space.

I topped up my leisure card the other day, and also got aqua socks, which I hate, but the leisure centre, as well as being a small pool, is also not very hygeinic, so, now back to pool swimming, the aqua socks are essential.

I completed my Shane Dunphy book last night, and found it disturbing as it caused mild flashbacks both to my childhood and my Mother's behaviour and also to the Church of England, there is part of the book where a priest is telling Shane that if he does what the priest and Bishop would like, he will be in favour and if not, he will suffer, and although it is the Catholic Church, it is exactly the same sort of corrupt power that the church of england often wield.
The book is called 'The Girl from Yesterday' and if you are interested, Shane Dunphy has done a number of great books, but this is his most haunting and sad book so far.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well, last night night I had distressing nightmares and dreams and woke late this morning as a result, and nearly cancelled my day out. Eventually I decided it would mess me up too much if I cancelled and stayed at home. So I set off, belatedly, and made my journey.

The journey was ok. And all I did was visit the anniversary place, browse the shops, express horror that shops I knew had closed, and best of all, I found a new Shane Dunphy book, he is one of my favourite authors, it is quite a sad book but as gripping as his other stories.
I also got some 5HTP, which I can't get here unless I order it on Amazon, so as soon as I got it, I took some, the sooner I can raise my mood the sooner I can fight back.
I also got my expensive orthotics because I have been walking without them for too long and it is too painful.
Expensive but essential shopping.
I got tired in the end, the reason I like to set out early on a day out is that I get tired in the evening and I don't like to be out too late, so I made my way home.

I got home, cooked another cracking roast dinner and had a bath, and am sitting here winding down, with my delicious new book to read.

The roast dinners work very well, cooked from scratch, I doubted my ability at first, partly because my concentration levels got so low because of trauma, and partly because when I was a child I used to have to do burdensome meals and household tasks for my large family, so it is always a nice surprise how easy keeping house and cooking are now.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Saturday Night

Good evening,

Three things that show I am in crisis are: Not updating the blog, not cleaning the flat and not eating.
Well I have finally managed a whirlwind clean of the flat after a busy day, I have eaten, and I am updating the blog.

This afternoon I went to look at the new bike, and ended up having a cuppa and a chat before coming home on the new bike, which is light but small and still hard to ride compared to the blue bike.
I also went to look at the blue bike, still there and still intact despite it's injuries, I will collect it soon.

I then went and did a big grocery shop at the big supermarket, I haven't done that for months, I even got flowers and a candle, I haven't been able to get flowers for so long, so that is good, although the sad news remains that while I enjoy the flowers, I will have to move house soon.

I spoke to the landlady by email today to explain why bikes are breeding in the garden, and she confirmed that she will have to sell up because the council inspection brought up costs far more than she can afford, she has owned the house for 44 years and one tenant has been here 10 years and another 6 years, and she says she likes all the tenants and is sad about it. Well I am heartbroken, I was in paradise here, as you may have realised from the blog so far. I have been here six months and would have stayed forever.
I will be moving to a bedsit, which is smaller than this, I will be in safe hands and will be even closer to the sea than I am now, over the road from it, but I cannot imagine that in such a short time I wont look out my window here to the sunrise over the Eastern Hills, I can't imagine not being here and just thinking about it makes me so sad.
I don't like the fact that I am leaving the quiet roads to live closer into town.

It has been a funny day, earlier I got identical messages from two completely unconnected people, they both read 'You are part of our church family you know!'.
And I feel bad now because when I felt bad, I decided to have a day out this Sunday rather than trying to face church, and now everyone has been saying 'See you tomorrow?' or 'Will you sit with us?' and I am going off for the day. I do need a day out, because I haven't had one for so long, and I have been so stressed.

This coming week I will bring my social activities down to minimal, I will only attend art and cafe church, and maybe disabled club, I need a break and I need to think about the iminent move and make preparations, because I am so settled and paperworked for here, I need to make sure everything is put in order efficiently.

