This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for nine months last year and left me deeply damaged and ill.
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well, last night night I had distressing nightmares and dreams and woke late this morning as a result, and nearly cancelled my day out. Eventually I decided it would mess me up too much if I cancelled and stayed at home. So I set off, belatedly, and made my journey.

The journey was ok. And all I did was visit the anniversary place, browse the shops, express horror that shops I knew had closed, and best of all, I found a new Shane Dunphy book, he is one of my favourite authors, it is quite a sad book but as gripping as his other stories.
I also got some 5HTP, which I can't get here unless I order it on Amazon, so as soon as I got it, I took some, the sooner I can raise my mood the sooner I can fight back.
I also got my expensive orthotics because I have been walking without them for too long and it is too painful.
Expensive but essential shopping.
I got tired in the end, the reason I like to set out early on a day out is that I get tired in the evening and I don't like to be out too late, so I made my way home.

I got home, cooked another cracking roast dinner and had a bath, and am sitting here winding down, with my delicious new book to read.

The roast dinners work very well, cooked from scratch, I doubted my ability at first, partly because my concentration levels got so low because of trauma, and partly because when I was a child I used to have to do burdensome meals and household tasks for my large family, so it is always a nice surprise how easy keeping house and cooking are now.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Saturday Night

Good evening,

Three things that show I am in crisis are: Not updating the blog, not cleaning the flat and not eating.
Well I have finally managed a whirlwind clean of the flat after a busy day, I have eaten, and I am updating the blog.

This afternoon I went to look at the new bike, and ended up having a cuppa and a chat before coming home on the new bike, which is light but small and still hard to ride compared to the blue bike.
I also went to look at the blue bike, still there and still intact despite it's injuries, I will collect it soon.

I then went and did a big grocery shop at the big supermarket, I haven't done that for months, I even got flowers and a candle, I haven't been able to get flowers for so long, so that is good, although the sad news remains that while I enjoy the flowers, I will have to move house soon.

I spoke to the landlady by email today to explain why bikes are breeding in the garden, and she confirmed that she will have to sell up because the council inspection brought up costs far more than she can afford, she has owned the house for 44 years and one tenant has been here 10 years and another 6 years, and she says she likes all the tenants and is sad about it. Well I am heartbroken, I was in paradise here, as you may have realised from the blog so far. I have been here six months and would have stayed forever.
I will be moving to a bedsit, which is smaller than this, I will be in safe hands and will be even closer to the sea than I am now, over the road from it, but I cannot imagine that in such a short time I wont look out my window here to the sunrise over the Eastern Hills, I can't imagine not being here and just thinking about it makes me so sad.
I don't like the fact that I am leaving the quiet roads to live closer into town.

It has been a funny day, earlier I got identical messages from two completely unconnected people, they both read 'You are part of our church family you know!'.
And I feel bad now because when I felt bad, I decided to have a day out this Sunday rather than trying to face church, and now everyone has been saying 'See you tomorrow?' or 'Will you sit with us?' and I am going off for the day. I do need a day out, because I haven't had one for so long, and I have been so stressed.

This coming week I will bring my social activities down to minimal, I will only attend art and cafe church, and maybe disabled club, I need a break and I need to think about the iminent move and make preparations, because I am so settled and paperworked for here, I need to make sure everything is put in order efficiently.

Anyway, after shopping and coming home to unpack the shopping, I went out for a bus ride, to drift my mind and listen to the radio as the bus sped through the dark night. Then when I came home, I did a sandwich and did a whirlwind tidy of the flat.

It has been a vague day for food, as I come out of crisi, I did do bacon and eggs for breakfast, but lunch was ham and cucumber sandwich and supper was homous sandwich.
Tomorrow I do not know, as I will be out for a large part of the day, if all goes well.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

I will do a quick blog because people are listening in.

I woke lazily at 8.30 and haven't got as far as getting dressed but I am in clothes I could be deported in, of course, as usual my jamas look like day clothes.

I have had my allowance of tea with sugar, so I am sad now, no more until tomorrow.

As you may have guessed, I had a rough few days, but I had better news yesterday morning, hence being a bit busy sorting out paperwork etc.

I have a busy day so I must dress and get on with it, and today is when we sort out bikes, probably including collecting the blue bike, which someone has offered money to repair. I would like the blue bike if it can be repaired properly, because it is easy to ride, while the borrowed bike is so heavy that I don't want to ride it. But I am supposed to look at a bike I have been offered this afternoon as well.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well, as you may have guessed, I hit crisis in the last few days.
I am pulling through.
I will update on some of the things I have missed in the last few days tomorrow if I have time.

I will just do this evening.

I have been busy this afternoon, getting a few useful things done, the flat looks like a bomb has hit it though.

I have been out bus riding this evening, into the big town, and I went to the Samaritans, which has helped.
The Samaritans are hit and miss and I had a very nasty experience of them in Jersey, again because in a small island like Jersey, neutrality is impossible and the samaritan I saw in Jersey was not just not neutral but in serious breach of the samaritan ethics, but never mind, I saw a good samaritan (haha) this evening, then continued my bus riding feeling a bit better.

I have just got home, feeling strange because I rarely leave this town or the bay these days, I have spent all summer here, so being out and about was strange.
It was quiet both in town and here, for a change, a windy evening and autumn is here at last, bringing the leaves down, we are having a late autumn compared to other parts of the UK.

