This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for nine months last year and left me deeply damaged and ill.
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Saturday Night

Good evening,

After lunch I went boredly biking around. I ended up at the art centre, talking to the lady there, because she knows a lot about autism, special needs and awful benefit and medical systems.

So I chatted to the art lady, and I wondered, why do I gravitate towards these places? I am not arty, but those of you who remember, I used to love hanging out at the gallery and with my arty people, and I was broken hearted when the gallery closed down.
I have never got over it.

Anyway, I stayed there, watching the lady work on things and I asked her if I could do a new artwork project for my friends, as a present, so I will start that on Tuesday as I am bored with drawing.

Then I went to the shop and got enough food for supper.

Then I put the rubbish out and went to the beach for an evening swim.

It had been a hot day, but with a far tide, so with the tide in for the evening and a calm sea that other people were also enjoying for swimming, I dived in and had a vigerous swim, cold and calm sea but the mist still lurking.

I came home and started the housework and put 'The Naked Gun 3' on to watch, I am sitting here and I cannot believe it is 7.20pm and it is dark!

Saturday Morning

Good morning,

Well I slept a long night with vivid dreams and nightmares, I don't want to write them down.
I woke to the sound of foghorns as it is very foggy.
I am in relapse but it is mild at the moment so I am up and about but tired and depressed.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well I felt ill most of the day from waking up, tired, painful, as usual these symptoms eased in the afternoon.
I went to the library and did a bit of reading, biked around, watched mulberry, I am just halfway through season 2.

This evening I biked up to the sea wall. There was a couple visiting the area who excitedly told me there was a seal playing in the bay and playing with the paddle boarders.
I told them we get lone migratory seals stopping here for a rest, but we watched for the seal and didn't see it.
I continued biking around.
Later I saw the seal swimming merrily around, too far out for a photo.
I hate that the mist sits on the hills and over the sea without moving at the moment, and everything is muggy, which is not good for me.


This evening there seemed to be a lightning storm over the sea, but the mist was coming down thick, now I can only just see the lights on the industrial estate, blurry in the mist, the mist is more of a fog, it is in close and thick, it made the lightning look strange.

I am struggling with distress because of the work I have been doing on what happened in Jersey, but I have finished it, so that is good.

A lot of young people seem to be drunk and out and about this evening, too young.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

I was very tired last night, having done so much and survived a doctor's appointment, so I went to bed early and slept straight away, I slept through the night but it was shallow sleep with endless dreams.

I dreamed about Christmas with my family, I dreamed of the terrible place where we used to live, and that dream went on and on, and I dreamed of Southampton a lot as well.
My last dream was about tropical frogs and plants, bizarre and random.

I am awake, my lungs hurt from the new meds and my neck is seized up from the trauma of yesterday.

It is a grey day, the hills are hidden in cloud and it has obviously rained hard in the night.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

I can see that updates are being slavered for, so I will update.

I thoroughly enjoyed my thunderstorm this morning although thunder made the recordings a bit tricky.
I plugged on with work, washed my hair and when the thunderstorm had stopped, I headed out to lunch club, I biked up there and we had a good lunch, hot quiche and potatoes with salad, and strawberry cake for pudding. We also had the quiz, and although I answered questions, I did not stay for the results, as I had to get on with work and send it off, and then I had my medical.

The outcome of the medical, well, after so many years, I have a thorough doctor, who checked out my breathing, changed my asthma meds and regime completely and did some referrals and also ordered a battery of blood tests. It is possible that there is a diagnosis in the pipeline at last, a rediagnosis.

I was tired at the end, today has been traumatic, the work I have done has been traumatic and of course I am on the verge of flashbacks, but then seeing a doctor is always also traumatic for me, so now it is all done, I need to relax and find more helpful things to think about.

I am going to bike down to the sea in a minute and watch some waves being wet and foamy.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well it was late when I got to bed, I had been working hard.

The work I was doing was traumatic and so I was sure my sleep would be disrupted.

I slept lightly and dreamed a lot but not in any distress.

I had to get up for the loo at one point and only slept lightly after that.

I dreamed a funny dream in the end before waking, that myself and Denver Elle and Neil McMurray and others from Jersey were gathered and telling jokes.
One of Neil's jokes was hilarious but unrepeatable and genuinely I have no idea where it came from, and at One Point Ian LeMarquand was sitting there and we said to him 'Hows justice these days Ian, oh, you wouldn't know!' and we fell about laughing.