Anyway, after shopping and coming home to unpack the shopping, I went out for a bus ride, to drift my mind and listen to the radio as the bus sped through the dark night. Then when I came home, I did a sandwich and did a whirlwind tidy of the flat.

It has been a vague day for food, as I come out of crisi, I did do bacon and eggs for breakfast, but lunch was ham and cucumber sandwich and supper was homous sandwich.
Tomorrow I do not know, as I will be out for a large part of the day, if all goes well.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

I will do a quick blog because people are listening in.

I woke lazily at 8.30 and haven't got as far as getting dressed but I am in clothes I could be deported in, of course, as usual my jamas look like day clothes.

I have had my allowance of tea with sugar, so I am sad now, no more until tomorrow.

As you may have guessed, I had a rough few days, but I had better news yesterday morning, hence being a bit busy sorting out paperwork etc.

I have a busy day so I must dress and get on with it, and today is when we sort out bikes, probably including collecting the blue bike, which someone has offered money to repair. I would like the blue bike if it can be repaired properly, because it is easy to ride, while the borrowed bike is so heavy that I don't want to ride it. But I am supposed to look at a bike I have been offered this afternoon as well.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well, as you may have guessed, I hit crisis in the last few days.
I am pulling through.
I will update on some of the things I have missed in the last few days tomorrow if I have time.

I will just do this evening.

I have been busy this afternoon, getting a few useful things done, the flat looks like a bomb has hit it though.

I have been out bus riding this evening, into the big town, and I went to the Samaritans, which has helped.
The Samaritans are hit and miss and I had a very nasty experience of them in Jersey, again because in a small island like Jersey, neutrality is impossible and the samaritan I saw in Jersey was not just not neutral but in serious breach of the samaritan ethics, but never mind, I saw a good samaritan (haha) this evening, then continued my bus riding feeling a bit better.

I have just got home, feeling strange because I rarely leave this town or the bay these days, I have spent all summer here, so being out and about was strange.
It was quiet both in town and here, for a change, a windy evening and autumn is here at last, bringing the leaves down, we are having a late autumn compared to other parts of the UK.

I can hear the sea roaring in the wind as I sit here. The surf is shallow and and breaking low and even from shore to some way out, good for fishing, a lot of people are fishing.

It seems October is a time for anniversaries, for me there is the anniversary of the end of my life on October 11th, then there is last year's sadness, and then next week is the anniversary of my Dad's death a year before the church destroyed me and left me homeless.
Obviously these anniversaries don't help with the kaleidascope of crisis that has hit recently, but this song has been comforting me:


The time when another year has gone
since the loss
A time when there is nothing in the world
that will bring comfort
or take the memories away
It isn't just another day
it is another anniversary

ticking over

Good afternoon,

I will try to update you as soon as I can.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

This is not the normal post

And is not directly about my bad day aither.

As regular readers will know, I was in specialist therapy for attachment disorder earlier this year before having to quit because of circumstances.

I am on the waiting list for another therapist, someone who has the right expertise to help with the whole spectrum of my problems, but I have the issue of cost, even though I am likely to get ESA, and neither NHS nor government can help.

Would anyone be able to help/advise/help me with an appeal? Because I can't get better on my own and the NHS have lost the plot with regards therapy and support, there is nothing of worth.

oh and the blasted church arrived on my blog, no, you keep your noses out!

Thursday evening

I have had a rough day.
I will update tomorrow as normal hopefully.

Thursday Morning

Good  morning,

Well I wont say I woke to the news of Jersey election results, because I was awake until 1am.

It is sad,

The finance industry choose who wins, with a bit of help from the church, as we know, and the real people of Jersey are wasting their time voting, they end up with the same mindless and dishonest people who do nothing for them.
Still Jersey have chosen, an even worse selection than before, but with the usual rotten eggs.
I am glad I am not there, I have to say, it was not a good thing.
The only puzzle is, why did the church and establishment's second biggest rotten egg step down? Maybe he simply couldn't keep covering up and lying any more, maybe the legal implications were getting too great even for an ex-magistrate.