I can hear the sea roaring in the wind as I sit here. The surf is shallow and and breaking low and even from shore to some way out, good for fishing, a lot of people are fishing.

It seems October is a time for anniversaries, for me there is the anniversary of the end of my life on October 11th, then there is last year's sadness, and then next week is the anniversary of my Dad's death a year before the church destroyed me and left me homeless.
Obviously these anniversaries don't help with the kaleidascope of crisis that has hit recently, but this song has been comforting me:


The time when another year has gone
since the loss
A time when there is nothing in the world
that will bring comfort
or take the memories away
It isn't just another day
it is another anniversary

ticking over

Good afternoon,

I will try to update you as soon as I can.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

This is not the normal post

And is not directly about my bad day aither.

As regular readers will know, I was in specialist therapy for attachment disorder earlier this year before having to quit because of circumstances.

I am on the waiting list for another therapist, someone who has the right expertise to help with the whole spectrum of my problems, but I have the issue of cost, even though I am likely to get ESA, and neither NHS nor government can help.

Would anyone be able to help/advise/help me with an appeal? Because I can't get better on my own and the NHS have lost the plot with regards therapy and support, there is nothing of worth.

oh and the blasted church arrived on my blog, no, you keep your noses out!

Thursday evening

I have had a rough day.
I will update tomorrow as normal hopefully.

Thursday Morning

Good  morning,

Well I wont say I woke to the news of Jersey election results, because I was awake until 1am.

It is sad,

The finance industry choose who wins, with a bit of help from the church, as we know, and the real people of Jersey are wasting their time voting, they end up with the same mindless and dishonest people who do nothing for them.
Still Jersey have chosen, an even worse selection than before, but with the usual rotten eggs.
I am glad I am not there, I have to say, it was not a good thing.
The only puzzle is, why did the church and establishment's second biggest rotten egg step down? Maybe he simply couldn't keep covering up and lying any more, maybe the legal implications were getting too great even for an ex-magistrate.

Anyway, so I got to bed at 1am, and woke at 7am, which is thankful as I have a doctor appointment in a few hours.

The sunrise is yellow against a clear sky, and during the night it was clear with stars.

I am not looking forward to today's meetings.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I went to the drop in and had a lovely time, I have been worried about my pal who has been absent but someone said they would check on him.
We played some sort of card game.

Then I came home, grabbed the washing in before it rained, and headed for lunch club in the next town.
Lunch was quite nice, gammon and potatos.

I didn't stay long, it is too hot for me and although it is a small group, it is not really suitable for me, no offence to anyone, so I will quit.

A rainy afternoon here. I biked up to post a letter and collect a prescription, well I have got one out of two of my prescriptions and the rest is delayed as they were out of stock, but I got the one I have run out of, but they have changed it from packet of tablets to bottle of pills, this is my lung opening meds.

I came home but have felt depressed, as I have recently, and being belittled online didn't help.

I have done my supper, jacket potatos with beans and now I am just considering a walk in the rain before bed.

I may just sit in bed and watch Buffy. I need to be up in the morning for a doctor's appointment, supposedly looking at how to manage illness, blah.
Tomorrow is a day of meetings.
Apart from my friendly lunch club, and my friends are back, so that will be good.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

I slept a good night and woke to a grey cool morning, no rain due until this afternoon, my clothes were not completely dry so I am oven drying them somewhat before I go to the drop in.

I got the news, by text yesterday night, that I am getting my ESA back, although I do not know how much when or what, they said they will write to me. The DWP amuse me with texts since I applied for the budgeting loan that got me the flat, they handily text me rather than phoning.
Welcome to this century DWP.

Oh, it is Jersey's general election today, the end to all the fun of watching the island who specialise in throwing their toys out of the pram throwing toys at each other more vigerously than usual, bummer! But sadly they will only re-elect the same and and things will not change.

Excuse me I smell roasted jeans.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well, I was surprised how easy it was to clean the flat and how nice it looked clean, I have been so worried that everything got in a mess but it cleans up so well, that is one reason I will miss this little flat.
I remember when I saw it and looked at it with such uncertainty at Easter, and how scared I was at making to move from the lodging house to my own flat. I'm glad I have had this time here and have been so happy and am sad at the thought of leaving.

So anyway, the flat is clean, I am bathed, scrubbed, hair washed, and the washing is out on the line, taking advantage of a break in the weather.
And I have done all my homework for money and exercise and nutrition.

I expected it to be cold outside but it is almost mild, no bats out but an owl flew silently past me as I hung the washing out.

Tomorrow is drop-in and then lunch club.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went to art group, I was the only art student there! Haha.
Instead of doing my project that I want to do, I drew wildlife, fat dormouses.

Then I dropped in at the drop in for a little lunch of ham sandwich and jam tart and coffee.
And of course some good company.

There is no craft this afternoon so I have free time. I am in an REM mood, on top volume :)

I am beginning to sort out the flat as it has got in a state while I have been pre-occupied with replacing bikes and flats and things.

I need to go to the shop for milk and food, this is the last of the money though.

Aspie Vic, I have published your comment and replied.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

I slept a long and peaceful night. I woke this morning from dreams about taking the cat to the vet and getting the kids to school. I was relieved to wake and realise I have neither cat nor kids.

I have been sitting here wondering if I should go to coffee before going to art but I have sat here too long and will not go to coffee, I will go to art soon.

The weather has eased off, it isn't raining, it is just grey.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I went bowling with my friends and we had a good time.