It is 7.20am and the sunrise started dull orange and now the sun is a bright yellow ball and is lighting the room as I type, while the hills are hidden in mist.

Time for an early bike ride I think.

Today I have lunch club, first one after summer, and I also have a medical this afternoon.


Well I put the washing on and went for a bike ride in the misty morning with the tide in. I came back and put the washing out and got on with work and all of a sudden it was raining and thunder was crashing. So cool, I just had to update you and tell you that! :) Thunderstorm!

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I have had a busy time, I am tired now.
This morning I was working on deep cleaning the flat while putting as much rubbish out for the dustmen as possible, then someone came to see me briefly, which was very helpful.

Then I used some vouchers to do some shopping.

Then I went for my swim.
The surf was heavy and breaking far out, so it was hard to get through it for a swim. I remembered from when I was sailing, never argue with the sea. But it was ok when I got through the surf, I used a bit of energy through.
The sea was steel grey under the low cloud and mist but the sun was shining through the cloud and mist so it was warm and the sea was an interesting colour.

I biked home, dressed and went back out, had to go to the post office and then bike up to the next town.
It is uphill to the next town and it was hard work, I have definitely completed my exercise quota today! But the journey back was downhill or flat, biking easily along the seafront and stopping to look at the sea as the tide was in and the surf still heavy, it is rocks and seaweed down there, unlike the sand we have here.

I just got home now and have cooked some food as I have not eaten much.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I was tired by 7pm, it is too easy for me to overdo my swimming and get tired, so I sat in bed watching films, and eventually drifted to sleep.
I had a troubled night, dreaming repetitive dreams about Jersey, especially moving back there, which I would never do, and all sorts of weird and disturbing dreams.
My sleep was patchy and I was up during the night needing the loo.

I woke at 8am and got up, it is another warm sunny day, but breezy, the hills are shrouded in mist, I have not been out yet as I am waiting in for someone. But I have had a bath and had a text message from someone who has found me a small counter top oven that I can have :) Those who don't know, I am annoyingly reliant on a microwave and I want to cook things like meat and eggs and I can't. Ready meals get boring and are not good for you. And my concentration levels are such now that I can use an oven as long as I put a 'check it's off' notice on it.
In Jersey I burned things because I could not focus, but now I may be able to cook properly, because I have got better despite the best efforts of the Diocese of Winchester to destroy me.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I went and had my swim, the days are so warm, I need a swim to cool down.
The sea was again calm enough for a good swim but with enough surf to make it challenging.

I came home, did some work. Went for a bike ride, sat on the road end wall watching the surf break at full tide, beautiful.

Came home again, did fish and rice for supper and am tired, so I am in bed watching films on my laptop.

Tuesday lunchtime, oops posted on the wrong blog

Good lunchtime.

Well I had a patchy night's sleep.
I was not really fully asleep in the early morning and nearly got up at 5am.

I finally got up at about 8am, rousing myself from waking dreams about lawnmowers and bees. Humph, those bees were not very kind to me.

I also dreamed I contacted Jersey's judicial giraffe, and woke wondering if I should do so.

I looked at the computer, drank tea, realised it was art day, searched in vain for my art materials and scooted down to art class.

I wanted to draw a church but we couldn't find any, so I drew half an elephant, a quarter of a unicorn and an Italian chapel.

Came home for homous and cucumber sandwiches for lunch.

Meanwhile at Wolvsely:
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Monday, 15 September 2014

Monday Night

Good evening,

The usual bike ride, walk, rubbish and washing out.
Working on transcripts, which have brought bad memories back, hence a bit of posting on the blogs.

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Monday Afternoon

Well this morning my visitors arrived, interviewed me and got me a few groceries.
They have offered to bring me a bag of groceries each week and try to get me some clothes.


So I had beans on toast for lunch as my energy was low, I wondered how I would even bike up the hill to the surgery but I did ok, I got my prescription, and the doctor had put two inhalers, he is generous like that, so I am ok for meds.

I biked down to the sea, biked up and down and decided to swim off the road end wall, the sea was calm compared to how choppy it has been and so I had a good swim. A few other people were swimming but just me in my part of the sea. It is my big swimming pool and I will be sad to return to leisure centre swimming in the autumn, the leisure centre pools are not so big.
It is cloudy but warm, the sea was warm and calm, lovely.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I went to bed, slept straight away and dreamlessly slept through the night, well I may have dreamed but I remember nothing.
I woke this morning, remaining in remission, wide awake at 8am, and out of bed.