Anyway, so I got to bed at 1am, and woke at 7am, which is thankful as I have a doctor appointment in a few hours.

The sunrise is yellow against a clear sky, and during the night it was clear with stars.

I am not looking forward to today's meetings.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I went to the drop in and had a lovely time, I have been worried about my pal who has been absent but someone said they would check on him.
We played some sort of card game.

Then I came home, grabbed the washing in before it rained, and headed for lunch club in the next town.
Lunch was quite nice, gammon and potatos.

I didn't stay long, it is too hot for me and although it is a small group, it is not really suitable for me, no offence to anyone, so I will quit.

A rainy afternoon here. I biked up to post a letter and collect a prescription, well I have got one out of two of my prescriptions and the rest is delayed as they were out of stock, but I got the one I have run out of, but they have changed it from packet of tablets to bottle of pills, this is my lung opening meds.

I came home but have felt depressed, as I have recently, and being belittled online didn't help.

I have done my supper, jacket potatos with beans and now I am just considering a walk in the rain before bed.

I may just sit in bed and watch Buffy. I need to be up in the morning for a doctor's appointment, supposedly looking at how to manage illness, blah.
Tomorrow is a day of meetings.
Apart from my friendly lunch club, and my friends are back, so that will be good.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

I slept a good night and woke to a grey cool morning, no rain due until this afternoon, my clothes were not completely dry so I am oven drying them somewhat before I go to the drop in.

I got the news, by text yesterday night, that I am getting my ESA back, although I do not know how much when or what, they said they will write to me. The DWP amuse me with texts since I applied for the budgeting loan that got me the flat, they handily text me rather than phoning.
Welcome to this century DWP.

Oh, it is Jersey's general election today, the end to all the fun of watching the island who specialise in throwing their toys out of the pram throwing toys at each other more vigerously than usual, bummer! But sadly they will only re-elect the same and and things will not change.

Excuse me I smell roasted jeans.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well, I was surprised how easy it was to clean the flat and how nice it looked clean, I have been so worried that everything got in a mess but it cleans up so well, that is one reason I will miss this little flat.
I remember when I saw it and looked at it with such uncertainty at Easter, and how scared I was at making to move from the lodging house to my own flat. I'm glad I have had this time here and have been so happy and am sad at the thought of leaving.

So anyway, the flat is clean, I am bathed, scrubbed, hair washed, and the washing is out on the line, taking advantage of a break in the weather.
And I have done all my homework for money and exercise and nutrition.

I expected it to be cold outside but it is almost mild, no bats out but an owl flew silently past me as I hung the washing out.

Tomorrow is drop-in and then lunch club.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went to art group, I was the only art student there! Haha.
Instead of doing my project that I want to do, I drew wildlife, fat dormouses.

Then I dropped in at the drop in for a little lunch of ham sandwich and jam tart and coffee.
And of course some good company.

There is no craft this afternoon so I have free time. I am in an REM mood, on top volume :)

I am beginning to sort out the flat as it has got in a state while I have been pre-occupied with replacing bikes and flats and things.

I need to go to the shop for milk and food, this is the last of the money though.

Aspie Vic, I have published your comment and replied.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

I slept a long and peaceful night. I woke this morning from dreams about taking the cat to the vet and getting the kids to school. I was relieved to wake and realise I have neither cat nor kids.

I have been sitting here wondering if I should go to coffee before going to art but I have sat here too long and will not go to coffee, I will go to art soon.

The weather has eased off, it isn't raining, it is just grey.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I went bowling with my friends and we had a good time.