We got home and I cooked a late lunch and my supper at the same.
My lunch and supper were the same, fish and rice meals.
I fried some fresh haddock that I got reduced at the supermarket, and boiled rice, made two meals and ate one.
The thing about mondays is I need a meal prepared in advance for the evening as I am in and out.

Eventually I set off for health and fitness, biking through the rain on the borrowed bike, I got there and asked if I could leave early as I have not transferred my lights to the borrowed bike, they were fine with me leaving early, although they were having a party I would miss.
I have lost some weight this week but not as much as I hoped, and my exercise chart read 8 hours and 40 minutes exercise, which means despite a difficult week, I did ok.

I came home and had a bath and a rest and my supper and went back out, walking through the rainy autumn night to church social and loving the autumn so much.

Social was good, we had a really good speaker and then the usual tea afterwards.
My plan was to walk home via the shop for milk and the sea as I have barely seen it today, but my friends wanted to give me a lift home because of the rain, so here I am home, tucked into the snuggly bed and ready for a good sleep.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

The rainy weather continues.

I slept deeply, going to bed and falling asleep early, I woke at 3am with nightmares, I slept again and dreamed a soothing and comforting dream, and then some bizarre dreams.
I woke at 9am, a bit late for me, not feeling too well, depressed and with my neck hurting, which of course is the worst pain, and I feel like I have a middle ear infection too, hopefully I will get better as the day goes on.

I do not feel good.

I need 5HTP but I have run out and cannot afford it.

I will go bowling in about an hour and will struggle up to the beach on the new bike in the meantime.

I do not want to go to health and fitness or church social today.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Sunday night

Good evening,

I am for an early night this evening, I hope it doesn't add to my sleep disruption.

This afternoon I produced a very tasty roast dinner, had a bath and had another cycle ride, the sea was lovely with big waves but the rain started pelting down and is not due to stop until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.
So we have heavy rain and high winds, which is typical of October, no matter what the scaremongers say about global warming, the wind and rain comes and then the cold.

I have been sitting in bed, watching Buffy, and because I am warm and snuggly in my bed, I will have an early night.

My chest is tight, I need some blue inhaler and asperin.


Good afternoon,

Please excuse the lack of blog, I have been a bit busy.

Yesterday I went and got some shopping, not much as money is running low again, and I went to chat to some friends, it turns out that they own property including a safe quiet bedsit that they have offered me first refusal on if I do have to leave here.

When I got home I put the washing out as we have had a break in the bad weather and it is about to start again now, so I have just got the washing in.

Anyway, I was talking to various people about my bike, and everyone knows about my bike because it is the equivelant to a mobility scooter to me because I can't walk very well.

Anyway, yesterday evening I calmed down a bit, watched Buffy, and eventually went to bed and slept, I got deep sleep but woke at 4am, I am in remission but not getting enough sleep.

Wide awake at 4am, I got up, took my meds, composed my letters, looked at the lovely red dawn, and went down to the beach with my cup of tea.

When I got back I was vaguely waiting to to take a bath without disturbing  my housemates and ended up with it too close to church time so I never had my bath, I am still waiting to have my bath, but I daren't while I am cooking a small roast dinner again, seeing as the last one went well.

Anyway, this morning I walked up to church, and round the church was cordoned off with police on guard, oh help, what now? But church was open as normal. So I went in, didn't feel  any anxiety, nor giggles, nor anything, I just got on with it, my friends were away but they had texted me so I knew.
At the other church my friends who I sit with were back from holiday so that was ok.
My church people had all got the word about my bike, and bikes in the future were being offered, all of them need checking and the soonest available checked is next saturday, so someone has lent me a bike, they dropped it off after church.
The bike is similar to mine, only chunkier, it is a Raliegh but it is green unlike my blue bike that I am so familiar with. The chunky lent bike is harder to ride and I cannot adjust the saddle so it is a bit short for me, it will build my muscles if I have the strength to ride it, I have to get the light brackets off the blue bike, which is still at Al's and transfer them to the lent bike by tomorrow evening, otherwise I will be in difficulties unless I do a one-off early finish tomorrow evening.

My dinner is cooking, and I would like a bath and another bike ride before it gets dark.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well it has been a busy and stressful time.

Yesterday evening I went to watch lightning storms over the sea again, and got wet again.
Then I went to prayers and they had already got a message to pray for me, so they did, very kind.
After prayers, someone took me to get my bike, we had to take the wheel off.

Last night turned into a bad argument, not with the people who collected my bike though. And it was 1am before I got to bed, which is useless, and my whole routine and all my schedule was mucked up.
There was still lightning flashing, and we momentarily lost power.

I slept, deeply, and woke this morning at 9am, which is fine for a Saturday.

My muscles were more relaxed, I think this massage thing is helping.

I got up, and ended up having an argument with some Jersey troll, so half my morning was wasted when I needed to get the bike to Al.
I got the bike to Al and the silly man wasn't there, no warning, no note, and another woman waiting with a bike with a flat tyre, she tried to phone him, but he didn't answer, and I am not fit and strong and it is not the first time Al has just not been there during opening hours with no note, no warning, so I had to abandon the bike there, locked to the fence.

I really really was not feeling good as I staggered home, I am not fit and well and carrying the bike had taken it's toll.
So it was a lovely surprise when my friends from some distance away were strolling up the road nearby, I was so surprised.
They stopped and I told them all about it.