I am down to reserve UHT milk though, so tea hasn't been great, and I have had cold sausage rolls for breakfast, from yesterday's harvest lunch.

I expected onslaught from the diocese, but as yet they have not answered me, so I have tentatively continued the story of the walk in the dark.

I am waiting in for visitors, and I have to collect my blue inhaler prescription today, I cannot safely live life without one of those. Crippling isn't it? For 27 years I lived without one, and the police beatings, imprisonment and homelessness means I will never live without an inhaler again.

Anyway. The flat is tidy, there isn't a lot of food, but enough for another meal or two.

I was a bit worried by a headline 'Doners to the Manchester Dogs Home clog up the M6'.

I am trying to continue my 'Walk in the Dark' but am struggling, I am listening to Jersey songs during breaks but I end up with more break than story. Here we are back at Satandrews:

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Sunday Evening

Good evening,
Well I had my swim, it was mainly wave jumping and looking at huge waves crashing towards me and wondering what on earth I was doing! Very St. Ouens Bay!
I came home, did a supper and some work and put the swim things out, and went for my evening bike ride, stopped to chat to a friend, came home, and here I am :)
Just about to go on with the Walk In the Dark, with a bit of emotional support as we approach the worst of it.

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Sunday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I headed for the big church this morning, after deliberation.
When I got there I found it was being invaded by Christening Crowds, argh.

But the priest put me a chair in my own bit of space, so I enjoyed the service, and it was peaceful, it was also harvest service so I sat and chatted to my friends and enjoyed a massive harvest lunch after the service.
Knowing I have not much food, the church did me a massive doggy bag too, so food is in da house.
I had been so long in church that I worried that my bike had gone walkies while I was away, but it was there, chewing boredly on it's tether and snorting at passers-by.

Here I am, probably about to have my swim and then watch movies.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

I went to bed early and fell asleep at once but only slept shallowly, I dreamed a lot, mainly I dreamed I was homeless again, homeless here, and people were arguing about helping or not helping me.

I woke wide awake some time between 7 and 8am and scrambled into life, kettle on and window wide open to let the mist and sunshine in.

I considered having my swim now but the tide is far out and the waves are foamy and strong, so I biked along the front, wishing I could just bike slowly and peacefully in the beautiful morning forever.
A few dog walkers and other people were out.

I just came home, I can hear the sea roaring and the sun is shining in the window, I will have a bath and go to church.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Saturday evening

Good evening,

well I consider swimming, in fact I considered it for hours, but being tired and because the sea was choppy, I didn't swim.
I am out of money and nearly out of food, so what I am eating is hardly palatable or good for me.
I have had two short bike rides but I never got my energy today and am short of breath, so I am having an early night again.
The day seems to end at 8.30 these days but I am waking well in the mornings and not sick.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,

I went to bed very early, so unnaturally tired, I was asleep at once but only slept lightly and woke sometimes.
I dreamed a lot.
Dreamed of Hampshire, dreamed of Sussex, dreamed of a baby in a pushchair, christmas shopping, a bus station, and some ladies trying to find the bus to Thorpe Gallery, wherever that is.

But the saddest dream was, I dreamed about my Dad. I dreamed he was alive and he and I were playing chess, like we used to.
He was trying to tell me something, he said he knew my path while he didn't know the paths of the other children. I didn't know what he meant, but I knew he was dead, even as we sat there playing chess, and I told him my grief was overwhelming.

I woke this morning, wide awake, 8am, which shows that while I am tired, I am still in remission.
The street is quiet at the weekend and the sun was shining quiet and peaceful, but I felt lazy, so I lazed about a bit and made tea and toast and checked the internet, there is loads of religion and Godstuff on twitter this morning :)

I nearly forgot, during the night I also dreamed about the Scottish Independence Vote, which in waking life does not affect me nor do I really understand it, but in my dream I was screaming with utter conviction about the Independence Vote, to a massive circus camp.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Friday Night

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I am so tired. I overdid my swim and can't do anything but sleep now. I hope such an early night wont disrupt my sleep, I am fighting off a relapse.

Friday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I overdid the swim this lunchtime, I stayed in the choppy water, wave jumping and swimming and sitting on the breakwater with waves washing over me.
It is a glorious sunny day, but I am now over-tired from the swim and it put my neck out slightly, my shoulder twinges but is ok.
I am having a quiet day, the washing is out, the flat is boringly tidy, I am drifty and tired.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Yesterday I was tired but sure it wasn't a relapse. The sea was grey and choppy under a grey sky with a cold breeze, so I didn't swim, I waded.
I am sure it is good for my legs.

