Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Hg's Day - by request

My day starts early, I wake up early to do the newspaper round.
I find it hard to wake and get up, and usually there is just time for me to get dressed, brush my hair, open the window if it isn't open, go to the toilet and make a cup of tea and drink it.

Usually when I make the first cup of tea, I also fill my thermos mug with tea and put it in the garage when I get my bike to go and do the paper round, this is because I crave more tea while I am doing my round and it is nice to have a mug of tea waiting for me as soon as I come back.

When I get home, I have a breakfast break, the length of which depends on where I am working or what I am doing that day.

Normally my breakfast is wholemeal toast with Bertolli, I don't like breakfast cereals and I find the toast keeps me going until lunch, sometimes I have peanut butter on toast. Occasionally I do healthy bacon and eggs for breakfast, and I usually have plenty of tea with my breakfast.

I usually have a shower after breakfast and then I go on the computer and catch up with emails, interactive learning, forums and other things.

Then work, depending on the day, work is variable and flexible. On Wednesdays I tend to go to therapy before work.

Other things I do apart from work include physiotherapy exercises, these are quite extensive and tiring, then there is music practice and preparation for university.
I also do all the housework at this house and I look after the cat.

In the evenings I watch the Simpsons and Hollyoaks and then I tend to turn the tv off, I sometimes watch DVDs later though.

I like to get out on my bike a few times a day if I can, I like biking along the seafront.

Another daily thing is keeping my work diary and ledger up to date as I am self-employed, I work across the district as a gardener and cleaner, but I am only part time due to health and continued stress from the Church of England, which affects me daily.

I get pen letters frequently so I reply to those, I have trouble holding a pen so it can be hard work, I also have a 'language partner' who is learning English and teaching me his native language, that is also to help me with university. My pen pals and I exchange post cards and photos and other little odds and ends and it is a good armchair socialising method. Several of them have social problems as I do, and they find pen palling a good way to have friendships, as I do.

I have been asked a lot about sailing but I am not fit to sail this year, and to be honest, I may never be able to dinghy sail again. I also can't run or play football and also may never do those things again.

I have been asked about what meds I have to take because of the diocese, the answer is none, my meds are mainly asthma related and supplements, I do not take anything related to mental health apart from using 5HTP if I am very low or suffering insomnia, it is not addictive and I use it sparingly anyway. I do not take any mood altering drugs or anything to 'suppress' anything. My meds, like everything else in my life, are all very neatly arranged in little plastic divided containers with the days of the week on them. I changed from being very messy and disorganized in my last life to being very tidy and organized in this life.

I don't put much effort into social life, I belong to a good social network where there are more outings and events that I will ever need and I pick and choose sparingly because I don't like being away from home in the evenings.

I go to car boot sales on Sundays and enjoy that, I usually allow myself some of my paper round wages for that, and I get books, toiletries and odds and ends for the house.

My life isn't boring, it is a bit solitary but that suits me, my life has many aspects to it and I am still shaping it, I have the car and the bike, I live by the sea and everything I need is within walking distance.

At night I go through a shut down routine to encourage me to settle to sleep without anxiety and generally I sleep OK, although I am more troubled by trauma at night.

So, that is basically my life.


Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I went to bed early and slept soundly with no significant dreams.
I woke this morning and went to do the papers, it was a bright start with a calm sea.

I have no work until this afternoon, so I am just going to do paperwork, housework and shopping.

I have done bacon and eggs for breakfast.

Suddenly everything has gone very dark with unforecast rain clouds.

Someone has asked me to describe a day in my life in a different form.
so I will do another post in a minute.


Monday, 3 August 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well most of today has been a day out with my adoptive mum,
It was a nice day, we walked on the cliffs and had lunch up there and talked and wandered about.

So, not much to say, it has been more cloudy today with a bit of drizzle but that didn't matter, and then this evening I have been watching my programmes and doing a bit of prep and just having a quiet evening.


Monday morning

Good morning peeps.

Well last night 'Humans' came to a fascinating and splintered conclusion, thankfully not too violent this time, and that is it until the next series.
This was yesterday's episode:
http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2015/aug/02/humans-recap-season-one-episode-eight-the-big-finale

Humans is on really late for me, it starts at 9pm and finishes at 10, when I normally have my television off by 8.30pm, and when I have been watching Humans and drinking tea in the advert breaks when I shouldn't be drinking tea that late, I end up not going to bed on time and sometimes watching humans repeated on +1 which is not good either, so it was 11pm and later before I was in bed and today is not a normal day so that was silly of me, I also have a theory that watching something like humans last thing at night triggers nightmares and vivid dreams.

The first dream that I recall was a nightmare, I dreamed I was very high up on a tall building, sitting on some sort of lift thing, you know the ones they clean windows with on skyscrapers? anyway, I was on this lift thing with a few other people, and instead of window cleaning we were being given a kind of tourist tour, very exclusive, but two of the people were drunk and fooling around, and they bumped me and I ended up plummeting off this skyscraper towards the ground, trying to tell myself there was nothing I could do but close my eyes and hope it was quick.
I do not remember hitting the ground in the dream, I remember waking up parylysed in the dream.
I still have no idea why I get these very clear and detailed dreams but someone once told me to write a book about them.

Anyway, I woke up feeling very hot and sick despite the windows being open, so I took my top off, drank some squash and slept again.
I usually need something to drink at night so I have a jug of squash nicely out of reach of my habit of flailing and lashing out in my sleep.

Anyway, I slept again and dreamed about the church of england, mainly in the dreams I was homeless and they were trying to take over and forcibly build me a home while I protested that it was not what I wanted.

Anyway, I woke feeling ill in good time to go and deliver the papers.
It is a grey start to the day after all the bright weather and I am hoping it will clear so that I can have a nice day out with my adoptive mother.
I think we will stay well away from the cliff edges after that awful dream.
I am nervous to even go and collect the adoptive because I have never driven down there or parked there. Nor have I driven the route I intend us to take for the day out.


Sunday, 2 August 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I was confusedly dazing around this morning, trying to work my way through the Sunday lag when I can't work out what I am supposed to be doing, but I had got as far as vaguely wandering through the shower and drinking a lot of tea and preparing to go to the car boot sale.
All of a sudden there was a bright orange knock on the door.

Bright orange knocks on the door usually happen in the week, when the postman has parcels, but never on a Sunday.
I still have PTSD so I do not like luminous or dayglo knocks on the door of any kind.
But luckily this time it was good news, I had heard nothing about the car repair, so I was not sure what was happening, and this was car repair triumphant.
He had a cold so I did him hot lemon drink while he replaced the ignition amplifier on the car, and the car burst into life and yelled about how it wanted to hurtle off down the road.

I think I now have a cold, but I also have a working car.

The car is such a big responsibility, such a change to my life, but now, second time around now it is working well, I feel more confident in driving it.

I drove to the car boot sale. I got used to parking in town and doing a parking card.
At the car boot sale I got some of the special face wash that you can't buy in shops, my skin is fussy and it comes out in sores with some skin and face washes so I have to stick to the ones I know I can use. It is an Avon brand that I like but I don't order from Avon so I look at the car boot sales.