Today is the anniversary of me being destroyed by Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt. Today I should be at retreat with my friends but because of my adoptives being ill and lack of money, I am not there, my bike is broken, I have not been well, I have been struggling with losing ESA and living on nothing, I have had personal problems in friendships, I have been worried sick about the council inspection.
So, I ended up sitting in the cafe with my friend and telling her all about it.

Then I came home and got the news that the council inspection was bad news. I have not been told for sure, but it looks like I may lose my home.
I don't mind being homeless, my concern is far more that Jane Fisher and Julie Wallman and the rest of the sick and twisted brigade will be snapping at my heels like the hounds of hell because once homeless I will be able to move on and stay out of their reach a bit more, and Fisher doesn't like that, she likes to be in control of me and destroying me at all times.

Anyway, so here I am with that bad news, which is what made me finally break down in tears. But I have put the laundry on, done the washing up, drained the chicken stock, started the stew, now I just have to go and get some meat for tomorrow's dinner, have a bath and then probably sit in bed and do my puzzle and watch movies.

Due to no bike and everything else, I have not seen the sea today, so I must do that. My shoulder is painful because I carried the stoopid bike.

Friday, 10 October 2014


Good evening,

Well I have been too busy to update.

Last night I went out to watch lightning over the sea, which was fun until the squall came swiftly inland and hit me, I got a bit wet.

I struggled to get to sleep but once asleep, I slept through the night.
I woke late, so not remission, but my muscles were fairly relaxed.

I scrambled out of bed, hurtling what bedding hadn't flown during the night all over the place, and hurried through an egg sandwich and a wash and down to where I was due to start a short money management course.
I survived that and came home briefly, then back out to music group.

I went from there to the next town to continue clothes shopping, but the bike broke down so I had to leave it locked there, do my shopping and get myself home before I collapsed.

I have got myself a new jumper and a pair of warm leggings, and I also got an infra red heat/massage thing, I used to have one and I hope it will help.

The weather has been heavy showers all day, with some hail.

I think I will stagger down to prayers this evening, I dunno about the bike.

Anniversary, it is the anniversary of Fisher and Scott-Joynt destroying me, as well as Scott-Joynt's funeral, how chilling. But in a way, I knew this would happen, I dreamed both of his death and of Bishop Dakin when I was in Jersey, but when I emailed Scott-Joynt about that, he treated it with his usual contempt. He is facing God now for destroying me, but that brings no comfort as I wait for the Diocese to destroy me again.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

Well I didn't sleep earlier, just rested and watched Buffy until the tiredness passed.

Eventually I biked down to the sea, the tide was out but the waves were huge and crashing, one crazy windsurfer was out, but the wind was so strong that I couldn't bike back along the front, the wind was blowing sand and debris everywhere.

I have been on my cooking and diet lessons, I have put a chicken stock on to simmer, chicken bones and vegetables etc :) and cut up the ingredients of a stew which I will do next.
Those who aren't keeping up, I have had to change what I eat because of my asthma and worsening metabolic illness, so I am doing a lot of freshly prepared, healthy and filling meals. And having an oven at last is really helping.
I guess I remember cooking meals for my family when I was young, that was just basic stew or meat, potato and veg or pasta and cheese or whatever, but it means I am not entirely new to this domestic stuff.

I think I will go down to the road end wall in a while, just because I love the sea and the wind, and I will have a bath.

Today was a several hug day, the lesser spotted landlady hugged me when we were talking about the possible consequences of the inspection, and I had a hug with an old friend who I haven't seen for months :) Sometimes my no physical contact rule has exceptions.
The other lovely thing about today was the little gift I got in the post :) As well as the food parcel I collected and the time spent with friends. And the lovely weather :)

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went to collect my food parcel first thing, then came home, the lesser spotted landlady was just making sure the house was all smart for the inspection. My neighbour was asleep because she locked herself out last night.
The inspector arrived and I scooted off to cafe church.
I read all the newspapers at cafe church and then continued with my knitting.

I was clumsy and unco-ordinated with my knitting, and I started to feel ill, I had had tea with sugar but had forgotten my breakfast, so it may have been a hypo or just the fact I am ill, no remission, I was mistaken. It may also have been the heat in the hall, so I sat outside and had some kitkat and coffee and came back in, I managed a few neat rows of knitting before calling it off and leaving.
It was funny listening to the gang talking about the naughty things they did as children :)

I biked down the cliffs and the wind was tearing and the waves were crashing, I biked down to the road end wall and took pictures of the waves smashing over the cars and the road, until I got hit in the back by a wave, then I headed for the drop-in, and dripping and laughing, told them all about it.
I had my lunch there, I haven't done that for a while, but I was still having spells of feeling ill.

I came home, the inspection obviously finished earlier, and I am still feeling ill, so I will go to bed, I really will this time. Then I think I will do a stew later.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well after a lot of work to try and unclench my muscles last night, I slept almost through the night, I woke briefly, started to become distressed and slipped back into sleep. I woke this morning with my muscles fairly relaxed and obviously I managed some deep sleep. So I think this is remission. Cautiously, because I still need painkillers and my head is spinning a bit, but I think that is because I got too warm and because I think I have had a virus as well as relapse.

The relapses are so much worse these days, I never used to be longing for remission, because I barely noticed relapse in the past.

Anyway, I am up, the flat is tidy and I need to walk down to get a food parcel and put it away before the council inspect us, then I have to head for cafe church and my knitting if I can get through the weather.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

I have been awake and cleaning my flat.
I also cooked some delicious chicken. I got the hang of this cooking thing.
I used some of the money given to me for essential groceries, and I will be getting a food parcel tomorrow, so my tummy is happy.
I am just trying to relax my muscles as I watch Buffy, I really want to sleep properly.