In the evening I did the usual evening walk, but forgot to put the washing on, so my swim things are still wet, I will swim this afternoon as it is a glorious sunny day.

I slept, my dreams were sad and vivid, I slept soundly, having had an early night as I was tired.
I woke bright and early and fell out of  bed and into life, but I am still in my sleep suit, I must wash and put the washing out and face the world.

I had my usual breakfast but I am running short of stuff now due to no benefits and money running out.

I see the Jersey News, I wonder if Reverend Phil Warren will stop saying 'Fire on Jersey' yet, showing off by using God's Name in vain is never productive.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Thursday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went to collect my norty wayward bike, then I went in town to sort some things out.
I had to get a repeat prescription for inhaler because I am all out of reliever inhaler and so short of breath a lot. I talked to the receptionists about asthma checkup but everything is so fully booked I will have to wait till next week and also have to wait until Monday for a new inhaler! :(

The tide was so far in, the waves were smashing over the wall and scaring the grockles! It should be going out now.
It is a grey cloudy day but still warm so I think I will swim now.

I am progressing gently with my work. Tough times, 2010. Without my lantern-carrier, I would never have been able to do it.

Gah, Bills, can anyone lend me £20 while I wait for my benefits?

Thursday lunchtime

Good lunchtime, 

Well I was tired last night after a brisk swim, I didn't do an evening walk.

I went to bed early and slept.

During the night I could feel pain in my shoulder.

I woke thinking 'oh no! Ten years later, I have put the shoulder back out!'
But as the day goes on, I think I have just strained a muscle.
It is 10 years since that shouder was repaired. It hurts today but I think it will be ok.

I am tired but as far as I know am not back in relapse.

I woke early this morning, wondering if the noise I heard was the delivery van with my parcel, but as it turns out, it was early morning and a gold and orange sunrise was occuring.

Last night the moon rose as an orange ball, exactly where the sun had risen as an orange ball in the morning, how strange.

I had to wait until midday for my parcel, so I have not been out yet, I missed cafe church, a new venture at one of my churches.

When the parcel arrived, I signed for it and did chicken and bread and yoghurt for lunch.
I must now go and face my duties around town.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well the evenings have been clear, warm and moonlit so most evenings I walk when it is dark, and photograph the moon over the sea, as I did last night.
It was full moon last night.

This morning I woke at 4am after sleeping through the night, so I got on with work. The flat had had it's clean last night and so not much else to do, I had a shower wash in the bath and a walk.
The stars were so bright before dawn, and as the sun rose it was a great orange ball over the sea, awesome.

Once I had done everything, I walked down to the drop in to be reunited with my friends, me and my friend returned to discussing music and ships like in the old days a few months ago, and I helped with some chores at the drop in.
I had lots of tea and food and eventually wandered home.

I found I had missed an important parcel and will get it tomorrow instead, I went to the computer shop but it was too busy and hot in there, and the tide was too far in for my swim, so I will swim soon.

It is very hot today.

The bike is still with Al.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014


Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog at the moment.

I fell out of bed tired this morning, could not find my art stuff and endured art, doing still lifey stuff.

Then I was going to swim but the tide was hitting the wall, so I went and did odds and ends in town, and kept meeting people I knew.
I met the guy who runs the Wednesday drop-in and he said I should come along as I haven't been for ages, and I said I will go tomorrow.

Then I biked up the bay for my swim.
The surf was strong and the sea was choppy, so as well as a lot of wave jumping and swallowing water, I got well exercized and invigourated.
I came home but my bike has returned to gear and chain problems so I left it with Al, again!

Had a bath, hung the washing.
And now my tasks are some work and some sorting and tidying paperwork and room.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Monday Lunchtime

 Good lunchtime,

I am absentminded, I haven't eaten today. Tut tut. Still a bit out of routine at the moment.

I had a lovely time with all my friends, I have missed them over the summer.

I got back yesterday.

My friend insisted on taking my photo collage from my flat and taking it to show to everyone! :)

I spent most of the weekend in a neck brace but woke on Sunday morning free from pain.

The flat looks like a bomb has hit it, well actually it looks messy, but that is what people say.