I came home safe and well, having made myself drive round the seafront car parking circuits (don't ask!) and that was fine.
I stopped for groceries on the way home, and did some chicken when I got home, watched some of mean girls2 again, still feeling lost and unsure what to do with myself, I went for another drive around, getting used to driving and enjoying seeing the hills from yet another perspective.
I didn't quite end up where I planned but that is because I am not used to driving here, but I had a nice drive.

Came home, felt lost, and and went out on my bike, it was kite surfer weather on the bay, and I can still hear the sea roaring now. So no swimming.

I decided that feeling lost meant going to the welfare would help,
I wandered down there and was fed nutritious food and included in everything and felt great about being there.
Then I wandered off again and applied for a delivery driving job, haha, I really am living my life over again, going backwards forwards.
Only the blue bike and the cat weren't in my last life, so I think I prefer this one.

Humans is on at 9pm so I have time for a very scented type shower before then, and tomorrow I am apparently entertaining my adoptive mum, I haven't seen her since we were having chicken wings and hilarity in a restaurant far far away.
I intend to take her to one of my favourite places on earth for the day and I am sure she will love it! Last time I took her for a day out we went glass blowing, which was awesome!

I have been reading the driving manual just to make sure I do know how to drive, the problem is, I still associate driving with trauma in my last life, but I seem to be OK.






Sunday morning

Good morning,

Please excuse the lack of blog.

I can't even remember Friday evening,
and not because I was drunk!
Well actually I remember my landlady suddenly deciding she was going to move a whole family in here in three weeks time.
She is a fruit loop, she expects me to find a home in three weeks when the notice period is a month and she wants to move a friend's family in here!
Well, she has left me running here house singlehanded and looking after her cat, so what did I expect?

So anyway, I had to start trying to find a flat, I can't really afford it but low rent shared accommodation is too unsettled.

So that spoiled my weekend.
I watched 'Mean Girls' until I fell asleep.

Yesterday morning I did the heavy papers and then the Postman arrived with loads of parcels, mainly my textbooks, but also some parcels for my landlady, which she expects us to be here and sign for!

I think a flat is a big financial commitment, but it was on the cards anyway. A flat is a smaller area to look after and I will not be clearing up after other people, it will mean I can concentrate on my work and study.
However, I don't think I can afford the deposit and first month's rent on the flat I viewed yesterday.

Anyway, yesterday I got my text books and student diary and planner. So I started some reading.

And then I viewed this flat, it is a few minutes from here, unfurnished, sea views, well we all have sea views here, I can see ships floating past the bathroom window in this house.
The flat would be fine if I could budget it, but I don't think I can, what a shame, I have to let them know by Monday evening.

So, I got my hair cut after viewing the flat, just a trim.
Then I got into a swimsuit and beach clothes and biked down to the beach, it was a warm afternoon and the beach was busy, I dived in and had a swim.

When I got home I washed the beach things and put 'Mean Girls 2' on because I have never watched it before.
It was a bit different, no Lindsey Lohan or Janis Ian or Samantha Ronson, More of a spin-off. Still based at North Shore and using expressions like 'Plastics' and 'Mean girls' but a totally different set-up.
I really liked Jo, her character is very much my kind of girl! (and those of you who still think I am gay, shut up!), it's a pity Jo changed a bit due to her war with the plastics, and that is similar to the original when Cady changed because of the plastics.

Anyway, Mean girls 2 is a bit like Kickass2, seemingly has to be very dramatic, very cruel, in order to keep attentions, but it is good in it's own way, just very little similarity to Mean Girls.

I was very tired last night so I fell into bed at 8.30, the cat couldn't be bothered to get lost so he stayed on the end of the bed, purring thoughtfully to himself as I fell into deep empty sleep.
The cat decided to go for breakfast at 4am this morning but I didn't join him, I slept again and dozed when the alarm went off as Sunday is a later start.

I got to the shop and for once I was the last in for the rounds, I got my wages and drifted round the easy Sunday round.

Now I am just drifting and watching Mean Girls2 again.
The sun is shining and there are car boot sales today.

The Open Air play is not until Friday, so it won't clash with 'Humans'.

Ah, yesterday the cat ran in front of my bike when I got home, same leg again, very bruised and scratched now! That and a burn on my hand from the grill makes me feel all wounded and mournful :)







Friday, 31 July 2015

Friday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well last night I watched my favourite 'Coast' for once in a long while, and then watched another sea-based programme, full of whales and gannets and fish.

Then I went to bed tired at 10pm and slept reasonably well, the newly washed linen was really quite comfortable and nice.
I woke this morning from vague dreams, I was quite comfy but I got up, did the cups of tea, checked everything online and then headed out to do the papers.

It was the heavy local papers day, so the round was heavy but I wandered through it without really noticing, and stopped to get my local paper on the way back down.
I nearly came off my bike and bruised and scratched my leg quite badly.

When I got home I didn't have much time to do things, just grabbed breakfast, read the local paper and had a quick shower before my friend collected me for work.

I worked hard this morning, laying bark chippings on a garden that I have worked hard to clear, and the weather is very warm today, so as I am recovering from a relapse (the extreme tiredness I keep grumbling to you about), I only worked the morning, and cheerfully messaged everyone to tell them I was barking! :)
The relapses are so rare that I forget that is what they are.

I am really pleased with the barking and how that garden is turning out, it is nearly under control and will be easy to look after next year.

I am home for lunch, although I just seem to be drinking tea, I am waiting for the post man who seems to be late, as I will have to sign for stuff.
Then I have to drop my self-employed accounts at the council office and post a letter to America.

Then I guess it is the weekend, I am actually having the weekend off due to no contract work this weekend and my disabled client doesn't need help this weekend. So seeing as the house is spotless - even the dishwasher is washed! I will actually have a weekend off, beach time, movies and BBQs?
I have a haircut booked for tomorrow afternoon, and I think I am supposed to be going to an open air play on Sunday? If it clashes with 'Humans' then count me out, call me an ignorant boor if you will, but a trashy sci-fi drama series wins over a sophisticated Shakespeare open air play! :) Well it is the last in this series of 'Humans'.

And of course Sunday also brings car boot sales and our next effort to get the car running again.

The weather is glorious and I am very happy to actually have a weekend off for once!

I have been chatting with other new students online, modern technology means I can simply meet fellow students without even meeting them! :)


Thursday, 30 July 2015

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well all my contract work for the weekend was cancelled, but it is so fickle that I don't rely on it.

So I decided not to go and do a garden clearance today, to do it tomorrow instead.

So today I stayed here and cleaned everything in sight and also did a few hours of gardening here, then had a swim in the sea and then did a BBQ and salad.

I did all the washing including my bed linen, I still have to put the linens back on the bed but the cat has parked himself firmly on the duvet and I don't fancy multiple lacerations. The cat can be very rude and I think I should rename him 'swipe'. But sometimes he is very polite also.

I have done my university prep, and basically the day has drifted by quite quickly.






Thursday morning

Good morning peeps,

I had a slightly troubled night but woke OK this morning, I was dreaming about old friends who Jane Fisher alienated me from.

I did the papers, the morning air was cold for the first time, people never believe me but I say August is the slide downhill to Autumn.
The sea was calm on a full but slowly ebbing tide.

I got home and immediately started housework although I feel very tired, I did the kitchen surfaces and hobs, and I put my clothes and towels on to wash.
The clothes and towels are now out on the line in the pleasant sunshine, and I am going to put the bed linens on now.