We got home and I cooked a late lunch and my supper at the same.
My lunch and supper were the same, fish and rice meals.
I fried some fresh haddock that I got reduced at the supermarket, and boiled rice, made two meals and ate one.
The thing about mondays is I need a meal prepared in advance for the evening as I am in and out.

Eventually I set off for health and fitness, biking through the rain on the borrowed bike, I got there and asked if I could leave early as I have not transferred my lights to the borrowed bike, they were fine with me leaving early, although they were having a party I would miss.
I have lost some weight this week but not as much as I hoped, and my exercise chart read 8 hours and 40 minutes exercise, which means despite a difficult week, I did ok.

I came home and had a bath and a rest and my supper and went back out, walking through the rainy autumn night to church social and loving the autumn so much.

Social was good, we had a really good speaker and then the usual tea afterwards.
My plan was to walk home via the shop for milk and the sea as I have barely seen it today, but my friends wanted to give me a lift home because of the rain, so here I am home, tucked into the snuggly bed and ready for a good sleep.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

The rainy weather continues.

I slept deeply, going to bed and falling asleep early, I woke at 3am with nightmares, I slept again and dreamed a soothing and comforting dream, and then some bizarre dreams.
I woke at 9am, a bit late for me, not feeling too well, depressed and with my neck hurting, which of course is the worst pain, and I feel like I have a middle ear infection too, hopefully I will get better as the day goes on.

I do not feel good.

I need 5HTP but I have run out and cannot afford it.

I will go bowling in about an hour and will struggle up to the beach on the new bike in the meantime.

I do not want to go to health and fitness or church social today.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Sunday night

Good evening,

I am for an early night this evening, I hope it doesn't add to my sleep disruption.

This afternoon I produced a very tasty roast dinner, had a bath and had another cycle ride, the sea was lovely with big waves but the rain started pelting down and is not due to stop until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.
So we have heavy rain and high winds, which is typical of October, no matter what the scaremongers say about global warming, the wind and rain comes and then the cold.

I have been sitting in bed, watching Buffy, and because I am warm and snuggly in my bed, I will have an early night.

My chest is tight, I need some blue inhaler and asperin.


Good afternoon,

Please excuse the lack of blog, I have been a bit busy.

Yesterday I went and got some shopping, not much as money is running low again, and I went to chat to some friends, it turns out that they own property including a safe quiet bedsit that they have offered me first refusal on if I do have to leave here.

When I got home I put the washing out as we have had a break in the bad weather and it is about to start again now, so I have just got the washing in.

Anyway, I was talking to various people about my bike, and everyone knows about my bike because it is the equivelant to a mobility scooter to me because I can't walk very well.

Anyway, yesterday evening I calmed down a bit, watched Buffy, and eventually went to bed and slept, I got deep sleep but woke at 4am, I am in remission but not getting enough sleep.

Wide awake at 4am, I got up, took my meds, composed my letters, looked at the lovely red dawn, and went down to the beach with my cup of tea.

When I got back I was vaguely waiting to to take a bath without disturbing  my housemates and ended up with it too close to church time so I never had my bath, I am still waiting to have my bath, but I daren't while I am cooking a small roast dinner again, seeing as the last one went well.

Anyway, this morning I walked up to church, and round the church was cordoned off with police on guard, oh help, what now? But church was open as normal. So I went in, didn't feel  any anxiety, nor giggles, nor anything, I just got on with it, my friends were away but they had texted me so I knew.
At the other church my friends who I sit with were back from holiday so that was ok.
My church people had all got the word about my bike, and bikes in the future were being offered, all of them need checking and the soonest available checked is next saturday, so someone has lent me a bike, they dropped it off after church.
The bike is similar to mine, only chunkier, it is a Raliegh but it is green unlike my blue bike that I am so familiar with. The chunky lent bike is harder to ride and I cannot adjust the saddle so it is a bit short for me, it will build my muscles if I have the strength to ride it, I have to get the light brackets off the blue bike, which is still at Al's and transfer them to the lent bike by tomorrow evening, otherwise I will be in difficulties unless I do a one-off early finish tomorrow evening.