The wind is howling violently, there is debris and damage everywhere. Funny, it reminds me of Succoth in 1987, when our tent tried to take off :) not funny at the time.
Thankfully we have no big trees close to the house.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I dozed off again, eventually I woke, had a bath and washed my hair, and headed for the drop in for a happy few hours of friendship, coffee and chores.

I was due to lunch club so at midday I headed off to bike along the bay to lunch club.
Wow! Yesterday the sea was throwing itself wildly over the road but you should have seen it today, it was one of the most stunning stormy seas I have seen here, wild! Even the locals and tourists were gazing and getting pictures and videos.

I decided to risk my bike ride because going round by road would take ages and is all hills and I am not full strength today, so I biked along the front, dodging the massive waves, I dodged every one, I got a bit of spray and a splash on the arm so I got off lightly as the waves were thowing themselves wildly over the track. Jersey readers, don't think St. Aubins in a storm, this is much worse, think St Ouens bay but with no room to escape because of cliffs one side and sea the other, awesome!
A few walkers were running and dodging the waves along the bay, and we were all laughing.

I reached the other side of the bay safe and sound, and huffed up the hill to my lunch.

I got in lunch club and nearly fainted from the heat in the room.
We had a good lunch, and afterwards I said I needed fresh air, even though they were going to take me shopping. So I went into the church, they came and found me and gave me money to get my own clothes, which was good of them, they and I knew it would be difficult for me to shop with them, but they got me to go back in the lunch club for Birthday cake as two people had Birthdays.

They are lovely but it is so hot in there.
Eventually I said goodbye and headed off, I went to the high street and perused the chattery shops, I found a pair of jeans, which is a good start, and eventually, tired and with my chest too tight, I came home for asthma meds and a rest.
The tide was ebbing as I came home and although the sea was spectacular, it was no longer breaking over the sea walls.

I am tired, so I may well sleep this time.

Early Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday was quiet, I went for a few bike rides in the afternoon and evening, just my usual faily gentle ride along the front.

I did my jigsaw and watched Buffy in the evening, plagued by this illness and the accompanying depression and anxiety.

I settled to sleep fairly well but woke at 3.30am and didn't sleep again.

I wish it would end, I wish I could sleep. I wish I could do anything.

It doesn't help that with no ESA, I am already running low on money. Bills, haircut, bike repairs, the money goes very fast, and being on this new diet doesn't help.  I don't know how I can keep it up.


I have had breakfast and meds and been for a bike ride. The wind is galeforce and heavy showers are occuring, the sea is wild and dark storm clouds overhead.
I got my winter duvet out last night, so I am cuddled in my duvet watching Buffy now.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I haven't felt too well, I have stayed up and out of bed though, but have not had lunch yet, I have jacket potatos cooking and will have beans with them.

The flat is clean, and thunderstorms are awesomely crashing about outside, the cloudscapes are awesome! :)

I have not been to art, craft or coffee or social or Mass today, I have felt too wretched, and sometimes isolation makes it worse but I am afraid company would be even worse.

I have been battling with communication about a bill that went unpaid last month due to no money, and also trying to communicate with the doctors' surgery, blah, I feel like crying sometimes.

I will do my jigsaw, I have nothing else happening today.

Tuesday Morning,

Good morning,

A very rough night, it was hard to sleep and when I did, I had terrible nightmares, mainly about Jane Fisher, the Scott-Joynts and the police, although Bob Hill was also in there.
I woke very upset during the night and there was a thunderstorm as well.

Generally I didn't sleep well and was very distressed.

In the end after being awake during the night as a result, I slept late this morning.

Some of the symptoms of relapse are bad nights and difficulty waking in the morning, and although I am not in much pain now, I am still in relapse, until I wake up relaxed one morning at a reasonable time after getting some deep sleep, which is absent at the moment.

I don't want to go to art class today, it would be overload, so I will have gentle bike ride while the sun is shining, and I can probably fit in with another art class later in the week, especially as I want to make something for my adoptive parents.

I may go to craft this afternoon.

I sat in bed doing my jigsaw on the new jigsaw board last night, so it is off the kitchen floor, but slow progress.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Monday Night

Good evening,

Well the day turned pleasant and sunny as I biked to health and fitness, I got there early and had a look round the nearby ancient cemetery.

Health and fitness was a mixture of good and boring, I drank several cups of tea and read recipe books.
I have lost two pounds this week, which makes three pounds in two weeks despite being without the oven for the first week.
I am also fitter, now that the new asthma meds have kicked in, I can bike up hills that I couldn't bike up before, and I can bike all the way to the health and fitness club.
My exercise log said I have done 7 hours and 25 minutes exercise for the week, which no one can complaint about, especially as I have been so ill.

I biked home with my lights keeping me safe, my pal offered to by my a cycle helmet earlier, but they are expensive flimsy polystyrene and do not make any difference in an accident, that is why I am surprised to see that Jersey children are being made to wear them, the headline was 'Jersey children made to wear cycling helmets by law' well they will look funny walking round in cycle helmets and they wont sleep well wearing them, I would prefer my friend to get me a high visibility vest, because I wont feel safe riding the bike at night until I have one.