I think due to tiredness I will try not to work this morning but will do some work this afternoon, and then I will only have one garden and the contract work for the next few days.

I have also twisted my good knee somehow, so I need to take things easy.


Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I am tired.

Last night I went to bed early and slept.
But I woke at 4am, my shoulder was troubling me so I took codeine, which was probably a mistake.
I nearly overslept when I fell asleep again.

I struggled out of bed at 6.45 and did my round as usual.

Then I went for therapy, and that went OK.
Then I went to work and worked hard, the weather was warm and breezy.

I came home via the pound shop and got household stuff.

I am just watching my programmes and cooking meat and potatos for supper.
I am too tired to do anything tonight so I will have an early night. Maybe watch some DVDs before I fall asleep because sleeping too early will make me wake during the night which doesn't help.




Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well, I am so tired. I am so tired these days that I want to stay in bed in the morning and I want to go to sleep right now, I think I will go to bed soon but it means I will wake in the night.

Anyway, I had two gardens to do today so I did those, easy work, lawn mowing and edges. But I felt so tired, so so tired.
The other problem is that physio is hurting my shoulder, which worries me, I will have to stop that part and ask a doctor.
That shoulder hates treatment but I am as worried as ever about leaving it to continue to cause problems.

Anyway, I got home from work and did a steak and kidney pie for tea, and a nice cuppa, and I had just started those when someone arrived to look at the car again.

I left my pie and cuppa and hoped the cat wouldn't eat them. My old cats would have done.

We looked at the car, it turned out that the problem wasn't the spark plugs, in fact we narrowed it down to ignition coil and amplifier, we managed to flatten the battery while we did that!

The verdict is, he is going to order a new amplifier and coil but he is away until the weekend and he will come and fit them then.
So that norty car of mine will just have to sit there until then.

I was relieved that at least he really knew the car engine and narrowed it down and I won't have to pay to have the car towed or pay the labour costs that the garage charges.
Cars are expensive and sometimes troublesome! I knew that.

Anyway, I came back in to watch Hollyoaks and have my supper, the cat was curled up peaceful and purring a few feet from my untouched supper. He looked at me hopefully and didn't move, so I made a fuss of him and gave him some meat from the pie and a saucer of milk, he purred even more, he is a happy cat, although recently he seems to be day dreaming more.

I am having Guernsey type premonition and Hollyoaks has been triggering minor flashbacks.

Tomorrow I have therapy and then work.

I think I have no choice but to go to bed now, I am too tired, it is only ten past eight.

I have a nice letter to read and reply to, I will do that tomorrow.

I managed to find Pingu and the doorbell at last: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDkAiR14DeI


Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept well, with the main window slightly open to allow the breeze, the wind had died down so it was nice.
When I have the window open and it is breezy, I dream about life on the streets :)

Anyway, I woke from vague dreams and went delivering papers, it is still breezy but bright with it.

I have been plodding through university stuff this morning and also doing physiotherapy, I am supposed to do a massive physio routine three times a day, no way! Where would I get the time and energy? Once a day is almost too much!

I have been doing paperwork as well, and now all I have to do is my music and I will be all caught up on my tasks.

I have two gardens to do this afternoon, just a quick mow mainly, and then we are going to try again with the car this evening.

I must remember to do the bins later.

Right, music, bike along the seafront, quick shop, dinner, and back to work.


Monday, 27 July 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well with my contract work for today cancelled and the weather too wild for work, I got my accounts made up for the council and HMRC, and did extensive physio and some studying.
I don't know how time went past so quickly, but I am out of energy now.

We tried to jump start the car this evening but it isn't the battery and so it is spark plugs tomorrow.

I am just boiling eggs for supper but I am not very hungry.

Tomorrow I have a gap which used to be physio time, but I have two gardens in the afternoon.

Our new housemate has wandered off for a few weeks, I think.

The cat has been in a very cheerful mood today, but all I can see now is the occasional paw or ear as he washes himself behind the door, funny cat.

The waves were huge on the sea today :)
I have biked round town and along the bay a few times. Town is very crowded with tourists, worse than usual tonight, I decided not to go into the supermarkets as they are so busy.

I saw a sign in town saying 'Part time drivers wanted' and I just thought 'I will ask my part time car!'
Haha, no, I can't work there as they have had some incidents and I am not sure it is safe to work for them. And I am not sure the old car will be up to any work anyway, it can wait till I buy the sexy car that tried to give my car the kiss of life this evening - a red version of my beloved old car that perished in Jersey. I have said I want that car when it has had an overhaul.

Hollyoaks was dramatic as usual but I had to mute some of it to prevent flashbacks.
And I have to note that I have to do that still because it means I still have PTSD with active triggers and whatever and blad-dee-blah.

I should do some music and eat my supper but I would like to be asleep really.
sleeeppzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Monday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept but was dreaming sad dreams.

I woke up wondering if I should go back to bed when I got home from doing the papers, I am still wondering that, just to ease the tiredness.

It is a bright day but with strong winds, I have two gardens I can do including here but they are flexible to do later in the week.

I went out delivering papers, the sea is rough and the tide is in, the wind is strong but has backed to come over the hills so it wasn't bothering me too much, it is due galeforce today and my other gardening customer doesn't like me being out working in that kind of weather, plus I don't think I could bike out there.

Anyway, I had to go back to the shop halfway through my round as there was a mistake in the papers, so despite being there promptly, I didn't get home early.

Did you see 'Humans' last night? Very dramatic, next week is the last in the series, what will happen? And how will I get used to not watching it when it finishes?
I think the highlight was Sophie teaching Niska to play, anyway :) She really got the hang of it in the end.

http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2015/jul/26/humans-recap-season-one-episode-seven-outstanding-and-unnerving

I am tired. But I am waking up now, maybe not back to bed.
I have had my usual wholemeal toast, and a banana. Why is banana spelled like that?

The sun is shining and the cat is sitting at the patio windows purring vaguely to himself about nothing. He is a happy cat today.

I had a suddent realization as I did my paper round this morning, I have started to get better from post traumatic stress since I quit church, I always knew church caused trauma but I went because I thought I should. But church has been the source of terrible abuse and damage to me for so long that it is simply a place that harms me, even if the church of england who did the damage are no longer part of my life, apart from their occasional intrusions and attacks.
No wonder I have got so much better!




Sunday, 26 July 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a quiet day, apart from the weather.
The weather has raged, and I have just been studying after cleaning the house, and getting some music done and also replying to the pile of pen letters that arrived on the mat yesterday.

My room is tidy, most of my work is done. And Humans is on in a few minutes.

This evening the rain died out so I biked down to the sea, the waves were massive, and my housemate was down there getting pictures. It was too windy to bike far.

I managed to do all my physio today, I must pay attention and do physio every day, even if the ice bottle made me feel ill today.

aww, just watching humans, very sad, 'You have died George' he said.




10th Interview with HG

Interview from Jersey (anyone is welcome to send me interview questions):

1. Do you every go to rock pools and try and see the sea creatures?

I used to, we don't have rock pools on the bay but nearby bays do, I used to do low water fishing in Jersey and we used to find all sorts of sea creatures.