I am fully recovered from being away and the usual strains and stresses of travel that often leave me exhausted and stressed. I just need to tidy my flat! :)

Yesterday I socialized a lot with random people and church people and had fun, I also had a swim in the warm calm sea and made arrangements to continue my art classes without any money and return to learning to knit with the church lady.

Today I woke to my messy flat, continued some work and went and had my swim, the sea is a bit choppy today, more of a wave jump than a swim.

There was a dog stuck in a gate this morning, I was at first not sure if I was seeing it correctly but I was.
A little fluffy terrier stuck in a garden gate that it had been trying to escape through, the house had a neat flowery garden and i expected it to belong an old lady, but a gruff tough man came to the door when I knocked, he freed his dog and set about putting wire over the gate to keep the dog from doing the same again.

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Saturday 6.45am

Good morning,

please excuse the lack of blog, Thursday was wiped out because Jane Fisher, the diocesan Safeguarding officer who destroyed me, added me on twitter as a friend, ie, she followed me, which is kind of what she does. Incidentally, the 'stalkerstat' logs on my feed went sky high after that and yesterday.
Anyone else ever dealt with an obsessive safeguarding officer who would destroy you because she couldn't own your life?

 But anyway, I appealed to my twitter friends as I was shocked and frightened and they were very supportive, although I remained shocked until that evening when people told me she had deleted her twitter account.
It helped that I went shopping as my jeans had gone the way of the boots and were no longer wearable, so I got food, flowers and jeans at the big supermarket, especially as I had a friend coming for the day yesterday and my life and flat were in chaos.

When I had done my shoppig on Thursday evening, I came home and someone helped me on skype by talking to me until I could focus and sort myself and my flat out for the next day.
When the flat was sorted, I went to bed but slept a shallow distressed sleep.

In the morning I woke early enough and finished my sortings out for my friend coming and me going away.

I set off nice and early to go and collect her, because it is a quite a trek, got there in good time, panicked because I got the arrivals and departures board mixed up and could not see the right time. Realised, and was there to greet her with a norty notice, which she wants to keep for life :)

I wasn't well but I took my neck collar off to greet her in case she got a fright.
Neck collar is now back full time, and I thawed a bag of peas by using them as an ice pack last night.

We had a lovely day, although the bus journeys took some of it.
She approved heartily of my flat and where I lived, and we walked by the sea and went to my favourite cafe for lunch, then back to my flat to pack my bag and then we came back together.

We had a bit of a time trying to get the connections. But we got aboard last minute

and got here.
We were late for Mass but we got there and her husband was waiting with the car and after Mass we came home and had egg and rice and we talked.

Then a very sleepy bed time, I was tired but had another patchy night, waking in pain in the early hours.

I woke this morning seeing it was light and hearing someone was up, so I was worried that I would be late and delay us, but I got up and it was only just after six and the light was a grey dawn.

I am washed, packed, had a cuppa, am back in my neck collar, my bed folded away, I am ready to go and we have an hour before we go.
I just need to pop a letter in the post to reply to one I hurriedly opened and read yesterday.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Wednesday Evening 2

Good evening,

I went for my second swim, the water was choppy, so it was more wave jumping than swimming.
Other people were also making the most of the warmth and the surf.
I got tired and staggered home.

At home I put the beach things and other clothes to wash and I tidied up and then sat and worked.
Time passes very slowly as I go back into the darkness of Jersey and walk through it, when I stop writing it feels like days have passed and really only an hour or so at a time has passed.

I put the washing out to dry and took the rubbish out, walked to the shop and then to the sea.
A half moon was lighting the steady foaming surf and it is a mild starry night, lovely for a walk.
I came home and have ben doing odds and ends but am tired for bed now.

Beach fireworks, it was really hard to select a few pictures that would show up on the blog

A walk in the dark 2

A walk in the Dark 2:

As I face the darkness again
I wonder if I will survive the pain

Please bring the lantern and show the way
through the night to the hope of day

I need to know you are there with the light
to guide me through the haunted night

There may be daylight at the end
but just now I need a friend

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I had a few disasters this afternoon.
I was going to go out, my landlady was gardening and she reminded me that it may be difficult for my friend to get to see me because of festival traffic. Argh. She is fine about the rent now running a few days late each time, so at least the rent is covered, I just need increased income.

I went out, realised when I got there I had forgotten an address, then the bike got a flat tyre, and as I was walking it to Al, I got glass in my goot because my boots were worn through on the soles.
I have needed new boots for ages.
So I had to stop and get glass out of my foot, I took the bike to Al and will collect it tomorrow.
There is an outdoors shop near Al and I had never been in there, thankfully they sell boots and I got a pair for £32.50 which is good but depletes my low money. I guess boots and clothes are essentials and I may well have to rely on foodbank, the jeans from the chattery shop dont fit so I need to buy some more.