My dinner is cooking, and I would like a bath and another bike ride before it gets dark.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well it has been a busy and stressful time.

Yesterday evening I went to watch lightning storms over the sea again, and got wet again.
Then I went to prayers and they had already got a message to pray for me, so they did, very kind.
After prayers, someone took me to get my bike, we had to take the wheel off.

Last night turned into a bad argument, not with the people who collected my bike though. And it was 1am before I got to bed, which is useless, and my whole routine and all my schedule was mucked up.
There was still lightning flashing, and we momentarily lost power.

I slept, deeply, and woke this morning at 9am, which is fine for a Saturday.

My muscles were more relaxed, I think this massage thing is helping.

I got up, and ended up having an argument with some Jersey troll, so half my morning was wasted when I needed to get the bike to Al.
I got the bike to Al and the silly man wasn't there, no warning, no note, and another woman waiting with a bike with a flat tyre, she tried to phone him, but he didn't answer, and I am not fit and strong and it is not the first time Al has just not been there during opening hours with no note, no warning, so I had to abandon the bike there, locked to the fence.

I really really was not feeling good as I staggered home, I am not fit and well and carrying the bike had taken it's toll.
So it was a lovely surprise when my friends from some distance away were strolling up the road nearby, I was so surprised.
They stopped and I told them all about it.

Today is the anniversary of me being destroyed by Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt. Today I should be at retreat with my friends but because of my adoptives being ill and lack of money, I am not there, my bike is broken, I have not been well, I have been struggling with losing ESA and living on nothing, I have had personal problems in friendships, I have been worried sick about the council inspection.
So, I ended up sitting in the cafe with my friend and telling her all about it.

Then I came home and got the news that the council inspection was bad news. I have not been told for sure, but it looks like I may lose my home.
I don't mind being homeless, my concern is far more that Jane Fisher and Julie Wallman and the rest of the sick and twisted brigade will be snapping at my heels like the hounds of hell because once homeless I will be able to move on and stay out of their reach a bit more, and Fisher doesn't like that, she likes to be in control of me and destroying me at all times.

Anyway, so here I am with that bad news, which is what made me finally break down in tears. But I have put the laundry on, done the washing up, drained the chicken stock, started the stew, now I just have to go and get some meat for tomorrow's dinner, have a bath and then probably sit in bed and do my puzzle and watch movies.

Due to no bike and everything else, I have not seen the sea today, so I must do that. My shoulder is painful because I carried the stoopid bike.

Friday, 10 October 2014


Good evening,

Well I have been too busy to update.

Last night I went out to watch lightning over the sea, which was fun until the squall came swiftly inland and hit me, I got a bit wet.

I struggled to get to sleep but once asleep, I slept through the night.
I woke late, so not remission, but my muscles were fairly relaxed.

I scrambled out of bed, hurtling what bedding hadn't flown during the night all over the place, and hurried through an egg sandwich and a wash and down to where I was due to start a short money management course.
I survived that and came home briefly, then back out to music group.

I went from there to the next town to continue clothes shopping, but the bike broke down so I had to leave it locked there, do my shopping and get myself home before I collapsed.

I have got myself a new jumper and a pair of warm leggings, and I also got an infra red heat/massage thing, I used to have one and I hope it will help.

The weather has been heavy showers all day, with some hail.

I think I will stagger down to prayers this evening, I dunno about the bike.

Anniversary, it is the anniversary of Fisher and Scott-Joynt destroying me, as well as Scott-Joynt's funeral, how chilling. But in a way, I knew this would happen, I dreamed both of his death and of Bishop Dakin when I was in Jersey, but when I emailed Scott-Joynt about that, he treated it with his usual contempt. He is facing God now for destroying me, but that brings no comfort as I wait for the Diocese to destroy me again.