2. What sea creatures have you seen in rock pools or the sea? Did you keep any for a while in a bucket or jar? 
Yes I have kept sea creatures in a jars and buckets, blenny, razor fish, star fish, all sorts of stuff.

3. Have you visited an aquarium? What fish did you see there?
Yes I have visited various aquariums and seen rays, seahorses, starfish -which we were allowed to handle, all sorts of things, sharks, pretty fish all sorts. I was even offered a job at seaworld but the pay was bad.

4. What's the oddest fish you have ever seen?
The barrel Jellyfish we have had washed up here.

5. Have you seen jellyfish? Where?
Yes, here and at grev d' lecq, I remember everyone exiting the water at Grev when the jellyfish sailed into town! :) we have had barrel jellyfish here the last few summers.

6. What kinds of boats do you like to sail in?
All sorts! I love sailing, I have just been offered a sail for Cowes Week, the biggest international sailing convention, but I am going to turn it down as my rehabilitation is still in progress and I am not ready to sail this year, certainly not dinghys anyway, although I have been on the boats a bit, mainly doing work but not sailing.

7. Do you get seasick?
Not really, I got seasick one time on a yacht between Jersey and France but I think I was ill anyway, I used to see everyone getting sick on ferries between England and the Channel Island in rough weather but I was never sick.

8. Do you swim underwater?
I can but due to my health at the moment I don't tend to.

9. What is the longest you have ever swum?
Good question, due to asthma I don't swim for long ever, I do about 20-30 lengths in the pool but my sea swims are not long or I get too tired and can get ill.  I love swimming.

10. Do you like low tide or high tide best?
I like high tide as it is easier for a swim and wave jumping and keeping an eye on my bike and clothes, , but my friends prefer low tide for some reason. I like the tide right up to the wall, but the others like to walk down the hard sand to swim.

11. Have you walked to Elizabeth Castle?
Yes, many times, I had fun with the interactive history out there and I used to threaten to go and live in the hermatige often too. Who was the guy who used to live out there as caretaker and get drunk and have mishaps with his rowing boat? Haha, didn't he have to be rescued at some point? :) I think they rescued many packs of beer off his boat but couldn't find him for a while? :) He was quite popular. And no, it wasn't St. Helier Himself! 

12. Have you walked or swam around or to Green Island?
Oh yes, we used to picnic there at the weekend, I loved Green Island because the beach on the other side was like an empty paradise beach, oh those were the days, it was such fun.  Yes I swum off there many times and the rocks and waters round there were very interesting. I remember it getting hard to park at green island for some reason though.
You are making me long for those old days of green island and low water fishing and picnics! :) For some reason I don't do all that stuff any more  but I am still going through rehabilitation and it takes so much of my time!



Thank you for interviewing me.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Hey, I am not so tired, maybe I am right about it being the heat that does it, as it is pouring with rain again.

I had massive terrible flashbacks during the night, but I slept as well and argued moodily with the alarm alarm clock when it went off, I was worried about oversleeping though even though Sunday is a later start, so I cuddled the alarm clock.

I got up, made tea and then headed for the shop, I have yet another new paper on my round, more work for me but it is a sign of success that my round is gathering new customers, I got my wages today as well, more money for the car repair kitty.

The rain started as I got home. The Sunday round is relatively quick and easy.

I got in and housemate one had gone to work and housemate two was/is presumably still asleep, so the cat borrowed my bed, and made a great fuss about it, and I took advantage of the absence of housemates to give the house a thorough clean before putting myself in the shower for a thorough clean.

So now I am watching Hollyoaks omnibus.
I need to go to the store for meat and potatoes for lunch later and I am awaiting a call from friends who are looking for jump leads, we may be able to jump start the little horror and then I can drive it to a garage, but if not, another friend with AA membership is going to see if he can get here and use his membership to get something done.

It is raining torrentially with a strong wind, no car boot sales for me today! Or anyone for that matter.
I have plenty of studying to do, and I am pleased to have got my student loan and be enrolled on my modules now.
My fellow students start studying in October, I started prepping a month ago due to my learning difficulties. It is hard to look forward with the devil of Winchester on my back but I am looking forward to October.

I need to do my business accounts for the council to say 'hmm' about.






Saturday, 25 July 2015

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well the carnival is over, it has disbanded into boozing down the front.

I am so tired I can hardly write this. Maybe more tea would help.

This morning the mechanic checked my bike and tightened some things, it is still not perfect but he says it won't break.

Then I went to work.
I was so tired I thought of turning back a few times, and I shortened my work shift, but it was OK, I got enough done.

The routes home were already getting busy by the time I headed home.

I remember being this tired on carnival day last year, it must be the heat. I needed a walking stick then, and I could have done with one today.

Anyway, I got home with plenty of time. So I showered and put on clean clothes and went to the shop for a few things.

Then I went down to see what the carnival preparations were doing, but there wasn't much to see. So I came home, put a BBQ on, put my work clothes on a quick wash and did the dishwasher.

By the time carnival time was nearly here, my clothes were drying on the line and I had had some tasty BBQ.

Then I walked down with the crowds. Our road was closed, how funny to live in the middle of the road closures.
I walked down to see the floats as they waited and were judged.
I love to see them and share the happiness of the prizewinners.
The sea was playing up to the occasion as well, with a full tide and crisp clean big waves, and it was so warm that people were swimming.

Then I did the same as last year, walked up the main road ahead of the parade and waited for it in a place where there was plenty of space.
Everyone was talking and whistling and waving things, and then they cheered as the flashing lights marked the start of the parade.

I stood there and watched the parade as it went up the main road, then I cut back into my road to see it all again, it is easier on the back roads because you can get to the collection buckets and shout to each float that they are the best.

By the end of the parade through the back streets, I was close to home.

Wow I am tired.



Saturday morning

Good morning on this lovely sunny day,

Yesterday we were battered by torrential rain.
Today the sun has his hat on for the children's festival, the children's carnival yesterday was spoiled by rain but they will join the main parade today, which is confusing because the floats usually have children on them anyway.

Well I slept last night but had vivid dreams and woke reluctantly and feeling tired.

I stumbled out to do the papers at about 6.50, and of course it was the concrete slab weekend papers, so that didn't help.

The sea was very calm and the sun was out, it is changeover day for the grockles down on the front, so I was dodging coaches and crowds of elderly people admiring the sea.

Anyway, I got back a bit late and my neighbour didn't comment on me being late, I knock on his door and hand him the Saturday papers because he prefers that, he is the last customer on my round.

My contract work is now postponed to Monday, so I just have one garden about 8 miles away to do, but I have to wait for someone to come round and check my bike over first, the person I garden for is disabled and usually alone at the weekend, so he likes me to do Saturdays so he can have a shower and feel safe that if he falls, I am there to call an ambulance. He also likes the company, he gets isolated sometimes.

But I want to get back and get sorted before the carnival, and not get caught up in crowds coming to see the carnival, I am OK being among the crowds on the streets but not so good with crowded public transport.

The bike needs checking as it recently had the gears replaced and has developed a rattle, the mechanic is in our locality today, presumably because his son is going to the kids festival, so he is going to drop round and check the bike, which is kind of him, he knows about what the bike means to me.

I am so miffed I have not got a decent camera for the carnival. Last year I had a camera and was getting photos and people on floats obligingly posed and waved for me.
I guess it is nice just to watch this year.