Anyway, I came home, dropped my things off and heated some beans to eat with bread and went straight back out again. I headed for church, but the expected programme had suddenly changed because the hosts had to cancel, so my friends were doing a slide show instead and we finished early.

A lot of the gang were asking about my jigsaw puzzle, and one of them had brought me a puzzle board so I can get off the kitchen floor :) this means I can even do the jigsaw in bed when I am ill.

As we headed home I realised I couldn't find my bike keys, my friend came with me to look, and we found them in the bike lock, silly me! :)
It had rained while we were in church, so the bike was wet, and the temperature dropping, so it might freeze tonight.
This week exercise is likely to be hampered by bad weather, but I will do my best.

Tomorrow is art and craft day as usual.

Monday Afternoon

Good Afternoon,

Well, I went to go bowling with my friends, only three of us turned up, so in the end we didn't bowl, we had a meal and talked a lot.
I had a delicious jacket potato with salad and coronation chicken.
We had a good time just talking, and it was lovely up on the cliff with the wild sea crashing on the cliffs.
I have just got home and all I can hear is the roar of the sea, the rain has died out and the wind is still strong but has dropped a bit, which is good because I have to bike to health and fitness a bit later.

Monday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept a fairly good night, woke once with nightmares at 1.30am, slept again.
Woke late this morning as I had to shut the window to stop the wind damaging it, so the usual noise of the street didn't wake me.
I was delighted to wake to the sound of strong wind and heavy rain though, even if it means no bike ride until this afternoon.
I woke from dreams about rough sleeping mixed with dreams about how my new diet will make me miraculously well and healthy.

The weather is stunningly awesome, not for most people, but I love it.

I am sitting here with my tea and with 'All the Small things' on top volume on youtube  :) with the window open :) I'm frying eggs for breakfast.

I have to wait in for a visitor before I hopefully  go bowling with the gang.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Sunday Evening

Good evening,

Well, I was successful in cooking a tasty roast dinner from scratch, I have regained a lot of the co-ordination and comprehension that I lost in Jersey due to trauma and can co-ordinate a simple but tasty roast dinner. I am pleased.
The problem with this 'proper' cooking is that it leaves a lot of washing up, but that all got done too.

My washing dried quickly on the line, apart from my thermal top, which is finishing drying in the oven. No comment.
Anyway, so I got the washing in, made the bed in fresh linens, hoovered the flat, mopped the kitchen floor, put a clean mat  down, put the rubbish out, put the washing away and went out for several short bike rides.

I had a baked potato that I cooked with the roast for supper, and watched 'Here comes the boom' again.
I had a troll trying to tell me how to run my website and that made me a bit cross and snappy with everyone, sorry.

I went out for a bike ride in the dark to test my bike lights, it is a cold windy night and the tide was in, a hazy moon shone through thin cloud, while part of the sky was clear, lots of fishermen along the shore, a nice bike ride.
The weather is due to be stormy with gales and heavy rain, I wonder how much it will disrupt my day tomorrow.

I am still unwell, not as bad as yesterday, not in too much pain and able to eat and go out on the bike, but not 100% well.

I think I will have an early night. I have turned the mattress round in the hope that it will support my back better and help me to feel better.

Tomorrow I have a visitor and then I hope to go to bowling club with my friends if it isn't cancelled due to weather, then I have health and fitness and church social.

Sunday lunch

Good lunchtime,

Well, this morning at 7am, after being awake since 3.30am, I fell into sleep, and didn't wake until 10.15, which means no church, instead a quiet morning, and I have put the bed linens on to wash so they can dry in the good weather before the bad weather sets in tonight or tomorrow.

I went to get my bike and the lesser spotted landlady was talking to the local vicah, she gave me a tub of freshly harvested tomatos.

I had a bike ride along the front, it is a sunny day and with the tide almost in, the front is busy and I think a swim may be nice.
After which I will cook a roast dinner, from scratch! My first real proper self-cooked roast :) blah.
No stuffing or gravy though, chicken, potatos and veg.


Well I biked to the bay but the tide was ebbing and it was cold so I didn't swim.
I am proceeding with the roast dinner, wish me luck, I am not sure it will work out, especially as I am attempting gravy as well.
It smells nice.

I was talking to my landlady earlier and really it is quite worrying because the council may drive her out of business, which would leave me homeless again, and really and truly, I am home here, I think re-settling me now would be a disaster.

Early Sunday Morning

Good morning,

Well I woke at 3.30am, having nightmares and woke knowing I wouldn't sleep again.
I went to the loo, and eventually got up, made tea and have been quietly doing this and that, mainly sitting in bed with the laptop.

Not feeling great, especially with not enough sleep.

The sky is clear and the stars are ever so bright and I remember sleeping out there as a rough sleeper, looking up at the beautiful starry sky, I miss that so much.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a quiet day, watching movies, walking and cycling and feeling ill.
Nothing much happened, the rain cleared to a cold sunny autumn day, awesome, and a clear cold night, also awesome, I have had a few walks but I am really ill, so now I am sitting with hot water bottles to try and get my muscles to relax, and I will go to bed soon.

Saturday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I walked through the pouring rain to collect my bike.

The bike looked smug, after all, it only breaks down when I get my DLA.
Nonetheless, I can't afford to keep repairing it.
It needed a new chain, and Al also fitted lights for me as I can't keep biking home in the dark on Mondays.

I biked down to the shore, the tide was not full but fierce waves were breaking.