Anyway, I came home, disinfected my foot, put clean socks and new boots on, found the address I needed, went back out, came home via an ice cream, and a walk along the front, the sea is too tempting so I will swim again.
I got waylaid by church ladies and ended up sitting with them for ages, I didn't really want to but it is called being sociable, and they wanted to be sociable.

Now home, a quick meal and then I will swim again, the heat and the emerald sea make it too tempting even at this time of evening.

Wednesday Morning 2

Good morning again,

I went to the bay but the tide was a bit far out so I am waiting.
I have been working on documents and to do with benefits as well. There may be a way forward without ESA. I am not fit for Jobseekers and even ESA said I wasn't fit for work, but I am not fit for their cruel new regime either. So, still not on ESA but hoping very much to be able to claim benefits again soon.

I went to the Art centre, the lady there had also been off sick when I was off sick so she hadn't noticed, I asked to change my art day to Tuesday and she agreed, it means missing coffee morning though, which is sad.
I made sure we had each other's contact details this time.

I am home and nothing exciting came in the post, just another nonsdescript DWP letter.

It is so hot, I want the tide to come in so I can go in the cool water and swim.

I got some leaflets of local attractions for when my friend comes for the day on Friday, so she can choose what we do.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

I had a nice bike ride yesterday evening as it was sunny and pleasant.
I came home and just got on with work.

I slept most of the night with a lot of vivid dreams, my sleep wasn't deep, I dreamed of Jersey again.

It is another misty morning with the sun coming through.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I was about to go out this morning, when a letter was on the mat, so I wrote a reply and headed for post office.
As I cycled back, the sea was grey and moody under low cloud, choppy, with cloud and mist over the hills, so I didn't want to swim, but as the day wore on, the sun came out, and the sea was emerald and inviting.
I biked up the bay and swam alone. The hills one side were clear light green under a pale sky, while the Great Hill was shrouded in mist. The sea was choppy with surf breaking far out and strong, so the swim was challenging.
I dried a bit in the still warm sunshine and came home. The swim clothes are in the wash.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

I was exhausted and feeling ill last night so I went to bed early. I had to get up to be sick and take meds though.
I have a feeling, lesson learned, that a particular brand of cottage pie, made from genuine Devon cottages, does not agree with my system.
I tend to get the cheap readymeals as I do not have an oven at the moment and so little money and food vouchers, so I get the cheap readymeals from this supermarket and the cottage pie obviously wont digest.

Anyway, I slept, and dreamed and dreamed, I dreamed vividly and clearly of Jersey, of the awful church and the people who protected the abuser.

I woke in the early hours and drank some fruit squash and tried to settle to sleep.

I slept and dreamed again, dreamed that certain church of england people were getting me to house sit, and they said I could house sit and look after the cats but I had to stay in the garage, then they got upset with me when the cat did a mess in the house.
Pretty typical church of england.

I woke, still with a slight headache, and got up. This headache is not the normal one triggered by my neck, I do not know what it is.

It is a grey drizzly day outside.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Monday evening 2

I realised that evening bike ride time is getting earlier as the darkness grows longer, so I went out for my bike ride.
I was scooting off the road end wall to continue my bike ride, when someone shouted me over, they knew me, knew my name but I was not sure who they were, church or Tuesday social or something, so I stopped to talk and they introduced me to their Mum. Good thing I am not superstitious, last time I was introduced to someone's mum on that same spot, she had died within a week.

Anyway, I scooted about, watched the hat of rainclouds on the Great Hill. Came home, and I am so tired, I will go to bed early.

I never knew the neighbour's dog was called Bob, he's a boxer too :)

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been in pain today, I am now in a neck collar for a few hours in the hope that it helps.

I went down to the sea earlier, I was very tense and in pain, it would have been good for a swim but I decided it wasn't a good idea as my energy is low and I am in pain, so I sat for a long time on the wall and watched the sea.

Then I went and got some ink and some food.

I have been reading a book, doing some writing, and not doing much.

I think a bath might help in a while, but I feel a bit lazy about going for a bath or anything.

I really don't know what is up with the crazy church of england, they are flapping and squawking a bit.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

I slept a long deep sleep last night and woke this morning relaxed but groggy and in some pain.