I am just debating, peanut butter on toast or healthy bacon and eggs, hmmm.
I think I will wind the cat up with that egg toy.
The cat was being strange this morning, he was awake but it was like there was no-one home when I made a fuss of him, he didn't seem to know I was there.
He's OK now, he is back in hungry and attention seeking mode.




Friday, 24 July 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a very rainy day.

This morning I felt too tired for work but I ended up doing a five and a quarter hour shift without a break, then I biked home through the rain.
The rain has been torrential.

Once I got home, I got on with university prep, and the university contacted me to say Student finance have processed my loan.

It has continued to pour with rain so I have continued to study, rain means no beach, no cycling, no gardening, no distraction.

I watched my programmes, I won't say anything about Hollyoaks preview, because I may have readers who don't watch it or who want to wait until Monday, but wow! Dramatic! And seeing as I am in a flashback episode about the police anyway, it was a bit of a trigger but I am kind of OK.

I was expecting a very hard day tomorrow, heavy papers first thing, then contract shift then a garden eight miles away, but my contract shift has been postponed until Monday, which makes life easier and I still get paid next week for today and Monday's shifts.

So Saturday is bearable and hopefully the weather will be better for the carnival.
I have cancelled my evening out tonight.
So tired and the rain is so heavy.

I am just trying to juggle money figures, rent, therapy fees, car stuff, bike stuff - the bike is being looked at tomorrow, etc.
No progress with the car yet.

I am tired and achy. I really struggle to relax, waiting for the Church of England to attack me publicly again or have me beaten and imprisoned again makes life very hard.

At least the cat is installed purringly in my room, he doesn't like rain. I found a toy at work, a clockwork green egg with legs and a silly smile, you wind it up and it shuffles along, the cat is fascinated and forgets all about washing to watch this egg and then slap it and send it flying.






Friday morning

Good morning,

It is raining and I am tired and I was having horrific nightmares about Jersey and the diocese and police and I am really shaken.
I have the heavy papers to do and then work.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Feeling tired and overwhelmed.
Sometimes the rebuild of my life is far too big and out of control for me.

Today I seem to have got so little done and still I am shattered, I have been very tired recently, more tired than usual.
Trying to juggle too much, metaphorically speaking.
I am sure if you read regularly you will have some understanding of that.

Well anyway, the car still isn't fixed and the bike is playing up, and I had to debug the computer, etc etc, so that and the exploding hoover and cat litter. What a week.

I have been out on the bike, picked up a prescription for a new inhaler spacer and posted a letter to Germany, been doing university prep and looking at book keeping for my work, and trying to get the computer debugged when it was hacked earlier.

I seem to have got very little done and ended up very tired, well actually I was very tired to start with.

Tomorrow I have the heavy papers and contract work, so I am going to bed soon.
The cat is already in bed, or on bed, and he is going to be his usual nuisance self when i go to bed.

Goodnight peeps.

I nearly forgot to say, I have had a spate of bad flashbacks this afternoon :( horrors of Jane Fisher and her police.


Thursday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept well last night, dreamed vaguely about my Dad and family, unsurprising as I talked about them in therapy yesterday.
I woke reluctantly and fell out of bed and into clothes and a cup of tea, then I went and did my papers.
If you are ever looking for strange people, they inhabit the streets of our town in the early morning. This morning a man walking along looking at the sky, and a man walking along looking at his phone both nearly bumped into me as I threw newspapers hopefully in the direction of their recipient houses.

The sea was calm on a full tide and the sun was out, it was very peaceful and serene.
I was due to do that course today but due to the car being out of action I am at home, so I am just doing university prep at the moment.
I will be doing paperwork and looking at various books and things today and maybe doing some gardening here, I hope to either get a jump start or a mobile mechanic today or tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have contract work in the morning then either a free afternoon or a garden, then I am going for a meal in the evening.
Then Saturday I have a full day's work and then we have the carnival.
Carnival = Battle of flowers, same thing. Only these days I watch instead of help, I wish I had the energy of my youth, but even back then, marshalling for Battle was hard because some people were determined to get in without tickets and some were quite unpleasant.

Anyway, as some of you know, I am an occasional fan of Tony the Prof's Jersey current affairs blogs, and I like this one today. UK, USA and Europe people may need some translating done for them but Jersey people will get it and it is universally funny:
 http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/sporting-new-body.html






Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well, it has been a bit of a day.

This morning I was pleased to get my round done quickly, and had plenty of time to prepare for my day.

It is a good thing then that I also allowed a lot of time to get to the therapy assessment.
The car wouldn't start.

Damndamndamn.

It started OK yesterday, but previous to me buying it it has been sitting on a driveway for some time.
I have been through everything and it is possible it just needs a battery charge, so a message has gone round 'Any jump leads anyone?' so far none, but we know a good but busy mobile mechanic so it is just about waiting.

However, this morning I ended up in a flat panic, grabbing the blue bike and zooming off to get to the therapy assessment, what a state to end up in for an assessment!
Haha, the therapy assessment went fine and I will now be attending therapy every Wednesday.

Then I had to bike to work, fortunately only a few miles from therapy.

It was a warm day but the shed would wait no longer, it was a shed clearing day.
And you know what I told you about the hoover vomiting on me yesterday?
Today a bag of cat litter exploded on me instead.

I go to work each day in a crisp, clean, dark coloured polo shirt, and I come home in a less crisp clean white coloured polo shirt.

Anyway, so I biked home tired and rather white (no, actually it mostly came out).
Then I relaxed with my programmes and did little else as I was so tired.

Tried to start the car again, and went to get some oil for it, our only local petrol station was almost completely out of oil, what it had left was certainly not the type for my car!
That petrol station reminds me of the one at Millbrook in Jersey, so similar, but even worse.
So I gave up and came off the inner road and onto the bay and biked along in the evening sunshine.

It is nearly bed time and I have postponed tomorrow's course until next month, because I originally cancelled my paper round for tomorrow due to the course, then got the car and said I would be able to do the round before going on the course, and now the car is broken. I think I should do my round, not mess the bosses about, and I should take the course next month when my confidence in driving into town is better and I have a working car! Very Annoying though.

So tomorrow can be spent on doing the garden here, paperwork, and other household tasks.


Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept well and woke bright and early with very little sleepiness, so the papers went out swiftly and I was home by 7.15.

It is warm and cloudy with a breeze, and the tide is in with a low wave breaking on the shore.
It is due to be sunny later.

My day today is driving to be assessed for therapy, and the driving from there to work.

Tomorrow I have to drive into town for a course, I am not greatly looking forward to it but seeing as it is being provided for me and may help me, I may as well do it.
But it means I may not update as usual tomorrow.


Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well the blog stats have gone mad, I hope it isn't because the diocese of winchester think me having a car means I will crash their party, silly old diocese, I could go and sit on their doorstep and grumble any time, car or not,but it makes them worse, I think I will stay in my playground and dream peacefully and chew them crossly when they play silly press release games.
Just to clarify, the car makes no difference at the moment apart from currently being a massive stress for me for the moment until I get used to it, and it will not mean I stray from home, because I have no desire to travel at all.