I went to the shop and got bread and the papers, and I have been reading the papers and watching 'Here comes the Boom', which is one of my favourites because I went to the cinema to watch it when I was homeless, and it got me out of the cold and off the streets for the evening.

I am cooking some chicken for today and tomorrow's meals, and I will do my jigsaw puzzle and will have a bath and go back out on my bike when the weather is better later.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

Posted on the wrong blog again!

Lots of people tuning in.
Nothing much to declare, I put extra support for my head and neck and slept soundly until 9am, Saturday lie in, I woke feeling fairly relaxed but not really in remission yet.

I am just watching cartoons on youtube.

It is a dark and rainy day.

I have to collect my bike soon, losing my bike is like losing wings, I am lost without it.

Friday, 3 October 2014

Friday Night

Good evening,

Well I set off dubiously for the post office and realised I would collapse if I tried the walk.
My friend was sitting outside the drop in, so I went in there with her, she was feeling bad from backache.
I talked to my beloved people and asked their advice, they told me that going out this evening would probably do me good, and I could rest in the meantime.

They were right, I came home, rested in bed and watched Slumdog Millionaire, and went out this evening, my friend kept me company and apart from a few spells of feeling ill, I had a lovely evening.
I just got home and I am tired.

Friday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I am not having much of a day.

Sick this morning, I haven't really got well. I feel very rough.

Nothing is helping today, not bath, not food, not painkillers.

I tried to go out on my bike, but the chain snapped, gah, I took the bike to Al, who will also fit lights, and I came home. I was heading for the post office, but now I will have to walk there, and I feel too ill.

So I stopped and did my dinner, fried fish with rice, and I did enough rice and some eggs so that I could prepare an egg and rice meal in advance for my supper.

It is a warm day but I can't do much.

I am supposed to be going out tonight, so when I am back from the post office I will sleep until this evening.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Well I slept a reasonably good night, a few disruptive dreams. I woke up dizzy, a bit of pain, muddle-woozy headed.

It is a warm day, with a bit of mist in the valley, but the hills are visible.

I am just going to try and recover and then I will have a bath and a bike ride, it is a quiet day until this evening when I will go out and be more noisy.

I forgot to say, I did have a swim yesterday, my exercise chart says I did 1 hour and 45 minutes of exercise yesterday despite feeling really sick at lunchtime.
I may swim today.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

Well I started my new jigsaw puzzle that my friend gave me, she didn't believe I would do a jigsaw on the kitchen floor, but truth is, I had no other surface to do it on, so there I was, doing my jigsaw, when the lesser spotted landlady knocked on the door and told me when the council are inspecting us, which is fine because I will be out.

Anyway, the lesser spotted landlady saw me doing my jigsaw on the floor and offered me a coffee table from the spare furniture, but there was one too big, one too small, and what I ended up with in the end is a wooden box on wheels, which is sitting in the kitchen looking puzzled while my jigsaw is still on the floor.

I have also been watching 'Hitch' which is a bit too grown up for me. And I have had an evening bike ride, fine sunny evening,

My tummy is not happy with the change of lifestyle, thats tough, tummy, get used to it.

I now have a quiet time with no activities until tomorrow evening.

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Phew! What a busy day! I shouldn't really have done as much as I have and I was quite ill by lunchtime.

I am not in pain today but still not well really.
So the hour and five minutes of exercise recorded on my chart is a bit much. All cycling of course.

I headed out this morning, went to Mass, then dropped a letter off, then scooted to the next town, it is up and down hills all the way, a killer. I did my essential shopping and banking.
The problem with relying solely on DLA is that I can only shop and do essential things once a month, and so I end up short of money already.
Coal tar shampoo is £5 for the smallest bottle, but if I don't buy it, I scratch my scalp raw.

So, I did my 'Poundland' shopping, things like foam pads, toiletries, batteries etc, I looked round the chattery shops, but I didn't find any good books, and next week someone is taking me clothes shopping in the chattery shops, so, quite please with timing, I made my way back to my lunch club.

This is my usual friendly lunch club, but most of my friends were away, and the people I ended up sitting with were all elderly and deaf, it was hard work and it was too hot in there and I felt dizzy and unwell, we had a nice roast dinner though, but my quizmaster friend was away so the quiz was too hard. When the priest came and asked me how I was spending the rest of the day, I had to admit I only felt like going home to sleep.

Eventually I escaped and scooted along the cliffs, the sea was grey and calm under fog but it is such a hot day, I may have a gentle swim later.
I freewheeled home.

The lesser spotted landlady was chatting to one of the other residents, and they told me that the Andy-Man has already been to look at the electrics and smoke alarm but the council will be inspecting us and other things may need doing.
Argh, I do not like change. Apart from when it is money sort of change.

This is my first sugar-free day, and I think it came too close on the back of this hypo-enduced illness, my brain is worried, it says 'Is this another hypo?' 
But it isn't, because there is enough sugar in my food, my system just needs to get used to no sugar in tea or sweets. I will still have sugar first thing in the morning in my tea, and the rest of the time I now have sweetner, which I dreaded but it is ok, and sugar free sweets, my tummy is a bit doubtful, it says 'Is this aspartame? shall I be sick?'

Withdrawal symptoms, cold turkey, on the back of such a bad illness, I hope I don't relapse, my muscles are tight.

Thursday morning, sorry, posted on the wrong blog again

Good morning,

Well it is 5.45am, and although I didn't have too bad a night, I am still tense and I woke early unable to sleep, I got up because recently I have returned to the nighttime distress about the church that used to plague me on the streets and so I decided it was better to get up.