I got up and went through the routine.

The pain didn't ease and I didn't take painkillers first thing.
I wanted to get to the post office to get something in the post.

I scooted down to the post office on my bike, I felt too tired to bike at first but I got better as I went along.

I posted what I had to post and proceeded to nose around the chattery shops, I was looking for jeans or trousers, and I found a pair, I hope they fit, because my mobility problems and nervousness of changing rooms means I didn't try them on in the shop.

I came home and there was nothing in the post for me. Good, less to deal with.

I have now taken painkillers and also used some throat spray and eye drops, so feeling a bit better now :)
My energy is moderate to low today, not fatigue like last week but not high enough for a vigerous swim.

The blog has received a very high number of hits, seemingly church related, so I wonder what that damn blasted church of england is about to do to injure me now they are back from their luxury holidays?

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Sunday evening

Good evening,

No sign of the police returning.

Earlier I washed the windows and windowsills, and put the clean dry net curtains back up, it was surpisingly easy, I had thought I would run out of energy but I was fine.

I had another bike ride, posted a letter and rode along the seafront.

I have been plodding on with work and my bed is frashly made with clean linen and I am in clean pyjamas and ready for bed soon.

Sunday Afternoon - Police

Well I went for my swim, it was a good swim and I swam strongly and then drifted in the water and did my exercises.
I have been stung, I do not know if it was a jellyfish or one of those many swarming insects that are around at the moment.
I got home and there was a police van parked outside, so I decided not to get home, instead I went away and went into flashbacks and distress.
The police have gone, I have yet to find out if it was me personally that they wanted to beat the shit out of for whoever is powerful enough to tell them what to do.
I did consider packing a bag and going, but if they do come and beat me, I will be made homeless and return to the streets anyway.

Calling all mentors, can you arrange to sort out information in case the police do want to silence me for the powerful and influential? No illusion that the police are to do with law keeping, because they don't keep the law very well.

I have lived in fear of the police for years now.

Sunday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

I had a wash and hairwash this morning, scrubbed up and set off on my bike, I biked up the hill and coasted down the other side and arrived at my little church where I haven't been much for months.

I was given a hearty welcome and everyone was lovely and asked how life was going and things.
I sat with my friends, and the service was excellent. We had a visiting Priest and he was really good. The sermon was what a sermon should be, a reminder of Jesus' teachings, a reminder that I needed.

Afterwards we were all sitting round a table with coffee and biscuits, chatting and laughing, one person after another referred to our table as 'the naughty table' without knowing my nickname! :)

Some people came out of church to look at  my bike because they had never seen it before, and they seemed pleased with it, it being a raleigh and having been cheap and a good easy to ride bike.

Then off I went, I had my camera with me and I came back via the cliffs and did a good photo shoot.

The sea is calm and we have a warm day. So, having got the clothes in off the line, and having had a snack, I will hang the linens and net curtains out to dry and will head for the beach and pretend to be a whale for a while. I will get lunch later.

I just got a message that someone is coming to spend the day with me before I go back with her for the weekend, this is back to the old routine after the long summer, oh I am so looking forward to seeing everyone again! I love them! :)

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

Well I haven't had enough sleep. It was about 1am at least before I managed to sleep, I wasn't too comfortable settling down.
Then I woke at 6am with drunk people shouting their way home outside.

I was wide awake and in a little bit of pain, so I got up, tired, I know I will have to sleep later.

I got enough washing in off the line to get dressed. I have a problem due to never having much money, I have three pairs of trousers, one with no zip or buttons, one too short, and the other, my main pair, which are going at the seams and will be indecent soon, I cannot afford trousers and can never find any locally that fit or that I can afford. I have no shorts left, they all wore out, all secondhand, and I have no skirts, I will be reduced to wearing a barrel soon.

Anyway, I dressed, got on my bike and had a bike ride along the bay, there were dog walkers out and the sun was rising through the clouds.

Now home, the linens and net curtain and things are in the washing machine, waiting to go on at a time when it wont disturb anyone, and I am plodding on with some work.

I have to say that the illness thankfully seems to have gone into remission somewhat. It is a relief. It never completely goes, but it eases off, and last week was a shocker.

I am just going through my last months in Dorset and towards my first months in Jersey, and this song is one of my themes from that time

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Saturday Evening

Good evening,

I have had a better day.
I only woke once last night and was able to sleep again.
I woke relaxed this morning although vivid dreams had made me sad.