Anything that comes back into my life that I lost through the Diocese of Winchester causes me major stress, as you may remember even the keyboard and music in January left me under stress and having flashbacks, the car is the same but bigger.
But I will not be driving and having flashbacks, my PTSD has lessened greatly, which is why I felt able to get a car, the flashbacks are more like memories of how it was before with a car, and basically I need to remember driving before.

Anyway, this morning I crawled sleepily round my paper round -on the bike of course.
Then I sleepily scrambled myself through shower and a hint of breakfast.
Then I got in the car, sat there looking at the controls.
And eventually, after stalling, haha, I drove off the driveway, I drove without any trouble, through the residential areas and onto the main road.
The main road was quiet and everyone gave me space, and in a very short time I was at work.

Work today was my hard shift, caretaking the big house while no-one is there, it is a lot of hard work, made worse by the damn rude hoover.
The hoover at that house is extremely impolite and I told it so in no uncertain terms, the house is under renovation and when I put the hoover on, it refused to suck anything up and when I tried to repair it, it spat plaster and plaster dust all over me! It really did! If anyone had been there with a camcorder,  then they could have won £250 on you've been framed! Me trying to unblock the hoover and suddenly disappearing in a cloud of plaster dust!
And believe it or not, the hoover still wasn't working and so I tried again, and guess what happened!

Err, third time lucky with my operations on the hoover. It wasted half an hour of a very tight schedule of work and I am going to have to explain that to the people I work for.

That work is very hard, it is a huge house and I have to do a lot during my time there, so I was tired and running late when I finished, but it was my own job today, so I drove carefully home, and then it was into beach clothes, onto the bike and down to the sea for a refreshing dip, the tide was in but the waves were messy, messy waves get you, you can't jump them all and they come at angles and choke you.

Home again and clothes in the wash, sweeping the floors as well, and then watching my programmes,
Hollyoaks has been thoroughly watched and the bins are out, the cat is curled up on my bed, and we have a house guest for a while, which always throws my routine but it is OK.

Can anyone remember what else I need to do? Was it studying, paperwork or sleeping?




Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I fell into bed late and tired last night.
I didn't take 5HTP but I did take anti-histamine and also some codeine because the migraine came back slightly, I also used the ice bottle again.
I slept through and woke sleepy but not groggy this morning and went out delivering papers in the peaceful sunlit streets, the sea was throwing low waves along the shore.

I am just having my usual time to regroup and sort myself out before I go to work, the only difference is that I have to drive to work today, alone.
The first bit of the first drive is residential areas but then I go onto the fast road, I hope the other drivers see the P-plates and are patient with me.

I had P-plates on my first car when I passed my test and I drove to work in West Sussex and the boss said 'It look's like someone P'd on your car!'
idiot.
I was less nervous then because I was so used to driving that car, I used to drive it round and round with my landlord dozing in the passenger seat or telling me great tales of his days in the navy etc. Some quite rude stories at times, haha, bless him, I don't know where he is buried but one day I will go pay my respects, he was a nice honest man who I lodged with for years when I was in my earl y 20s and escaped the awful sheltered house to move closer to my work.

It is a warm sunny morning and I will be working hard, the family I am working for today are away so they have given me extra jobs to do while they are out of the way. I will have to remember to take milk or all-in-one coffee as there will be no milk in the fridge there for my tea.
I have to be careful with all in one coffee as it has some sort of dried milk in it, although I don't seem to have too much reaction to it in that context.

If the sun is still out and the sea is good, I will swim later, that will be nice.

Tomorrow I have my therapy assessment in the morning and then work in the afternoon.
Then the next day I am on a course, and that is when my driving will be challenged, driving into town and parking!


Monday, 20 July 2015

9th Interview with HG

Good evening, this interview has arrived in response to my new car arriving: 

Interview


1. When did you learn to ride a bicycle? What make if you remember?I was 7 years  old when I learned to ride a bike, my brothers and sisters even those younger than me, had already learned but I struggled to learn, an early sign of my learning and motor problems that went unnoticed.

The bike was a yellow 'Boxer Bike' which I loved but my mum threw it away in a fit of madness, such as were not uncommon.



2. When did you learn to drive a car?

This is a tricky one, I struggled for years to learn to drive, from age 17, but I was terrified of the instructors, who were still almost all male even then, but I learned to drive after having a motor bike for two years and gaining confidence on the roads before buying my landlord's old car from him and he taught me to drive it as I had no fear of him. I passed my test in 2004 in that car and was confident driving it straight away.



3. Where was it that you learnt to drive?

I can't print that on here.



4. Did you have a lot of lessons?

yes, as explained above.


5. What was your first car?

A Peuguot 205, it was a great car and I loved it, the fuel pump went after a year and it wasn't cost effective to repair it.


6. What is your favourite car?

Peugeot 106 or 206, no other cars need apply. I do not need a big car or a flash car, just a car that is reliable and drives well and I prefer small cars, after all, I don't need a big car.



7. Would you like a Herbie car (Walt Disney Volkswagen)?

Well, I have a bike with a life and character of it's own,  I think a car like that would be terrifying, no, actually I don't think I would want a Herbie car, although I enjoy the films.


8. What's the biggest car you have ever driven?

To be honest, I don't recall ever driving a big car.  I have driven tractors that are huge but my cars have always been small, I drove a Peuguot 306 once, what a heavy lump of a car! 


9. What's your favourite speed (if a straight road) - 30 mph, 40 mph, 50 mph (if allowed) or higher?

In the past I loved fast driving, and motorways, but I have grown up now, and as you (the interviewer) are probably aware, I live in a country area where there is not a lot of fast driving and I am very content with 30 or 40 now I am back on the road.


10. Do you give your cars a name (like Herbie!)

Yes, I cannot recall the first car's name, or the second one, the third one was my beloved Anna, who perished in Jersey, then there was Warrior, who perished because the Diocese of Winchester hounded me from my home in the summer of 2010, leading to the money saved for the car repair to be spent on fleeing, and that isn't in the Korris report! My new car does have a name, carried over from the previous owners who have just sold it to me, but due to identity and location, the  name cannot be published here.

Thank you for interviewing me.

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I was concerned both by a migraine and by the weather earlier, I didn't go to work, after doing various study and paperwork, I crept into bed with an ice bottle for my neck and shoulder.
The cat heartily agreed with this decision and purred noisily about it as he curled up next to me.

I slept for several hours, dreamed a lot and couldn't wake when the phone rang.

When I woke, the phone had just stopped ringing again and it was nearly 5pm.

It was my friend ringing, to ask if I felt well enough to collect the car.
And to be honest, I did.

I had slept with the ice bottle on my shoulder, and there was a little frozen patch in my shoulder but almost no pain.

My friend and two of her family came to get me in their car, and we drove to collect my car, the car was about 8 miles away, and it was raining, which made me nervous.
Going to collect your first car after 5 years and so long in the darkness is worse than dentist and interview together.

We got there and sorted out the remaining paperwork and paid the balance and I put P-plates on the car, then I had to sit in, get used to the controls before rolling the car slowly down the drive onto the close.
I got in a muddle with the windscreen wipers and clearing the windows of mist at first but then I was OK.
My friend sat in the car with me and her two family members drove her car behind us and so I drove the car home.

Despite the rain, we had an uneventful journey, I am not used to the car, obviously so occasionally using too much gas to pull away but we drove safely and peacefully home, and I reversed the car into the driveway.