I am not in pain, but am still tense and feeling the after effects of the illness, by this evening I should be fine.

It is still dark, otherwise I would be biking along the front.
It is cool and smoky autumn dark :)


By 7-ish it was light so I went for a bike ride.
The fog was down thick over the sea, the hills were invisible, I get a bit narked when my hills wander off, so I biked up to the cliff but it remained invisible.
It was so quiet and peaceful, the fog down close over a grey calm sea and no hills visible.
I biked fast to try and build my muscles a bit.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I stayed awake and have done my best to carry on as normal.

Not doing a lot, eventually I went for a bike ride up and down the bay, and then I went shopping.
Shopping is a bit of a culture shock now. The shopping I got did not resemble what would have been in my basket only a short time ago. Welcome to a new world, welcome to a revolution.
I never learned to cook or learned about food values, I have always eaten a plain, simple and not very appetising diet, especially when I only have 7pence for a reduced loaf of bread or whatever, now things are different, although I am not sure how my very limited money will manage the new diet.

Nonetheless, it has worked out satisfactorily, my tummy feels happy. I am boiling eggs for egg snacks now, because I am allowed lots of eggs and have a stove to boil them on. Funny diet eh? :) I am still a bit nervous, such big change.

I am still not well but I am coping.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well a very hot and sick person is writing this.

I haven't quite got the hang of abandoning my community routines when I am sick, but I have little choice if I don't get better.

This morning I plodded on with schedule, I went to the drop in and spent two hours with my beloved pals. It was so hard not to sit there with my head in my hands, and I thought I would vomit but I didn't.
Then I headed for community lunch club in the next town, this is not my dear lunch club with my pals, this is the referral lunch club.
When I got there, they wanted me to go with them to get me some clothes afterwards but I felt so ill during lunch that I was forced to leave early, and they will take me clothes shopping next week, I also had to abandon my own necessary shopping, all I could do was bike back here along the bay. I have to have my hair cut at 3pm, but after that I will be returning to bed.

I cannot go out and about when I am this ill, I will have to wait until I am well, which is sad because there is so much to do tomorrow, including my own friendly lunch club and quiz.

It is a warm day, which doesn't help.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday evening was normal, a bike ride, watching Mulberry, a bath, very tired, sleep.

I had a very rough night, waking, nightmares, feeling ill. Still the after effects of the hypo.

I slept in and got up feeling ill at 9pm. I am still in the 'do I take painkillers and vomit them or do I not take painkillers and vomit from the pain?' mode.

Today is fairly busy, with drop in, lunch club, hair cut, etc.

It is another warm sunny day, and again I cannot swim in the sea because I am ill.

My neighbour has left me some magazines.

Fisher, get off my blog.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I went and helped with shoeboxes. It was fun, it always is.
I believe in shoeboxes, I have always helped with them or done a shoebox. And last year I was given a shoebox because I was in poverty, it was so absolutely wonderful! :)
So, if you are reading this, please support shoeboxes, it means a box of small christmas gifts sent to disadvantaged people in different places round the world or even in the UK.

After that and some tea and chatter, I came home, it is a warm day, which is not helping me, and I was hot and tired.
I decided to bike down the sea front, and one person was swimming, a few paddling and one surfing, which made me long for a swim, but I have been too ill, so no swim.

My oven has provided some lovely jacket potatos.

I think a cool bath and a quiet evening are the only options now.

Tuesday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I am not feeling too good. I will update because certain Jerseypeople keep logging nosily on to see what I am doing.

I guess a relapse started yesterday, I was dizzy and sick, and nearly fell off my bike a few times.
And to compound it, I didn't eat well or take a proper meal before I started fasting.

I had a bad night, with Bishop Scott-Joynt still trying to discuss things with me in my dreams, and woke this morning miserably longing for my cup of tea.

I got up and washed and dressed, I had deliberately tried to stay in bed until an hour before the blood tests, to try and make it seem shorter before I could get tea.
I forgot to put anything to eat in my backpack, not that there is anything much I could carry, but I put my meds and painkillers in the backpack and headed for the surgery.

The doctors often run late and I expected the nurse to run late but she was prompt, nice, and efficient, and a bit worried about how ill the fast had made me. This surgery has never blood tested me before. My history of illness on fasting goes back to youth group. We did two sponsored 24 hour fasts at Youth Group and I became severely ill on both, I cannot let my blood sugar drop too low or I go hypo and can collapse.
Today was the worst hypo I have had for two years.

So, as soon as the tests were done, I was in the cafe, drinking sugary tea with toast and a chocolate bar.
I am not back to normal, one of the things a hypo does to me is it seizes up my muscles, and so the muscles where I am injured seize up and I end up in agony.

I went from the cafe to the coffee morning, where my church made a riotous fuss of me and I was too dizzy and dozy to make much sense, although they all knew why.

I am now home, supposed to be sleeping before going to help with shoeboxes this afternoon, but I am not sure if I will be able to sleep or help with shoeboxes.

It is a warm sunny day.


I am cooking pork and potatos instead of sleeping.
It is funny what I am allowed or not allowed to eat now. Pork and jacket potato is a delicious meal and I am allowed as much of that as I like. I am allowed things like full english breakfast or roast dinner, and I can now cook such things, but there are other things I can no longer have or only have in moderation.
My worst thing is that I have to cut down on my tea with milk and sugar, my lifelong medicine.