I had a lazy morning, watched a few movies, and then after lunch I biked downt to the bay for a swim.
The surf was strong and heavy and it was hard to get through it to swim, the waves were the size of houses, think St. Ouens Bay on a good surfing day, it was an interesting swim, not dangerous because the sea wasn't choppy, choppy or stormy is dangerous, but big waves are ok as long as you watch and jump, getting through the strong surf was the challenge.

I came home suitably tired and had a bath and hairwash, watched movies, put the washing on and then started tidying and cleaning the flat, it is all done now apart from the mopping and hoovering, and there is a paperwork tidyup task to do, which may wait until tomorrow.

Now I have to put the washing out, take the rubbish out, have my evening bike ride, and then I have much else to do, especially paperwork.
I got a few letters and parcels in the post today so I have things to do.

I think tomorrow I will put the bed linens in the wash and start tidying paperwork.
Sunday is the day this blog gets the most hits, it is like everyone is going 'will she go to church? what will happen?' but I feel very casual about church, if I am unwell or likely to be distressed, I will not go, if I feel I would enjoy church and it would benefit me, I will go, if God is there, he is everywhere and he and I can have a chat whenever He phones or I phone Him, a bit the way it is with my adoptives.
ooh, that'll get some hits on the blog, three and a half years adoptive, and despite the best efforts of the diocese, it has been successful.

Ho-hum, back to the chores.

Friday, 29 August 2014

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a busy day. I was very ill in the night and this morning, I was going to go into town despite being really ill, but I nearly collapsed at the bus stop.
I came home, went through painkillers and other things, anything that would help, and when I was a bit better, I went to Al and collected my bike from him. He said it had just been a cable needed tightening. So that was ok. I could barely cycle home.

I went into town and dealt with some but not all essentials, and came home with some shopping.

I was supposed to get blood pressure check and meds, but they were busy, so I only got my meds. I biked down the cliff but did not have a memory card in my camera for pictures.
I had a little time on the seafront, enjoying the massive surf, a lot of people were enjoying the massive surf.

I came home, put the shopping away, had a bath and washed my hair.

I was not sure if I was being picked up for a party so I lay on the bed and pootled around on the computer.
Suddenly there was a vehicle outside and a tap on the door, and a cheerful party hat, and off we went.

I am not well enough for parties, but, I am also not going to get well sitting at home ill, waiting for the diocese to kill me, I may as well party as I wait to be murdered by the church of england.

The party started at 6.30 and finished at 9pm, but I was finished by 8pm. It was a lovely party but my energy is always on overdraft now and I was close to collapse.
Sadly someone else did collapse.
He was sitting with me because I took my food outside as I needed air and space, he came and sat with me and we chatted, he was nice, he told me his name and that he was epileptic, when he went away he fell down and had a fit, he didn't come round so an ambulance had to be called.
I do not recall my epilepsy training, because it was pre-Jersey, and masses of data is missing from my brain pre-Jersey, but I did recall the first rule of emergency, get help, so when the guy collapsed, he was attended to quickly.

Anyway, so, big party, masses of food, good band, lots of fun, and my friend was there so we had a fist fight by the desserts :)

But I was exhausted and feeling very sick and tired by 8pm and had to wait for the others until 9pm.

Ah, what a lovely party!

Friday Morning

Good morning,

I was very sick through the night again.

More and more the only way out is to return to the only peace and comfort I ever knew, the streets.

I know out there, after a week or so of settling down, I would sleep peaceful and wake without pain or sickness, wouldn't it be awesome?
This flat and the life I built here as the Church of England have continued to harm me, has been a pipe dream and has left me vulnerable to them and their attacks, slanders of me in my community, police beatings etc etc, and I do not feel safe here, the fact I have lost my ESA contributes to the reality that I cannot stay, well I cannot afford the rent and food, and even without rent to pay, I wont be able to afford food.

Out on the streets I eat from bins and am free from the murderous church of England.

Going Home:

I woke at night and you were there,
standing quietly,
'come back' you said
I felt the pain and fever and sadness go

I got up and looked round at the flat
this illusion of home
and I picked up my backpack,
my tears soaked your shirt and then you went

I followed you back to my home
the only joy I have ever known
the heat and sickness were gone
and I slept under the stars again

love is a word I scarce know
but love for you and the life we knew
are real
so it is time to come home

to the starlit sky and the cold and dark
the firelight in the dark
washing in cold water and eating from bins
and sleeping like a child in your arms