The car is sitting in the driveway and I am struggling to concentrate on Hollyoaks, we got back just after it started, so I tried to watch it, tried to watch the preview and am trying to watch today's repeat.
But my mind wanders busily off, and I keep putting Ed Sheeran's 'Thinking out Loud' on Youtube and making tea.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yU92Hc49YiQ

The sea is roaring in the soft rain, and seeing as I can't focus, I will walk down to the sea later.


Monday morning

Good morning,

I watched 'Humans' last night and then went to sleep.

I had a nightmare that I was in a hostel with my family, and someone had been murdered, for some reason my dad and brothers were moving the body and it made them sick.
In real life my dad used to be sick a lot because he couldn't cope.
But anyway, in this dream the ghost of the dead man kept coming back, and it was very angry and hostile, and I prayed it away in the end.

That was not a nice dream, but I will see if I can stop taking 5HTP now as that triggers dreams.
I am going to take my antihistamines at night because I will be driving again and antihistamines can cause drowsiness.

I woke up to a grey and drizzly day and delivered the papers in the light rain.
I have the beginnings of a migraine so I need my meds to offset that, I don't want to drive either with a migraine or on migraleve.

I will have to see if the weather clears before going to work later.


Sunday, 19 July 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well I went to the car boot sale, and experienced what is hopefully one of my last experiences of being squashed and crowded on public transport for a while.

The car boot was good, the weather was nice, better than forecast, so I browsed and got some odds and ends, cheap books and toiletries.

Then I came home and the rain that was forecast never occured, so I biked down to the beach in the hot sunshine, dived into the sea as it was full tide, and swam strongly for a while, then got dressed and biked home.

I did lamb and potatos for lunch, very nice.

Then I have been doing housework, reading, trying to relax, doing paperwork and diaries, and watching 'Finding Nemo', 'Back to the Future 2' and finally watching 'Humans'.

Now it is my bed time.

Tomorrow I do one garden and then in the afternoon or evening we collect my car.
I am not exactly excited, the Diocese and their steady attacks on me have taught me not to look forward to things or believe in good things.
But I guess if the car is OK and I manage to drive OK, Then it will be helpful to have a car, as you will have seen, trying to run my business with unreliable public transport has been hard and wasted  many hours.

Goodnight.


Sunday morning

Good morning,

Now somewhat rested, I will update properly from Friday evening to now.

On Friday I went for a pepsi with the person I was going to the cinema with and then we went to see the film 'Self/less'.
Self/less was a psychological/sci-fi thriller, very fast and thought provoking, it was basically about a mad scientist creating a process to transfer minds from dying bodies in order to save the elite.
It was the living again as a different person that got me, because of course that is what I have done, and having just put a deposit on the first car in my new life, it was funny to see that similarity.
The film got a bit violent and a bit complex, but we enjoyed it, and by the time the film had finished, I was in time to get one of the late buses home, while my mate headed off for a swift half or something before he went home, because I had said I wouldn't drink with him and he had agreed with that.

Anyway, I got home quite late, and because the car now had the deposit on, I insured it, and started trying to do the tax but had the wrong reference number, so the tax had to wait.
The UK tax system has changed since I had a car here in my last life, and so has the insurance system, you don't wait for a cover note, you just print your insurance certificate, so by Friday night I had an insurance certificate, and I did the tax yesterday, you can now tax instantly online with the log book or new keeper reference number, and you don't need a tax disc any more.

Anyway, so there I was, going to bed at midnight on Friday, when I had the heavy papers and a morning's work to do on Saturday, no wonder I don't go out much, I thrive on early nights and early mornings.

Anyway, I slept well and hardly noticed the heavy papers on Saturday, which is a habit since I have done some very heavy work contracts recently, I don't notice the heavy papers any more.
After the papers, I had to head for work, and spent a pleasant morning working peacefully.

Then I came home via an ice cream and some P-plates for the car, I am not a newly qualified driver but I haven't driven since before I died in Jersey so I am going to have P-plates until I feel more confident.

When I got home, it was time for swim things and down to the beach, it was warm but a a bit cloudy, the sea was cool and messy and I enjoyed a quick swim.
Then when I got home I lit a disposable BBQ and did salad and iced coke zero to go with it, and I did some gardening.
After the BBQ, I used the smouldering BBQ to light a bonfire pile that I had built up from clearing the back garden, and I spent the evening tending the bonfire.
We have a massive garden and some of it has needed serious work, we have a lady gardener who has been coming once a fortnight for years, but she has not been able to keep control of the garden with the hours she does, so I have taken on some hours, and I get paid for it as if it was one of my normal jobs, but it has the advantage of being here at home, so I can drink tea and things.

Anyway, after a smoky evening, I fell into bed exhausted and slept.

Today was due rain but the rain was early and it is brighter now.
I was dreaming a lot, dreamed of ice skating, which I jolly well should go and do!
Then I dreamed a lot about churches and priests and church people, over and over, most of whom I was trying to avoid or telling to get stuffed.
But the last dream was really quite profound.

I dreamed I was walking up a hill, past churches and through corridors, avoiding priests and people, then I was at Wolvsley Palace in Winchester, wearing roller skates and a baseball cap.
The Bishop of Winchester and other Bishops and dignitaries (fat old men) were there, and they greeted me with great joy and friendliness, and I snubbed them because I wanted to go rollerskating.
Then there were old dissaproving church ladies, you know the type, they were making snide comments about me with my roller skates and baseball cap, and, don't blame me for not being in control of my dreams and being so rude to everyone but I went over to them and said 'Did your parents bring you up to talk about people like that?!'
Horrified silence.
To be honest I have no idea why I would be wearing a baseball cap anyway, those caps press against my very sensetive temples and make my head ache.

I woke up, astounded by this dream.
Roller skates?
You know how when you are dozing and half awake after a dream and you think 'What if I do that?'
I was imagining roller skating down my road., but to be honest, basic roller skates would be dangerous and possibly harmful to my legs, I would need those roller blade boots if I was going to be on wheels, and even then, it would be a question of seeing if it strengthened my legs or put strain on them.
When I was learning to surf in Jersey, the instructor told me I should get a skateboard to strengthen my weak right leg, and I did, and it would be so tempting now that I can walk, to get another skateboard, and David would fall about laughing if he saw me skating along the sea wall, as if I was back in Jersey on St. Aubins bay again :) I would rather be here, St. Aubins Bay stinks.

Anyway, I dozed off again after my strange dreams and woke late, 7am, the shop opens at 7 on a Sunday but I didn't get there until 7.20.
But the Sunday round is relatively easy, and I was soon home and having breakfast, my bonfire is still smouldering, but it is contained and neat.

We are due to collect the car tomorrow, and I am just going to have a quiet day today, for once.
Haha.
I will go to the car boot sales if the weather holds.
I got some lamb for lunch, makes a change from chicken.

I found this, and it is interesting to see how far I have come since the decision to go on living that I made in 2012: http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/from-victim-to-survivor-to-thriver.html


Saturday, 18 July 2015

Saturday night

Hi peeps,

Sorry for the delay in updating.
I am so tired it is hard to type straight.

Well yesterday I collected my prescriptions and got a fat bag of medicines, then in the afternoon I headed off to put the deposit on the car, and typical! The buses were on a go-slow just when I had to hurry to get the deposit on the car and then go and meet my friend at the cinema.

I got the deposit on the car, and they then gave me a lift to the cinema and got there early, we were early for the film so we went and had a pepsi in a pub before the film.
The film was very interesting.

I am so tired that I am just going to stop here, hang my washing up and go to bed, I have plenty of time to update tomorrow as I am genuinely not working tomorrow, haha.


Friday, 17 July 2015

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday I went to physiotherapy, and they concluded it as I have made good progress and I just have to do exercises and ice forever now.
So I went to work, garden clearance, and started off badly by getting stung by a bee, on the palm of my hand! Bees are not weeds, do not grab them with handfuls of weeds! :(

So I had a sore hand and the poison made my hand and arm ache, but not too bad, so I worked on, and when my client came home, she found me some anthisan stuff to put on the sting.

I got home with time for a shower and a meal and a bike along the sea front.
Then my friend collected me and we ventured into a big scary unknown adventure, with me insisting I didn't even know what a car was!
I was looking out for the car and there it was, just as I imagined it, it is old but nothing wrong with it, a Peuguot like my old one, only older than my old one, haha, a 'no-frills' old car with two lady owners from new and not a bad mileage.
we drove it round the lane and it is basic but sound, and so with a promise to make a decision soon, me and my friend had a drive around and talked about it, we decided it is fine, and I did a full background check on the car when I got home, you can pay for a full record of a car for about £15 from RAC and places like that, and the background exactly matched what the family selling the car told us, and they were selling because they needed a bigger car for their growing family.
So then I checked tax and insurance costs and that is all good. It is a little car.

So this evening on the way to the cinema with my mate, I will drop off the deposit, and tax and insure the car over the weekend.
We are going to see 'Self/less' at the cinema, another body-swap movie.

Anyway, today I am trying to have an almost day off, I will do some gardening here at home that I will be paid for but it is easier to garden at home than go out.
Anway, last night I slept reasonably well, my housemate was away and I slept peacefully and dreamed vaguely about Julie Wallman who was that Jane Fisher clone who screwed me over with Bob Hill, but it was vague and brief and I didn't suffer any distress on waking.
Julie Wallman:
 http://www.opnlttr.com/letter/statement-world-about-what-really-happened-me-november-2013

I dragged myself out of bed to do the heavy local papers and when I got to the shop they told me the local paper was heavier than usual but I didn't notice any difference, I plodded round the round and came home for breakfast, it is still cloudy and windy but getting brighter later, I may swim in the sea if the wind dies down.

I got my local paper from the corner shop on my way back down the hill on my round, I usually stop there for the paper or bread or milk and they know me, they say 'Hey papergirl! Is your bike working today?!' Haha.

Anyway, I have just written a pen letter in response to one I got yesterday, now I need to do some business paperwork and other tasks, and I need to go and get my prescription as my combination inhaler is running out.


Thursday, 16 July 2015

Thursday morning

Good morning,

I managed to sleep through, but I think it was dependent on 5HTP, I was groggy and slow to wake.
I had left the window open all night and I could hear the sea roaring as I woke, the day is gloomy and windy but the wind hasn't blown the humidity away yet.

I went to do my papers, the blue bike is running OK but feels different, not as much bounce and liveliness as it used to have.
I had a new paper on my round, in the furthest corner where I am always hoping the other customer will just cancel. Drat!

Anyway, headlines today were mainly about riots and about some girls throwing a fundraising party for their mother's assisted suicide at Dignitas.
Poor taste.
But I do know someone who is planning to go to Dignitas when their illness gets worse, and I find that very hard and will find it hard if they do that, to be honest, I can't imagine my life without that person being part of it.

The cat is curled up on my bed, so I can't make my bed without being swiped with a bunch of sharp needles.
The cat has decided he loves us again recently, he has stopped sleeping out all hours in the garage and forgetting his food, he is eating like a horse and keeping me company, I think it is due to the change from hot weather to cloudy windy weather.


My physio is at 10am, which allows me a late start to my day, I will bike up there at 9.30, and then will go to work on garden clearance.
I am trying to have a day off tomorrow but I will do the garden here, hardly a day off!

On Saturday I have reserved the morning for work for my disabled chap, I let him down with extra hours last weekend due to the big garden clearance job.
The contract work person is OK with that and then I will be doing contract until September at the weekends, as long as I can meet the high standards of that work.

I have to remember to go to the cinema tomorrow night, I am not so keen on going out in the evenings since I have been working, but I let my mates down by not going to the beach bar with them last week, so I must show willing, I am not spending any time on leisure and socialising these days, and unfortunately, because I am an Aspie, I don't even notice but it is to my detriment.

And oh yes, someone asked if I am starting therapy again. Yes, well I am being assessed next week.
See what they say.


Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Wednesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I hurried off to the bike shop in the next town, got a bacon roll on the way to work, the weather was so humid under the low clouds that I was sweating before I got to work, how unladylike :)
Work went quickly and at the end it was raining as I went to collect the blue bike.

The blue bike had been properly fixed this time, the new innertube was faulty, hence the flat tyre, and they replaced it for free, along with a new tyre, also free, and they have replaced the gears, and adjusted the brakes so my paper round customers do not get a rude awakening of the blue bike screeching at them!
They were very good about costs too, on account of the faulty innertube disrupting my work, the bike shop know about me and the blue bike, that it is a unique assistance bike.
I will need the blue bike all my life, but it is probably as old as me.
as my long term readers will remember, I couldn't ride any of the replacement bikes last year.

So home by early afternoon with a happy bike, I hadn't had lunch by 2pm, or 4pm, still don't want to eat, hadn't had a shower, I have no idea what is wrong with me, sleep, food or showers, all the normal routines, gone to pot.

Anyway, I biked down to the paper shop and told them I would be in in the morning, 6.30am.
Then I biked up and down the front, the weather remains humid with low cloud, and the Great Hill was glooming under the cloud.

I have been watching 'My Fair lady' which is another old favourite, and the cat has been keeping me company, very cheerfully.
I have had some pizza.

I got an email offering me contract work every weekend until September, gah! :) That is the contract work I have been doing sometimes as blogged previously, they want me every weekend, just when I have promised Saturday morning to the customer who I let down last Saturday due to the garden clearance job!

Tomorrow I have physio at 10am and then garden clearance work in the village.



Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well it is a grey and overcast day, and with a day off from the papers, I overslept a bit after sleeping through the night, and I am still groggy, I have 45 minutes to get myself and the bike sorted and to the shop before work.
HTP knocked me out, and it has this side effect of making me groggy.

The weather is due to get quite warm despite the clouds, but I only have one garden to do today, I am only supposed to be working part time! But I will have to do my books later and see what I am really doing with regards to working hours, my hours are still flexible and variable, not 9-5 but I am working weekends a lot now, so I have to add up what I am doing and let housing Benefit know.

I was dreaming a lot last night, dreamed I was back in my childhood home, it was dark outside and thick snow was on the ground like it used to be in winter there, my Dad and my sister were going somewhere and I didn't want to leave them so I asked to go with them, and they agreed, and we went out into the dark and snow and I felt sad, I think I knew even in the dream it was all gone and my Dad was dead.
I had a few more sad dreams about missing my home and family, although in real life I am home and my family are best avoided, especially since the diocese have tried to use them.